The following chapter has themes that can be considered triggering, please read with caution

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The sky was dark and a few droplets of rain had started to fall. Faint thunder sounded in the distance. A storm was on its way.

Yoongi had called earlier to let me know that he was keeping the store closed today and that I didn’t have to worry about coming in, leaving me with no plans besides staring listlessly out the window. My mind filled with thoughts of Seonjin and the previous night.

After about an hour of being left alone to my thoughts, I decided I couldn’t stand it anymore and had to get out of my suddenly stifling apartment. I grabbed my warm fuzzy red sweater and pulled it over my head as I braved the cold wind swirling the hallways of the 5^th floor.

Outside the building, it was even colder and I had no idea where to go. I walked aimlessly for a while, watching the people that passed me by and making up stories about their lives.

The old woman with the sad eyes had come from the nearby cemetery, visiting her late husband. She felt so lonely, especially with the lack of calls from her children and grandchildren, did they even spare her a thought as they went through their daily routines?

The little girl who was attempting to catch butterflies in the park, so innocent and oblivious to the bad in the world, would run among the beautiful creatures for hours. The colourful fluttering little wings were a distraction from the whisper yelling her parents were doing a mere couple meters away. I imagined that butterflies were her favourite of all creatures and they soothed her when things were tough; she’d study the colours and patterns on their wings and look for the meanings behind them.
Remember, red is strong, just like me.

 

I had felt so optimistic about life, not exactly about life itself but about doing what made you happy and made you feel loved. But now I felt like I had been thrown into the pits of depression. If Seonjin was going to die, what right did I have to live? She is much more worthy than me.

I hadn’t even been watching where I was going; I was just following the path my feet carved out. When I came back to reality long enough to look around, nothing looked even slightly recognizable at all. I had come to a pier and the rain was starting to pick up. I walked to the end and sat down, my legs dangling over the edge, my dark jeans blending into the colour of the water below.

“Jaehwa?” My name sounded foreign, as if it wasn’t my own, but the shy voice was very familiar.

“Chaejin” I pat the space next to me, inviting him to join me. We hadn’t spoken since the last time we had seen each other and he had made an attempt to kiss me. We were quite close (not as close as Yoongi and I but still) and I wasn’t about to let something so insignificant ruin that.

“Why are you out here? It’s raining and it’s a long way away from your place” His voice was small, unsure, and I once again had the urge to mother him, hold him until he felt brave and confident.

“I was just thinking” I stared out at the endless body of water that spread out around us.

“About what? Is everything ok? You can tell me anything, I mean, if you want” I gentle coerced his head into my lap and started caressing his hair absentmindedly. He really was such a kindhearted and caring boy; I knew he cared a lot about me. But I really didn’t want to share my thoughts with him, this was something that was between Jimin, Seonjin and I, and I wanted to keep it that way.

“What’s Gunwoo up to?”
“Gunwoo?” Chaejin looked up at me in surprise, not having expected the comment or the change in topic. “He’s at home, I think”.

“Why aren’t you at home? It’s raining” And it had really started to pour now, our voices barely audible over the loud roaring.

“I could ask you the same question, in fact, I think I did…but honestly, I come out here sometimes when I have a lot on my mind and I need solitude” Now it was my turn to be surprised; Chaejin was such a happy-go-lucky person, the only worries that I’ve ever seen him have were about Gunwoo and I. Looking down at his soft features, soaked from the downpour, I realized that there was so much that I didn’t know about him. He hadn’t seemed it at first but he was just as much of a mystery as Jimin, maybe even more so because I’ve had more of a chance to unravel his mind and solve him yet I still hadn’t.

A shiver ran down my spine. The rain had soaked through my clothes completely; leaving me a freezing cold mess.

“Let’s get out of the rain” He voiced my thoughts as though he had read my mind. “I know a little café near here that has the best hot chocolate”.

 

The small café was empty, aside from a bored looking barista and a lone middle-aged man eating a muffin at a painstakingly slow pace. The lights were dim and the heater was running full blast. I took my sweater off as we sat down in one of the booths towards the back.

“What can I get ya?” She was smacking her gum, looking at us with disinterest.
“Two caramel hot chocolates with the mini marshmallows please” He smiled at her with his childlike innocence, which she completely ignored as she went to make the drinks.

“Do you come here often?” I attempted to make conversation to fill the silence but ended up sounding like I was using a bad pick up line.

Chaejin just giggled nervously and nodded his head, his hair bouncing up and down.

The barista, thankfully, didn’t take too long bringing out our drinks, keeping us from any more awkward small talk. As soon as the drinks were set down, Chaejin picked up the small plastic spoon that accompanied the steaming mug and starting mixing the hot liquid, dissolving the marshmallows.

