It also didn’t take me too long to realise that I liked men as well as women. Or rather, I only liked Minseok a lot, more than I should like a man. I was going past my boundaries and this wasn’t what my parents taught me either. My parents wanted me to marry a nice girl and settle down by 30, have a few children, and then take a gradual descend in my career. After all, which fan would still like me when I was 30? By then, I wouldn’t be cute, handsome, or as energetic and youthful as compared to me now.

I wouldn’t know if anyone would still adore me and like me when I turned 30, but when I asked Minseok about it, I would never forget what he told me that touched my heart.

“When you turn 30, you’ll still be Luhan. Even when you turn 70, you’re still gonna be Luhan. Looks? They’re so superficial, I would never mind how you look. They, the fans, they don’t know how you’re like back stage, when you look so tired and without make-up, when you have those pissed off days, when you have your downs. They don’t know the whole you, Luhan. I’m proud to have known you for 6 years and counting, and I think you know that I know a lot about you. It’s about who you are on the inside – your thoughts, your feelings, your habits that will never die, your tastes, your principles and values. And I appreciate everything about you, all your flaws and faults. After all, I’m still here, am I not? I will like you regardless of how old you are, and there, you have at least one person who will still like you even when you’re 30.”

I actually cried that night because his words just meant so much to me and I was so glad that he would still like me regardless of age. I made a silent promise to myself to stay by his side and always like him too, forever. I felt so lucky to have him as my best friend – someone to rely on, cry with, cheer on, learn from, and trust. Initially, I convinced myself that I had to be content with being his best friend and nothing more, simply because I couldn’t possibly be more than that.

But over time, it pained me to control myself and let’s face it, men are greedy and they will never be content with what they have. So, I soon started to crave for more and desire Minseok’s love.

I didn’t really know when it started but I would always attach myself to Minseok wherever we went. Whether it was radio shows, music shows, awards ceremonies, or even at home, I would always be next to Minseok. In fact, during the filming of EXO Showtime, the director and staff even joked that they only needed one cameraman to follow Minseok and I because we would usually be in the same frame most of the time.

However, I was glad that Minseok didn’t mind one bit. He seemed to be quite comfortable and casual about it, but when it came to public display of affection, he was really shy about it. I knew that he was introverted about PDA since we met, but during those few times that I managed to break him out of his usual shell of shyness, those were times of breakthroughs for not just Minseok, but for us too.

Minseok and I would talk about our boundaries a lot during our deep talks late at night when one of us, usually me, had insomnia. We often brought up respect for each other’s boundaries and trust that we won’t break each other’s boundaries. We were very familiar with our boundaries and we also shifted some after compromising here and there, so we knew not to step beyond it. Therefore, we weren’t reckless by over displaying our affection, especially in front of the cameras, because Minseok and sometimes, I, were both scared of the public eye. I also learnt a lot and matured much more thanks to Minseok.

We seemed to have had our situation under control but everything spiralled out of control when the EXO Planet concert tour began and when Kris’s sudden departure came. Everything during that period was just so emotional for me and it was hard for everyone, not just me, to take. It felt like one of our close family members had passed away and left our lives completely without a word. I took it pretty hard because I always relied on Kris to lead our group, EXO-M, into the China market and beyond. But there goes our leader, flying away from his cage and leaving EXO permanently.

Eventually, I had recovered from the shock and the pain from it all, and then I realised how painful it must’ve been for Kris to leave EXO like that. I didn’t hate him for it, as I could sympathise with his troubled times in EXO and being under the wrath of SM. There was nothing left for him in EXO to make him stay, not even the 11 of us, not even Suho.

It shook me and it scared me, at the possibility of me leaving EXO one day, with or without Minseok. It would mean putting myself first and Minseok second. I didn’t want to think about that, I didn’t ever want to think about that. All I wanted was to spend all my time that I have with the people I love, which included Minseok and all my 10 members, even though some of them tried to push me away.

Some of the K members, whom I won’t name, were scared that I would leave too, so they were acting completely aloof towards me. And it was Minseok who stood up for me. He told them off, and told them to trust me and to stop acting cold towards me. He was always on my side, even though I never forced him to be and I was always thankful for him.

My feelings also escalated to a new height when the concert tours began and the unforgettable performance of “Gee” was performed. It was then we both had realised that we needed to talk after we first performed our onstage kiss. It was extremely awkward, mentally vexing and stressing, but it ended with an offstage kiss – beautiful, tender, loving and memorable. That day was the very day we confessed our true feelings for one another.

“Minseok ah…”

“Yes, Lu-ge?”

“I felt something… special during our onstage kiss.”

“Well I’m glad that I’m not the only one then.”

“I’m glad too, Minseok.”                                         

From that day onwards, our relationship seemed to have become… different. I wasn’t so sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but we had blossomed like a flower – which also meant that it was one step closer to wilting.

It felt like the status of ‘boyfriend’ was so stressful, I wondered how a simple status could have so much weight! We could no longer have our cool, comfortable and casual relationship. Or at least, this was how I felt. The fact that we had entered a relationship had made everything seem much more serious and stressful, but it was also very meaningful to the both of us to be in love with one another. Our relationship had significantly deepened with a new set of responsibilities and rules. However, I couldn’t say which kind of relationship I preferred, because as long as I was with Minseok, the dynamics of our relationship didn’t matter as much.

It was really hard to keep our relationship under wraps though – harder than Minseok’s during our first time.

I suppose it was because of the treacherous title again, it gave us unnecessary stress and worry in front of the public. But in reality, we were pretty much acting the same way in the public eye; just with illusionary suspicions as we feel the walls close in on us.