tired mechanical heart; kai/krystal or ravi/euaerin | rating: pg-13, 773 words
she does not live, he comes to realize. she exists.

a/n: this is such a mess. ugh i hate this. title from lyrics of “shatter me”


the fear settles over him, slow and steady, invasive in the way it roots in his mind, burning in the pit of his stomach unwaveringly. he's afraid, but not sure what of, the reasons twisting up in his head in tangled knots. she, him, them - it's all the same, all paths leading to the same end.

fear.

(she, him, them)

afraid.


-


what are you thinking about?

the future, i guess. like… what’ll happen to me? to… us? being three?

we’ll be alright. i promise.

aren’t you scared?

of course. i’m always scared.


-


he sleeps fitfully, wakes up and falls asleep and wakes up again, a restless cycle that continues until the morning sun shines through his heavy eyelids. each time he is roused from sleep, he listens to the breathing next to him. not the even sounds of her sleeping, in and out, but shaky, shuddering breaths.

she is always awake.

(he forgets what even breathing, in and out, sounds like)


-


you don’t sleep anymore.

yeah.

why?

does there always have to be a reason?

don’t you understand, i’m scared. i care about you-

well maybe you care too much.

please-

no.


-


when he wakes up, she’s gone. she’s never there when light finally shines down on his closed lids, just an empty space next to him to remind him of what he’s missing. a cup of tea left by the kitchen counter is all that she leaves before heading off to work.

she comes back after nine hours to the remnants of a home quiet and still, her presence barely making a sound.


-


are you okay?

yeah, i’m fine.

are you sure?

yes.

are you-

please, just stop.


-


she exists on memories and memories only, fragments of what she used to be, little pieces of the past tucked in the nooks and crannies of her body. she closes her eyes, never sleeps, thinks.

memories.

(the time that they bought ice cream together, the time that they biked around in matching t-shirts, the time that she had laughed, head thrown back, smile giddy - these moments seem like memories from someone else’s life, someone more deserving and good. the remnants of a half-remembered dream.)

(but she never dreams.)


-


what do think her name should be?

i don’t know. i’ll go with whatever you want.

minyoung sounds nice, doesn’t it?

yeah. minyoung. our daughter.

yeah.


-


it feels like an eternal night with her, the darkness surrounding them in an isolated layer. perhaps he should get used to it, the absence of what they used to be, what they used to do, but the silence that he lives in - a tangible nightmare - is something that never ceases to haunt him.

he closes his eyes, repeats the words used to in her head, over and over. used to used to used to used-

used. that’s what he is (they are), empty and tired and worn out. he thinks of this as he goes through his monotonous day, the one thing to keep him from being numb.

worn out. too tired to go on any longer. used.


-


she’s dead.

you shouldn’t say-

she’s dead. she’s - our daughter - how - it’s all-

it’s okay, i promise. it’s not - we’ll be alright, i promise.

okay.


-


they never talk about what happened, instead lapsing into silence, hours spent in a quiet that is almost eerie in it’s completeness. there is so much he wants to say - so much he never says - the words bubbling up inside of him, almost ready to explode. she seldom speaks, just looks at him with shrewd eyes and nods her response to every cautious question asked.


-


i ran into your mother today at the supermarket.

oh.

she thinks you’re alright.

i am alright.

she - she said that we should consider adopting.

no. i mean - i don’t think-

it’s okay if you aren’t ready.


-


she does not live, he comes to realize. she exists. and her existence is a miracle in itself, the way she manages to put on a facade for the outer world and keep her anguish trapped within her safely.

(but sometimes it bleeds out, and that’s when it hurts her (him, them) the most)