Date: May 24th 2011
Location: YG Dance Studio
Time: 2:30PM

I woke up in my own bed the next morning, not remembering how I got there. I was still in my clubbing attire, but there were signs that someone took care of me the night before. That person even left a pack of Advil on my bedside table in anticipation of my terrible hangover. Despite feeling awful, I smiled at what I saw and sent Jiyong a text to thank him.

We became visibly closer after that night. The invites to eat together with the group were more frequent and I even exchanged texts with Jiyong every once in a while. I could feel Jen eyeing me every time I interacted with the members. It was as if she couldn’t figure out which one of them I liked and who liked me. I secretly found it hilarious, but wouldn’t say anything whenever she bugged me about it.

Although my social life was progressing greatly, every other aspect of my life was slowly falling apart. With the pressure of the competition weighing on me, I started to lose my appetite and was unable to sleep properly. I usually handled stress pretty well, but against a strong rival and with my future at stake, I felt myself slowly unraveling.

It became all too much that day.

“Yah, are you okay?” Jen stood next to me as I panted hard, brows furrowed with concern. She bent down to look at me and handed me a towel. “Why are you so out of breath?”

“I-I’m fine,” I sat down and tried very hard to steady my vision. The room was spinning slightly and I took a large gulp of water, hoping this would pass.

“You look pale, and we just started,”

“I’m… just cramping,” I winced, unable to lie anymore. Truth was, I just got my period this morning and the cramping was unusually painful. A painkiller would usually do the trick, but I hadn’t had enough time to get any before I had to rush to practice.

“Will you be fine? I can go get you Advil.”

“Please don’t, I’ll manage,” I reassured her. “I don’t want to make a fuss - I’ll let you know if it gets too painful, okay?”

She looked unconvinced, but nodded anyways.

We all got up instinctively when Dan walked towards his laptop to start the music again. I breathed in and out deeply and headed slowly towards my position next to Jiyong. He smiled at me when I neared and I tried my best to look completely fine.

The music began and we all moved to the beat in synchrony. I never noticed it so intensely before, but this song was so fast. I had so much trouble keeping up and felt myself falling out of sync. Dan clapped to the beat loudly to assist me, but no matter how hard I try, I was a beat behind. Annoyed, Dan stopped the music.

“Zoe, you’re a whole beat behind everyone else.”

I was so out of breath that I could only stare at Dan, speechless.

“What the hell is going on?” he continued, “We did not let you in the team, so you could drag everyone down. If you can’t catch up, you should’ve practiced harder on your own time. Look at Seohee, she’s got the choreography down to every minute detail. The comeback is next week - we can’t afford to not be perfect.” He is clearly getting more angry as he spoke, and my lack of reaction was fuelling his fire.

“Why aren’t you responding? Do you think I’m wrong?!” he took a step forward.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me and instead of feeling heat rush to my face like I usually would, I felt colder. I took a step back and bumped into Jiyong. He grabbed my arms to steady me. His eyes widened - I suspected that he felt just how cold I was.

“Zoe…” he looked at me.

Meanwhile, Dan was still berating me.

“Dan,” Jen stepped up, unable to take it anymore. “She’s not feeling -”

“No, you need to stop coddling and babying her. This is why she...”

I couldn’t breathe. Dan’s voice was drowned by the sound of my thumping heartbeat and a loud ringing in my ears. I gasped and clutched my chest.

“Zoe!” Jiyong called out. “Zoe!” He frantically tried to hold me up, as I grew limp in his arms. “Can you guys just shut up for a second?! I think she’s having a panic attack.”

“Oppa,” I said between gasping breaths. I clutched his arm for support, but I couldn’t find any strength. Through blurred vision, I saw people rushing towards me. Suddenly, I couldn’t hear anything anymore. It felt like I was underwater; everything seemed slowed, muffled, and I felt so heavy. My legs gave way and then, blackness.

When I regained consciousness, I found myself in the hospital. I was in a communal room with several other patients and was hooked onto an IV drip. I blinked, struggling to adjust to the stark lighting of the room. My body felt a lot better – at least I was no longer in pain, but I still felt weak.

“Nurse?” I croaked. I cleared my throat several times and called out, “Nurse?”

