Amaka-[ That Black Girl ]

Author: blue_eyed_diamond

⇒TITLE- [3.5/5]

The title is unique in a sense. But then, you’ve used your main character’s name, so it was bound to be. You’ve also added That Black Girl in parentheses, which I believe is sensible because this could have been viewed as a racist remark if you had put that as the sole and main title. Then again, people can still view it as racist. But, if you’ve got no complaints about it so far, I think you can let it be.
It’s not original though, because you’ve used the name of your main.

⇒FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION- [8.5/15]

First of all, please click on Edit on your story’s front page and check the Disallow Text Selection box under the tab of More Privacy Options. This is here to prevent people from blatantly copying your story and leaving your story unprotected in this way is a big mistake. It can help in protecting your story against plagiarism. It did facilitate it for me to copy paste sentences I wanted to remark about, though.

I’ll give you a VERY detailed review of this part, because quite honestly, if people find the foreword/description unattractive or not to their liking at all, they are not going to give your story a chance at all.

Description:

1. The first sentence itself lacks commas.

‘Have you ever been with a guy with a dark side covering his cool guy facade who ties you to the bed with your wrist and ankle and eats you over and over again?’
Correction: ‘Have you ever been with a guy, with a dark side covering his cool façade, who ties you to the bed with your wrist and ankle and eats you over and over again?’

2. The image is wrongly placed. It should have either been before your words start or after. It hampers the reader.

3. There are more comma and other minor problems.

‘A guy who would keep you on an edge for hours without giving you the satisfaction you need when you offend him?

A guy who will provide all your needs yet will have you until you forget the right spellings of your name?  And what happens when you're forced to sign a  contract of 2 weeks with him? What will happen to you?’

Correction: ‘A guy who would keep you on edge for hours, without giving you the satisfaction you need, when you offend him?

A guy who will provide all your needs, yet will have you until you forget the right spellings of your name?  And what happens when you're forced to sign a  contract of 2 weeks with him? What will happen to you?’

4. From what I can remark on what you have written next, and on what you’ve previously written, you really need to work on your punctuation.
→ You’ve capitalized a letter in the middle of a sentence, which is wrong, unless it’s a name (whether of a person or a place).
→ This “.......” does not exist. However, this “…” does. It’s called an ellipsis and is useful when you're quoting material and you want to omit some words.
→ You’ve missed full stops at the end of sentences and it can be very confusing.
‘park chanyeol’ is wrong. The first letters should be capitalized and the correction is: ‘Park Chanyeol’.

5. While wanting to introduce your characters is absolutely okay, you might want to reduce the number of pictures you add, or at least, reduce the size of them. The pictures are so huge that you keep on scrolling. As a prospective reader, that would discourage me and I might either just close the tab, or skip to the first chapter, without reading the description/foreword at all.
There were some minor mistakes in the lines you wrote for each character as well, such as you didn’t conjugate the verbs, e.g. works or didn’t add the apostrophe, used to create possessive forms, e.g. Chanyeol’s. You should not forget the full stops either, despite this not being a proper paragraph.

6. ‘… Masochism." A catch-all term…’
I don’t quite understand what half of the quotation mark is doing there, to be honest.

7. ‘… believe me i have…’
Correction: ‘…believe me, I have…’
‘I’ is always capitalized, always. Otherwise, it’s an error.

8. Let’s check what you’ve written next.

→ ‘…DO, ▶he held her hair harshly in a ponytail ◀ I…’
This is really not advisable. I understand that you want to give your readers more material so that they can imagine the exact scene and setup, but, this can prove to be really annoying for the reader, who’ll find such notes interrupting him/her each time.
→ ‘…QUESTION.:  ARE…’
When using the colon, a full stop is not added before it. A full stop should be added at the end, regardless of whether it’s in between quotation marks.
→ ‘…ride me, Clench my and All. Over. It. You hear me?.’
Let’s see what is wrong with this. First of all, the first letter of a word should not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence, unless it’s that of a name or place, even if you want to lay emphasis on that word. If you capitalized the first letter to lay emphasis on it, why not try the italic font, or make it bold, or even underline it? ‘…Clench…’ and ‘…All…’ should be ‘…clench…’ and ‘…all…’
Secondly, the question mark is a punctuation mark and it is considered bad form to use a question mark in combination with other marks, although that is often done in informal prose in an attempt to convey complex tones. A full stop is not added after a question mark; the question mark will also suffice to end the sentence.
→ ‘…IN 30 MINUTES.. AND MIND  YOU,  DON'T LET ME  GET THERE  BEFORE YOU...’
As I’ve remarked earlier, this “..” does not exist, whereas “…” does exist. While I have no problem that you have used the ellipsis correctly after before you, it doesn’t quite fit over there. From what I can understand, Chanyeol appears to be in a rage and the correct punctuation would be an exclamation mark [!]. It would depict the demand and order in Chanyeol’s words.

9. To end my notes on the description, avoid changing font size so often or maybe, don’t make it so big. Another attractive trait in the foreword/description of story is the neat and consistent appearance. I understand you want to give out warnings, but you could have enlarged the font only slightly, and not so much.
You should move the warnings to the foreword section. Let’s face it. If people are at the description and are already reading so many warnings, won’t that discourage them or bore them?
Moreover, your description is just too long. A person would start getting bored and would just close the tab if they have to read so much before getting to the Foreword and to the Next button.
Try to shorten it a bit, or if you can’t, keep it in mind for your next story.

Foreword:

1. First of all, this way of showing conversation between two individuals is not attractive at all and it quite confusing as well.

2. Lack of proper punctuation, e.g. full stops, quotation marks, commas, capitalized letters, exclamation marks, can add to the confusion. Again, this “.......” does not exist. However, this “…” does.

→‘…touch me? She yelled back’
This really doesn’t make sense. If you are already using their names and colons to show who is currently speaking, there’s no need to add ‘She yelled back’ at the end and this is confusing as well.
→ ‘…chanyeol: (whispers) baek…’
It’s the same problem as mentioned above.
→ ‘{ he began moving towards her}’
I understand your need to let your readers know what’s currently happening, but this is definitely n