Chapter 6 - A Fool's Only Tears

Morning came way too early. I sat up in my bed, bewildered about the dream I had. In the dream, I was running after G Dragon. His back was all I ever saw and no matter how loud I yelled or how fast I ran, I couldn't get his attention or catch up to him. As G Dragon faded into the shadows ahead, TOP came into my view. I stopped dead in my tracks. He said something I couldn't hear. I called out to him and he smiled warmly at me. I tried to shake off the strangeness of the dream.

I climbed down off of the top bunk and quietly got ready for work. I chose a warm red sweater and a pair of skinny jeans. I stepped into a pair of black knee high boots and pulled my hair up into a pony tail. I fixed my make up and headed out the door.

By the time I got to the YG office, it was ten to six, so I made a pit stop at the cafeteria for a coffee. Taeyang and Seungri were sitting at one of the tables. "Hey! Song Ha Na!" Seungri called out, "Come sit with us!"

It was still surreal to see the members of Bigbang wherever I seemed to go. Being starstruck had worn off by now and I was beginning to see them as average guys. I supposed most of their fans would die for an opportunity like this, so I tried to remain humble about my luck.

"Hey guys." I slid into a chair across from Seungri and Taeyang. "You guys seem bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning."

"Do we?" Taeyang smiled. "We haven't been to sleep yet since last night!"

"I don't know how you do it." I said after taking a sip of my coffee.

"We don't either!" Seungri laughed.

"Seungri is so hyper all the time it's a wonder he ever sleeps." Taeyang teased.

"Hyung!" Seungri feigned hurt feelings.

"His energy ends up wearing off on us. Perhaps he was a cup of coffee in his past life." Taeyang winked at me and I joined both of them in laughing.

We continued on with our conversation when G Dragon walked in with TOP and Daesung following closely behind. TOP's eyes met mine and then he quickly averted them. "You guys ready to go?" G Dragon asked. We all got up from the table and headed to the garage. There were two large black vans and the rest of the managers waiting at the door. TOP looked down at me and said in a voice so low only I could hear, "It's my lucky day. You don't get to drive." I curled my lip at him and folded my arms. He knew exactly which of my buttons to push.

G Dragon, Daesung and TOP went in one van and Seungri and Taeyang in the other. Everyone climbed in. G Dragon and Daesung's managers sat in the front seat. Daesung and TOP sat in the back, and G Dragon and I sat in the middle seats. As the van headed out of the garage, I scrolled through my phone's calendar to check today's events. Album photo shoot first, then the boys would split with Daesung and Seungri going to a variety show. Taeyang and G Dragon would return to the studio and TOP and I would head for a commercial filming. I stared at the calendar trying to figure out where I would fit in time for song writing. I'd have to work late tonight at the studio once we returned.

The photo shoot was much like yesterday's except that all five members were present. I pulled a pen and paper out of my purse and jotted down guidelines for my song. I was so preoccupied with managing that my muse was hibernating. It was frustrating. I heard commotion from the set and looked up to see the boys laughing while TOP performed the silliest dance I had ever seen. All Bigbang fans knew about "Choom" TOP, but this was my first time seeing it in person.

"Hyung!" Seungri called to TOP, "Show them your moves from the other day!" TOP obliged and he shimmied around the set with his arms flailing about. Seungri doubled over in laughter. I couldn't help but laugh as well. TOP heard me laugh and quickly composed himself. His smiling face turned neutral and I felt disappointed. For a moment, I saw the TOP I knew before I came to YG. What happened that he felt he had to repress that side of him around me? My heart dropped and I almost wanted to cry. It seemed like my very existence was repulsive to him and I didn't know why. I couldn't ask to be replaced as his manager, but it wasn't just annoying anymore. It was actually painful. I began to scribble in my notepad.

I'm looking at him, getting farther away

He becomes a small dot and then disappears

Will this go away after time passes?

I remember the old times

I remember you

I stared at the lyrics. It seemed to sum up how I felt. He wasn't the TOP I had expected. The TOP I thought I knew disappeared. I wondered if things would get better with time.

"What are you writing?" G Dragon sat beside me with a coffee in each hand. He gave one to me.

"Thank you," I tried to smile, "Teddy wants me to write a song by the end of the week. I'm trying to find inspiration when I can."

"Can I see?" He asked with curious eyes.

"Sure. But it's just a single verse, and probably not that good." I felt embarrassed.

"Hmm..." he murmured as he read the five lines. "This seems like a love song."

I chuckled, "Does it?"

"Well, isn't it?"

"I guess it could be one, but right now that's not my inspiration."

"I wonder what...or who...inspired you."

I placed a finger to my lips and winked. "We may never know." He and I laughed and continued to carry on small talk until the photo director ended the break.

"Playtime is over." He patted me on the shoulder and I waved. I saw TOP staring at me with a scowl on his face. G Dragon gave him a gentle nudge and TOP replied by shifting his dirty look to G Dragon and walking to the far end of the set. G Dragon turned to look at me. I just shrugged. I kept my face neutral and left the room. All of this was beginning to drain me. Taeyang's manager was standing in the hallway staring at his phone. I apologized for the interruption but asked that he relay a message. I was going to the van to work on Teddy's assignment. Taeyang's manager gave me a nod and I left the building. Once I got into the empty van, I found myself crying. I felt stupid and foolish. What had I done to deserve this? This wasn't the internship I had imagined.