Lu Han slowly closes his eyes when Jongin’s breath comes across his cheek. The nearness almost suffocates him.  It doesn’t take long until he feels a pair of lips pressed against his face—warm and gentle. It’s as if the younger male is being careful not to lean too much. There is hesitation not because Jongin is afraid to kiss him but because he might lose his sanity if he goes further. Lu Han senses the pair of lips curving upwards, forming a smile, as he remains silent and motionless. Jongin is now getting further with his actions—his hands resting on Lu Han’s shoulders. His heart is beating wildly as he inhales Lu Han’s scent. He laughs in his mind thinking how the older one will approve it if he says he smells so manly. Jongin wishes he could say it out loud and hear Lu Han’s little chuckles. But he’s currently lost in an overwhelming thought: kissing Lu Han and feeling his soft skin against his lips.

 With eyes still shut, the older one slowly lifts his arm towards Jongin and places his hand on the latter’s chest to push him away before the situation gets out of hand. Jongin quickly opens his eyes and is forced to sit back on the car seat. He looks away, a little embarrassed while Lu Han just coughs the awkwardness away.

“You’re silly,” murmurs the older one as he starts the car. His voice pours out composure and maturity which bothers Jongin a little. Too calm and almost unaffected. Jongin just gulps hardly and looks away. The rest of the journey to Lu Han’s apartment (yes, he still decided to push through with the apartment plan) is filled with silence and tension; Lu Han focuses on the road while Jongin gazes at the busy streets of the city. After the longest thirty minutes, they finally arrive at Lu Han’s place. His private room is situated at the seventh floor of the building. So not to attract attention or get caught by paparazzi, they pass through the back door that only VIP can get access to. Good thing, one of the security officers is a good friend of Lu Han. They are able to get inside without hassle. Lu Han’s apartment is a single-room space with modern accent to it. Like his office, there’s not much furniture or colorful decorations. The only evident colors that stand out from the beige wall as a background are the grey and turquoise combination of throw pillows on the couch. Overall, it’s simple-styled, minimalist-inspired and neat.

Jongin follows as Lu Han paces to the living room. “Sit down,” says the older one, pointing at the couch and signaling Jongin to make himself comfortable. Jongin nods weakly and sits—his eyes are wandering around the place. Before he knows it, Lu Han disappeared in his sight. He panics a little and rises to his feet until he heard Lu Han calling out from the other side of the area. “Just a moment. I’ll make some tea for you. Or do you want coffee?”

Jongin doesn’t reply. Instead, he looks around to find where the voice comes from. He walks towards the area, parallel to the living room and next to the huge glass window and finds Lu Han in a small kitchen, brewing tea. In careful steps, Jongin walks towards him and halts behind Lu Han, just a few meters away from the latter. He’s not sure if it’s his imagination, but Jongin notices Lu Han flinched a little when turned slightly and realized the younger one behind him.

“I love you. I still do.”

Lu Han shakes his head a little. Hurriedly, he pours the hot water in the cup and carelessly swings around when Jongin calls his name. His composure dies out and he spills the drink all over Jongin’s shirt. Good thing, he is fast to recover the cup before it falls. Jongin groans—brows puckered, biting his lower lip when he felt his skin burns because of the hot tea. He takes a couple of steps backwards while taking off his shirt. “I’m sorry,” states Lu Han right away. He looks around and grabs the tissue on the rack. He immediately hands it to Jongin and apologizes once more. While holding his stained shirt, Jongin raises his head to meet Lu Han’s concerned expression. When the former realizes that he basically just took off his clothes in front of Lu Han, who despite not avoiding the sight looks uncomfortable, his eyes grow bigger like how a thief looks after being caught. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

“I’ll get a shirt for you,” says Lu Han, walking pass by him. Jongin’s eyes follow him as he enters what seems to be his bedroom across the room. Jongin hesitantly follows him. He is scared, feeling his heart rapidly beating. He starts sweating while his hands squirm in uneasiness. “Here,” Lu Han finally speaks, revealing a clean white shirt. He extends his arm, waiting for Jongin to get it but the latter is just staring back at him, not sure what to think or to do. Lu Han frowns a little and moves closer so he can hand it to Jongin.

“Thanks,” mutters the latter, finally grabbing the shirt from Lu Han—his eyes didn’t leave the older one’s face. Instead of putting it on, he just holds it and continues to stare at Lu Han like a lost child. Lu Han finally thinks it’s better for them to get out and settle in the living room. He is now getting affected just by the way Jongin looks at him. “Jongin,” he says, holding his voice right just before it drops and discloses how apprehensive he is. He looks back at Jongin with a straight face. It’s supposed to be a warning, but Jongin didn’t waver; his full attention is on Lu Han and Lu Han alone. There is a long period of eye contact—the charcoal, deep-set eyes against the bright, chestnut ones.

“Let’s talk in the living room, Jongin.”

Jongin remains quiet. One step forward.

Lu Han’s eyes drop on the floor, “Let’s figure out how you can turn back to your real self and find Laogao.”

Another step forward from Jongin. “I know you just want everything to go back to normal. But why do you sound like in a rush to throw me away?” The words are bitter and painful.

Lu Han immediately lifts his head—guilt evident in his face. No, that’s not it.

Jongin stands there in front of him—the distance so small that Lu Han automatically inclines his head away. But Jongin moves farther until he gets a hold of Lu Han’s shoulders, “Do you want me gone?”

“Jongin---“

“You know what? It takes a lot from me not to hug you and kiss you and have you for myself, Lu Han,” states Jongin, his voice now louder and with a hint of desperation. The next lines are filled with longing, almost pleading tone. “It takes a lot from me not to touch you, and stare at you. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I am losing my mind for hoping that you-that you somehow have feelings for me, too. Even just a little. I mean, it is possible right? I don’t want to think that you’re the kind of person who just lets go of the person you like…or or even love because it’s wrong in the eyes of the people? It’s possible, we’re possible, right?.”

Lu Han purses his lips tightly and does his best not to say anything. Well, not until Jongin rests his head on his shoulder and starts sobbing. His instinct pushes him to embrace the younger one with all his might while whispering to him to stop. He says sorry softly as he rakes his fingers on Jongin’s hair. With Jongin slowly shifting his head to meet Lu Han’s lips, the older one realizes something.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, Jongin.” His voice still deep but now, there’s no restraint in his words.

All walls constricting his feelings have been climbed—all pretenses crumbling.

He tried not to fall into the state where he couldn’t turn back and think straight.