Half past 9pm, staying barely some feet away from the 10 stored building, eyes glued particularly at the second floor, Hongbin stood dull. Half burned Cigarette was in his mouth, side bag hung on one of the shoulders with a camera bag snaking around his neck. Strong cool breezes were blowing cruelly but hongbin wasn't cold a bit despite the sleeveless cotton T-shirt he was in.

It was barely even noticeable because of the dim light on the old pole but down on the ground was silver as if it was painted with the ashes of cigarettes as all hongbin had been doing since past two hours was nothing but smoking. 

Hongbin hadn't really wanted to come back to Korea, especially not in front of the building he had been staring at. If it could have been possible, he had thought of not entering to his homeland for his whole life but unfortunately his work made him to and there wasn't anything he could do except for regretting the fact that he shouldn't have choose to work with his recent project. 

Had it really already been seven years since he stayed away from Korea? Hongbin wondered to himself something very obvious, exhaling smoke out from his nose. 

Of course it had. 

The surrounding once use to be a playground but now it was crowded with other big buildings. All of them were shooting city lights. And Hongbin wasn't even surprised. It didn't matter even if everything had changed. All it mattered was that the apartment building he was looking at had stayed same like his heart had: dull throughout the years. He wondered if people inside it had been same too?

"Haa...." Hongbin heaved an exhausted audible sigh before creeping remaining cigarette bud under his right foot. He was tired, his legs were starting to ache and he wanted to rest. The plane flight hadn't been pleasurable and standing for hours wasn't helping. He just wanted to sleep and feel nothing. He wasn't supposed to come here. Hongbin should have just gone to hotel with his team mate, Sanghyuk but no, his stupid heart had to drag him here. 

Blinking away from the building to look down at his hand at the packet of cigarette, he was greeted with the empty box. His face turned into an astonishment expression. He finally came to realize that he had actually finished the whole pack.

"!?"

Hongbin cursed out softly before throwing the pack away. His tongue felt dry as if he had just eaten the mud and his lips felt like cracking up that it could bleed anytime. Taking out the water bottle from his bag, he gulped down the water till it reached its halfway. He was in the act of putting the cap on bottle when his eyes naturally turned back to the building and upon looking at the particular apartment from before: 

His heart skipped a beat, that he dropped the water bottle off his hand. 

There, he saw a figure standing near the window panel. The person could have been any others but no, his heart seemed to recognize him even through bundles of curtains. 

Taekwoon. 

Jung Taekwoon, his hyung. 

Hongbin suddenly caught breathe right up in his throat, eyes widen. Chills ran down his body. Taekwoon wasn't supposed to pop out right of nowhere, hongbin argued to himself. He wasn't supposed to see Taekwoon's shadow and he wasn't supposed to stare at his figure right now. His heart wasn't supposed to ache and his eyes weren't supposed to sting with fresh tears. Nothing was supposed to happen and yet it was happening.

Hongbin shouldn't have really come here in the first place. 

"." 

He mumbled, as a first drop of tear slipped down his cheek. Not like he saw Taekwoon in person. It was just his ing shadow hiding behind curtains. Why was he crying for? 

Such a pathetic loser, he told to himself. He should just leave now or he'd just pass on his own legs. Why was Hongbin so weak? All his life, he had been nothing but a loser always losing fight against his own heart despite him being the owner. He was a grown up 29 years who couldn't even control his own tears.

While he attempted to wipe his tears and turn his heels on to leave, he saw Taekwoon bending on his knees slightly for some seconds before standing with another figure in his hands. 

Hongbin stopped in his track as Taekwoon started jogging slowly around the apartment in act of making the small figure in his embrace sleep or may be make it stop crying. At least that is how Hongbin managed to imagine on his ed up mind. 

Taekwoon was still rummaging around his apartment from one corner to another when Hongbin stumbled on his legs to take a step towards the apartment. He knew this was going to be a very bad idea but he marched inside the building anyway until he reached the door of apartment which once use to be his home too. Where he had spent nineteen years of his life. Jung family. Even though he was standing out, it was fascinating how the smell of his home still felt the same as much as he remembered from his past. 

Staring for quite long nibbling on his lower lip, he took in a quick breathe and slowly let it out before raising his left hand to make a knock on the door. But as difficult it was, his hand stopped in the middle air before it could even fall on the door. 

"Haaa...." 

