Record 1 : Sunday, [date has been smudged] 12.05 a.m. 

[Play]
    
Hey…..

I'm sure you heard about what happened. Is this another start…?

I'm tired. People around me are telling me to sleep but I don’t think that I want to nor do I need to. The stars are pretty tonight. Heavens is probably doing this to cheer me up even if I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay; although I’m feeling a bit better.  I’ll open the window for the rest of the night.

It’s cold, really cold.

Sunday. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 2 : Monday, [date has been smudged] 9 p.m. 

[Play]

Baekhyun asked me to meet him this morning when I ran into him at Minseok's office. I saw how he looked at Minseok suspiciously. 

I knew this would be coming, sooner or later.

Let me tell you the truth, our friends don't know about this, about the whole vascular dementia thing. Minseok told me he doesn't want anyone to know, I understand him. 

All I can do is say yes and support him in the any way he wants me to. It’s not my place to tell anyone but sometimes it gets unbearable doing this alone. Also, the psychiatrist told me that it’s better to have someone to talk to. 

But, I imagined again, how devastating it is for him when everyone starts treating him like an invalid because of his dementia, he’ll feel even worse than he does right now.

I just... Can't...

Monday. This is Oh Sehun.

***

"He said something about Minseok. Is he his husband?" The detective asks to his assistant. 

"Yes, sir"

***

Record 3 : Wednesday, [date has been smudged] 8.45 a.m. 

[Play]

Sorry, it's been a while. Lately the whole thing just turned into a chaos and I had to hold myself together to avoid breaking in front of Minseok. I can't let him see me break down or else he’ll break too. Or what’s even worse is that he’ll further break himself. I almost lost myself this morning after dropping Minseok at the office, but then I remembered the recording therapy so here I am again.

[Pause]

***

"So this recording is part of a therapy?"

"Yes, sir. It was a therapy for a caregiver of a dementia patient. His husband suffered from dementia. "

***

[Play]

What I meant about the chaos is that there were more things that happened in Minseok's office though I didn't know the exact details. When I got there after receiving a call, Minseok was already in the infirmary because he was behaving unlikely himself.  Sometimes his co-workers think that he is sick because he can't seem to focus on his work.

He keeps forgetting things, asking the same questions all over and over again.

I kind of want him to stop working. His symptoms are showing progressively and it may occur anytime. I don't want him to hurt himself or others. 

But how will I tell him? And how can I prepare myself for his reaction?

/silence/

It's nearly 9 a.m, I should go to work.

Wednesday. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 4 : Friday, [date has been smudged] 11 p.m. 

[Play]

Today, I invited Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Joonmyeon and Yifan to come over. I invited Luhan too, but he's in a bussiness trip so he can't come. Minseok has been so gloomy lately, and maybe gathering our group of dearest friends will help him cheer up. Even if he sees Baekhyun and Chanyeol in daily basis at work, it’s still not the same since they are always busy.

That did the trick; Minseok was smiling when he saw the guys coming in. Not to mention seeing his favorite niece, Sohee, Joonmyeon and Yifan's daughter. That was the smile that I missed the most. I’m glad Minseok did not forget Sohee. I guess it’s also because of the soft spot that he has for the little girl. Everyone says Sohee could be Minseok's daughter, seeing how similar they look alike each other.

And have I mentioned about how happy Minseok when Sohee gave him a portion of food first before her own parents. Baekhyun was teasing Joonmyeon and Yifan so much as I watched them happily from the side.

Sometimes I wish we had a child to liven up the mood in the house. Having a kid with Minseok would be awesome.

Friday. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 5 : Monday, [date has been smudged] 4.15 p.m. 

[Play]

Minseok keeps forgetting things lately. But, I already learned how to deal with that.

I just wish the next time he forgets something, it’s not me. 

Dr. Do also said that Minseok can't drive anymore. That’s the reason why I drive him to work everyday. He didn't say or ask anything, only nodded when I told him about our change of routine.

I knew that just by looking at his eyes, he is disappointed. He must be feeling that he failed me right now. But I know more than that, he must be feeling that he failed himself. He thinks that he is a failure but I beg to differ.

/sighs/

But what can we do about it?

/silence/

Ah, it's already time to pick Minseok up from the office. Talk to you later.

Monday. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 6 : Friday [date has been smudged] 8 p.m

[Play]

We went to the hospital today. Minseok seemed to be in daze throughout the test that was administered by Dr. Do, so he decided for Minseok to rest for a while and asked if the two of us could talk. Talking with the doctor  alone is never a good sign. We sat down and Dr. Do asked how I've been. Does recording my daily activity with Minseok help me emotionally? It did help, maybe a little bit, yet the news he delivered to me didn't help to ease my worry. 

Even just a bit.

I wanted to talk more, but I'm tired. Minseok had been crying and locking himself in our room since we arrived home. I wish he doesn't do anything suicidal. Dr. Do told me that depression might occur during this state and I need to be ready for more after this. 

