~*~무한대 (mu-han-dae) n: the state or quality of being infinite~*~

Infinity (symbolically represented by a ∞) is a concept in mathematics and philosophy that refers to a quantity without bound or end. People have developed various ideas thoughout history about the nature of infinity. The word comes from the Latin word ‘infinitas’ or ‘unboundless’

Chapter 5

울다 (ool-da) v. to cry

“Sungjong.  Sungjong-ah.”

He could barely hear the other’s calls through the roaring in his ears and the numbness that had settled over his body since Mihee died, but he let the other people – he realized later it was Dongwoo and Woohyun –  lift him off the bed to take him into the shower.  The moment where he was in the shower felt he wasn’t crying even though he knew that he was.  It took him the whole shower to realize that Dongwoo was in front of him, washing his hair and quietly talking him through the plans for the day. 

“I don’t want to go,” Sungjong whispered to Dongwoo a little while later as Dongwoo helped him get dressed in a suit. “Don’t make me go.”

“I know you don’t want to go, Jjong, but you have to,” Dongwoo said gently, buttoning his shirt for him. 

For a moment Sungjong didn’t say anything, just watching as Dongwoo finished buttoning his shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles. “I want it to be over.”

“It’s just a bit more.” Dongwoo’s voice echoed thorugh his head strangely. “Just a bit more.”

Slipping Sungjong’s feet into his shoes, Dongwoo guided him out of the bedroom and to his car. He did notice the others around him, pressing against him comfortingly, but he didn’t respond. He just went though the motions, greeting the guests that came, nodding as people told him how great Daeun was and that it was unfortunate that he lost Mihee. 

“Sungjong.” Dongwoo’s voice called for him and a cold frame was pressed into his grip.  Somehow everything turned into a blur until Sungjong found himself standing in front of two graves. One small, one big. One for a mother and one for her daughter so that they may live together forever.

He ran his fingers against the curve of Daeun’s cheek in the picture, tears blurring his vision until he was gasping for breath through his tears.  Immediately a warm pair of arms was there to catch him, followed by soft comforting words against his cheek. 

“Jjong-ah, don’t worry, we’re here for you.”

“Hyung,” Sungjong choked out. “I miss Daeun. I want her back.”

Dongwoo nodded, gently patting his hair. “I know, Jjong. We’ll be here for you though, okay?” 

Sungjong nodded and hugged Dongwoo tightly. “Mihee too...”

“She’s with her mother, Jjong. Don’t worry about her.”

Later that night, he was sitting on the couch in Sunggyu and Woohyun’s apartment, curled up in a small ball as if that would protect him from the world. 

“Hey, Jjong-ah.”  Sungjong looked up to see Woohyun standing there with a cup held out for him.  “T... Drink.”

Sungjong straightened up and took the cup of tea.  “Thanks, hyung,” he said quietly, taking a sip. 

Woohyun sat down beside Sungjong carefully. “Jjong?” he asked catiously. 

“Yeah?”

“Sor... sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Sungjong asked surprised. 

“Because me... Mihee and D-da-daeun...” Woohyun trailed off and frustratedly pounded his head as if that would make words come out faster. Sungjong reached up and took his fist and gently ran his hand over his fingers until his hand relaxed in his grip. Woohyun smiled at him thankfully and took a deep breath to start again. “I drive. Th-that crash.”  Woohyun stumbled over his words and instead just pointed to himself again, his face crumpling up in frustration and guilt. “Tha-that crash...”

Slowly, Sungjong shook his head. “It isn’t your fault,” he said firmly. “It isn’t.”

“I dr-”

“The crash isn’t your fault. Nothing could’ve stopped the crash. It isn’t your fault.”

Still, Woohyun couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Hyung,” Sungjong said, scooting closer. “You’re going through enough with trying to get used to the aphasia. I’m not going to let you add guilt to it as well. I don’t balme you. Sure, I do wish that Daeun and Mihee were still alive, but that doesn’t mean I balme you for their deaths.”

