GD POV

Ras-le-bol (French)

To be done, or fed up; a feeling of despair

Summer marched through and by the time I realized it, it’s already over. Just like my relationship with Kiko, that particular her. Our relationship was the sun, the moon, and the stars for me. The light that keep me alive, the satellite that keep me grounded.

I can’t re-create the first time(s) I promise to love her. I cannot relive the sensation of fear, admiration, self-consciousness, passion, and desire all mixed into one because with her, it never happens twice. I chase it like the first high for the rest of my life. The one spontaneous moment, the split second that I took the leap, when my heart was racing and my mind was muddled with What ifs?—that moment—never happen the same way. Numerous times we have broken up, but each and every time I got back with her the first time happens all over again. She always gives me new impression that makes me fall in love with a new but familiar person within her. At least, that’s the way I remember it.

And thus, everything seems better in a memory. My memory.

Actually, I can never get away from her. Only now I am tired of it. I am weary. I am worn down and worn out and worn through. Simply put, I fed up with her. And only when I finally allow myself to accept in this tiredness, I let go of this thread of feelings that let me hold on to her. That’s when the feeling moves on. It does not collapse; it is not whisked away.

It simply moves on.

All things pass. None of us can manage to hold on to anything. In that way, we live our lives.

And here I am, living my busy life. Staring at Seoul’s highway in a midsummer night give me a slight moment of zen. I stopped myself from thinking and breathe and checked my phone. The last katalk message is from Ji Eun:

You’re dope Ji Yong oppa-nim

I smile to myself. She always has a good comeback, Ji Eun I mean. Never stray out of what deemed appropriate of our relationship as a colleague, fellow musician, still maintaining the context of our former conversation, has familiarity, and witty. Exact opposite of awkward, the word she always used when describing herself. I don’t even know how and why she considers herself awkward.

“How’s my schedule for this week?” I asked my manager

“Not much. Weekend concert’s for sure, but you have plenty of time in between in the weekdays. Besides you said you need to go to Jeju,” he said.

“In between in the weekdays? Means I have to do other things?” I ask. I stretched myself so far this summer and that’s still not enough for me to cover all of the schedules for this cycle of promos. I still have other things to do, Jeju café, catching up with the guys, meeting Ji Eun…..

“Oh yes. Were you not in the meeting?” He asks, raising one eyebrow, half-mocking. 

“Is that sarcasm?” I ask him back.

“You’re so preoccupied with her that you forgot your schedules already,” he says while looking at me from the side mirror.

“I said overtime that I already moved on,” I glare back at him using side mirror.

“Not her. Her, white box her. Aren’t you asking about your schedules so you can go meet her this week?” He asks.

“I have to go to Jeju,” I answer, half-heartedly.

 “That was fast, Ji Yong. A bit too fast for moving on after years of relationship, I always thought,” he says, doesn’t seem to get what I just said to him, I thought, before he continues, “Jeju or not, I hope you realise that you’re trying to hit her because it looks so obvious to me. All the talks, phone calls, and look you had at her, not to mention the gift…. I’ve seen it before, you know? It’s just, you and I both know everything could end up very wrong….”

“What is so wrong with forming a friendship with a colleague? Aren’t you a bit reaching? Besides I suppose you have no right to my personal issue,” I cut him.

“You’re a grown up man and I know you can think and act for the best.”

“Let’s keep it professional. I prefer it that way,” I said. A bit worked up and I don’t even know why.

“You need to shoot a promo for Airbnb event this Tuesday”

“Remind me tomorrow.”

That’s the last thing I said to him before we met again at Tuesday. I don’t even say good night and see you when he drop me at my apartment. Again, I don’t even know why. His words echoed in my brain for days.

…you’re trying to hit her…

As time passed, I only got more pissed. How and why do he sees my relationship with Ji Eun that way? I mean, this, whatever this is, is a normal thing. Everybody in the industry give back to each other after doing a collaboration or any kind of work together and forming a friendship with fellow colleague is a given. Half of my circle formed that way. Heck, Seungri does it with Ji Eun. Why can I not?

When I have my breakfast Tuesday morning, Youngbae is showing up at my apartment. Beaming of sunlight like his stage name he grab a seat at my sofa, across where I’m savouring my simple breakfast.

“Don’t tell me you’re eating truffles with toast?” he asks as he grabs the morning paper.

“Good Morning? And I can eat whatever I want however I want,” I say.

“Crossed much?” he says, peeking from the newspaper that he read. I just shot an I-don’t-care look at him. “Heard you’re so crossed at Soonho hyung last time.”

“Are you here to eat breakfast with me or ruin my morning with your nagging? Seeing as you’re not even trying to walk to the kitchen, I suppose you’re here for the later.”

“I’m just saying. Why so sensitive?” he asks as he puts down the newspaper. “I just got back from a breakfast with Hyorin and drop her at her office. Thought I can come by here so I just drove here.”

“Whatever,” I finished my toast and gulp a glass of cold pressed orange juice. “I have some of this at the refrigerator if you want,” I say while pointing out to the OJ.

“Sure. What time is your shoot?” he asks.

“Hmm around noon. Soonho hyung will pick me at 11. Why?”

“Just asking. Not in the mood of going back to my apartment or studio and I have a lunch date,” he answers, now rummaging piles of magazine.

“Stay here, then.”

“Yeah that’s why I’m here,” he smiles. “Should I give you a ride to your shooting location?”

“That’s what friends are for, Thanks,” I say, giving him a high five. He’s the best, you know. I don’t care and I don’t know if he’s just being kind but not letting me stuck with Soonho hyung after our last drive is something I gladly thank him for. “What’s with today’s news?”

“Just usual politics and economics matters. Hey do you have some coffee?” he ask.

“Yup, I’ve some milk if you want latte,” I say while checking my iPad.

“You’re not having your morning coffee?”

“Can you please, a dear friend of mine, make me one cup of hot Americano if you don’t mind? I brewed the espresso already”

“Just what I thought.”

“Thanks again, best.”

“Hey Ji, what’s this?”

“This what?” I’m still checking emails on my iPad.

“A white box on top of your kitchen table.”

“A gift,” I say simply.

“Hmm a big one gift. From a fan I supposed?” he asks.

“It’s from me, and no not related to fan at all.”

“Hope she’s not becoming your sponge girl. Nobody deserves to be a sponge girl, o