Our downward spiral began then.

After New Years. 

Where the influence of others had tainted the beautiful thing we'd created.

When we had returned to my home, a drive in which you had been silent the entire way, you entered, pulled your shoes off at the bedroom door and, much to my displeasure, sprawled onto the bed with your outside clothes on. 

I had just a few pet peeves, ones that I alerted you on and often looked past when you committed them anyway, but lying down on my bed without having showered or changed into inside clothing was by far the worst one.

And you knew it. 

All too well, you knew it. 

You were doing it to spite me, though I hadn't done anything wrong. 

Or if I had, you hadn't let me know. 

Standing in the doorway, staring at your twisting body, I debated in my mind whether to confront or console you. 

I tried to remember a time where I hadn't had to deal with something like that. 

Where I was perfectly alone, putting all of my time and emotions into myself. Where I wasn't burdened with the issues of others, and how I managed to avoid all of those things by remaining to myself. 

And there I was then, looking at you throw that silent temper tantrum, beginning to wonder what all I had given up to be with you and had it been worth it. 

Now I think, yes. Any and everything had been worth it just to see you. 

But that thought had not dawned on me as a I looked at you that night. 

I was growing bitter with made up regrets. Taking no interest in trying to solve the issue, but rather make you feel the emotions that were welling within me. 

"What's the matter with you?" I scowled as the words left my lips. 

Your head peeked up just shyly, no doubt surprised at my harsh tone.

"Excuse me?" You responded, taking the moment to push yourself upright to face the wall. 

But by this time, I didn't care about how you felt towards my tone of voice. 

I wanted nothing more than to pull you into my own personal hell. That torturing feeling of losing myself to you. 

Of feeling so overwhelmed by your burdens because...I...I loved you.

And I couldn't take it.

"You heard me. Get off the bed, you know how I feel about that."

Your neck snapped to look at me. 

Those daggers for eyes burned holes into my soft skin.

I hadn't cared.

"Really Kibum? That's the issue right now? Me? On the bed?"

"It's one of the issues, yes." 

You shook your head and laughed.

"Everything that happened, seriously?"

"We didn't have anything to do with what happened," I replied coldy.

"We didn't? Taemin's your best friend. You mean to tell me he didn't tell you he was moving to London? And you just so happened to not know that he hadn't even said anything to Naeun, nor did he plan to take her with him?"

"That's none of my business!"

"But it's wrong Kibum! Don't you see that? People get hurt! You saw a train coming and didn't warn Naeun to jump off the tracks. Didn't warn me. What's up with that? You couldn't tell me?"

"You...you just don't...you don't know anything." I was scrambling for arguments at this point. Hurting you wasn't working in the way that I had seen it in my head. 

You weren't feeling what I was feeling. Not at all. 

And that angered me even more.

Though your voice seemed more patient with every passing second. 

You took deep breaths, doing exactly what I should have done in that moment, recollecting. Problem solving.

But I couldn't. 

Not until I had gotten all of this off of my chest.

"Key, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you knew everything. You may have not. Either way, no points are going to get across if we don't calmly address this."

"You're still on the bed."

"What?" You looked at me, eyes widening like saucers.

"You're...still...on...the...bed. Get off."

"Key!"

"Get off!" I yelled, hearing my voice reverberate the tile beneath me.

"You've really lost it." You shook your head and slid off of the bed. "There, you happy now?"

"No. I'm not. I'm not...happy." 

I turned away from your gaping stare. 

I could feel it then. 

Your tears burning your eyes.

Your voice being caught inside your throat. 

And still then, I had no remorse.

"In fact this whole thing reminds me of how miserable I am. I didn't have these issues on my own. Didn't have to deal with spoiled brats who challenged my integrity, tested my patience."

"Oh, oh, so now I don't make you happy?" Your steps were slow towards me; each one pleading that my words were untrue.

And they were, they were lies. 

It was the confusion speaking. The fear of admitting I'd become completely stuck on you.

But God, why the hell couldn't I stop?

"You make me a lot of things, happy isn't one of them. What have you offered me? How have I improved? What has this done for me?"

"What has this done? Wh-where is this even coming from?"

"Can you answer those questions? Can you answer me?"

You paused. 

Words. Steps. You stopped. 

Your face held an expression, one that I remember to this day.

One that, upon reminiscing, made me grimace. 

"I can't answer that. If I was ever able to, I can't now. I don't even know who's speaking to me at this point. I-I thought you were happy. All along, I thought you were happy. But now, the truth emerges."

"You damn right it has. So how about more truth?"

"Key-," You tried to stop me. You knew better than I did that if I decided to continue, I would say things that I wouldn't be able to come back from.

You were right.

"No, don't silence me. Truth, honesty. That's what you want right? Since you think I'm a dishonest person. Let me be extremely, undoubtfully, brutally, honest Eunji. Once again, let me bend over backwards and be the person you want me to be."

"Key please, I don't..."

"You said a moment ago you didn't know who you're speaking to at this point. Well see, now we have something in common. Because I," I pressed my index finger into my chest, "I don't know who the hell this is speaking to you right now. I'm not who I am. I'm not who I was. And who I used to be, would never have allowed someone to talk to me so callously. Do things that I didn't like intentionally. Force me to eat and drink things I don't like. Get upset at me for choosing or not choosing to meddle in other people's affairs. I just, I'm not me. And I'm not me because of you!"

You stood there, merely five inches from me, staring at me with eyes that had already begun to release tears.

And I felt it then. The feeling I wish now I would have felt before I had began my rant. 

The feeling that would have allowed me to stop. Breathe, Recollect. Problem solve. 

But it was too late. 

The damage was done. 

"I'm sorry that I've been nothing but a drag to you. I'm going to go now."

You walked past me then, not saying anything else. 

I wanted to stop you from leaving.

Tell you then that I had messed up. 

But I knew it wouldn't have mattered. 

I had long since lost my opportunity to console you. 

Regretfully, I chose to watch you walk out of my door.

To leave things unsolved and changed forever.