You sat with Taekwoon in the doctor's office, answering endless questions and not reaching any conclusion.

“Did you get into any kind of an accident?”

The doctor asked and you shook your head ‘no,’ again and again. You couldn’t remember anything, so how could you remember whether you had hit your head or not, whether you had gotten into an accident or not? This is pointless, you thought to yourself. But Taekwoon wanted to continue answering all the possible questions that could lead the doctor to answers about your case. After almost an hour spent in complete vain, you stood up and said:

“I don’t think there is a solution. Thank you for your time, doctor.”

Before any of them could say anything, you opened the door and left. Taekwoon apologized to the doctor.

"She's just tired. I'll try bringing her another day."

The doctor placed his hand on Taekwoon's shoulder as he said:

“I’m sorry. I don’t seem to understand how it happened. Has she been through any stress lately? Any little incident could be the reason.”

Taekwoon shook his head 'no'.

“She gave birth to our fifth child a couple of months ago and she was fine for as long as I can remember. She didn’t even suffer from postpartum depression or anything.”

The doctor thought for a second before saying,

“I have one last thing you could try with her. Show her pictures and videos of everything you shared together, try to tell her about events you’ve been through together. This might work.”

"I will. Thank you for your time."

You sat in your bedroom, staring silently at the floor under your feet. You had asked Taekwoon to leave you alone. He tried to stay with you but you begged him to leave, not knowing how to feel about the whole situation. He had to leave you for a while to take care of the kids’ lunch. You heard them arrive from school half an hour later and were almost thrown away in shock when they ran into your room and clung to your legs and arms while screaming in joy. Apparently, this was the daily routine. They’d arrive from school, place their bags in their room and then run to you to talk to you about their day while Taekwoon took care of lunch. You felt dazed at the number of names, places and events they narrated all in one go but you didn’t say anything. You listened to Hakyeon telling you about Eunji while fighting the urge to ask ‘Eunji who?’ Jaehwan was trying to show you some animal imitations he learned in school but he looked disappointed when you couldn’t guess any so you had to ask him to do it again and answered them all correctly with Hakyeon’s help. Hongbin and Wonsik were trying to debate whether a chocolate cake or a strawberry cake was the better option for their upcoming birthday. You stared at them fighting while Hakyeon wrapped his arms around your arm and rested his head on your shoulder, enjoying the scene. Jaehwan interrupted their argument with his pterodactyl screams which caused Wonsik to roll on the floor, laughing.

You never liked being around kids, especially noisy kids. But something about them always drew a smile on your face. You listened to their stories intently when they repeated them to Taekwoon over lunch. Wonsik and Hongbin were still arguing about the cake when Taekwoon said:

“You need to decide on one flavor. We’re getting one cake only.”

Hakyeon, upon seeing tears forming in his brothers’ eyes, asked:

“Why? We always get two cakes!”

Taekwoon took his time forming an answer, as if looking for the right words to say:

“Because… because cakes are full of sugar and they’re not good for your teeth.”

“But I brush my teeth three times a day!”

Wonsik cried.

“Me too!”

Hongbin followed.

“I said we’re getting one cake and that’s final!”

Taekwoon almost yelled before leaving the dining table and going to the bedroom. The boys were startled by the sudden change in the atmosphere. You too were taken aback by Taekwoon's unnecessary disapproval of the cakes. You looked at the kids apologetically before saying:

“I’ll talk to him. We’ll get you your cakes, don’t worry.”

You ruffled Hongbin’s hair and then placed a kiss on Wonsik’s cheek before following Taekwoon. You found him sitting on the edge of the bed, his head between his hands. You sat next to him and placed a shaking hand on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

He lifted his head up and looked at you as he said:

“I didn’t get the job.”

You let out an ‘oh’ before whispering:

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. I don’t know what to do anymore. We still haven’t paid the rent, Hongbin needs a costume for the school play, Hakyeon needs a new backpack, and now this birthday. ”

You placed your hand on his shoulder as you said:

"We'll come up with something. When is their birthday?”

He let out a sigh and thought for a second.

“In two weeks and until then I don't think I can afford cakes or a party."

Wonsik ran to where Hakyeon was sitting.

“What does ‘afford’ mean?”

