03. Darkness

Junho stared at the poster of his 2PM members while lying down on his bed.

Everyone looked so cool and happy...except him.

He gave a sigh. It seemed that no matter how hard he tried, he was always "the guy in 2PM who looks like Rain". He wanted to be known as Junho. Not be noticed as a look-alike celebrity.

He wanted to be more popular. But everything he did...everything he tried seemed to fail.

"Why can't I be like Nichkhun?" he whispered in the darkness, the sense of extended longing tugged at his heartstrings.

He gave a little sniffle when he looked across to an empty bed.

Jay...

He silently wished for Jay to come back. For him to just return as their leader and for him to be apart of 2PM again. But he knew that that would probably never happen...

When Jay had been here, he had listened and understood Junho's problem. Whenever he was on the verge of falling off the cliff into eternal insanity and depression, Jay pulled him back, always.

But Jay was no longer here...

Who would stop him now?

There was a soft and uncertain knock on the door.

"Come in." Junho pulled his covers up to his chin.

Junsu slowly poked his head inside, a grim expression on his face.

"Junho, please eat something..." Junsu said firmly, opening the door a little further. The light from the living room flooded into Junho's dark room.

Junho didn't answer. He wasn't in the mood for food.

Junsu took a step inside and closed the door behind him. Reaching for the light switch, he asked, "Why are you just lying there in the dark?"

"Don't turn it on," Junho said. Junsu's hand fell to his side. " I like the darkness."

Junsu, half blind due to the lack of light, stumbled his way over to Junho's bed. Gently, he sat down, avoiding sitting on any of Junho's limbs.

"Everyone's worried about you," Junsu started again.

"Why does it matter?" Junho gave a resolute sigh. "Sometimes...I wish I wasn't apart of 2PM."

Junsu frowned. "Don't say that..."

"I want to be with Jay..." Junho suddenly blurted out. "It's...so unfair."

Junsu struggled a bit before finding Junho's leg. He wrapped his warm fingers around it as a sign of sincerity.

"I know...I miss him too..." Junsu looked down at the barely visible Junho. He patted his leg. "But we can't get depressed about that..."

"You know...us idols have high suicide rates. Highest in the world..." Junho mumbled.

Junsu, a bit startled by what Junho had just said, reached over Junho's arm that was popping out from underneath the covers.

"Junho..." Junsu whispered.

By now, Junho was crying with streaks of tears flowing down the sides of his cheeks.  

But Junsu didn't know. And that was the beauty of it all. The darkness.

"It's not really there if you can't see it," Junho said out loud, his voice shaking.

Because even though Jay was gone, if Junho stayed in the darkness, he would be gone too. And maybe then...maybe then Junho and Jay would've ended up in the same place of forgottenness and abandonment.

Junsu tightened his grip around his younger friend's arm. "That's a lie."

He paused for a second, trying to think.

"You can't see love..." Junsu said softly. "You can' touch love...you can't hear love...but it's there. Always."

Junho sat up from his place on his bed. Though he couldn't see Junsu in the darkness, he felt his presence there, watching.

With his hands, Junsu manuevered around until he felt Junho's wet cheeks. "I love you, Junho. Don't forget that."

And Junho burst into tears. They flowed out from his eyes as though he had just opened a floodgate.

Junsu pulled him close to his chest and let him cry into the front of his shirt.

And for awhile, they sat there. Junho hiccupping in between whimpers of unspoken hurt and pain.

But in what seemed like forever, Junho finally felt...okay.

He wasn't going to fall off that cliff.

He wasn't.

And that was the beauty of it all.