Guilt. The emotion can bring out the good and bad, the honest and dishonest, the humble and prideful. It’s a beautiful emotion, capable of bringing people together and keeping them apart. It can illuminate feelings and it can diminish them.

As I ran, I realized that I, in fact, was a victim of guilt. Tears streamed down my eyes as I attempted to see the path in front of me, and not the shadows that loomed over it.

The flickering light of my sanity was giving out. I had no time to foresee it, it me so fast, I couldn’t help myself. Henrietta and Ricardo-

The thought of them stopped me in my tracks. My two friends, my best friends, what had happened to them? Their eyes, once full of love and adoration for me, now a black sea of evil. I held in a sob, I had to focus on leaving, going somewhere to attempt to get my sanity back. Jongin didn’t deserve to see me like this. I wanted to believe I didn’t deserve to be in this state, although I guess I knew better. I knew better than to try and ignore the wench Fate. She was a vindictive witch.

I walked briskly into the train station bustling with people, normal people, with normal lives and normal thoughts. I kept my eyes on the ground, not giving the shadows an opportunity to take advantage of. I got on the train without a single word, and prayed that nothing would go wrong.

When I got out of the train, I made the mistake of looking up.

I saw shadows.

People’s faces were gone.

A crackling sound invaded my ears.

I walked faster, trying not to believe anything I saw. I hurried out of the train station, and onto a small street.

It was raining.

I wasn’t getting wet, but it felt so real. It looked so real.

I screamed and ran.

On the way to my house, I saw a little girl.

Her face was completely cut open.

I saw a man handing out fliers.

His eyes were gouged out and bleeding.

I saw an old lady carrying her bag of groceries.

She got hit by a motorcycle.

Everywhere I looked, no matter the direction, I saw something that shouldn’t have been there.

I looked down, I saw blood stains.

I looked in the grass, I saw a dead bird.

The crackling got louder. A woman shrieked in my ear. I covered them, trying to block out the noise as I ran. When she stopped, I took my hands off of my ears. They were bleeding. I couldn’t hear anything. Tears blurred my vision as I finally ran to my front door. Grasping for my keys out of sheer panic and mental exhaustion, I didn’t realize the door was already unlocked. I sighed in relief; my parents must be home.

I stepped into our lavish apartment and took my shoes off. I had never felt so happy to be home, even though I normally hated it here, it was still home and provided a sense of comfort only a home could. The thought of my parents here made me feel even safer, though in retrospect I have no idea why.

“Mother, we need to talk. I’ve been having a relapse and need to the doctor immediately,” I spoke loudly so she would be able to hear me no matter where she was in the house.

“We need to hurry, mother, I may not be able to recover if we don’t hurry,” I shouted worriedly, starting to walk faster throughout my house.

I hurried into my dark, messy room in search for my prescription. Finding the offensive bottle, I grabbed it and looked at it disgustingly.

“You were supposed to work,” I muttered darkly to the inanimate object that seemed to hold more power than it should. I stuffed it in my pocket and headed out of my room in search for my mother.

I looked upstairs, I looked downstairs, I looked in her room, I looked everywhere, yet I couldn’t find her. Sighing, I turned the light switch to the dining hall on.

Nothing happened.

Curious, and slightly alarmed, I tried again. Nothing happened. Still darkness. Normally, it wouldn’t have surprised me, but today it set my internal defense system on.

I heard washing of dishes.

My relief was great. My mother was in the kitchen, washing dishes. I turned around and walked briskly to the kitchen.

“Mother, didn’t you hear me, we have to the hospital. There is something wrong with me. I think I maybe relapsing-” I never finished my sentence.

It wasn’t my mother doing the dishes. She never did dishes.

It was Henrietta.

Dressed in my mother’s old apron and dress, Henrietta stood, her back to me, washing an extremely large pile of dirty dishes. My breath hitched in fear. I hoped that she wasn’t the form she had taken recently, a void woman of black eyes, and hoped she had returned to me as the kind, gentle, English woman with the voice that lined with cigarette smoke.

“Kyungsoo, be a dear and dry these off for me?” Henrietta asked, holding out two plates, her head still facing the sink.

I took two cautious steps towards her, pausing ever so slightly in between them.

“Why are you taking so long, hurry up and come get these!” she shouted at me, her thick accent gone completely. She turned around to reveal a look of pure anger, complete with the black eyes.

“Why are you so afraid of me Kyungsoo? I’ve been with you all this time, from when you were five, until now, and I will always be with you. Why are you tearing that apart?” she asked, facing me, the wrath still evident on her face. I swallowed hard.

“You are not my Henrietta,” I spoke firmly, despite my fear. Her wrath grew more.

“It’s his fault isn’t it? That deceiver! He’s the one who took you from me, from Ricardo! We were supposed to be together!” she spat. Bile rose in me, but I fought it down.

“I never said we couldn’t be together Henrietta, all of us can still be together,” I said calmly.

“You’re right. Ricardo and I will make sure we are never apart again,” she laughed manically. The shadows rose and surrounded me at a monstrous pace. I fell back, struggling to break free.

It’s all in my mind

It’s all in my mind

“Kyungsoo!”

I turned around. Jongin stood at my door, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

“What are you doing here?” I asked through Henrietta’s strangled snarl at Jongin.

“What do you mean, what am I doing here? Kyungsoo, you completely flipped out on me, and then ran away. Of course I would follow you here,” he bent down where I was sitting, inspecting me for damage.

I wasn’t listening though.

Cuts.

Bruises.

Scars.

Blood.

They lined his face slowly, and then started on his body. Henrietta laughed slowly as my eyes grew wider and wider. The scars began to form letters.

Your fault.

Yes, the scars were right. It was my fault Jongin got hurt like that. The beating from his father. The torment on his face. It was all my fault.

I was guilty.

Henrietta’s triumphant cheers sounded as I screamed, strangled and broken on the floor, and writhed in pain. The shadows slowly took over me as they began to whisper to me.

It’s his fault

The deceiver

Kill him

He hurt you, Kyungsoo

He deserves to die

“Kyungsoo? Are you okay?” Jongin asked petrified at my state.

“He deserves to die,” I whispered with the shadows.

“What, Kyungsoo, I can’t hear you,” he was exasperated. I would’ve been too.

“He deserves to die,” I said.

To this day I can still hear the evil laughter of Fate, crushing down on my fragile and pathetic soul as I drown in the waters of insanity. As I lunge for the man I had loved for three years, I can see the white rose slowly wilt, and the farmer watching it in horror as there is nothing he can do to save it. The farmer may have saved the white rose from one briar patch, but the one it died in was invisible. It slowly choked the flower, leaving it helpless and unable to be helped.

As my parents drag me off of a bloody Jongin, whose crying face still stains my memories, I feel myself being pushed out of the waters of infatuation and into the waters I have always been in. love.

It’s funny how the moment you become insane, you see things at its clearest.

As I’m hauled away by men, gnarling at my parents whom I care for, and the boy I not only admire, but love as well, I realize a love like ours will never be made for this world. Maybe the next world, or maybe never, but our love is too fragile for this one. Because in this world, Fate rules with an iron fist, and what she says goes.

I wish I could’ve only told Jongin how much I loved him before the light finally flickered out on the candle of my sanity.