Hongbin dropped his hand back at its place. He was acting out of his track again. Hanging his head low to the point his chin stuck on his adam's apple, he thought about how he had left his family and Taekwoon 7 years ago that he didn't have any right to come back to their den. 

Instead, he made his way towards the rooftop where he immediately passed on his leg and putting his stuffs aside he lied down on the bare familiar floor with his right hand using as pillow, like he had done few years back, on the last night of staying in Korea. Well, his work would take an hour or more tomorrow before returning back, this was going to be another of his last nights in Korea again and compared to that night, the stars were seemingly very less. 

"You guys don't look happy either? No shining and twinkling today?" Hongbin asked to the stars, a little dry sobs lingering at the back of his voice. His index finger trolling in air pointing at stars as if he was making efforts counting them. 

"But you know what?" He said in air, bringing back his hand to rest on his stomach. "Right now, I kinda feel a little light and ha..ppy...." He trailed of at the end but he meant it.

"Taekwoon hyung's a dad now, yeah?" He asked but to whom was he questioning? He didn't know. "I am happy because Taekwoon hyung got his happiness." He mumbled chewing on his inner cheeks. "Taekwoon hyung had always wanted to have a daughter and I guess he has her now?" Hongbin questioned in air again. "Or it could be him? A son?" He said unsure. He couldn't figure it out from only shadow. "It doesn't actually matter though, because he had always liked children anyway." He managed to huff a smile and it was rather actually a true smile. 

 "I wanted to congratulate but this thing called courage...." He cooed, nibbling his lower lip quite softly. "Courage doesn't go well with me." It never did. 

Till some minutes ago, he was sobbing because he thought he only made himself worse coming here but now he thinks that he actually did well coming as he felt like a weight had lifted off his shoulder after seeing Taekwoon caressing his baby to sleep. 

Hongbin turned to his left breaking eye contact from the stars to stare at the blank space in front of him. 

"Hyung, you came a long way, yeah?" Hongbin asked as if it wasn't a blank space he was talking to but a real Taekwoon. "You did well." He complimented. 

"But I am still the same Hongbin, hyung." He added, a little louder than a whisper. "The same loser Hongbin." 

Hongbin thought if Taekwoon would have been there with him right now then he would be putting his hand on his head caressing it like he always did when he comforted: No bean-ah you're doing good yourself. He imagined Taekwoon saying it to him.

But Hongbin knew he wasn't doing any good. He doubted if he could do any better in future too. Not like he wanted to get better though because he knew, to get better means to forget Taekwoon. To get numb from every touch and sensation of Taekwoon. To remove Taekwoon out of his life. To erase Taekwoon from his memory. 

And Hongbin didn't want Taekwoon to be forgotten from his memory and life. For his whole life, he would rather live in pain than to forget Taekwoon. He might not had done good in improving himself with his life, but he had been doing so good with the pain so far, keeping Taekwoon safe in his memories. 

Every sensation of Taekwoon since the first time they met in park to the last time they hugged on the same rooftop he was sleeping on, it stung inside Hongbin's body and memory like a fresh sweet painkiller which actually reduced the pain in sense always adding a pleasurable hurtful feelings. 

Hongbin made a turn to look back at sky for a moment. Then he shuffled his hands inside his backpack's inner pocket to reach for a phone before returning to his tilted position at his right. It wasn't the iPhone he was using recently but the Samsung Galaxynote3 he used to use when he lived in Korea. He checked the phone simultaneously like it was some kind of treasury. Yet it was. His treasury. Inside it, there'd be lots of memories of him and Taekwoon. How come it could be less valuable than a treasure? 

"I haven't switched this on- for even once - after I texted you before I left for Japan." Hongbin declared to his imaginary Taekwoon like possibly he could hear, even if he was somewhere down on the same building as his. So near yet so far, yeah? 

"I don't know if it works anymore." He said uncertainly as he made external check of the phone. He though couldn't tell whether it was fine or not as only the source of light seemed to be the half-moon on the sky. "But it showed charging when I plugged it in with a charger. So it might just work." Hongbin then shuffled his finger to search the small button on his old phone and putting index finger on the button, he asked, "Do you think I should switch this on? Do you think my sim card gets activated again?” yet again in air. 