With a little smile, Woohyun reached out to take Sungjong’s hand.  “Miss too,” he mumbled.  “Sorry.  Miss lot.  Eunie and M... Mi...”  He gave him a desperate look as he tried to say Sungjong’s daughter’s name.  “Mi...”

“Mihee.  Her name was Mihee,” Sungjong said quietly, looking down at the ground. “I miss her a lot.”

He found himself in Woohyun’s arms, Woohyun rubbing his back and stuttering his next sentence in his ear, “Mi... Mihee... be.. beat... ful name.”

Sungjong smiled weakly and hitched his feet up onto the couch to snuggle closer to Woohyun.  “I wish that you had time to meet Mihee,” he whispered. 

“Too,” Woohyun replied weakly.  “It good would.”

With a little smile Sungjong closed his eyes and rested his head on Woohyun’s shoulder.  “Maybe I’ll dream of her tonight,” Sungjong said softly. 

“You will.”  Woohyun’s soft voice wrapped around Sungjong.  “Sleep and... and... a-an-and...”

“Dream.”

Sungjong looked up sleepily as Sunggyu spoke up, filling in the sentence for Woohyun, and gave him a little smile. Sunggyu sat down on Sungjong’s other side, his warmth spreading through Sungjong as he gently rubbed Sungjong’s back. Sungjong couldn’t help but smile, feeling warm and safe between his hyung’s arms. 

“Hyung, song for Jjong,” Woohyun said, poking Sunggyu’s thigh. “Baby song.”

“Lullaby?” Sunggyu clarified and Woohyun nodded. Sungjong chuckled and squirmed closer to Woohyun as Sunggyu started to sing gently. 

Somewhere up there, there’s an angel

Singing the same songs as I am.

Somewhere up there

She loves you

After Sungjong fell asleep, Woohyun carefully edged out from underneath him, placing him gently on the couch and covering him with a blanket. He and Sunggyu headed into the kitchen and Sunggyu started preparing tea for the both of them.

“Hyung?”

“Yes?” Sunggyu asked, not looking up from the kettle.

“Blame?”

“Huh?”

“Crash. Blame?”

Sunggyu froze as he realized what Woohyun was saying. It was a silent for a moment before the silence was broken by a slight sniffle. Woohyun looked towards Sunggyu’s turned back and was surprised to find Sungygu’s shoulders shaking with quiet tears. In alarm, Woohyun cried out a couple of gabbled syllables, unable to complete a coherent sentence, and rushed up to Sunggyu’s side.

With a soft chuckle, Sunggyu wipped off his cheeks and said softly, “Woohyun. There’s no blame for the crash. Just the drunk guy in the other car. You were driving safely, this crash was no way your fault. Okay? Don’t blame yourself.”

Woohyun nodded slowly, but something else was nagging at his mind. “Hyung, happened?”

Sunggyu squinted in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Crash.”

“The crash...”

“Happened?”

Realizaton dawned on Sunggyu and he shook his head immediately. “It’s not important, Woohyun,” he said as he turned back to the tea.

“No!” Woohyun shot up and blocked Sunggyu from getting up. “Important.”

“Woohyun, let’s not talk about this,” Sunggyu said, his eyes narrowing in warning. 

“No.” Woohyun refused to back down. “Me talk can’t. You talk.”

“I can’t talk about it.”

“Can!” Woohyun yelled. “Can! Not want to!”

Silence took over the room at Woohyun’s sudden outburst, both in shock and in hope that Woohyun’s yelling hadn’t woken up Sungjong in the other room. Woohyun let out a long breath trying to calm himself. “Hyung pr-pr-prom...”

“Promised,” Sunggyu prompted gently. “Pro-mi-sed.”

Giving Sunggyu a short smile, Woohyun continued. “Hyung promise that you tr-tr-y t-t-o talk for me. If pr-prom-promise is true, this time... you talk.”

