aeternum vale.
farewell forever.

Firstly, I just want to say a huge thanks to all of you reading this and especially to the kodawari fam for the helpful feedback and support which made this story a reality. It’s been quite a while since I’ve last written anything solely for creative purposes, so it took a while to kickstart my writing style again. Slightly amazed that I actually managed to complete this one-shot in this amount of time (roughly two weeks), but I think I’m pretty happy with how it turned out (definitely would not have been possible without the extension generously granted by stellarcania).

The following endnotes are just here to explain my reasoning and meaning behind the story, but some things were purposely left a little vague so you, the reader, could interpret it however you wished. I wanted to try something new when I started planning this story and tried my hand at using an unreliable narrator and the art of misdirection. (It's pretty similar to Snape in Harry Potter. The reader is purposely misled to believe him to be a baddie, but you're given a revelation later that changes your perspective of him.)

A lot of time and research went into this particular story. The setting is based off of an actual Serbian asylum news report  but set during the 1900s - the age of lobotomies. A lobotomy is a now-extinct practice (thank goodness) which involves cutting off pieces of a mentally ill person's frontal lobe in order to reduce the severity of their affliction. There are two methods for lobotomies. Drilling into the patient's skull and digging out pieces of the brain (as seen in L's first lobotomy) or using an icepick to enter through the roof of the eye's bony orbit to reach the brain (seen in L's first and second lobotomy). It was seen to be incredibly effective but with a high mortality rate, which eventually caused it to be outlawed.

While the lobotomy was seen to be an effective procedure, it often left patients severely brain damaged or in a listless state, which is what happened to L. You can read more about the history of the lobotomy here.

The importance of the lobotomy procedure becomes increasingly important as the story progresses. The story begins in media res - in the middle of things. "the end" is a continuation of "the beginning." The quote at the beginning of "the beginning" (ha) - there's no beginning, no end - purposefully excludes the conjunction "and" in reference to the "and" part of the story, showing that only the "and" part is reality. There is no beginning, no end because L was already dead during that time, but he had not yet realized the reality of death yet. Both "the beginning" and "the end" take place after the events of "and."

At the end of the story, you might realize that the title "finding bones (and a dead man)" is actually a dead giveaway. L literally found a dead man - himself - after he found his bones (basically, his mind, his memories. "He's a dead man with no corpse" refers to L in the asylum. Neglected, insane, and empty, he's a dead man in all but the physical sense. "He's a skeleton with no bones" speaks about how in the end, L is actually dead, but he hasn't realized it yet (he hasn't found his "bones" yet). And in the end, Sungyeol is the one who has them in his hands (I elaborate more on this at the very end of the endnotes in "the end" section). 

As for inspiration, I was first inspired by the idea of bones from T.S. Eliot's poem. I guess you could interpret L as the dead man who "lost his bones" in the asylum. I also used Myungsoo's gif from Infinite's "Bad" MV to create the idea of Myungsoo, who appears to be there (but the mirror shows that he isn't). This could apply both to L and Myungsoo, each in their own ways. Myungsoo, who thought he was there, but never was and L, who was there (as in, that he was the original person) but didn't seem to be. 

Before I get into the actual story, I just wanted to touch on a few things like extra inspiration, stylistics, writing style, title, etc. I drew a good amount of inspiration from Tokyo Ghoul and Kaneki Ken (basically, a character who suffers from serious mental issues), articles about actual asylums, and creepy music. Stylistics-wise, the italics in "the beginning" were purposely split apart to show the scattered bits of what remains of L's mind, as well as his different sides of thought. I definitely used a lot of parentheses throughout the story as well, but these parentheses hold a lot of meaning to the plot. But the one thing I really want to point out is the progression of L's thoughts and dialogue in "and." It begins in pure lapslock sans punctuation, and L's greeting to Myungsoo with proper capitalization and punctuation is there to mark a shift in the dynamic between L and Myungsoo (but note that it's properly capitalized here mostly because Myungsoo is inside his mind at this point, which is where L is the "strongest"). L's thoughts in Myungsoo's mind get a kind of "upgrade" with punctuation now to also denote an increase in L's presence. The is when L physically gains control of his body again and greets Sungyeol sans italics. The use of italics shows L when he's no more than a thought and incorporeal person in Myungsoo's mind. When he greets Sungyeol without italics, it goes to show that he has fully gained control of his own body and that it was L, not Myungsoo, who killed Sungyeol. He reverts back to italics during the lobotomy, where I also used a 'stream of consciousness' technique variation to convey his mental state in his last conscious moments. 

