It wasn’t easy for me to watch how the river flows silkily passed between my fingertips. Having it passed by the gaps between my non occupant fingers. 7 months ago I couldn’t complain since it was hers that always filled the gaps. 7 Months and 8 days were all it takes to make me feel that loneliness again, before she came to the picture. 7 months and 8 days were nothing but lovely and bubbly days. 7 months and 8 days were all it took to break us apart.

“Kang Seulgi, are you breaking up with me?”

Her trembling voice that night hit my guts, making me gulp down another shot of beer.

The guilt.

Oh, the guilt.

“if that’s what you want,” I frustrated, maybe with her, or maybe with myself.

“believe me, it’s not about what I wanted. If you wanted to break up, then let’s break up.”

I hate the fact that I can’t take my words back. How I actually wanted her for begging me to stay, How I actually needed her to plead and asking me to fight for her. But I guess, 7 months were all it took for both of us to get tired with never ending arguments. Tired with each other. It was always about the simplest thing, but it always ended up with bizarre thing. Either she was crying her eyes out until sleep got the best of her or me lighting up another endless pack of cigarette.

“fine, let’s break up.”

When you, my friend, thought it would get better once she left your side, it sure didn’t work for me. I used to think I’d end those smoking pits once she was out from the picture. But man did I was wrong since now I have another pack of cigarette with me just to keep her out of my mind.

I didn’t even remember why did I breaking up with her on the first place? Brain, why?

I was doing fine on the first day after those breaking up things but then come another day and another night. 5 days were all it took for me to be this close for going insane. I haven’t seen her again since our break up. Thousands question running in my mind, I guess this is what would make me went nuts eventually.

How is she holding up? Is she alright? Did she eat on time? Did she do well with her dance practice? Did she trip on her feet again?

Sure she was a klutz but an adorable one.

But right now, like God has heard my unanswered question and my curious mind, I just have to see her walking passed the main road in front of the river that I’ve been hanging around.

She was wearing her black coat since it was damn cold outside. Why would she on the street while it was almost below 10 degree outside? Right, she was out doing her groceries. I knew it since she used to ask me to come with her and this is the only way to get to the closest grocery shop. Once it was raining so hard but she just had to call me and tell me to come with her to buy her stuff. I, sure once was a good girlfriend, immediately agree after she bribed me with my favorite food. Actually, even if she didn’t offer to cook for me, I’d still accompany her, since I don’t want her to be outside with that kind of weather. Besides she was allergic to chicken.

A smile is suddenly drawn on my face as I was remembering out little bantering when she was taking so long to buy the food ingredients.

“it was for your favorite chicken soup, you dumb , so stop complaining!” she whined.

God, do I miss that whiny voice with her jutted lips. It took only less than 4 seconds to erase those pouty lips of hers with a smile plus a blush cheeks once I landed my lips on hers. I remember how she lightly punch my arms after that.

Unconsciously, my feet just had to drag me to go after her.

“Joohyun! Wait up!”

I didn’t realize I was sprinting until I’m trying to catch a breath while using my hand holding onto my knees to support me from collapsing.

She was a little bit surprised at first but then she frowns,

“what are you doing here?”

Those cold tones,

I could live with that if only that means she would take me back.

“don’t tell me you’ve been waiting for me?” she asked again since I wasn’t able to answer her question.

“no, I was hanging out around by the river.”

“with who?”

And I took a pack of my cigarette with a grin plastered on my face. It usually pisses her off.

“smoking again?,” she slightly raised her voice.

Damn sure she was pissed.

I was still grinning. if it could go wider, it would.

“why? You were doing fine without them for these last couple of months.”

You.

And it was because of you I stopped smoking, but since you’ve been gone, I have no other reasons to stay away from my best buddy, no?

I actually wanted to say that but my stupid mouth just had to answer it the wrong way.

“stop telling me what to do, you’re not my mother.”

And her frowns went deeper,

“fine, it’s not like I’m your girlfriend anymore, feel free to die young.”

Wow did that hurt, and she just left me standing there with mouth agape.

“wait, Joohyun!”

And she doesn’t stop this time. She just went inside the grocery shops without looking back. Without sparing me another glance.

“I’m sorry, okay?”

And she stops on her track, looking her way outta me.

“can we just have a normal conversation without being on each other’s throat? Like friends?”

This time I was the one who frowns, but I don’t want us to be friends.

“you want us to be friend?,” I voiced out my thought.

“well I don’t know, since we didn’t work out when I used to be your girlfriend.”

Used? Ugh did that sting.

Instead of firing my answers back, I take this chance to grab her bag and, being the brave girl that I am, loop my hands around her shoulder.

“now now, stop fighting, what section do we need to go?,” I asked as I guide her towards vegetable section.

And if I wasn’t wrong, she was blushing at first but she didn’t squirm her way out. if only I was daydreaming, she walks closer towards my side.

“I was planning to make soup.”

“chicken soup?”

“ha! You wish,” and did she smiled.

