"I just don't get the whole monoual thing. Like, how do you look at half the population of the earth and not be attracted to them because of something as arbitrary as gender?"

            "Uhm.."

            "Like, I get that you can not like certain body types or personality types, but what about when they don't intersect? What then? Do you really look at a pretty girl and feel nothing?"

            Sehun waited a second to see if he was allowed to talk now or whether Jongin was merely catching his breath in preparation for more confused ranting. When it seemed like he was expected to actually respond, he said,

            "Well yeah. I don't know how it works exactly. I'm just not interested in girls."

            "Hmm. To each their own I suppose. Token gay friend." He laughed and elbowed Sehun to show he was joking, but Sehun's skin crawled for reasons Jongin would never understand. "It's kind of interesting though if you think about it. Or scary, if you think too much about how rigidly ideas about gender dictate our lives." Jongin laughed and Sehun sat there wondering how he could possibly have allowed himself to be dragged into this conversation. This was one discussion he actively tried to avoid. "Still, it's not all bad I suppose. At least I got a uni name. Imagine knowing the gender of the person you'll end up with. Spoil all the fun in life."

            "Jongin? I don't see how that's... oh, right." Sehun felt vaguely nauseous at the reminder that Jongin could never be his. When they first met, Sehun felt a swoop of hope. Jongin. That was the name that was marked on Sehun's skin since birth. This was the one. But Jongin was destined for another and they chalked it down to the fact that Jongin was not an uncommon name. 'What a coincidence!' he'd said, but Sehun knew that there must be a mistake in the system. Sometimes that happened, sometimes people fell through the cracks, and Sehun knew without a doubt that he was meant for his best friend. But Jonin bore the name of another.

            "'Scuse me, I need to pee." He stood up from his spot on the bedroom floor and made his way briskly down Jongin's hall to the bathroom, which he tumbled into and shut the door behind him. As always though, Jongin could tell when something wasn't right. There was a knock on the door.

            "Hyung, are you okay?" That was the last straw. He sat on the toilet and cried. Eventually he emerged and was enveloped in Jongin's arms. "Do you want to talk about it?" Sehun shook his head violently.

            "I'm sorry, I can't right now." His voice was hollow.

            "It's okay hyung, whatever you need." Sehun shuddered in revulsion at the honorific and fought the urge to withdraw from the embrace.

***

            "Hey Jongin"

            "Yeah?"

            "I uh... wanted to talk to you about something."

            "Yeah hyung, what is it?" Sehun tried and failed to repress a shudder at the honorific.

            "Well you know that stuff you always say about how stupid gender is as a construct and how you don't care and all that."

            "Yeah."

            "Would you... think that if someone you knew said they didn't... uh... like the honorifics you were using?"

            "Of course, I said I don't care. Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

            "That depends on what you think I'm saying."

            "Well..." Jongin seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "It sounds as though maybe you don't like being referred to as hyung." Sehun nodded and started to tear up. He was angry at himself, there was no need to upset Jongin by crying. "Hey hey, it's okay. We can take this slow. You don't have to have everything figured out just yet. Unless you do in which case I'm here to learn, or if you don't we can learn together. It's all good. It's okay." He pulled Sehun into his arms and let him sob into his shoulder for a good fifteen minutes. Through the sobbing, he managed to choke out,

            "I'm not gay."

***

The weekend arrived, Sehun came out to Luhan, and nobody died. The two of them sat together on a sleepy Monday afternoon in the park beside their university. The weather was a little gloomy, but Sehun liked it that way. Hot weather always made her feel more anxious than anything else and her pale skin never really acclimatised to the bright sunlight.

            "I want to change my name."

            "Oh?"

            "Yeah, I just don't think Sehun fits me. It doesn't feel like me, y'know?"

            "It's not very feminine."

            "Exactly."

            "So do you have any ideas about what you want to go by?"

            Sehun ducked her head and fiddled anxiously. This was the part that was going to be difficult. She already knew exactly what she wanted to be called but there was no way to say it without her intentions being misconstrued.

            "Yeah, I do. Just... please keep an open mind okay?"

            "Of course, what is it?"

            "Seyeon," she mumbled into her lap. Sehun looked up to see the pity in Luhan's eyes. This was somehow worse than the disappointment she'd expected. "Just hear me out, okay Lu? It's the logical choice. Sehun, Seyeon, I think it suits me. When I was a kid I always used to think about what would've happened if I'd been born a girl and what I'd have been called. I was always Seyeon, I just never let myself be that girl. This isn't about Jongin, it's about me. I'm tired of pretending to be Sehun. I'm tired of pretending to be that guy." She thought she'd cried enough in the last week to last a lifetime, that she couldn't possibly spare anymore tears, but she felt so tired and fragile and everything was so hard. Having so many difficult conversations and personal revelations in such a short space of time had left her feeling like a wrung out dishcloth. Limp and so very, very tired. His eyes still felt watery.