“Oh my God, she’s awake!” Jen rushed to my side and grabbed my hand. “Thank God. Do you know how much you scared everyone back there?”

I smiled at her weakly, glad that I was not alone. I looked past her and saw Kim and Dan lingering behind her. Dan had a particularly guilty expression on his face.

“What’s wrong with me?”

“The doctor said your body was overworked. Apparently, your body couldn’t handle the amount of exercise you were doing, because you were starving yourself.” Jen explained, frowning. “I’ve never seen you like this, Zoe. What happened?”

“I don’t know… I guess I was too stressed out, and didn’t take good care of myself,” I admitted sheepishly, avoiding her intense gaze.

“Zoe!” She exclaimed and started to scold me, “You know better than to –“

Kim stopped her by grabbing her arm, shooting her a glare and said, “Not now, unnie.” She turned to look at Dan, and nudged him

He stepped forward and looked at me with such remorse that I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “Sunbae, why are you staring at me like I have cancer?”

He sighed mumbled, “I’m sorry, Zoe – for yelling, I mean. I should’ve known that something was off. I guess I was just too tense because of the comeback.” I could tell he didn’t do apologies very often, and especially, not to a junior. It was sort of adorable to see him all awkward like that.

“I’m glad you knew that,” Jen scoffed, and gave him an air punch.

“Yah, you’re ruining my apology!”

I laughed and shook my head helplessly at their bickering.

They stayed for a little longer until I had to go do a routine body check. Right before Kim left, she waited until the others were outside the room before saying, “You should have seen how Jiyong oppa reacted when you passed out in his arms. He freaked out.”

“What?” Why is she telling me this? I felt myself blushing instantly.

“Why’d you think Dan came here personally to apologize? Someone had to get his sorry here to do it.”

“It… it wasn’t Jen?” I asked. It was almost a rhetorical question.

She mouthed no and winked at me before waving goodbye.

--

I woke up at soft sounds of someone entering the room. I opened my eyes gently and saw that it was already nighttime. I shifted my gaze from the window to the door where I saw a man wearing a black mask peering at every bed. When he reached mine, his eyes widened in surprise.

“Zoe?” he called out to me softly, afraid to disturb the other patients. “Why are you awake? Did I wake you?”

“Jiyong oppa?” I whispered, surprised to see him there.

He quickly walked up to my bed and closed the curtains around it. Sitting at the edge, he pulled down his mask and ruffled his hair. “How are you? Are you feeling better?” he asked.

I nodded, speechless. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. The fact that he was here lifted my moods instantly.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, chuckling slightly. He stared at me with what I could only describe as an affectionate gaze, and said, “I’m glad you’re okay. You had us all worried sick.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and I truly was. I knew it was my fault for not taking care of myself, and that brought on unnecessary stress to the entire team. “You must have been shocked,” I added, remembering what Kim said earlier.

He sighed and handed me a paper bag with several bottles of vitamin supplements in it. “These are for you. Take them regularly.”

I stared at them, unable to speak once again.

I was very moved by his kind gesture. It had been four years since I had been away from my family. Although my parents tried very hard to keep in touch with me through phone calls and Skype, my busy schedule and their work made it difficult to communicate often. I had to become independent so quickly when I became a trainee, and I almost forgot what it felt like to be taken care of. It really meant a lot to me that someone – here in Seoul – cared about me like that.

“Thanks,” I finally smiled and said, “You didn’t have to do this. You’re too kind.”

He shook his head and smiled back. I looked at him and took in his handsome features. It was hard for me to ignore my feelings, and I finally had to admit that I like him a lot. My feelings for him had gone beyond the usual admiration and respect that an ordinary girl has towards her idol. There was a burning desire to be with him and own him somehow. It was greedy, but I couldn’t help myself. It amazed me how I could possibly feel so much attraction towards a man I’d only known for less than a month. The fact that there were signs that he reciprocated my feelings only encouraged me. At that moment, I felt tempted to confront him, but eventually decided against it.

We chatted until visitation hours were over. He had to rush to the airport for another schedule, and gave me a lingering hug before he left. I tossed and turned in bed that night, unable to sleep. Questions flooded my mind, as I tried to figure out how to deal with my newfound and serious crush on Kwon Jiyong.