Happy Birthday, I Love You
Happy Birthday, I Love You
It’s been a while since I’ve seen him in person. Seeing him face to face is something I’ve longed for lately. I feel like I’ve already forgotten his face even if it’s everywhere. On the streets, in the stores, on the Internet. My own house is filled with his pictures. Pictures of us together on dates, pictures of him with his group, pictures of him just being him. While dating him I’ve found myself taking more pictures, even going so far as to buy one of those special high definition camera to catch the moment.
There’s dust on the camera now. Hiding in the corner of my room on the top shelf, the camera sits neglected. I go to that camera now, lifting my body on the tips of my toes to get a better reach at the shelf he had built for me. My fingers wrap around the strap of the camera, pulling at it without thinking of any consequences. The camera hits my forearm and I’m thankful it doesn’t possess any sharp corners. But, from the force of me pulling at the camera the papers it sat upon began to fall.
I made no attempt to catch the falling sheets, instead I lower myself onto my feet and then I sit on the ground, crossing my legs and looking around me at the papers. They were pictures. Faded pictures covered in a thin film of dust. I must’ve hidden the pictures beneath the camera when he had left. I rub at the spot the camera had hit for a moment before reaching out and sliding the pictures into a messy pile in front of me.
One picture in particular caught my eye. It was older than the rest or it had gone through more than the others. I grabbed the image, holding it carefully in my hand in fear of ripping the precious picture. It was taken with a Polaroid camera he had gotten me for my birthday when we first started dating. The edges were yellowing and it seemed as if the picture had gotten wet at some point. The picture was faded as if it had been under the sun’s rays for a long amount of time, the color simply drained. But even through all this, I was still able to tell what the image was. It was our first kiss.
I could remember it like it was yesterday. Staring at the picture, lightly running my finger across it to wipe away some of the dust. I could make out our faces, turned to each other with our lips touching. My eyes were open from the initial shock of the action and his lips were pulled back as he smiled. On the side of the picture you could see his arm as he was the one taking the picture. He had kissed my cheek in greeting when he had taken a seat beside me. He ruffled through his bag for a moment and called out my name. I turned, our lips met and the picture was shot. When the picture developed a few seconds later, he pulled it out and held it up to me. He was smiling at me as he spoke. I still remember his exact words on that day.
“Happy Birthday, I love you.”
I think I cried then. Thinking back on any of our memories together, I could only find myself remembering what he had said. All of my reactions and words were irrelevant, only he was important. If I saw him now, I’d tell him I loved him too. I hope I said that to him then.
The picture had slipped out of my hands without my knowledge. It was resting on my legs with drops of water on them. I blinked, watching two more drops land on the picture. My face felt hot and my vision blurred. After all this time, I still find myself over him. Over the man who had left for the army and died. They told me he was sick, but I couldn’t believe them. I didn’t want to. I needed his limp, lifeless body as proof. They were speechless when I still demanded to see him as if he were alive. I tried to contact his family to see if they knew but they never approved of our dating so they didn’t answer any of my calls. It was useless.
I had returned home after the news and sat on my bed, our bed. I had shuffled into a laying position above the sheets, turning onto my side to stare at his. Empty, just like my body. I felt hollow knowing he’d never come back, never hug me, never kiss me, never tell me ‘I love you’ or tease me about how short I was. I had already longed to see him while he was away at the army and now I’d never get to see him again.
I woke up then, finding myself on the ground and surrounded by the pictures I had pulled of the shelf. The camera’s strap was tangled around my arm, the pictures scattered since I had shifted in my sleep. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I sighed, sitting up on the ground with my back against the bed behind me. I sat there for a moment before crawling onto the bed leaving the camera and pictures on the ground. I wrapped the blankets around me and curled into a ball. Maybe if I slept I would be able to see him. I’ve been seeing him in my dreams more often lately and I felt like seeing him now. I’d need a bit of help though from the pills my doctor had given me a few months ago.
Sliding off of the bed, the blanket fell off of my body and onto the ground. I dragged myself to the bathroom and opened the cabinet. Reaching in, I grabbed the bottle of pills and popped the lid open after a bit of difficulty. Stupid bottle with a stupid lid but the contents of the bottle was all I cared about. I tapped the bottle on my palm, letting the usual amount fall into my hand. It wouldn’t be enough. I tapped it again and again until four times the usual amount was on my palm. Like usual, I grabbed the cup off of the counter and filled it with water to take the pills one by one. After the final pill, I made my way over to the bedroom again.
I didn’t make it to the bed in time.
I felt myself falling. Falling into a pit of darkness. Everything around me was dark and sinister. I felt like I was being watched, but I couldn’t be sure. I closed my eyes, thinking of him and only him. When I opened my eyes it was bright, so bright that I had to shade my eyes with my hand to see. Where was I? Am I dreaming or am I dead? A familiar voice spoke my name from behind me. I could feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist, holding me close. I was scared to look up, if it really was him I didn’t want him to disappear because I looked. If it wasn’t him I’d feel tainted. Tainted because I only want him to touch me, only him to hold me, only him to say my name.
I had to look, my head turning to look at the person behind me. It was him, the pills had worked. He was smiling down at me, his beautiful smile that I loved. I spun around, wrapping my arms around his body and burying my head in his chest. I told him I missed him and he told me the same. I told him I loved him and he smiled.
“I love you too, Happy Birthday.”
After all this time he still remembered my birthday. I cupped his face in my hands taking in everything about him. He was perfect. In my mind I cursed God for killing off such a perfect man, the man I loved. But it wouldn’t matter if I stayed with him here in this empty abyss. If I stayed here with him, it would be just the two of us together forever.