Hakyeon tilted his head to the side as he stared at his brother for a second before saying:

“It means we don’t have money for it.”

Taekwoon left the room and walked toward the kid's room when he heard Sanghyuk’s cries. He found Hakyeon rocking the baby's crib. Ruffling Hakyeon's hair, he said:

"I'll take care of him now. Thank you for your help."

Hakyeon smiled as he moved aside, allowing his father to pick up Sanghyuk and change his diaper while he prepared his milk.

Wonsik knocked on the door of the bedroom and opened it when he heard you calling him in. He hesitated for a second before walking up to you. You involuntarily opened your arms for him and he climbed the bed and sat down next to you. You took him on your lap and smiled at him. He thought for a second and then said:

"I… Hongbin likes strawberry, so can we get a strawberry cake for our birthday? I can get my chocolate cake next year.”

You heart skipped a beat when you realized what Wonsik was trying to do. A part of you was happy that you managed to raise your kids gracefully. They loved each other to the extent they were willing to sacrifice their simplest wishes for each other. Tears welled up in your eyes and he lifted his hand and touched your cheek as he said:

"It's okay. I like strawberry too."

You hugged him tightly and he wrapped his arms around your neck.

“We’ll get you two cakes like we always do. I promise.”

“A job?”

Yoongi exclaimed.

“Yes. Something I can do at home.”

You said, looking at Yoongi and hoping he’d give you a quick solution so you can go home before the kids are back from school. You have already spoken to Taekwoon about it and he was completely against it. He said he didn’t need you to help him support the family and you didn’t want to argue with him and instead left the house after he and the kids left for school and took off toward the studio, knowing Taekwoon won't be back until the end of the school day.

“I can’t think of anything right now, but I promise I’ll ask around and call you as soon as I find one.”

“I need it as soon as possible.”

He hesitated for a second before asking:

“Do you need money? I-”

“No, no.”

You interrupted him.

“I feel bored at home. I just need to busy myself with something.”

You lied. You weren't going to hold a birthday party for your kids with borrowed money. You needed to work for this money to make yourself feel worth of being called their mother.

“You know you can always come to me if you need anything.”

He said as he placed a hand on your shoulder. You gave him a smile and a nod before thanking him and leaving the studio. He promised to find you a job within a couple of days and you had no options but to wait for his call.

You walked into the empty apartment and looked at your watch. I still have time, you thought to yourself as you walked into your room and opened the cupboard. You looked through the clothes hanging and wondered if you could find something you can sell. You noticed a dress bag hanging at the very end. You took it out, placing it on the bed before pulling the zipper down. The white fabric left you in awe. Is this my wedding dress? It couldn’t be anything else. You let your hand run down the tulle before taking the dress out of the bag. You were busy admiring it so you didn’t hear the kids get into the house and run toward their room. Taekwoon knocked the door lightly before opening it. He saw you staring at the dress without paying him any attention so he walked up to you and back hugged you causing you to jump in your place.

“When did you arrive?”

You asked as you turned around to look at him.

“A second ago.”

His breath tickled your neck and you pulled out of the hug as you asked him:

“Is this my wedding dress?”

He backed away slightly upon noticing how awkward you still felt around him. He nodded before saying:

“You looked like a princess in it. The most beautiful princess.”

You felt a blush creeping into your face at his words. A smile crept into his lips as he suggested:

“Do you want to look at the wedding album after lunch?”

“Wedding… album?”

“Yes. I don’t know why I haven’t showed it to you yet! I’ll go make lunch and then we can look at it.”

He said as he took his jacket off and proceeded to unbuckle his belt. You looked away in embarrassment when you saw him pulling the zipper down. He seemed flustered when he realized you were avoiding looking at him.

“I… I’m sorry! I… I always change here and…”

“I’ll go check on the kids.”

You left the room hurriedly and closed the door behind you. You were still blushing and your heart was pounding in your chest. Taekwoon is now your husband but you still didn’t know how to adjust to that. To you, he was still the guy you met two days ago but to him you’re the woman he married 12 years ago. He still slept in the kids room not to bother you but sometimes he’d touch your or lean into you unconsciously. You could see hurt on his face when you’d pull away or seem bothered by his touches but you didn’t do it on purpose. I just need more time, you thought to yourself as you walked toward the kids’ room.