Hongbin knew that he shouldn't probably open the phone. He knew he was gonna regret. He knew he'd cry. Or at least he'd get a tinge poking in his heart. But he was already hurt, already a broken man. So a little more pain wouldn't matter, yeah? With a heavy heart, Hongbin pressed the button and after some seconds, it flickered on with an alert: 

Your number and cell phone, both are currently on a deactivation mode. Do you want to re-activate? 

Hongbin paused for a moment before tapping yes. 

Loading....

Hongbin's heart skipped a beat as it started beating irregularly afterwards. 

Enter the code for the activation.

Hongbin didn't even hesitate to type the codes but took a deep nervous breathe as he wet his lips with his tongue. 

1110. Taekwoon's birthday. 

Please wait. It could take a minute or two. 

The phone didn't have to instruct. He was waiting anyway. 

Then may be it took two minutes or more before his cell phone flickered on, greeting Hongbin with his and Taekwoon's picture on the lock screen that his heart went cold seeing how both of were smiling so brightly at the cam. Hongbin just glared admiringly at how beautiful his lock screen looked before it got washed in as notifications of mails started appearing on the screen. 

His heart which was already cold now started tingling like he had expected, after he saw the names for almost all his notifications were LeoHyung. There were like more than hundreds of them that Hongbin turned into a comfortable position before shakily unlocking his phone. 

Hongbin hadn't even yet opened any of the emails but his eyes were already filling with fresh tears. Trying to blink the tears away, he scrolled through the notifications to reach the very first one and tapped with a shaking finger. 

2015, November 13, 07:08 am. 

Yeah~ let's meet for sure in our next life. 
You should be my girl kongie, you are more beautiful among us. ^_^ 
Be happy more than me. :) 
You must be looking dashing on it. Have a safe journey, Kong! 
I love you too, bean ah. <3
Goodbye. :( 

Hongbin still remembered how he had searched Taekwoon in his room that day of leaving but had found him sleeping on the rooftop in an awkward position that he didn't have the heart to wake elder up. And it would have been hard to split up anyway. So he had just pecked him on his forehead and bid goodbye in whisper. Then he had left after hopping his jacket on him.   

It was when he reached airport that he had to enter the board, he texted Taekwoon with a blurry vision through tears. And after almost seven years and more he was looking at the replies. He felt so painfully happy that tears broke in. 

Hongbin didn't even bother wiping his tears away. They were slipping through his eye corners to ears anyway and he knew, more were yet to come. Scrolling a little down, he tapped on one of Taekwoon's another mail. 

2015, November 14, 09:19 pm.

Can't you just come back? :(

09:23 pm.

I don't feel alright, bean. Can't you just come to me again, to your hyung? :((

09:27 pm. 

Come back please, yeah? 

09:40 pm.

At least talk to me please. Bean-ah, please? 

10:17 pm.

I ing really miss you already. How much more do you think I can live like this? 

Hongbin choked and gasped loudly. His vision was getting blurred. 

10:36 pm.

Just come back please. 

10:49 pm.

I know I am being a coward but I don't feel like living like this. It hurts. Please? 

11:01 pm. 

It hurts and it just hurts. I feel nothing but pain. Kong, please just at least let me talk to you. Let me ju..just..

11:11 pm.

Please. I miss you. 

Hongbin broke into an ugly sob, choking hardly on his own saliva that he had to change himself into a seated position. He hit his chest harshly in sense to stop his heart from crying too. It hurt to see how Taekwoon pleaded so desperately to him. He could almost hear to Taekwoon's soft voice begging him to come back. It hurt so bad his heart was breaking apart because he had hurt Taekwoon. It hurt because he was hurt like Taekwoon. It hurt because he was supposed to get hurt. 

He clearly remembered how he had cried like ing crazy too when he was in Japan the very next night. The every next days that came, he did nothing but crying. He had felt like dying. He had felt like the world had come to the end that he thought he wouldn't get to even see the sunrise the next day. Until before and till now, he felt like crying and he was doing so. 

He finally intended to wipe those filthy tears that he knew were gonna flow again and again. They did indeed when Hongbin read following some emails from Taekwoon where as well he was pleading Hongbin to come back and at least talk to him. Taekwoon had emailed him almost every day for several months with I miss you's and I love you's. 

It was maybe after like 10 months, on his birthday, Taekwoon had promised Hongbin or like to Taekwoon himself for something that helped bring smile on Hongbin's lips that he actually heaved a relief in midst of sniffing. 

