Jonghyun hated these days…He hated them more than every other day in the year. He was alone. His mother and sister had gone on a vacation in Europe and he was left alone in the big house, all by himself.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”His mother asked him for the 100-th time the day before leaving. “You can always bring a friend over so you wouldn’t have to be alone, you know that, right?” She put a pair of pants she was folding in her suitcase and turned to her son, a serious expression on her face.

He had the feeling that his mother was still treating him like a little boy. But the woman knew what her son tended to be like when alone and didn’t want him to go through hardships. She had experience with sad and depressed Jonghyun…

Most of all – it was autumn and his Seasonal Affective Disorder had a huge impact on his life at that time. He tended to cry a lot and be really emotional during that time of the year.  

“Don’t worry mom, I’ll be alright!”He reassured her. “I’m not a kid anymore.” Jonghyun gave her a big smile to make her calm down and stop worry about him that much. He really believed that he’d be OK…He was doing fine these days and hadn’t cried a lot.

“Yes, mom.” Sodam said, passing by them on the way to her room. “He’s a big boy…who cries a lot.”She chuckled and continued to her room.

Jong glared at her. She liked ruining everything every time. However, his mother nodded.

“OK…but know that - If you feel worried don’t take pills, OK? Just call us…or call a friend over…You don’t have to stay alone all the time so do something that will take your mind away from negative thoughts.”

Why had his mother been so worried?

At first he though that it would be fun. Why not – having a big house all for yourself. You can be as raucous and the house could get as noisy but there still wouldn’t be anyone to tell you anything.

However, his expectations got crushed the moment the front door of the house closed behind his noona and he was finally alone. And what to do when you’re alone? When there’s no one to utter a word to. When there’s no one you can beam at when something good happens. And even – what good could happen when you’re alone?

Absolutely nothing.

There’s that saying: And when there’s no one to wake you up in the morning, when there’s no one to wait for you in the night, when you can do whatever you want. How do you call it? Freedom or loneliness?

And yes, indeed, he felt lonely. And Jonghyun hated loneliness most of everything in the universe. Loneliness brought depression along and when depression faced Jonghyun, bad thoughts would start filling his mind.

Jonghyun went to the bathroom. He needed to splash some cold water on his face.  And he did so. He let the water run, gathering some in his palms and splashing it on his face.

“You can’t feel depressed, OK?”He said to himself, looking at his expression in the mirror. However, he couldn’t bring himself to smile for some strange reason. He didn’t feel like smiling at all.

He leaned his back against the headrest of his bed, taking a few sheets of paper and a pen. Ok…it was not such a big deal…he could get over it…He wouldn’t let himself get depressed over loneliness. Only…he needed to occupy his mind with something…Something like work? Song-writing? Yes, that would be good. He could just pour his soul into a song and he would be fine again.

But as he started thinking of words that would fill the empty lines and would turn the nothing into something beautiful, …. …. He made a mistake.

He started thinking too much. Realizations downed on him and made his stomach curl into a ball, a lump forming into his throat.

Really…why would he feel sad? He had everything he had always wanted. He had a family, a family that loved him so much, a mother that had gone through hell just so she could save that family…

And there came one of the reasons to make the puppy-eyed male feel like . He was one of the reasons why his mother’s past had been so rough on her. Her life had been close to hell. She had worked on 3 places back then, him and his sister having to stay alone in the narrow room that had played the role of their home at that time, the girl not even having time to get her homework done properly because of him…the little Jonghyun who back then didn’t know what his family had been going through and wanted to play with his mom and sister all the time.

But he was rich now…He had worked hard to get where he was and bought a big house for his family, he would spent as much money as they’d ask him to just so they could be happy.

But happiness wasn’t something material. He had so much money and what? What could he buy with that money? Love? Health? Happiness? Money can’t buy all these things… And Jonghyun knew it all.

He felt so lonely. Unworthy. Life…just didn’t mean anything all of a sudden. People come and go...and when they’re gone soon after no one remembers them anymore. Relatives, family…they’d mourn you for some time. Then they’d get over the sadness and you’ll be gone forever.

He couldn’t even explain it…So many thoughts were flooding his mind and before he could even start thinking about them properly, his mind would drift to a completely new topic. He had so many reasons to feel sad and at the same time, not even a single one.

Jong took in a deep breath, his breathing shaky, unstable. He wanted to cry and he couldn’t. He simply had these feelings stuck inside him and couldn’t free himself from them. It was frustrating to the point where he even felt angry.