“I have a job interview later. I think it’ll go well this time.”

Taekwoon said as he sat at the dining table with you and the kids.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

You said, trying to cheer him up. He looked at you and gave you a smile and you could feel your cheeks heat up again. Taekwoon was undeniably handsome; you’ve noticed that the first time you saw him. He looked even more handsome when he smiled and you could feel butterflies unleash in your tummy every time his smile was directed to you. The wrinkles around his eyes and lips added poise and charm to his already handsome features.

Hongbin asked, interrupting your little trail of thoughts:

“Daddy, the teacher said I need to buy the… Wonsik, what is it called?”

Wonsik giggled as he said:

“A tutu. It’s called a tutu.”

“Ah yes. I need to buy the tutu today.”

You asked:

“What do you need a tutu for?”

“For the school play! Did you forget?”

Hongbin exclaimed. You swallowed hard and exchanged looks with Taekwoon as you said:

“Oh… no no I didn’t forget.”

“I’ll give mommy money so she can take you to buy it today.”

Taekwoon interfered, trying to save you from this awkward situation. He then turned to look at you

“Can you?”

You hesitated for a second, but Hongbin's puppy eyes urged you to say:

“Sure.”

Taekwoon's lips lifted up in a content smile as he said:

“I’ll drop you at the shopping mall and then pick you up after the interview.”

Taekwoon walked into the room and cleared his throat when he saw you putting a shirt on. You hid behind the cupboard’s door, buttoning up your shirt.

“I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m done. Are we going now?”

You said as you came from behind the door. Taekwoon hesitated for a second as he fiddled with his fingers.

“I… is it okay if you take a taxi? The company called me and said I have to go there as soon as I can.”

“Sure! Just tell me the name of the shopping mall and… and give me the apartment’s address. I’ll take care of the rest.”

He looked at you apologetically as he said:

“I’ll pick you up when I’m done. I’m sorry; I know I promised to take you but…”

“It’s okay! Don’t worry about it.”

You walked out of the room looking for Hongbin. Taekwoon followed you as he said:

“Jaehwan said he wants to go too. There is a playground inside the shopping mall. You can leave him there and pick him up when you’re done shopping.”

“Is it safe?”

“Yes, don’t worry, it’s safe.”

He then took his wallet out and handed you some money.

“This is for the tutu and the taxi, and…"

He paused for a second and then added:

"Why don’t you buy yourself a new dress or something? Anything you want.”

You stared at the money for a couple of seconds and then looked up at him as you asked:

“Who said anything about a dress?”

He scratched the back of his head in embarrassment and then said:

“You haven’t gotten yourself anything in a while… I’m sorry I haven’t been able to…”

“Did I complain?”

You interrupted him and he shook his head ‘no’ so you said:

“Then keep the money and go to your interview. You’ll buy me a dress when you get your first salary.”

He smiled at you and then leaned forward and pecked your cheek before saying:

“I will. I promise.”

Your cheeks turned a bright shade of red as you bit your lower lip and averted your eyes away from him. He giggled and then called Hakyeon. He ruffled the boy's hair as he said:

"We won't take long. I need you to look after your brothers until we're back. Okay?"

Hakyeon nodded and Taekwoon patted his shoulder before turning to look at you.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes. Let's go."

You held Hongbin’s and Jaehwan’s hands tightly as you crossed the street walking toward the shopping mall. You weren’t yet comfortable with going out with them alone but you had to help Taekwoon a bit for everything he’s doing. You didn’t realize how tight you were holding their hands until Jaehwan started wiggling and whining.

“Mommy, my hand hurts!”

You loosened your grip around his hand and apologized before noticing the playground’s sign and sighing in relief. He got very excited the closer you walked toward the playground and you were almost running as he pulled your hand and ran toward the gate.

“Are you sure…”

You asked him again as you let go of his hand. You were still worried whether it was okay to leave him here on his own.

“Yes yes I am sure. Now go!”

