I, Lee Minyoung, was never the type to ask for much in my twenty-one years of existence. All I ever wanted was to go by life without having to force a single smile. Without having to act as if everything was okay. Without regrets. Without pity. Without hate. Without burdens. Without worry. Without lies. Without.

I wanted to take the days for what they were. Appreciate the time instead of counting it down like I was waiting to see when it would catch up to me and finally end because I was being suffocated by it. So slowly. So torturously. Every waking moment served as a painful reminder. My God was I in so much pain. Everything hurt.

I wanted to feel things freely without having to constantly second guess myself, immediately resulting in feeling nothing but guilt or indebted. Responsible. If I wanted to be sad, I should be. If I wanted to be angry, I should be. Happy. Childish. As tedious as it seemed, those were the types of things I yearned for. To act my age and not seem like I had long passed it. I should be able to do those things. Right?

But I knew I couldn't because when things went wrong, I had to wear a mask. I had to assure people I was okay. Assure my parents that I would be fine. Relieve their troubled hearts by making them believe that I was strong. To make sure my friends weren't suspicious about my secrets. My lifestyle. My vices. That I wasn't as ed up and broken as I actually was. I couldn't give the people that I loved a reason to worry. There was no point.

Eventually, even I got used to wearing that mask and the lies — the make-believe — it all came second-nature. 

Now every day I force a smile and act as if everything's okay. That I was happy. Even when I wasn't. Because I eventually learned that it was more for myself than anyone else.  I became selfish. I latched onto that mask like a lifeline. As if I were hanging for dear life. And I feared that the day I didn't hold up that mask—the day those walls came crumbling down — that I would be destroyed from the inside out. That all of my fears would come true. That I would break down. I