To all the grammar nazis bothered by my writing: sorry. Here, (and pretty much in my writing style), I used comma splices to portray fragmented thoughts of the characters as well as to give off a more "poetic" feel at some parts. I also included a mix of fragments for emphasis and long run-ons to mimic a natural, running thought process. So yeah, I broke a couple grammar rules for the greater rhetoric good. Continue reading below for a more in-depth analysis and personal (intended) interpretation of the story itself. It won't be entirely comprehensive (I'll try to be though) nor will it point out every significant detail - pretty much just my commentary on my favorite parts and the main gist of the plot. 

the beginning

There's nothing much to say here because it's a very short prologue, but there are a couple of very obscure hints for all those science nerds out there. All the descriptions used include signs of the actual stages in the process of decomposition to hint very subtly that he's rotting, and therefore, already dead. 

and

I think one of the biggest giveaways as you look back in retrospect after the revelation that L was the original person, not Myungsoo (thus, Myungsoo is an unreliable narrator) is the line: Myungsoo's life begins in a twelve by ten foot box. 

Myungsoo "is born" in the asylum after L's lobotomy. When he awakes, he exhibits all the typical symptoms of a patient who recently underwent the procedure such as the confusion and forgetfulness. As Jess pointed out while reviewing the draft (quite brilliantly), Myungsoo only speaks one line throughout the story, and it's much later in the plot, showing that he's in a listless state, unable to really speak, sitting in his room like an empty shell.

If you really want to look deeper into it, the phrase "drowning out all of his thoughts, all of his sanity, all of himself," can also be seen in retrospect as a hint that Myungsoo is nothing more than a thought that was born as an after-effect of the lobotomy. He's not the real, original person. L is. 

There are plenty of subtle lines that also hint at the existence of what Myungsoo thinks is a "person living in the back of his mind." L is slowly introduced to the reader as a malicious "thing" in the back of Myungsoo's mind. Of course, we know this later to be untrue since Myungsoo is more of an usurper living in L's body, but in the first reading, L comes off as nothing more than a sinister antagonist. 

You can first begin seeing hints of L's presence in Myungsoo's mind. One example here:

When he awakens the next day, he finds that he is not alone.

It starts as a chill down his spine when a man in scrubs walks in, 

One would first assume that by the words, "he finds that he is not alone," Myungsoo means Sungyeol who walks into the room that morning and that the chill down his spine is because of his fear of Sungyeol at first (when he thinks he sees a monster). However, there's one line later on that also puts a new perspective on these words. 

Sungyeol feels a chill creep up his neck when Myungsoo bends his head back.

This repeition of the chill at both parts show that by the words, "he finds that he is not alone," Myungsoo actually means L, who he can begin to feel in the back of his mind. L's presence is heralded by a chill in both males, showing a common connection. 

Myungsoo also experiences little flashes of L's thoughts, such as when Sungyeol first enters the room and the ramblings in italics (such as when Sungyeol is first about to give him the intraocular injection). Along with italics, other things associated with L in this fic are the ringing in Myungsoo's ears and the throbbing in his head (which in "the end," you can infer that the ringing is actually a result of L screaming in his head). 