The security guard at the gate assured you that kids aren’t allowed to leave without their parents and you could finally turn around and leave. Hongbin was still holding your hand as you walked around the shopping mall and finally coming across one that sells tutus for kids. You could see excitement on his face when you asked the salesperson for a tutu to try. You entered the fitting room with him and you suddenly felt nervous. He waited for you to help him put the tutu on and you had no idea what to do. After a few seconds of waiting, he ped his pants and pulled them down only to get them stuck around his ankles. You chuckled when you saw him struggling to take his pants off without taking his shoes off first.

“Sit down.”

You helped him take his shoes off and then slid his pants down his legs before helping him put the tutu on. You smiled at him as he turned around himself a couple of times to see the tutu in the mirror.

“Do you like it?”

You asked as you looked at him.

“Yes Yes. Can we buy it, please?”

You giggled.

“Sure! Let’s change first.”

“Do I have to change?”

He gave you a heart melting pout and you fought the urge to smile as you said:

“Yes. You need to keep it clean until the play. Now let's go pay for it."

“Are you happy now?”

You looked at Hongbin holding the shopping bag and swaying it with a happy grin on his face.

“Yes. Thank you mommy!”

You smiled back at him before holding his hand and walking toward the playground to pick Jaehwan. You called Taekwoon and told him that you were almost done. He said he’s already parking in front of the shopping mall and that he’ll meet you at the playground.

“Jaehwan!”

You yelled when you saw Jaehwan push a boy around his age to the floor while a girl stood by them, crying. You immediately assumed that he was the reason behind the girl's cries. You ran in his direction and pulled him by the arm.

“What have you done?”

He stared at you for a second before crying. You saw the girl’s mother running toward you before kneeling down next to her crying daughter.

“I’m very sorry. He isn’t usually like this. Apologize to the girl!”

You yelled at him again and his crying became louder. You ignored him as you patted the girl’s back gently until she stopped crying. When she did, she looked at her mother and then said as she pointed at the other boy:

“Sungjae hit me!”

What?

You suddenly realized what you’ve done. When you looked around to apologize to Jaehwan, who apparently was merely defending the girl, you didn’t find him. You freaked out. He's gone! You ran in the direction of the nearest security guard but he said he didn’t see him.

What made things worse was Taekwoon running in your direction.

“What happened? Where is Jaehwan?”

You stared at him for a couple of seconds, not knowing what to say. You stuttered:

“I… He…”

“Where is he?”

He yelled.

“Mommy yelled at him and he ran way.”

Hongbin answered him and he asked in shock:

“What?”

He then turned to look at you. He looked furious.

“Stay here! And don’t let go of Hongbin!”

After almost an hour of running around the shopping mall and getting the help from the security guards around, Taekwoon was finally able to find Jaehwan. He found him hiding in a corner, head between his knees crying. He kneeled down next to him and ruffled his hair causing the boy to look up at him. His heart sunk when he saw the tears running down his son’s face. He pulled the boy in his arms and patted his back.

“I didn’t do anything!”

“I know baby I know.”

You watched them with tears in your eyes and a pain in your chest. This was your first time taking them out and you screwed up. You held Hongbin's hand in yours and stood a few steps away from them, watching them in silence. Jaehwan's eyes fell on you as you struggled to keep your tears tucked in. He pulled out of Taekwoon’s arms and ran in your direction. Tears escaped and ran down your cheeks as you knelt down and took him in your arms. You didn’t expect him to forgive you this fast. He wrapped his arms around your neck and you hugged him tightly, his hair and back as you both cried in each other's arms.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I yelled at you.”

You could feel his tears wetting your shirt, so you tightened your hold around his body. Looking up at Taekwoon, you said:

“I’m so sorry!”

He placed a hand on your shoulder as he said:

“It’s okay. He’s here now.”

He then carried Hongbin and thanked the security guard for his help before nudging your shoulder. You pulled out of the hug, wiped Jaehwan's tears with your hands before holding his tightly in yours and walking with Taekwoon toward his car.

After dinner, you helped Taekwoon put the kids to sleep. He was still not talking to you. Even when you tried helping him with dinner and washing the dishes afterwards, he didn’t even look in your direction. You knew he was still mad at you for having lost Jaehwan earlier at the shopping mall. You didn’t know what to do to make him talk to you, especially when he still slept in the kids’ room. You felt sorry for him having to squeeze his body next to the twins. As much as you wanted him to sleep in his bed after all the work he does inside and outside the house, you weren’t yet ready for a normal marital relationship with him.