/sighs/

Friday. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 7: Thursday evening [date has been smudged] 7 p.m.  

[Play]

Minseok kinda threw a fit this morning. He said he didn’t want to go to work because he felt a bit sick.  Nonetheless I checked his temperature and blood pressure, only to know that there is nothing wrong with his body. Judging by his antics, he knew that I found out that he was lying. 

Dr. Do already told me about this though, and I’ve also read it on the internet. I did what I thought was the right thing to do and persuaded him to go to work. Surprisingly, he agreed without picking a fight and prepared for work. 

I soon regretted my decision on the afternoon. 

I got a call from Minseok's work place again today. They said that Minseok was behaving more weirdly; forgetting his co-workers and getting mad at everyone. I wasn’t even thinking straight when I dropped my work papers and got into the first cab I saw heading to Minseok's workplace. When I arrived there, Minseok was already in the infirmary. He was spacing out. I feared for the worst scenario, but he smiled and looked up when I came in after calling my name. You don’t know how bad I want to hug him at that moment, assuring him that everything is gonna be okay.

"Thursday evening. This is Oh Sehun"

Record 8 : Tuesday night, [date has been smudged] 10 p.m.  

[Play]

The tonight’s dinner was the fried chicken that Minseok bought on our way home from work. I’ve told him countless times that he should cut down his oil consumption because he is, indeed, getting older. 

We sat down on the couch, planning to have dinner while watching the newest drama Minseok's been interested in. Something about high school students and vampires that is oddly the name of a combination of a fruit and a Christina Aguilera song. In the middle of the drama, Minseok wonders how it feels like to be vampire. I answered that it must be boring, shutting themselves from the others that are not our kind. 

He then retaliated that at least vampires won’t die. 

We didn't talk much after that, but Minseok’s words clouded my mind. He held my hand all the time and I leaned my head on his shoulder; hoping my love and affection was sent through that gesture. 

Minseok is already asleep. He opened the window next to our bed. He is really trying hard to cheer me up. The sky is full of stars tonight. He never forgets that I love watching the stars.

Tuesday night. This is Oh Sehun.

Record 9: Monday morning, [date has been smudged] 6.45 a.m.

[Play]

I woke up this morning with the feeling of Minseok's breath grazing my neck. I thought that this is such a good way to start my day but nothing can go wrong as long as I get to see Minseok every time I wake up. He looks so beautiful, almost ethereal. 

So peaceful.

Minseok rarely sleeps in. Between the two of us, he’s usually the one who wakes up earlier whispering his plans for the day during my sleepy state. Before he gets up he never fails to give me a warm embrace that he says is enough to energize him for the rest of the day. 

He must really be tired. I took the matter of taking care to his soon hungry stomach and headed to the kitchen to prepare our breakfast. I cooked omelette with Minseok's favorite bell pepper, chili, cheese, tomato, minced beef and... Well, the others. Food Network said that it ruins the omelette taste, but it's Minseok's favorite, so Food Network be damned.

/laughs/

Everything feels so peaceful and normal. 

Monday morning.This is Oh Sehun.

***

The detective groans into his hands, his hair is jutted in every way possible. It’s the last record yet they don’t find anything suspicious in it. So, what is the motive of Sehun’s death? 

The detective looks at the row of black tapes on his table, arranged neatly in order. His eyes fall on the label with date the record was recorded. Now that he looks at it, he notices that there’s a smudged part on the label under where the date is written. Perhaps…. Is it possible if..?

“Sir! There is a new recording tape found on the Oh Sehun’s room!” 

                                    ***

Record 10 : The Last. 31th of August. 7 p.m.

“It was recorded on the day he died? It was recorded yesterday right? What time did his neighbor find him?” 

“Like the coroner, Joonmyeon, said he predicted the time of death around 11.30 to 12.30 p.m. And the neighbor found him in the morning at 5 a.m. And yes, the last record was recorded yesterday based on what is written on the tape” 

[Play]

It’s been a long time, again. I’m missing a lot, yeah? 

I just… (sobs)

I just went back home from Minseok’s grave. It’s….

(sobs)

Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry this much. I thought I was done crying for today when I was at the cemetery. But I guess I’m wrong..

It’s been, what… four months since Minseok left me? I still can remember everything clearly, as if it’s just yesterday.

By the way, I know this is meant for therapy, thus I should be like telling my psychiatrist about this but, I just.. I need to make this for Minseok, I want to talk to him. Let me, just this once? I won’t ask again later, I promise. Please believe me… 

Life has been…. Nothing. I don’t know how to describe it, because I don’t know how to differentiate feelings anymore, can I describe everything as pain, Minseok? Because  living everyday just hurts. Even seeing Sohee? When we know, no, we knew, she is the most adorable human being in the planet? 

After our child definitely, but it will never come true. Right? So, Sohee is number one, then. 