“It tastes better when the marshmallows are completely melted” He said simply before taking a tentative sip. He let out a sigh of content, obviously happy with the taste of his beverage.
I sat there, just watching him, as if seeing him for the first time. When had he become so mature? I couldn’t even find a trace of the young boy who had, just the other day, cuddled into me for comfort, worried about the state of mine and Gunwoo’s relationship. 

“You haven’t even had any yet, try it” He flashed me his perfect teeth before continuing drinking. I brought the mug up to my lips, taking in a large mouthful and letting the now lukewarm liquid flow down my throat. It tasted nice, very nice, the nicest hot chocolate I had ever had, and I let out a sigh that mirrored Chaejin’s earlier one.

“Good, right?” Now it was him watching me and all of sudden I wanted to cry. I wasn’t completely sure what the cause of the abrupt sadness that consumed me was but suddenly I couldn’t stop the tears that started to flow.

Chaejin’s eyes widened and he almost tipped over his drink as he stood up and slid beside me. He pulled me into him with his thin arms, squeezing me a bit too tight.

“I know it’s delicious but really…” He tried to crack a joke but it just made me cry harder. I buried my face in his chest, trying but failing to stop the nonsensical tears. I found comfort in the warmth that radiated from his small frame and breathed in the scent of the chocolate that enveloped him.

Without warning, Chaejin pulled away from me and stood up, leaving me to fall against the hard chair of the booth.

“G-Gunwoo, what are y-you doing here?” Gunwoo? I looked up to see my dark haired boyfriend walking towards us. He grabbed my wrist roughly and pulled me towards him. He looked furious. About what? I had no clue.

“Gunwoo, what…?” I trailed off as he continued dragging me further away from Chaejin and the cozy café. His tight grip on my wrist stayed as we walked in silence back to his house that, as it just so turned out, wasn’t too far from where we were. I wasn’t sure what was going on, all I knew was that he was absolutely furious, I could almost see the steam blowing out of his ears.

“Gunw--“

“What were you doing with Chaejin? Why was he holding you like that? You two looked awfully cozy” He dropped my wrist and shoved me so that I fell onto the leather sofa with a loud squeak; he stayed standing, staring me down like I was a criminal and he was a police officer interrogating me. The air felt heavy, like a storm was brewing right here inside his little house, and I was anxious about the outcome. It wasn’t like we hadn’t argued before, all couples do, but this time it felt more serious and I doubted it was going to end well.

“I just happened to run into him and it was raining so we went into the café” I was having trouble keeping my breathing steady; I had never seen Gunwoo look so scary, I was truly feeling afraid of him. “We hugged because I was crying and he was trying to comfort me”.

“Comfort you?” He spat the words out with disgust. He leaned into me until his face was a few inches from mine. It made me think back to a few days ago when Jimin had done the same thing at Read Between The Lines. But with Jimin, I hadn’t felt like this, hadn’t felt this fear.

“Just admit you cheated on me, if you admit it, we can get past this” He kept his voice at barely a whisper, his dark eyes piercing me with his gaze.

“I-I didn’t cheat, I would never” I followed his lead and kept my voice low. He grabbed and squeezed my arms tighter and tighter until I let out a yelp of pain.

“So are you going to tell me the truth now?” I felt my cheeks become wet as tears left my eyes and quiet sobs wracked my body.

“I al-already d-did, I honest—“ My words were cut off by the sharp impact of Gunwoo’s hand hitting my cheek. The shock of it stopped the tears from falling. Gunwoo’s hands, the ones that had held me and caressed me, the hands that had only ever been used lovingly, had hurt me, had brought me pain.
It was silent; neither of us said a word. I heard sniffles and looked up to see Gunwoo crying. I felt numb; there wasn’t any more pain, just nothing. He pulled me into his embrace, crying on my shoulder and whispering meaningless apologies in my ear.

I knew Gunwoo wasn’t the best boyfriend in the world, Yoongi reminded me on a daily basis, but I had never expected him to hit me. Everything was spinning and I felt like I was suffocating in Gunwoo’s arms. I stood up, I needed fresh air, I needed to be able to breathe. I didn’t get far before Gunwoo’s hand reached out and gently enveloped my wrist; I flinched at the contact.

“Wait, d-don’t leave m-me” I used to break down any resolve I had whenever I saw Gunwoo cry, but now all I felt was nothing, absolutely nothing. “I-I love y-you”.

I turned around to look him directly in the eye, he looked broken but still my heart felt no sympathy for the man in front of me.

“I love you too” I don’t know why I said it, maybe it was habit or maybe it was the nausea welling up in my stomach and the voice screaming at me to find a way to leave right now. His expression changed to one that held hope and he released my hand, letting it drop back to its place beside me.

As soon as he let go, I ran. I ran as far as I could, not caring where, just as long as it was far away from there. I ran until I couldn’t run anymore, stopping by a small forest in the middle of nowhere. I had tried to outrun my thoughts but I couldn’t. Gunwoo popped back into my mind and I bent over, emptying my stomach of the little contents it had held.