2016, September 29, 04:04 am. 

You grew a year older, bean. 23, hmm. How you doing? Are you okay and doing fine? Any special birthday plans? Ha, I know I am never getting a reply from you. But you know, I just can't help myself from texting you. It ju..st soothes me.  But now or later I need to stop. So, today I want to let you know that I am gonna try and live my life without you now. Past some months it was hard, very much harder than I ever thought it would be. That is maybe I never tried. Without your presence around me I didn't and don't feel complete and I won't ever feel full in future too. I know I was ignoring the fact that crying over you won't ever bring you back to me cos like you always said we are impossible. So even if you come back we won't work out together. As oblivious, I am realizing things slowly. Loving you was always a wrong painful pleasure, bean. We always knew we were wrong. But it was never our fault. Right? God made us brothers so its his fault. I'll never in my life stop loving you no matter what. I am a married man and I need to move on for my family, yeah? I know you'd have said same thing to me like be responsible and work hard. Yeah, so I am gonna try my best not to forget you but live. You were best part of my life, Lee Hongbin. I love you. Happy birthday. 

Hongbin let out hard breathe through hiccups. He sighed, yeah the one that engraved relief but that didn't mean he wasn't crying. He was. Almost like crazy again. His shoulders shook, his stomach flipped inside and he thought he was about to throw up. He had to keep his phone aside for a moment to use both of his hands to close his mouths. But soon his stomach felt alright that he used his hands to wipe the tears and clean his runny nose instead. 

But guess what? He was intending to clean his tears as if he was clearing his cheeks to welcome new tears and splash in there. Cos god, it wouldn't stop.  So, he just gave up. Cried over the email. Cried over Taekwoon. Ugly sobs, yeah? It didn't matter. He was loud. Yet it didn't matter. Grown up man, yeah? It still didn't matter. He bawled like it was the only way to dispose his emotions that he was feeling like a crap. But he knew he wasn't a crap, yet God was. 

Like Taekwoon said, they were wrong cos they knew they shouldn't have actually fall in love. Not in romantic way, at least. They knew they were the pair of impossible. They knew they were running on the path of thorns hoping it would turn into a road of flowers but it never did and they were aware about the consequences. But like Taekwoon said again, it wasn't their fault. It was God's. It indeed was. It was like the musical of destiny that god played, where Taekwoon and Hongbin were the leads. 

After some drastically long moment of tantrums, Hongbin tried calming himself with a breathe in and out for staying stable that actually worked. He then again picked up the phone back and clicked on another email. He needed to go through this now that he had already come all the way along. 

2017, May 30, 7:17 pm. 

Kong, I met Hakyeon today and we drank together. He said you're such an and I defended you. You're such an angel. How could he? Haha. But he misses you. I miss you too. 

Hongbin managed to actually laugh out loud this time without his eyes drenching with tears. Of course Hakyeon hyung'd call him an . That was something very obvious to be called. It was surprise he didn't call him other names in fact. They use to be close. He didn't greet him any goodbyes and just disappeared. He deserved it. And he saw some of the mails were from Hakyeon as well but he was gonna finish Taekwoon's first. 

He then moved to following mails. There weren't much remaining. 

2017, June 08, 12:05 pm. 

I got promoted today. We are celebrating. I miss you more today. 

2017, August 04, 09:33 pm. 

I am so tired. I wish you'd have been here to comfort me. I miss you. 

2017, September 29, 06:19 am.

A year older again. I never mentioned but Mom and Dad misses you too. Occasionally, they always talk about you. You're always in our heart. Happy birthday bean. I miss you. 

Hongbin didn't cry at this but the tears sure threatened to come out. Sometimes in occasion, Hongbin missed his parents. But unlike Taekwoon, they never got stuck in his heart and mind. Maybe because Hongbin never really tried getting close to them even when they were his parents. Or maybe because he never liked being their son to start with. Or maybe because he was always attached to Taekwoon for everything he needed. Taekwoon took the place of everyone.  

2018, February 16, 04:45 pm. 

Jaehwan and Wonshik got married today. They said it would have been wonderful if you were here too. I miss you more in time like this. 

It really would have been wonderful if he could have been. He could at least congratulate them. 

2018, March 21, 01:07

I am doing well. Things are going well with me. But I miss you, that is. 

2018, September 29, 05:11 am. 

Yet again older, yeah? Happy birthday bean. I miss you. 