Ah, now. I even cry when I talk about children. I miss talking about adoption with you, even if we both know, (sighs) knew, that we wouldn’t be able… But you listened to me, you responded me. 

By the way, you know Minseok? Luhan finally got down on one knee and asked Yixing to marry him. Aren’t they the cutest? Luhan finally had the courage when they went on a trip for hiking last month. Luhan actually didn’t plan to, but I think it’s the atmosphere and all… 

And I happened to remember that one time you promised to propose to me one day? When we’re both ready? I think it was long before the devil came… I remember you told me to hang onto that promise, because someday you will, you said. 

I’m still hanging onto that promise. 

Just so you know… 

(silence) 

Minseok, do you know where I am right now? 

I’m now in the rooftop, the stars look definitely better from here. When was the last time we went here? I think it was in our housewarming years ago? Kris demanded for barbeque so we ended up here…. 

I remember my mom saying that when someone we love dies they will become a star. Are you there, Minseok? I love you, so you must be somewhere in the sky right? Are you in Seoul sky? Or are you in Barcelona sky? You won’t choose football over me, right? 

The sky is full of stars tonight, I wonder if I chose the wrong day… 

Is there a room in the sky for both of us, Minseok? I wish there is, I will just need a little bit of space, I’m a lot skinnier right now, you know? So I think I can fit well. I don’t mind if it’s cramped but as long as I’m right beside you. 

(silence)

I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want me to be this way, but…

You don’t know how hard the past few months, Minseok. 

You know there’s a medical procedure called Euthanasia, right? Relieving patient from the pain. It’s…like that. 

I put hyacinths and tuberoses on the flower bouquet… I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. 

(silence)

“I’m thirsty, I’m going to get water” 

(silence) 

(sound of a glass placed near the recorder)

(sound of chair dragged on the floor)

Minseok, look what I’ve found… The tapes I recorded, I haven’t sent them to my psychiatrist… 

(silence)

(mumble) It has numbers on it…. 

(sound of sketches)

Ah, now you see? 

(sighs) How I wish I can apply this four months ago, reversing everything. And then, everything would be fine, and my last record would be about how you like your breakfast in the morning, and hope won’t eat my soul alive. 

Have you ever wondered how would it be if we were running in reverse?

Would we have children running around the house and you would be busy reading newspaper and I would be cooking breakfast in the kitchen?
Would the day when you finally kneeled down come? Would it be sooner? Or even in a few years?

Would we make it through it all?

Would we love each other until it hurts? 

For the last question, we both know the answer… Right?

(silence)

But, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll see you soon. 

Are you excited about that? 

Dear Mr. Kim, the psychiatrist, it’s been nice recording this, all of this. Your therapy helped a lot, for me, even if I never sent it to you. Mr. Kim…

One could only survive so long during the drought. 

Maybe you will blame yourself about what will happen, but trust me, it’s not your fault. It is all mine.  

(clock ticking in the background)

For the last time, 

This is Oh Sehun. 

***

[EPILOGUE]

“Is it.. some kind of  suicide note?" The assisant's voice breaks the long silence that envelops the room after the recording ends. The detective looks like he's deep in thought, pen held between his fingertips hitting the tabletop in a rhytmical manner, the detective seems to not realizing it himself. 

After another five minutes, the detective lets out a sigh. "Yeah, it was his suicide note"

"The death of his husband triggered it?" The assistant asks again as he scribbles on the note on his hands, for the investigation report later. 

The detective sips on his coffee again, his fourth one of the day. He knows it's unhealthy but it's the only way to keep himself awake with the puzzling case and the recordings found. "It's more than that, I think it was also the build up pressure and stress during taking care of his husband, seeing that his husband's condition was getting worse day by day. And his husband's death, being his final trigger" 

After hearing his boss, the assistant looking up from his note with a confused face, "His husband's condition was getting worse? We heard on the ninth record that everything was fine?" The assistant paused, weighing his words, "Okay, not everything was fine, but at least our victim sounded... happy? And he got help from his friends early, he must had had support." 

"Everything could happen in between two months after the ninth and before the tenth recording, and it was his husband's death. You will never know what effect someone’s death can bring, whether you have support or not. And more importantly," the detective grabs for the ninth tape on the table, "we heard the records in the wrong order" 

Before the assistant can say anything, the detective continues again, "You heard on the record he said something about numbers, reversing and he definitely erased, and wrote something, the sound of it could be heard through the recording. And now, what did he write?" 

The detective arranged the tape again with a reversed order, "He reversed the record, he changed the order. Now try hearing the record from the ninth," he points the ninth tape, and dragging his finger on the stacked tape to the other one on the end "to the first one" 

"And you'll figure out what really happened"

 

a/n : if you guys r confused or need explanation just ask! ;D i will be glad explaining it. but if you guys get it by yourself tell me too how do you think it is! :D