Sunggyu smiled a bit and ruffled Woohyun’s hair. “Okay,” he whispered, his eyes filled with sadness. For a moment, Sunggyu still didn’t say anything, his fingers brushing back Woohyun’s hair, revealing the neat line of stiches across Woohyun’s forehead. “You don’t remember it, do you? The doctors said that concussion that you got wiped out most of the evening. I’m glad you don’t remember. I don’t want you to know.”

“I know want,” Woohyun insisted.  

Sunggyu paused, to figure out what Woohyun was saying and what to do next.  “Woohyun... I don’t want you to remember how painful it was that night. I don’t know what happened for most of it either, but I remember Sungjong screaming for Daeun and the police and the ambulances asking if we were alright, but I couldn’t figure out how to answer because there was so much blood on your side. I didn’t know what to do while you wouldn’t wake up. I don’t want you to ever remember that.”

They fell into silence, Sunggyu lost in memories while Woohyun tried to figure everything out. 

“Hyung, I re-re-remember evening,” Woohyun said quietly, breaking the silence. 

Sunggyu’s head shot up. “You remember?” he asked. “But--“  

Woohyun nodded. “I c-can’t think evening y-ya... I c-can’t re-remember n-n-night when d-d-the car... but remember before. Remember h-h-how y-you l-l-laughed. How you...”  Woohyun made a gesture towards his face, pointing to his mouth. “You use... u-use to smile. Miss it.”

“I still do,” Sunggyu said, confusion written across his face. “I still smile.”

He shook his head. “Hyung, no smile,” he said. “Crying when you smile too.”

When Sunggyu didn’t reply, Woohyun continued to talk. “Hyung... y-y-you be strong... for us. A-al-always. Trainees till n-n-now,” he struggled to get out. “N-now be s-strong for...” He reached out and poked Sunggyu’s forehead and his chest. “S-strong for you.  F-f-for Su-sunggyu-hyung.”

Sunggyu looked up at Woohyun, tears in his eyes. “Oh, Woohyun...”

Woohyun smiled at him, the tears b in his own eyes. “Sunggyu-hyung,” he whispered, everything written in those simple words.

Sunggyu hugged him tightly. “I’m so sorry, Woohyun-ah,” he whispered into his shoulder.

With a shaky smile, Woohyun buried his nose against the crook of Sunggyu’s neck.  “Sunggyu. Sunggyu...” For the first time since the accident, Woohyun managed to say Sunggyu’s name. Woohyun kept on repeating his name as if the name would protect them from everything. 

Hoya and Sungyeol were waiting for the elevator from Sunggyu’s apartment together when finally Hoya spoke up.  “Hey, Sungyeol?”

“Yeah?” Sungyeol asked, his eyes not looking away from watching the numbers for the elevator come up to their floor. 

“Do you... okay, what if you got an offer to leave Infinite?”

Sungyeol finally turned and raised his eyebrow.  “Did you?”

“Just hypothetically.”

The elevator doors slid open and Sungyeol got in, followed by Hoya.  “You know, since the moment I joined Woollim, I heard so many times that I should just quit and become an actor like I planned to,” he said. 

“But did you ever get an offer to leave Infinite?”

Sungyeol hesitated, looking at the elevator lights flashing further and futher down.  “Yes,” he whispered.  “Once.”

“Really?” Hoya was surpised at the answer. 

Nodding, Sungyeol didn’t quite look at Hoya. “It was after Chaser and I was going through all of those auditions for different dramas and I didn’t get any.”

“But you did...”

“Yeah,” Sungyeol sighed as they left the elevator.  “It was a just a scout, looking for more actors for another company.  As you can see, I didn’t take it.”

Their footsteps echoed loudly in the parking garage as Hoya asked, “Why not?”

“I thought that I was going to,” Sungyeol admitted as he leaned against the hood of his car.  “But I asked Dongwoo his opinion and even though he didn’t have much advice to offer, he told me to trust my feet.”