You got off bed when you couldn’t sleep and walked into the empty living room and toward the kitchen. You opened the cupboards looking for tea or coffee to drink but then you changed your mind and poured yourself a glass of water. Turning to go back to your room, you glanced in the direction of the kids’ room and decided to check on them before sleeping. You opened the door slightly and noticed Jaehwan sleeping upside down with his feet almost touching Hakyeon’s face. You entered the room and tiptoed your way in his direction before sitting on the floor next to his side of the bed. You his face gently as you whispered:

“I’m so sorry I yelled at you.”

You leaned in and pecked his temple before standing up and trying to fix his sleeping position. He was heavier than you thought and you were left panting after carrying him and placing him back next to Hakyeon. You then walked up toward Sanghyuk’s crib and smiled when you saw him holding Hakyeon’s finger like he always does. You pulled the comforter over his body and then walked up to the twins’ bed. You put the comforter over Taekwoon’s body and left the room after taking one final glance at them all sleeping soundly next to each other.

The following morning, you woke up to Hongbin kissing your cheek. You opened your eyes to see him wearing the tutu and jumping on bed. Taekwoon walked into the room and carried him off bed, placing him on the floor. Hongbin was still jumping in joy when you sat up in bed and stared at him for a couple of seconds before saying:

“Why are you wearing it now?”

“I will wear it to school.”

“What? No. Go wear your uniform. We’ll be late.”

Taekwoon said and Hongbin pouted as he left the room and went back to his room to change. He then turned to look at you:

“Did you sleep well?”

You didn’t expect him to talk to you since he was completely ignoring you yesterday.

“So now you’re talking to me?”

You found yourself saying. You knew it was your fault yelling at Jaehwan and causing him to run away in the crowded mall, but you hated that he ignored you instead of talking to you about what happened. He was taken aback by what you said and you were suddenly starting to feel guilty.

“I’m sorry.”

You both said at the same time. Your eyes widened in surprise but you immediately said, not giving him the chance to interrupt:

“I’m so sorry. I… I shouldn’t have yelled at him. I should’ve listened to him but I… I am just…”

“I know.”

You looked up at him and he said:

“I know you’re still having a hard time coping with everything going on around you but I want to help you remember. I want to help you come back to us. I know I promised to show you our wedding album but I didn’t have enough time to do so.”

He paused for a second and then continued:

“I’ll drop the kids to school and then come back and show it to you, is that okay with you?”

You nodded.

“I’ll wait for you.”

He smiled at you and left the room. A second later you left your room looking for Jaehwan. You found him putting his shoes on and getting ready to leave the apartment so you called his name. He looked up at you and ran in your direction before throwing himself into your arms. You hugged him tightly before pulling out of the hug and asking:

“Are you still mad at mommy?”

He shook his head ‘no.’

“I’m so sorry.”

You said.

“It’s okay. I still love you.”

You giggled as he hugged you again before running to leave with his brothers. You waved at them as they left the apartment and closed the door behind them.

It took Taekwoon an hour or so to drop the kids to school and come back home. He entered the apartment and you instantly felt a spasm of nervousness run through your body. This was the first time the two of you were alone as in completely alone.

“Hey!”

He said as he sat down on the couch next to you. He placed an arm around your shoulder and you did your best not to flinch or back away from him. He stared at you for a couple of seconds before saying:

“Hongbin didn’t stop talking about the tutu all the way to school. Wonsik had to tickle him to make him stop.”

You laughed when you imagined Wonsik tickling Hongbin to force him to stop talking and the chaos they might have caused in the backseat.

“He seems to like it a lot. He wanted to wear it on the way home.”

You said, remembering how you struggled to convince him to keep it inside the bag on the way home.

“Wonsik might ask for one too. We usually buy them identical clothes and shoes so we might have to buy him a tutu even if his role in the play doesn’t require one.”

He said with a smile on his face and you smiled back. There were so many things about this family that you need to know, things you need to re-learn, but the one thing you already knew was that they loved you and they loved each other more than anything else.

