y'all i was drunk when i wrote this k

Jimin stared bleakly down at his palms; they were scratched and blood stained, but were the furthest thing on his mind currently. How could he have let Namjoon do that horrible thing? The one thing that would determine his fate in life? He let Namjoon take away his one true soulmate, his jams. Now, like the factionless, he was nothing. He had nothing to live for, nothing to protect. What the point of life without his jams? The jams with such a beautiful clear jar to protect the precious intestines of smashed-up strawberry. He thought he would never be able to live again.

But that was until he met Taehyung.

Jimin had been at the local graveyard where Abraham Lincoln was buried because he needed to seek wisdom from the old monkey-dude’s dead soul. What to do without a soulmate was his question. (He didn’t end up getting an answer). He was just there, lying dismally against Lincoln’s gravestone thinking about his jams which Rap Monster had taken away from him, with the two moving away to Mexico and officially changing their names to Pedro and Monicana when a youth walked towards him.

“Whaddya want…” Jimin said without looking up.

“I know how to get your jams back,” the man said with a voice that sounded oddly like Abrahams.

“Wait… how’d you know I lost my jams??”

“Because, inside this ing handsome body, I am Lincoln’s soul,” he replied

“What the ,”

“Don’t worry, Taehyung’s soul is still in here, he’s just biting my own soul’s foot right now for taking away his former handsome body,”

“Uh,”

“Do not fear, Park JimJam, we will find your soulmate for he is located in Paris, Mexico and he is still healthy and safe,”

“Oh my god, Abrahamchops, thank you so much, let’s go right now!!!”

“SILENCE BOY, WE CANNOT GO RIGHT NOW. TODAY IS THE FULL MOON AND THE WEREHORSES WILL BE ROAMING; THERE’S AN EXTREMELY TERRIFYING ONE CALLED J-HORSE AND HE WANTS YOUNG BLOOD LIKE YOUR OWN”

“Holy mother ing , this j-horse guy sounds frightening as , let’s go tomorrow then” JimJam replied with a new sense of hope.

“GOOD! Now, take me to the pub and let’s drink some jam wine to celebrate!”

“Okay Abrahamham, there’s a great one called the Sugar Tea bar, but I hear that the owner is grouchy as ,”

“All is well, all is well, take me to this SuUUgar PeE bar AND LET’S GO GET HUNGOVERRRRRR” Taehyung/Abraham hollered like he was already drunk but Jimin just grinned. He seemed like a nice guy to JimJam

They walked at a fast pace while listening to exid songs (it turned out that Jimin was very talented at twerking to their songs and Taehyung watched with lust-filled eyes at his until Jimin smacked his head and told him not to stare). They arrived just as the full moon set and they heard the neighing and whinnying of the so-heard ‘J-horse’. To prevent themselves from being massacred by j-horse, they quickly evacuated into the Sugar Tea bar.

The air was very warm and the two practically threw themselves into the counter.

“Oh. It’s you again,” a man said suddenly out of nowhere.

Taehyung and Jimin looked up to see a short raven-haired man with a scowl that seemed to be permanently etched into his face.

“UH, I DON’T THINK I’VE SEEN YOU BEFORE BUT I’M ABRAHAM TAEHYUNG,”

“Uh, I don’t really care but okay,”

“YA KNOW, YOU’RE REALLY SHORT,”

Taehyung suddenly felt himself being pushed up against the counter and he flailed around for a second before noticing that the so called ‘Suga’ was pinning him there.

“Did. You. Just. Call. Me Short,”

“I’M SORRY, DID IT OFFEND YOU, I THINK I MEANT TEENY WEENY”

“That’s it, you er,” and Suga pulled out a chainsaw

“HOLY MOTHER ING HORSE CRAP”

Suga smirked with malice and repeated “Did I just hear you say ‘horse’,”

Suga snapped his fingers twice and out of nowhere the window was crashing over and a horse ran threw.

“OHMYGOD JIMIN LOOK, IT’S J-HORSE IN ALL HIS GLORY”

Jimin stared up from his drink; he had been staring sadly at the jam poster on the wall and his eyes widened like exid Hani’’s shape.

“TAEHYUNG WAIT TAEHYUNG, I’LL SAVE YOUUUUUUUUUU”

And Jimin grabbed the nearest waiter who had a nametag with ‘Seokjin’ on it and threw the person at J-horse. ‘Seokjin’ screamed a very nice princess scream and crashed into the huge horse.

The horse looked at Seokjin for a second and stopped whinnying. He transformed back into a human and held Seokjin up.

“I think I’m in love,” J-horse said softly, and he caressed Seokjin’s cheek gently.

And Seokjin, like the good little pink princess he was, leaned into his touch causing J-horse to smile a huge teeth-filled gummy smile.

“NOW, MY BOOTIFUL PINK PRINCESS, WE SHALL GO TO MEXICO AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE LOTS OF HORSE-HUMAN BABIES WHO WILL LATER ON FORM A GROUP CALLED EXO,” and the couple ran outside of the pub.

But Jimin noticed one word in particular. MEXICO.

“WAIT WAIT J-HORSE, TAKE ME WITH YOU,”

“BE GONE, PEASANT,” and J-horse grabbed Suga’s chainsaw and ed it into Jimin’s balls.

Jimin dies.

The end.

im not even sorry