With the information about L's lobotomy, you can tell that his aversion to the intraocular injections and both Myungsoo's and L's crazed ramblings about eyes come from the after-effects of the surgery, somewhat like a trauma. I also used this to reflect the popular saying: "The eyes are the window to the soul." It's a recurring theme along with the symbol of eyes throughout this work. The throbbing in Myungsoo's eyes because of L, the lobotomy procedure concerning the eyes, and most importantly, one of my most favorite parts in here: 

His mirror self greets him with a crimson smile of poison.

“Hello, Myungsoo.”

Then he digs his nails into Myungsoo’s eyes, and Myungsoo slowly begins fading into nothing. 

L stabbing Myungsoo's eyes is a symbolic shift, showing that he is starting to take control by attacking Myungsoo's very being, his "soul." Thus, Myungsoo's demise begins from there. Of course, there are many more eye references scattered throughout the story, both explicitly and implicitly. 

As stated in this part as well, "Myungsoo" is not his real name. Officially, he's just tagged with a random  ID number by the asylum, and the one letter "L" represents the remnant of who he once was as well. In the end, he never truly remembers his original name, showing how much he has lost himself (tying it in with the "finding" part of the title). 

General paresis is an actual mental illness (now curable) that is often brought about by the STD syphilis. It can be contracted through the mother as well, so as seen in "the end" part, L inherited the disease from his mother, who was also taken away to the asylum. I based descriptions of Myungsoo's insanity off of general paresis of the insane, which you can read about more if you're interested by clicking on the link.At the time this story was set in, general paresis was incurable and patients would often succumb to the madness and die, incapacitated.  

Later, when Myungsoo has another mental episode after discovering the hole in his head (and consequently, some of the memories from the surgery) and Sungyeol puts him to sleep with a tranquilizer, Myungsoo finds himself in a sort of dreamscape of his mind, filled with inky black, from which rises L. This is the reader's first formal introduction to L, and it also marks the growing influence L begins to have over Myungsoo's sanity and mind. In "the end," the reader also sees from L's perspective about having "woken up" from the surgery to find himself locked within his own mind. He slowly begins to wear down Myungsoo until the point where he rises from the black. L's ramblings of "give it back" also hint that L was the original person when he uses "back." Myungsoo waking up to find his hands around his neck shows that he's slowly losing control and his hold on himself (as seen by his black-outs of long periods of time too).

I did not emphasize much on the myungyeol otp here because their relationship here isn't one of romance, affection, or love. It's not even that close to friendship. Rather, I wanted to portray Sungyeol as a new caretaker who wholeheartedly devotes himself to the wellbeing of his patient. It could be seen as a sort of doctor's pride in which he would do anything to cure a patient. This type of view isn't very logical or realistic, showing that Sungyeol is committed to the point where it's a folly. He refuses to accept the reality that the first lobotomy has failed, and he insists on telling himself that Myungsoo is okay, even though he's obviously not. This is because, as mentioned later, the survival and success rate of a second lobotomy is low, and even if it worked, it would pretty much rob Myungsoo/L of who he is. Sungyeol doesn't want his patient to die, and he doesn't want to consider any of those possibilities.

However, it doesn't end well for him when L finally greets Sungyeol again. I purposefully left that part open-ended for the reader to interpret however they wish. You might think that Sungyeol was killed by L or that he was hurt by L and never came back. The interpretation is up to you, but I wanted to leave it open-ended to purposefully juxtapose how Sungyeol used to come by every day, and now he's absent in Myungsoo/L's life. 

Sungyeol's failure to show that Myungsoo still has some sanity left in him also leads to the second lobotomy which ultimately, erases what's left of Myungsoo. And therefore, L is left to rot in his room (this actually happened in some asylums), withering away as an empty shell of who he once was. 

the end

This picks up from where "the beginning" left off. A lot of "the end" ties into "and." It's a deeper look into L as a character, who before this, merely remained as the antagonist. When the apparition of Sungyeol's ghost whispers to him to remember, L is flooded with memories of his life, like his whole life is flashing before he dies. Sungyeol himself is already dead, as noted by the wound in his throat, and even L notices that his hands seem to pass through him for a second (further reinforced when Sungyeol's apparition disappears and is replaced by a skull atop a pile of bones).

