Title: Just Me
Author: kyouya3/kyouya-sama
Length: Oneshot
Pairing: HoMin (Mentioned YunJae) 
Rating: R
Genre: Angst
Summary: Changmin had a confession to make....
A/N: First attemp on HoMin that ended up being Angst

 

JUST ME
 

His countless excuse when he messed his part of the room always amused me.
 

He was bad at brain game and some show did expect us to use our brain more; I love it though.
 

I pretended to hate it when he put his big warm hand on my hair. I didn’t like men touching me, I lied.
 

Yes, Yunho hyung, I knew. There were only two of us now after all.
 

You’re the only one I called when I wasn’t talking to my family and few close friends. It’s always you and I knew you would pick it up no matter how busy you’re. If not, you would endlessly call me once you saw my miscalls; at least until I answered.

“Yunho hyung…” I mumbled the name as I sipped another can of beer. Sitting alone inside my dark cold living room was pathetic enough.  I didn’t care though; I kept filling myself with the numbing liquid.

There’s nothing left. It’s almost like I wasn’t living at all. My heart was shattered into dust and I didn’t know how to live with one anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I let him hugged me. I couldn’t remember how his breath sounded near my ears. I couldn’t remember the last time he said he loved me.

Not that I didn’t protest when he said he loved me. I was so embarrassedly happy and didn’t mind to die at that moment. I was just too stupid to admit I loved him back. Shim Changmin was just too ing stupid to never say I love you to Jung Yunho.

Time, I thought we could have it all, especially after successfully came back after two years and three months hiatus. I thought I still had tomorrow to tell him how I felt. I know he saw me as younger brother. He loved me but only as brothers.

What I felt for him was way deeper than that and I couldn’t expect him to love me back. I just thought, maybe I should have tell him I love him as older brother; even though it’s clearly a lie.

Fresh tears began to fall down on my cheek, where my previous dried tears had marked it. I was tired, too ing tired to live after I lost him again for sure.

I saw it all, actually, I predicted it. When Yunho was about to go to army, I knew they would meet sooner or later. I know Yunho’ heart was still his even after all these years. I was just too stupid to hope it might change. No, Yunho hyung, I was still naïve Shim Changmin; I hadn’t mature enough.

Kim Jaejoong had it all; the look, fame, money, angel-attitude, and the biggest heart one person could carry. I knew I would never be like Jaejoong hyung and I didn’t blame Jaejoong hyung for it; just myself.

I was happy for a second when they’re back together and Yunho hyung excitedly texted me with emoticon. He almost never did that. Yet, jealousy and anger were what I felt afterward. I was a bad younger brother, I knew. I couldn’t help it. Now, I almost couldn’t feel anything and it’s great, really.

At least, I could laugh it off with Kyuhyun and Minho while sharing more numbing beers.

At least, I still could eat all the food in the world and had my full Europe tour.

At least, I could pretend to be snarky smart Shim Changmin when I saw him on his leave tomorrow.

Yet, I could never have Jung Yunho, no matter how much and how long I loved him.

Over 12 years, yes, I had loved Jung Yunho for ing 12 years. It started out with respect and adoration, followed by crush, then hope, despair, pain for years, emotional break-down, thought of suicide but suddenly I needed to pick Yunho hyung from pit of depression, another hope for another chance, delusion, wake up call, and eventually heartbreak.

What a devastating stupid one-side love story I had. I knew I shouldn’t be like this. No one knew this secret feeling I harbored deep inside my heart for him; not even Kyuhyun or Minho.

Just me…

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I swore I almost had a heart attack when my phone suddenly rang; that if I still had a heart. The sun was too blinding when I opened my eyes but I could care less as I answered the deafening phone.

“Changmin ah, where’re you?” a voice I missed so much greeted me,” Wait…Don’t tell me, you’re still sleeping. I know this’s your day off but shouldn’t you wake up early to welcome me back? Hahaha, I’m on my way to your place now---“

It was enough for me to jump up. I put Yunho hyung on speaker as I spoke to him in indifferent manner, acting like usual. I washed my face, cleaned myself and my junk-like apartment. I was using my MAX-Cleaning mode just like I cleaned Yunho hyung’s mess in short time; I had years of training.

It’s exactly the second I finished; I heard my front door opened. Yunho hyung knew my password; I didn’t see any reason to change it. He greeted me with a smile I missed the most and brought some of my favorite take out foods. Much to our surprise, I hugged him.

“Yaaa, what have you done to Shim Changmin while I was gone?” he joked.

“He’s gone,” I half-joked back,” Some alien took him in Europe. I am his replacement to spy on Jung Yunho. Dongbangshinki is quite famous on Mars too.”

Yunho laughed his famous laugh; how I missed that. Somehow it began to resemble my shattered heart. I loved Yunho too much to avoid him and save my heart. I never wanted to keep Yunho out of my life, even if someday I met another person who could gather my broken heart whole again.
 
FIN