2019, April 30, 08:14 pm.

I miss your dimples. 

Hongbin wasnt even sure if he still had dimples because he hadnt laughed for long now, he didnt even care about them anymore. He almost forgot he had dimples.  

2019, September 29, 07:07 am. 

Congratulations on getting a year older again. I miss you. Happy birthday. 

2020, September 29, 10:14 pm. 

I am sorry I am late to wish you today. I was busy, out for work. Anyway, happy birthday bean. I miss you. 

2021, September 29, 08:57 am. 

28 already huh? I hope you are healthy, happy birthday Kong. I miss you. 

Hongbin noticed how the emails had turned slowly into only birthday wishes. It meant Taekwoon was trying his best to progress and he was stepping to success. 

2022, March 17, 11:23 am. 

I have news today! I am a father to be, Kong. 

2022, September 29, 11:11 am. 

Hey hey, last year in twenties, yeah? Happy birthday, I still miss you as always. 

2022, December 01, 12:02 pm. 

Baby girl! Its a baby girl, Kong. I am so happy. I wish I could show you to her. 

Hongbin laughed at this again. It was the last mail from Taekwoon. He could picture Taekwoon squealing, hovering around hospital. He must have looked like the cutest in his thirties jumping like a kangaroo. Hongbin was sincerely happy and wished he could see her too. For almost after 7 years they had a baby and it was something Hongbin was proud of Taekwoon. Like he said, he tried and success in living his life. 

But what did Hongbin do with his life till now? He questioned to himself. Simple, nothing. A job at small magazine company as a photographer that had paid him enough to even save but what did he do with that? Bought beers and cigarettes. Always got knocked out draining in Taekwoon's thought. He didn't even try living like Taekwoon. He didn't even try collecting himself from falling. At least, Taekwoon struggled and was happy now. 

But where was Hongbin now? Nowhere. Still falling and slipping. Taekwoon made sure to never forget to wish on his birthdays. Always made sure to say he missed him. And what did he do on Taekwoon's birthday? ing only cried and bawled like a pathetic loser he was. Getting drunk and vomiting out of his live. 

Hongbin couldnt even say that he missed Taekwoon like crazy when every moment till now; he had been missing the elder. 

"Ha, hyung, congratulations." Hongbin managed to spit out as he caressed the very last message of Taekwoon with his thumb finger about how he was happy to have a daughter. That made him think about how much of impossible it was to Hongbin to give happiness to Taekwoon even if they were to run away and end up together. He wouldn't be able to ever give anything more than love to Taekwoon. 

"You actually did well today, Jung Hongbin." He complimented to himself, calling out his own names in ages. It felt strange in his lips. 

Despite pathetic toot he was, Hongbin felt rather light and relaxed. He thought he did something good in ages. He threw his body back to lying on the floor and stared at the dark sky. He thought he did well coming here and deciding to open his old phone that he thought would've been a regretting . He got to know how Taekwoon felt and how he helped himself through struggling. He got to know Taekwoon never forgot Hongbin but learned to move on. 

Taekwoon was always so strong though unlike Hongbin, er. 

Hongbin felt his eyes puff swollen, nose still runny. He should be leaving soon or else his colleague would create a fuss. But Hongbin didn't feel like moving. He was comfortable and felt like sleep coming to him, a very comfortable sleep indeed. 

Hongbin then went up for his old gallery on his treasured phone. When he tapped to album named leobin, he clicked open a picture where they were still kids. 10 and 13, on a playground where Taekwoon was passing soccer ball to Hongbin. He smiled at the scene. Taekwoon had always loved soccer but Hongbin had never liked it. But since Taekwoon always insisted in teaching, Hongbin at the end ended up learning and liking it. 

So, Hongbin thought he should try and learn things too. 

Yeah, definitely he should. Like Taekwoon. To try and live. Taekwoon might not ever be together with Hongbin again, but he was and would always be in his heart. Loved and safe. 

"Wish me luck, hyung." Hongbin murmured softly, scrolling to next picture, viewing smiling Taekwoon and himself. "I am about to learn from yo....you agai...nn..." 

The last words came out as a muffle, as his eyelids felt heavy and slowly he drifted off to sleep. 

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Okay, so I wanted this. I still have more, so if you guys still read this and want more then.... 

Grammars and any other errors, please read on your own risk. Thankyou. ♡♡ 

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