***

Jongin looked down at the brown writing on his arm in disbelief.

            "O...kay."

            "Hear me out. Now, I know how this sounds, but I need to explain something. I've already talked to Luhan about this and trust me when I say it's not because of you. I've thought about it a lot. I've always wanted to be Seyeon, even before I met you. I've thought about how it sounds that I want to change my name to the one that happens to be on your arm, but this is the real me. I'd be Seyeon even if I'd never met you, although perhaps I'd hate myself more. I don't know. You bring out the best in me and you make me feel like I matter and like I'm not a freak and I don't have to hide anymore. I want you to know that your friendship means more to me than anything in the world and I would never do something so reckless as to mess with the soulmate system intentionally. Please tell me it's okay." Her eyes were beginning to prickle yet again and she clenched her fist in defiance and in anger at herself for always being so weak, for always crying. Tears slid silently down her face despite her best efforts at suppressing them.

            Jongin was silent for a while and Sehun began to panic. Of course this was how it would go, how could she possibly think this would end well? Of course he was creeped out and of course this would put a strain on their relationship. This was stupid. She should've just kept quiet. She should've...

            "Yes."

            "Huh?"

            "Yes, it's okay. Of course it is. I mean, I never want you to feel like you have to put on a facade around me. I promised I'd be here. It's... we'll sort it out. It's not... I mean, yeah. This isn't about me."

            "Oh okay."

            They subsided into an awkward silence. She wiped her face on her sleeve.

            "I trust you."

            Sehun looked up to see him staring at her intently. He twitched, as though he wanted to look away, embarrassed, but he held eye contact. She wasn't sure what he was trying to communicate, but it felt important somehow. They stared at each other for a while until he finally looked down at her hand. Jongin contemplated it for a few seconds before taking it in his own. They sat like that, the picture of serenity while Sehun's heart beat ferociously against her rib cage. She struggled to regulate her breathing so Jongin wouldn't know how much this was affecting her. How excited and hopeful and scared she was. They sat like that until peak hour was over and their train tickets would be discounted. They sat like that as the sky darkened, the moon rose, and excited teenagers emerged in their leather pants and high heels for a Friday night out in the city. Still she felt like she couldn't breathe.

***

The weekend went by with no word from Jongin. It wasn't like she really expected anything different, they lived an hour away from each other and usually didn't bother talking much on weekends unless there was something specific to talk about. Still, the anxiety gnawed at her at the thought that maybe there was nothing to say. Maybe Jongin was deciding what to do.

            Her thought processes were frenetic as she walked through the front door of the music department on Monday, all the possibilities running through her head. She knew he wouldn't hate her, but he might be disappointed or angry or feel sorry for her like Luhan had. What if he looked at her and saw someone desperate and invasive? She fumbled with the combination to her locker and shoved her clarinet inside, ready to head off to her first lecture of the day, and gave a start when she saw Jongin out of the corner of her eye. He was standing in the door frame to the locker room, watching her determinedly. He walked up to Seyeon and squared his shoulders.

            "I think we're soulmates."

            She looked at him blankly.

            "Uh, I mean, It would make sense don't you think? I mean, it could be a coincidence but that's pretty unlikely and we do already know each other really well."

            "Yes, well...." Seyeon wasn't quite sure what to say to that. It seemed to fit together so neatly. It was obvious really. "I think I agree." Jongin split into that breathtaking smile that always managed to make her feel like nothing in the world could ever be as good or pure as this right here.

            "So does that mean I can kiss you now?"

            "Hell yes."

            So he did.

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A/N

Hello everybody! I started this last night, I think this might be a record for me. Sorry I haven't been updating Death Stones, I started uni in February and I completely forgot AFF even existed and how much I miss it. I love all you guys, especially the awesome authors that keep me coming back even after all this time. Here, have some Seyeon a couple of years into HRT as a thank you (credit to original owners).

Panual Jongin is my everything.

Also, just to clear up all the confusion, the character Seyeon is a trans girl. She presented as male for most of her life and went by the name Sehun (which is the name her parents gave her) because for some reason people think having a makes you male and everyone just assumed. She gradually comes into her own throughout the story and makes the transformation from the facade of Sehun to her honest self, which is Seyeon.