“I think I’ll buy it on their birthday. You know, as a birthday gift.”

Taekwoon said, interrupting your thoughts. You recalled what the twins asked for their birthdays.

“But he said he wanted a bicycle.”

Taekwoon frowned as he tried to remember Wonsik saying that.

“When did he say that?”

“Hongbin told me. He said he wants a scooter and Wonsik wants a bicycle.”

Taekwoon let out a sigh and then said:

“But I won’t be able to buy anything until the end of this month.”

“You don’t have to worry about it. I checked the prices and they’re not that expensive. I’ll take care of it.”

He tilted his head to the side as he stared at you, confusion all over his face.

“What do you mean?”

“I asked Yoongin to help me find a job.”

You blurted out and you could see his eyes widen in surprise. You haven’t told him about your second visit to the studio yet.

“Did you go to the studio again? When? And why didn’t you tell me?”

He seemed bothered by this visit and by the fact that you haven't told him about it yet.

“I am just trying to help.”

You said, explaining the reasons behind your visit.

“I never asked for help.”

“When were you going to?”

He stared at you, so you added:

“I know I can’t remember anything but I can’t see the kids living like this! I can’t see them asking for things and not getting what they want because we can’t afford it! My dad did everything he could to support me even after my mom left us alone. He had to do it all on his own and I’ve always felt sorry for him. I couldn’t let you do the same.”

He looked up at you, confused.

“I promised you’ll never need anything.”

“I don’t need anything. I just don’t want to feel useless.”

He scooted closer to you when he saw tears forming in your eyes. He cupped your face and then said:

“Honey, you’re not useless. Just because you can’t remember all the things you’ve done for us doesn’t make you useless.”

He leaned in and the distance between your faces disappeared and you could feel his breath tickling your lips. Before you could feel his lips on yours, the phone starting ringing, interrupting a potential kiss. You backed away awkwardly and cleared your throat before saying:

“The phone… I’ll answer it.”

You ran toward the phone and picked it up, not knowing what to expect. You sat down on the couch when the lady on the other side said she’s Hongbin’s teacher. Upon seeing the nervous expression on your face, Taekwoon sat down next to you asking who it was. You asked him to wait as you asked the teacher if anything was wrong with Hongbin or the kids.

“They’re all fine ma’am don’t worry. I just wanted to remind you of the date of the school’s play next Tuesday. I also want to thank you for your great efforts with the kids. They’ve all memorized their lines perfectly.”

You couldn’t remember anything about the play or helping the kids with their lines.

“Ah, it’s nothing. They are very excited about the play. We’ll definitely be there.”

You looked at Taekwoon who gave you a small nod before you hung up with the teacher. You looked at him as you said:

“The teacher wanted to thank me for helping them with their lines, but… I don’t remember helping them with it.”

He took you in his arms and pecked your temple as he said:

“I told you, just because you can’t remember it doesn’t mean you’re not doing a wonderful job looking after them. You rehearse the lines with them every day and make sure they’re ready for the play.”

You unconsciously reached for his ear and pinched it gently as you said:

“Can I still get a job?”

His eyes widened in surprise and you immediately pulled your hand away.

“I’m sorry… I don’t…”

“Are you… are you starting to remember things?”

“What? I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He looked at you, puzzled by your answer.

“You don’t know why you did this?”

You shook your head ‘no.’ You could see disappointment creeping into his face. He then said:

“You usually do that when you’re trying to convince me to let you do something. You do it because... because you know I can’t resist it when you do. I… I thought you remembered.”

You pulled yourself out of his hold, whispered “I’m sorry” before walking into the bedroom and closing the door behind you. You left Taekwoon alone in the living room and hoped he doesn’t follow you. You collapsed on the floor as soon as you closed the door and let your tears run freely down your face. At times you felt like this was indeed your family, your kids, your husband and you wanted to do everything you can to make them happy. But then you’d feel estranged. You could see how hard he was trying, always touching you or hugging you but you still didn’t know how to feel about him. The kids were slowly growing up on you even though you spent your whole life promising yourself not to ever have children. You were slowly falling in love with them. But Taekwoon… you still felt awkward being around him. You sighed as you wiped your tears away and left the room feeling like you needed to talk to him… but he wasn’t there.