Time became insignificant; I could’ve been sitting there for minutes, hours or days. My phone rang and rang but I didn’t answer, I knew it was probably Gunwoo or maybe Chaejin calling to see how I was after Gunwoo had dragged me off in his fury.

The rain had stopped a long time ago and the world around me had begun to grow dark, twinkling little stars and a large full moon the only source of light.

I love you. I couldn’t stop thinking about the first time Gunwoo and I had exchanged those 3 words. He, quite surprisingly, had been the first one to say it. He had just returned after an unexpected three week ‘holiday’; I never knew where he went, he just left. I felt as if my heart was shattering with just how much I was missing him. He wouldn’t even answer his phone or reply to any text messages I sent. Then out of nowhere he turned up at my apartment, all giggly and filled with stories straight out of an adventure novel.

Lies, they were all lies. Were any of the words that left his mouth true?

After he had finished animatedly explaining his getaway, he lay me down on the soft cushioning of my bed. He looked me in the eye with his piercing gaze and let the three words escape from his lips like a song.

Did he ever mean it when he said those words? Were they lies too? Surely if you loved someone, you would never do anything to hurt them, physically or emotionally. I didn’t want to think anymore, I just wanted to get home.

I picked up my phone and stood up, crunching the leaves that littered the forest floor. As I had expected, I had 14 missed calls from Gunwoo and 3 from Chaejin, there was also one from Jimin too. That was rather curious, I hadn’t the faintest idea what he could be calling me about.

As much as I wanted to be alone right now and cut myself off from all human contact, I couldn’t. I had no clue where I was or how to get home; I needed help.

The phone rang twice before he picked up, his words tumbling out in flustered relief.
“Jaehwa, thank god, are you ok? Did Gunwoo-“

“Chaejin, I don’t know where I am. I want to go home” My voice didn’t sound like my own; it sounded pathetic and stupid, like a child lost in a supermarket.

“Of course, what can you see around you? I’ll find you” At the last three words, tears began to well up in my eyes. I tried my best to explain my surroundings and Chaejin seemed certain in his knowledge of the area, assuring me he knew the forest I was talking about and would be there to get me within 10 minutes.

In fact, it was exactly 7 minutes when I heard his usually meek voice call out my name with a strong determination, a tiny undertone of fear evident. I yelled an incomprehensible reply, no real words were coming out of my mouth but I wanted Chaejin to know where I was. Once he caught sight of me, he ran as fast as his stick thin legs would take him and enveloped me in his too tight embrace.

“Please, please, just don’t say anything. Just take me home” I wasn’t ready to speak about it yet, I hadn’t fully comprehended the situation myself. It had seemed like it had happened in slow motion but now I felt like it had been put on fast-forward. Chaejin lifted me up, holding me like a baby as he strode out of the dark trees and towards a silver car parked by the road.

Was this Chaejin’s car? I didn’t even realize he had a car. I let the question remain in my mind and unanswered, I simply strapped myself in and put all my trust in Chaejin.

The car was decidedly nowhere near as comfortable as Jimin’s. The car was clean and nothing was broken, it still had that new car scent, almost like it had never been driven and I felt like I was going to ruin it just by breathing in it. Everything about it was perfect but it felt fake. Jimin’s car, on the other hand, was perfectly flawed, cozy and cluttered.

“Jaehwa. I know you told me not to speak but I have something to say. This is something I’ve said already but it’s honestly so true and I need you to understand it. Gunwoo doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve him, he treats you like , you don’t need someone like that” He was gripping the steering wheel so tight, his knuckles were turning white. “I wasn’t going to mention this but I feel like now I should. Gunwoo is still seeing Sojin, he saw her on your anniversary and I’m pretty sure, when he goes away on his so-called self-imposed exiles, he goes to her”. I should’ve been surprised or upset but I just wasn’t. Maybe I would be tomorrow when I woke up and realized that all of this was real, it all really happened.

“Chaejin, why do you like me?” He looked momentarily surprised, uncertain about my reaction, probably having expected tears and screaming or denials and insults.    

“Well because you’re Kwon Jaehwa” He said simply after a moment, as if that alone was enough of a reason.

“Kwon Jaehwa is a ing cliché” I didn’t smoke but I suddenly felt like I should have a cigarette in my hand.

“You’re not. You’re so much more complex than that. There are so many things about you that no one, not even I, know about you. I can sense it’s all there, underneath the mask you show the world. I want to remove it and find the real you. You intrigue me, Kwon Jaehwa, and that’s why I like you”

“Are you so sure you’ll like the ‘real’ me, Chaejin?” I watched his fixed expression, trying to catch any slight change.

“Will you like the real me?”