“And that helps...?”

“The next day, I sprained my ankle during dance practice,” Sungyeol said with a grin.  “That was probably the worst injury I had up until then and it just hurt so much.” 

“And you didn’t give up?”

“I did... for a moment, but then when I was walking – limping – away, there was a moment when I couldn’t walk any further, so I came back,” Sungyeol said.  “I realized that I trusted all of you to come back and I knew that you trusted me to come back too.”

“That’s a lot of meaning in just a sprained ankle,” Hoya said dryly. 

“Yeah, Even though it’s slightly... childish, but it makes sense to me and I don’t regret turning down that offer,” Sungyeol said. 

Hoya sighed, leaning against the hood of the car beside Sungyeol. 

“What’s the offer?” Sungyeol asked in a low voice. 

“Dance teacher or choreographer,” Hoya answered quietly.  “It’s in America.”

Suddenly, Sungyeol started to laugh, his laughter echoing through the parkade. 

“Why are you laughing?” Hoya asked with a smile of his own. 

“I just can’t imagine you doing that,” Sungyeol replied.  “It’s one thing when you’re teaching Myungsoo how to do our choreography or teaching a trainee something, but I just can’t see you being a full time teacher.”

Hoya nodded, knowing that Sungyeol was saying the truth.

“But!” Sungyeol said, holding up a hand. “I know that you want to keep on dancing and right now, it seems like we’re grinding to a halt. So I can’t say anything that will keep you back. Just trust your feet, Howon. Eventually, we’ll get there.”

Lee Jungyeop looked at the seven boys in front of him.  Never before had he seen them in this condition. 

The worried look on Myungsoo’s face was never fading, even as Sungyeol cracked a joke to make Myungsoo smile, but all it did was make Myungsoo give Sungyeol a timid smile so that Sungyeol would know that he had actually heard him.  Usually, Woohyun would’ve swooped in to save to the joke, but all that Woohyun could do was laugh a little bit and give Sungyeol a supportive smile as Sungyeol poked Myungsoo to provoke a reaction out of him.  On the other side, Sungjong was just staring blankly at the table top as Sunggyu gently massaged his shoulder comfortingly.  Dongwoo ran into the room, looking rather frazzled, with Hoya behind him, something shifting under the façade of calmness. 

Finally he handed out the folders and told them to open them. 

Sungyeol was the first one to and he looked at it confused.  “What’s this?” he asked, picking up the only thing that was in the folder, an envelope containing an airplane ticket to Jeju Island.

“Are we really going to go there?” Sunggyu asked, his eyebrow raised.  “Why?”

Jungyeop nodded.  “I got you a cabin by the sea. No fans will be able to get near you, so go there and relax, recover from all of this.  No schedules, no cameras, it’ll just be there seven of you.”

“But-”

“I got you tickets for Yejin, Sora and Haneul too,” Jungyeop told Dongwoo, cutting off his question.  “You can just go and relax.”

“Why?” Myungsoo asked, apparently his still tired mind trying to figure out what was going on. 

“You all need this,” Jungyeop said.  “You all really need a break, get away from everything and get back onto your feet.”

Sunggyu smiled and nodded.  “Thank you, CEO-nim,” he said for all of them.  “You really didn’t need to do this.”

“The least I can do,” he said with a little smile.  “Now go.  Go.  I don’t want to see you for another few weeks.  Leave now.”

This time, he heard a small bout of laughter from Myungsoo and Dongwoo accompanied with smiles from the other five as they left the office.  The small laughter made Jungyeop smile.  Even if it was only short and quiet, they were their way to healing. 

울다 (ool-da) I can’t smile, I’ll cry instead

Hi everyone! Five months since I updated... lol, but the next chapters are ready to be posted and I think I'm just going to post them all on one day soon. so look forward to that. This is the end of part I, the next part is also 5 chapters. 

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