 When L comes face-to-face again with Sungyeol and immediately attacks him, Sungyeol sets him free with the words "Momento mori." This is where Sungyeol's significance as a character comes full circle. As Myungsoo/L's caretaker in the beginning, he acts as "the keeper" of his mind. He holds all of L's memories and locks them away after the first lobotomy. He gives Myungsoo the intraocular injections which silence L in Myungsoo's head. Many of the things he does throughout the story ties into his role as the keeper of Myungsoo/L's sanity. You could almost say that he holds the key. When L finds Sungyeol in the end, Sungyeol is the one who sets his mind free and helping him to realize that he has already died a long time ago in the past. Which I saw as a fitting ending, since L constantly wanted to be let out, to get out, and to be free. When L first finds Sungyeol, he demands his brain back, and Sungyeol, as the keeper of his mind, gives it back to him and frees him of it. He crumbles into dust because his delusion of life is broken. Since he was already dead, his body was already rotting; he just never realized it. Once he realizes the reality, his illusion of a body is broken and he fades away into nothingness. That way, L (who is a dead body, essentially no more than a ghost) is able to rest in peace at the end. He was like a restless ghost, roaming the empty corridors of the abandoned asylum to find his bones (aka himself). Without them, he was a "skeleton with no bones" and therefore not able to rest in peace. So I found it fitting that L as a ghost find his peace at the very end. 

I wanted to put a twist on the words "Momento mori." In Roman culture, it was chanted by a slave to a general in a triumph procession after a military campaign. The point of this was to remind the general that he still must die; even honor and glory does not keep him from death. In this work, I changed the context of the words while keeping the literal meaning to create L's conflict with himself, though he didn't realize it until the end. All this to tie in with the title of "finding bones" which I also talked about in the beginning. 

I left a lot of things out in these endnotes because it's already quite lengthy, so I really just wanted to focus on the important stuff. But there are also a bunch of tiny details I wrote for a reason. Just one example: the description of Myungsoo's dirty white clothes in comparison to Sungyeol's clean white scrubs. Myungsoo's dirty white clothes, like Sungyeol's later in "the end," are filthy and tainted with the stain of "death," you could say. I did it purposely to show that Myungsoo was already a dead man in the very beginning (though not physically, but in every other aspect) and to also show the difference in Sungyeol from clean white scrubs to the dirty, stained hem that L later claws at in the conclusion of the story (from a vivacious young man to another ghost in the asylum). There are a lot of tiny details and hints scattered throughout, which is why I consider this a work best enjoyed when carefully read. 

I'll just end these notes with one of the quotes from the contest this fic is entered into. I didn't use it officially as a prompt, but it feels well with the main idea of the story (and also inspired a bit of Myungsoo/L).

"I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind." - E.A. Poe

tl;dr L was the original person. Myungsoo was someone born out of his insanity and lobotomy. It would at first seem that Myungsoo was the original "owner" of the body (Myungsoo himself didn't even know), but contrary to appearance, L was, which explains his existence on "give it back, give it back." In the end, L finds out from Sungyeol's ghost that he's actually already dead. L himself never realized and was stuck in a insane sort of limbo, trying to find Sungyeol to make him give back his brain (because he still thinks that he's alive though there are many hints that's already rotting away). Sungyeol tells him to "remember to die," which causes L to realize the truth and reality. As the realization sets in, he crumbles to dust (his illusion of being alive is broken) and is able to rest in peace.

Whew, finally posted up the endnotes. They're definitely a bit rushed and not as in-depth as I usually like, but life is pretty hectic right now, so I'll end it here. Just want to thank everyone again for reading this piece of mine! Feel free to comment below your own thoughts or unanswered questions as well!