Oppa did you know that....

When I first heard this song I immediately thought that Whoa! Jonghyun Oppa needs to hear this, because for sure you'd like the melody and how the sound would come off by playing it on the guitar. After a couple playbacks I found it ironic that somehow the lyrics were quite similar on what we,  no I experienced from this whole ruse. But despite of that I felt it in my heartthat you definitely had to listen to it.

And now I finally did.  What I didnt expect though was the circumstance that came along with it. 

Oppaaaaa Seungyeon said with her voice trembling and pained, tears were now streaming on her beautiful face. She paused midway to take breaths and compose herself, even from afar and with the absence of words Jonghyun could feel her heart breaking.

Oppa you would never know how I longed and pined for the day where you'd confess your heart to me or show me at least that you feel the same way. I was always usure of your intentions, you were very persistent and direct at first that I was confused if you were in it for the show, for a game, or you were in it for real. But eventually , slowly I found myself liking you all the more, I was letting you in even if I didnt want to. The worse part? I was falling for you and everyone in the world saw it. I was curious if you felt the same way too so I had to pry, with subtle jokes during the show. You gave out hints to but I really could not understand them at that time, so I waited even after the show ended and we became friends for a long time but still nothing. I found myself believing that at the end of this it was all of me and you were holding out because that was you, you were always kind, and perhaps you just didnt want to embarass me. But still I hoped...

I may be pure and innocent when it comes to these things but still I have had thoughts on how you would do it, I wanted you to do it, I would find myself moving forward then back again and then today... when you almost did..... I decided that.....it is, after all this time, IMPOSSIBLE. THIS?! isnt love oppa, THIS was all a mind game orchestrated by fate, loneliness, and unfinished goodbyes, I mean who are we kidding?! Lets stop being puppets by circumstance and coincidences. This has to stop at some point....arasso? 

Ive been in this route before oppa only through a different circumstance. Ive been promised some things and Ive worked hard in order to bind those promises together hopeful that one day theyd come into fruition that fate would be kind and orchestrate them to complement each other and finally let them bloom into the world as something new and promising. We both know that I wasnt so fortunate to have that and it took me awhile, lost a few parts of myself, doubted and even considered big changes and moves in order to heal and get back on my feet again.

So I did.

I moved into another company, did things blindly, I was ecstatic but extremely  terrified at the same time both at the rebellion and at the added uncertainty of things. And then I met you through that process. We shared moments together, got to know each other and felt a few butterflies here and there. I remember thinking before starting the show that I needed to be cautious, not to invest myself too much on what was happening. And I think or I hope you felt that. Initially, I was incredibly guarded and at times oblivious to what you were doing but at the end of the whole thing I was all in despite knowing how stupid and incredibly vulnerable the whole situation was. It was like training with SM all over again, I was wide eyed, hopeful that something would definitely come out of the entire situation, we both know that just like SM nothing did. And as the weeks have passed and we both became busy, you being swamped with your commitments and I had some time off and had the chance to watch reruns of the whole thing.

I saw us changing.

Both going on opposite directions, You exhausted with the whole thing and me all doe eyed and entranced.

We shared the same space in time but unfortunately we didnt share the same feelings anymore.

It was like starting a failed fire. We both were striking at the same point but on opposite routes both stubborn and keen to keep what they individually had in mind. Admittedly as I reached our last episode I was embarassed for myself because how could I become so blind on how you subtley grew tired of me, and how ironic was it that the entire world got to see it before I finally did?!

So life went on, projects piled up, additional distractions were made but I always remained hopeful oppa, that your focus would one day shift on us or whatever we had, I thought that you cant just throw a thing like that away but eventually the spaces went far and wide and I finally realized the one thing that I was denying myself of: I was at this alone,  at this whole play, I always was. I was actually so stupid for thinking that reel would become real. But just when I was no longer at odds with myself for being so meek and dumb,  fate decided to be cruel once again and we met here. 

The past few days were nice but Im not sure if I want to go through with this again.

I dont want to constantly look over my shoulder and at the dates in fear that today, tomorrow, or a week or two from now you would again realize that I am boring or tiring you out, worse wasting your time.

I dont know if I can go through it again, waiting when youll be indifferent to me next. 

I dont want to be around again this time when you realize that you no longer want me.

Upon seeing you I genuinely thought that fate was immensely cruel, wasnt it enough that my heart was picked on?! Eventually I realized that it wasnt, perhaps it was giving me a choice: to choose you or me. To have a do over.

Before, though I was terrified on how the whole thing would turn out I decided to choose YOU without you even knowing it. 

This time around however Oppa, I am choosing myself. I am done waiting on people, I am done being passed around this time, I decided finally that I am enough.

Oppaaaaaa... please dont take this the wrong way.

Remember that fortune that we came across in Japan?

"Trust him he is a good person" . And so I did.  Thank you for showing me kindness oppa, perhaps I turned out a bit greedy and

wanted more thats why things turned out to be like this.

 For all the memories and the life lessons, kahmsamnida oppa. 

Tears were streaming down Jonghyuns face, his mind went blank, his heart hollow, he was shutting down, for a brief moment he forgot that he could open his eyes now. He was in pain but all the more she. It was unbearable.

 Her words, the things she went through and how well she hid it. 

When he finally opened his eyes ready to look at her. He desperately wanted to let her know that he was here now, a bit late, yes. But he was here and he was not going anywhere. That he never grew tired of her, he was exhausted from all the work yes, the pretense that came along with it and the irrational demands of some disturbed fans but he could never think of her as wasted space, she always was his breath of fresh air. His mind was always eleswhere and occasionally his thoughts were muddled up but deep in his heart and his mind he always held a special place for that brown eyed girl wearing the blue coat. 

In an instant as his lids fluttered open, triggered by the memory of seeing that girl once again before him. 

He opened his eyes.

She, was gone.