Day 3:

Pretending is not going to help anything.

Changing my life is not going to help either.

I can't even give love those who love me.

Because the one I truly love is you.

I'm sorry I hid it.

It's my fault. 

30/11/2015:

Byung didn’t even care anymore. It’s been a week since he saw his hyung, or even spoke to him. He doesn’t need me, he has someone better. Why didn’t he told me earlier? Why would he hide it like that? Why would he only tell me when he got drunk? This questions danced around Byung’s mind as he walked through the busy street, music on his ears, sunglasses on and a big cosy grey coat over him.

And to make it worst, Chanhee was so drunk he couldn’t remember what happened that night. It was like he never told him, and Byung wasn’t going to mention it around him.

If he ever gets around him anymore. He’s been avoiding the older’s calls and messages, pretending he’s not home when he hears a soft knock on the door and a lovely voice saying his name from the outside. Oh, how he loves his voice. Oh, how he loves his name being called by Chanhee. Oh, how he hates he’s not the person he loves.

And that’s what makes him stay up all night. Watching TV, even though he doesn’t remember half of the shows, the only light lit on is the one on his bedside table, curtains opened to the maximum as he stares at the stars, smoking a cigarette every 10 mins, filling the room with filthy grey fog.

But he doesn’t care. In fact, Byung hates that he’s still alive. 10 years hiding his true feelings, and when he’s finally slowly giving in, the love of his life is stolen. Is there another reason to live? He doesn’t think so.

And so, even after all, he doesn’t want to be with anyone. Before, he’d get a girl for each night, or even two, just to play around a bit. But now, he wants to be alone. He hides his dark circles behind his sunglasses, his sadness behind a smile.

Day 3:

I didn't want this.

I wanted you.

But I couldn't.

I was selfish. I was an idiot.

Please forgive me.

5/12/2015:

It’s been two weeks. How am I hanging on? I don’t even know.

Byung is laying around lazily, a faint sound coming from the busy streets outside, another faint sound coming from his TV. And there’s another sound he hears, this time getting closer to his door.

Chanhee stopped knocking at his door since 5 days ago. Maybe he gave up? He has better things to do than caring about a stupid guy like me. The younger couldn’t refrain from having this depressing thoughts. His whole life was built around this man, how is he going to do from now on? How is he even going to show up at his weeding? He can’t, but what excuse would he give? It’s his best friend, but it’s also the person he loves. Byung couldn’t bear seeing him kissing another person.

He slowly got up and walked to the door. He’s heard footsteps just seconds ago, but it stopped. Byung decided to look through the peep hole, to find a figure standing right in front of his door. It was Chanhee. He looked worried, shaking his head as if he was trying to prepare a speech.

The younger sighed softly and decide to open the door. He could pretend he was about to go out, just in case.

“Oh..? Hyung, what are you doing here?”

“A-Ah… Byung-ah… Where were you these past weeks?! I was worried you know?!” The older looked at Byung with a heartbroken look on his eyes, which made the insides of the younger burn a little. He loved how Chanhee was always happy around him, so he hated when his hyung was feeling sad.

“Ah… Sorry…” Byung simply answered, lowering his head. He didn’t want to tell him he’s been avoiding him.

“It’s okay… W-Where you going to leave? I-I have something to tell you…” Chanhee pursed his lips together and looked down, as if he was embarrassed of something.

“Nah, it’s okay. Come in.” The younger turned around, his heartbeat racing at each step as he knew what Chanhee had to tell him.

Chanhee closed the door and slowly walked towards the living room, standing there for a couple of seconds before Byung invited him to sit down. As he was sitting down, he noticed Byung’s garbage can filled with empty packs of cigarettes and two ashtrays on the table.

“Did you start smoking again….?” He asked.

Byung cursed himself inside his head. It wasn’t like he was hiding it from him, he just didn’t want to tell him why he’s started smoking again. “Oh, yeah, I started smoking