⇒TITLE- [5/5]

The title you’ve chosen is straight to the point and doesn’t beat around the bush. It fits your plot aptly and lets us know exactly what your story is about.
I would say it’s serious, just like the tone that your story should have, given that it’s about an ex-convict.
There’s also the fact that there are no other stories titles as such on AFF and you hit the unique part of your title on the spot.

⇒FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION- [13/15]

I’m glad that you allowed text selection. This facilitates my task. :)

Description: Even though your description is very good for your story, as it shows what your story is going to be about in short and simple words, I find that the length of it is too short.
A description is what will hook your readers at first read and if one doesn’t provide much information, especially in the case of a one-shot, people might just not take the time to read/subscribe. I’m saying in the case of a one shot because it will have only one chapter and it can’t be like short/long fics, where your readers will think that everything will be explained during the chapters of the story.
The description/foreword part usually gives an insight of your writing style and if the description itself is too short, then the readers might get the impression that your actual one-shot chapter is short, too.

Foreword: I quite like that you used the foreword section for a little excerpt. It’s short and sweet and it makes up for the lack of material in your Description.

I found a few mistakes, which I will point out and explain below, in the grammar, spelling and punctuation section.

I do like that you’ve stated that the story is not . You won’t disappoint readers who expect and you won’t scare off readers (Like me!) who don’t read .

⇒THE PLOTLINE- [18/20]

The start was quite confusing because it’s not clear in which year they were.

Plus, when Minseok was looking at the wired walls, one would think he just entered the prison and had a whole lifetime’s sentence in front of him.

It was only around Jongdae’s death that the time frame became clearer, as their 32 years of friendship was mentioned.

You expressed Minseok’s grief without adding tears to it and that’s something I like.

I liked that you explained each part when it came up, such as ‘the hole’. You did not start your story with a description of every nook and corner of the prison.

The little gathering between Yixing Zitao and Minseok was too brief for my taste as I would have liked to know them more as a group.

It’s not really clear just how much time after Jongdae’s death that Minseok had his trial. But then again, it doesn’t really matter.

Minseok’s awe at his new surroundings was excellently described.

 Also, I feel that Minseok’s appearance should have been explained at the start and not after his trial.

He was feeling out of place as well, but the wonder of everything overpowered that. He struggled to accept the changes that occurred in his absence.

It was quite sad how he was treated by the youngsters at the store, especially since he had not been there to witness the evolution in teenagers and technology.

It however moved too fast to the visit to Luhan’s apartment. It would have been nice to know how they managed to get to know each other a bit during those two weeks. I understand that this is not and I’m not asking for them to know each other romantically. But, even if you are interested to know someone because he can help with your research, it is quite uncommon to invite him to your home just after meeting him once.

As for the end, it was very smoothly done. It was both expected and unexpected. Expected because Minseok expressed his dissatisfaction with this new life often enough and unexpected because this was not the ending one would expect.

⇒THE FLOW OF THE STORY- [14/15]

Your story was paced quite well, except for, as I said, the start of it, where the time frame was unclear.

The brief part about Minseok in prison that we get to read was smoothly done. It flowed well, from the start, where he was wandering around; to the end, where he had his trial shortly after Jongdae’s death.

Again, you did not rush when Minseok was introduced to the modern world and lifestyle, where kids are rude and teenagers are even ruder with an addiction to technology.

The end was quite unexpected, but you dropped hints about it throughout the whole story.

 

⇒CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT- [13/15]

Your characters were well explained. All were explained from Minseok’s point of view, which was good since the story is about him.

We get to know how he viewed his friends as.

For someone who is supposed to play an important role, since he is on the poster as well, Luhan is introduced quite late.

Luhan is gives off a mysterious feeling, since we don’t know his appearance and we can’t really connect to him because of that.

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