“it’s not like you were going to invite me over, so a girl could ask, right?,” I answered cheekily.

Smooth.

Silence occupies us when she was busy looking for her cooking ingredients. Once she was done, I don’t want to think she was back clings onto my side and fighting back the urge to hug my waist, but what she did totally shows it like that. At least on my perspective.

“you smell like cigarettes,” she suddenly breaking our comfortable silence.

Of course she noticed, we walk side by side like no space is needed.

“well yeah, I’ve been smoking.”

Another silence.

“it’s not nice,” she muttered.

And another silence.

“it is,” I whispered only for her to hear.

If only we weren’t on the we-are-breaking-up-but-i-want-to-have-you-back zone, I would kiss her side of head and let her vanilla scent consuming me and making me light headed. But I held it back, in case she yells at me for being an opportunist.

“you dyed your hair.”

She took a few seconds to tuck a strand of her hair with a big goof smile on her face,

“I thought you didn’t notice,” she said confidently.

Atta girl.

“of course I did, when will I not notice a slightly change from you?” I said non-chalantly.

And she blushed and she tried to hide it, smooth me is smooth.

“stop saying such thing when you didn’t mean it.”

Such a stubborn , she wouldn’t want to think if I was trying to get back to her when I really wanted was exactly that. Stop fighting it, Joohyun.

“does it look good on me?,” she added.

This time I shouldn’t answer it lightly, so I put more serious tones on my voice.

“anything looks good on you, Joohyun.”

She was blushing again but this time she doesn’t hide it, instead she was smiling.

“doesn’t mean I didn’t miss your old brown locks,” I said guiding her to seasoning section.

And she halts. I was walking 2 steps ahead of her before suddenly turning my back and looking at her whom looking at me with pleading eyes(?)

“did you miss my hair or did you miss me?,” she is staring at my soul with those innocent eyes.
If only I didn’t know any better, she was baiting me. But two can play this way, right?

“did you want me to miss your hair or did you want me to miss you?,” I answered smoothly as I walk back towards her.

And if I wasn’t wrong, she answered it with a low voice and hint of shyness,

“both.”

And that’s my cue to tighten up my grip on her shoulder.

---

“thank you for accompany me tonight,” she said as I dropped her off to her home.

“nah, don’t mention it.”

And she was quiet. she was observing me and hesitating whether it was the right thing to left things of here.

“are you really not coming?”

And a sad smile form on my face,

“it’s kinda late”

Actually I want to spend the night with her but I don’t know what we are. We are supposed to be breaking up, right? It doesn’t feel right if I accept her offer right now.

“oh, alright then.”

I was actually hearing a hint of sadness on her voice but I bite back the urge to hug her and ruffled her hair.

“call..”

And she stops, she was hesitating to finish her sentences. But I dare to look at her eyes with a gentle smile forming on my face, hinting her to go on. It’s alright, Joohyoun. You can say it.

“call me when you get home?”

“sure.” I answered, there’s still a smile plastered on my face.

And I was out from her sight.

One step, two steps, three steps.

And loneliness comes back eating me alive.

All I can think about was her delicate smile curved reach to her eyes, her soothing voice, her petite figure, her skinny waist, her long light brown hair, her brown eyes, and her vanilla scent.

Call me when you get home?

those words keep repeating in my head over and over again like kind of mantra.

I’ve been home this whole time, since I laid my eyes on her 7 months and 8 days ago. 7 months and 8 days were all it took for me to find home.

And all it takes 5 seconds for me to press the speed dial number one and it takes exactly 3 rings for it gets pick up.

“are you already home?”

“Joohyun, I’m sorry.”

And she was quiet, I thought she hung up already by now. Not until I was breaking our silence with my next words.

“I’m sorry if I didn’t realize that I was already home all this time.”

I thought she would yell at me for being an by now, but I guess I was wrong.

“I’m sorry too.”

Her words got me choked up. I feel like running to her house and barked in just to have her back in my arms again. It will only take 5 seconds for me to get back to her front door.

“Joohyun?”

“yeah?”

One second.

“are you still there?”

“yeah,” she whispered.

Three seconds.

“no, I mean, are you still there?”

“there?”

Five seconds and I saw Joohyun’s figure standing in front of her door. Her face looks confused for a second but not until she realized I’m standing in front of her. Hands still preoccupied with our own cell pressing to our ears. Her small smile drawn to her face when I finally said,

“when we were in love.”

She takes a step forward to where I’m standing, smile never flattered.

“when we are in love,” I added.

Cold sweat suddenly forming on my forehead.

“are you?,” she dared as she takes another step forward.

And I pressed the end button without taking my eyes from staring at her,

“I am, are you?”

This time I was the one who take the lead to step forward and gently cupping her face.

And she nods, and that’s all that it takes for me to close our gaps and capture her lips ever so softly in beautifully slow motion. In between heated kiss, I manage to say between the kisses and taking air for breath,

“let’s not breaking up.”

she nods against my palms,

“let’s not.”