His fist clenched around the sheets of paper, the ends ripping, the paper not useful anymore as it became a ball of scrunched litter.

He threw the ball away, it falling somewhere in the room where he’d later find it and think about what had happened at the moment he had thrown it away.

Hands ran through the dark-blond locks, eyes closed as he slid on the bed, lying on his back, trying not to think about such things anymore.

The room was dark. Of course – he wasn’t a big fan of the daylight and the windows of his rooms were blocked. That only helped his gloomy mood elevate. But if he went out, he’d see how people carelessly went around, being happy for the same reason that made him sad – for nothing, and that would only make him feel worse. Why could he just be happy like everybody else?

Without thinking Jonghyun grabbed his phone from the nightstand beside his bed and started roaming around the menu, not very successful with using the device as a distraction.

Before realizing it, he had dialed a number, the phone pressed against his ear and his mind not even processing his actions. He was like sleepwalking…Only that he was awake. His mind was working on its own it seems, doing what it decided it was best for him while he was too devoured by the feelings, he for once wished he didn’t have.

“Hyung? You just stopped me from getting under the shower.” A laugh echoed from the other side of the line. “Anything wrong? Can I call you back in 15 minutes?”

“Oh…Ok…I’m sorry, Kibum-ah.” Jong apologized and moved the phone away from his ear, ready to end the call, when a voice stopped him.

“Wait!” He heard Kibum’s voice almost shout in the phone, thanks to it, Jonghyun hearing him and putting the phone back to his ear, however, not uttering a word. But Key knew he was there, he could hear his breathing into the phone. “What’s wrong? You don’t sound like yourself.” The diva’s tone changed, from the cheery one to a concerned one.

“What? Oh, I’m OK…it’s really nothing… I guess I’m tired because I haven’t slept at all last night.” The elder tried but Kibum wasn’t buying that. He knew Jong better than to believe his excuses.

“You can trust me hyung…I’ll listen to you and won’t tell anyone…I hear it, something’s wrong. But you don’t want to tell me…Then why did you call?”Kibum sighed, forgetting about his shower in seconds.

“I don’t want to mess up your plans Kibum-ah…Don’t dig into it. I’ll be fine soon…”Jong assured him.

“No, you won’t…But If you don’t want to tell me…then I’m not going to force you.” The diva said. “He stood quiet for a bit, waiting if Jong by any chance decided to change his mind and tell him what was going on but not a word was spoken further. “I’ll be going then, hyung.”He said, his tone somehow unsure.

“OK…thank you…for sparing time to talk to me anyway.”

“Always.”The younger smiled, even though no one was there to see this smile. And after that, the line ended. A goodbye wasn’t said…The conversations was left hanging in the air, unfinished, what Jonghyun wanted to say, was left unspoken, his worries eating him.

But he couldn’t bother Kibum with his groundless worries. He couldn’t ruin his day as well just because he was sad and needed to tell someone about it. No…not Kibum, he wouldn’t pile it on Kibum just so he could feel better.

Kibum on the other hand wouldn’t buy what Jong had told him. He’d be fine by himself? The diva knew well...he wouldn’t get better if someone wasn’t there to hear him out and tell him that everything would be alright. He had kept an eye on the elder…he had had his eyes on him from a very long time.

It was starting to make him feel guilty – how he was hiding his feelings and lying everyone about everything being just a profession-related relationship.

But he couldn’t tell Jonghyun, could he? Knowing how fragile the elder’s soul was, how emotional he tended to be, he just couldn’t give him one more thing to worry about. Because, he knew, if his feelings were not shared, Jong would start feeling guilty about that as well. He’d feel bad, thinking that he had hurt Kibum’s feelings…

How could the diva allow that?

Kim Jonghyun was the person with the purest, most beautiful soul he had ever met. He was like an angel, even though fans thought of him otherwise. Jong tended to care about anyone and anything. Kibum admired his relationship with his family.

But it all happened from aside. It was for the best. Key didn’t want to bother Jonghyun with his feeling.

Now, however, he couldn’t just stand and watch how the elder was struggling alone. He had to do something. It worried him that Jonghyun was probably alone at the moment, thinking about things, he shouldn’t be thinking about.

He took a quick shower to get rid of the stench of sweat that had stuck to his body, caused by the long day spend in the practice room.

With his hair still damp, he didn’t even bother choosing clothes according to the fashion trends. Who’d see him as he’d get into his car and walk out only so he could enter a building?

It took him less than 30 minu