A very short one....

About a year ago we were inseparable.  We were the epitome of the music industry. We were greatness and greatness was us.

400 days ago

“You're leaving?! Who the gave you the permission to leave?!....”

They were having a discussion about Jessica's departure in SM. The only ones present were the president, Taeyeon, Jessica and their managers. Jessica had her head low and never did she once dared to look at Taeyeon's state, not that she was aware that the latter didn't even respond to the discussion. Taeyeon didn't nod, didn't move. Taeyeon just didn't care. The only thing that was playing inside her head was, why?

The long- meeting finally met its end and Taeyeon was still numbly sitting. The president had exited the room while their managers went out to get coffee in order to give the two eldest member what could be their last alone time. After almost 20 minutes of zero communication, Jessica decided to get out because it hurt too much to silently remain seated and watch the person you love, knowing there was nothing that can be done to fix it, sitting there like an unanimated object, trying to figure things out.

As she was about to exit the door, she heard a faint voice..

“Close the door.”

Shocked, she said, “what?”

Jessica turned around and to her surprise, Taeyeon was looking right at her. She expected the leader to have red eyes or at least sadness pasted on her face but all she saw was the used to be soft and beautiful pair of eyes were now dead, emotionless and dark.

“I said, lose the ING DOOR!” Taeyeon slammed both her hands on the table. Undoubtedly, Jessica was scared at how she was behaving  because it was the first time in their 15 years together. But slowly she did what the leader asked her to. After she was done, Jessica turned around again just to find Taeyeon taking heavy, slow steps with her hair covering half of her face and her eyes stuck on the floor, walking towards her.

“T-Taeyeon ah.... what are you do-”

“Shhh...You've talked enough in front of the president. It’s my time to talk.” 

Jessica had her back against the door, not that she was afraid of what Taeyeon would do or say, she was afraid of those eyes that were looking into hers. They were dangerous. They were almost barbaric but she knew that Taeyeon was nothing like that. The leader hauled a chair, setting it in front of Jessica and sat. Her expression stayed the same. She looked up, making her hair fall to her side, revealing her pale skin. She has had enough. Taeyeon figured she had endured enough. So why do this to her?

“Taeyeon a-”

“You're leaving...?”

“Taeyeon it's not like th - ”

However, before Jessica could finish her sentence, Taeyeon was  already up on her feet, screaming, “You're leaving?! Who the gave you the permission to leave?!” as she roughly slammed both her hands on the door, blocking Jessica from going anywhere. Though Jessica was startled, she kept her gaze on to Taeyeon's. To see if it affected her as much as it affected herself. But to her dismay, Taeyeon only showed anger, she didn't seemed sad or even disappointed. She was just mad.

“BECAUSE I KNOW I NEVER DID!! AND IM PRETTY SURE NONE OF US DID!!! THESE THINGS ARE NOT FUNNY!! THEY ARE NOT ING HILARIOUS SO IF THIS IS A JOKE, CUT THE BULL!!!"”

Taeyeon was shouting. She didn't know why but she was howling her lungs out, she felt a sense of relieve. For the first time in years, she let her emotions out. She expressed her feelings. Girl groups are not supposed to do what she did. It was strange to her too. When Jessica didn't have a reply, Taeyeon pulled both her hands to her side, sighing one small breath and with her head hanging low, she leaned in for a small hug. Her hands grabbed the sides of Jessica's hem and she put her head on the other girl's shoulder. She was supposed to be mad. She thought she still was. But the urge of needing her comfort was bigger than her ego, she knew.

Jessica on the other hand couldn't comprehend what just happened and stayed immobilized. Taeyeon was being a bipolar. She was showing hatred one minute, and the next she goes in for a hug. Taeyeon peeled her exhausted, pathetic-self off of Jessica before the hug could be reciprocated. Taeyeon came in front of her and the view hurt Jessica to the point that she would do anything to make it go away. Make everything back to normal. 

Taeyeon had her face smeared, her eyes red and her lips trembled. She recklessly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at Jessica one last time. Her eyes depicting pain. The pain of 7 other naive girls. The pain that would kick everyone in the nuts.When Jessica had nothing to say, Taeyeon figured this might be it. All the otps associated with the girl in front of her would be in misery.

Every. Single. One.

She never wanted this much not to give up but it pained her more that the person she cared most about, didn't want to have anything to do with her anymore. 

“ you...”

And she left.

Taeyeon never regretted her actions, how she responded. Because to her, Jessica deserved it. 

That was probably the last time Taeyeon had cried. Ever since the news came out, she became emotionless. She could be happy but sadness was just not there anymore. So she stuck besides 7 members who were bawling their eyes out almost every night, every time they had privacy. But Taeyeon would be there. She's the leader. Their pain is her pain to share.

It was not until 30th September 2015 that she received a call from someone who has all the rights to despise her but didn’t.

"Taeyeon unnie....”

“Soojung?”

“U-unnie…….”

“What’s wrong, Soojung ah?”

“Sic-ca Unnie…”

“Soojung ah, what happened??”

“Sh-she’s gone… Sica Unnie d-di-died.”

That was Taeyeon's limits.

The moment when all the pain, the hurt, the emotions that she had been able to keep locked inside herself, sprung out.

 Remembering the last word they shared.

 Remembering their last encounter. 

 With no idea that the girl was already suicidal.

 They were all blinded and that what hurts the most.

Taengsic