He seemed to read my thoughts, a frown distorting his perfect face. His arms left my body as he reached up and took my hands. He held them together in between his own, his eyes staring down at me, questioning my intentions. “You are not meant to be here.”
“But I want to be.”
“It’s not time yet. Live and be happy.”
“I can’t without you.”
I could feel tears welling in my eyes. This wasn’t what I expected when I saw him. I thought we’d come together and be in each other’s embrace forever. Him here telling me I don’t belong made me feel that hollow feeling again. I couldn’t leave him and go back to a world where I felt incomplete. Where I felt like I didn’t belong.
“I want to be with you again when the time is right … Not now. Live … Be happy and we’ll be together again one day.”
He leaned down slightly, pressing his lips to my forehead. My eyes fell closed, the tears falling down my cheeks. When I opened my eyes he was gone and I was awake. The room was foreign and it smelled of medicine. I steady beeping played beside me. I was in a hospital room, it was bright out and there didn’t seem to be any other patients in the room.
“You’re awake.”
My head whipped to the side, my eyes meeting another’s. He had just come in through the door with a cup of coffee for himself but when he saw me the cup slipped through his hand. The sterile white tiles of the hospital was splattered with the hot liquid as he hurried over to my bedside. He took my hand, the feeling familiar yet I wasn’t sure how to react. I looked down at our intertwined fingers for a moment, confused. I saw a drop of water fall onto my skin making me glance up to the male’s face.
“It’s been too long.” He mumbled as if he was speaking to himself but he was looking directly at me with loving eyes.
This was the man I loved. The man who has been by my side. The man I thought was dead. But … Was it me? Was I the one who was dead laying as if I was lifeless on this hospital bed for years? It must have been … So, everything that’s happened to me has been a figment of my imagination.
When this thought finally sank in, I realized I was crying. With my free hand I reached up to my face and wiped at the tears.
“I love you.”
It was the first thing I’ve said after so long. Even I could tell how frail my voice sounded. He looked at me, smiling softly. I knew I wasn’t crying prettily but he still managed to lean down and kiss my forehead, my cheek, my lips. He wrapped his arms around me carefully.
“Happy birthday, I love you too.”
There’s dust on the camera now. Hiding in the corner of my room on the top shelf, the camera sits neglected. I go to that camera now, lifting my body on the tips of my toes to get a better reach at the shelf he had built for me. My fingers wrap around the strap of the camera, pulling at it without thinking of any consequences. The camera hits my forearm and I’m thankful it doesn’t possess any sharp corners. But, from the force of me pulling at the camera the papers it sat upon began to fall.
I made no attempt to catch the falling sheets, instead I lower myself onto my feet and then I sit on the ground, crossing my legs and looking around me at the papers. They were pictures. Faded pictures covered in a thin film of dust. I must’ve hidden the pictures beneath the camera when he had left. I rub at the spot the camera had hit for a moment before reaching out and sliding the pictures into a messy pile in front of me.
One picture in particular caught my eye. It was older than the rest or it had gone through more than the others. I grabbed the image, holding it carefully in my hand in fear of ripping the precious picture. It was taken with a Polaroid camera he had gotten me for my birthday when we first started dating. The edges were yellowing and it seemed as if the picture had gotten wet at some point. The picture was faded as if it had been under the sun’s rays for a long amount of time, the color simply drained. But even through all this, I was still able to tell what the image was. It was our first kiss.
I could remember it like it was yesterday. Staring at the picture, lightly running my finger across it to wipe away some of the dust. I could make out our faces, turned to each other with our lips touching. My eyes were open from the initial shock of the action and his lips were pulled back as he smiled. On the side of the picture you could see his arm as he was the one taking the picture. He had kissed my cheek in greeting when he had taken a seat beside me. He ruffled through his bag for a moment and called out my name. I turned, our lips met and the picture was shot. When the picture developed a few seconds later, he pulled it out and held it up to me. He was smiling at me as he spoke. I still remember his exact words on that day.
“Happy Birthday, I love you.”
I think I cried then. Thinking back on any of our memories together, I could only find myself remembering what he had said. All of my reactions and words were irrelevant, only he was important. If I saw him now, I’d tell him I loved him too. I hope I said that to him then.
The picture had slipped out of my hands without my knowledge. It was resting on my legs with drops of water on them. I blinked, watching two more drops land on the picture. My face felt hot and my vision blurred. After all this time, I still find myself over him. Over the man who had left for the army and died. They told me he was sick, but I couldn’t believe them. I didn’t want to. I needed his limp, lifeless body as proof. They were speechless when I still demanded to see him as if he were alive. I tried to contact his family to see if they knew but they never approved of our dating so they didn’t answer any of my calls. It was useless.
I had returned home after the news and sat on my bed, our bed. I had shuffled into a laying position above the sheets, turning onto my side to stare at his. Empty, just like my body. I felt hollow knowing he’d never come back, never hug me, never kiss me, never tell me ‘I love you’ or tease me about how short I was. I had already longed to see him while he was away at the army and now I’d never get to see him again.
I woke up then, finding myself on the ground and surrounded by the pictures I had pulled of the shelf. The camera’s strap was tangled around my arm, the pictures scattered since I had shifted in my sleep. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I sighed, sitting up on the ground with my back against the bed behind me. I sat there for a moment before crawling onto the bed leaving the camera and pictures on the ground. I wrapped the blankets around me and curled into a ball. Maybe if I slept I would be able to see him. I’ve been seeing him in my dreams more often lately and I felt like seeing him now. I’d need a bit of help though from the pills my doctor had given me a few months ago.
Sliding off of the bed, the blanket fell off of my body and onto the ground. I dragged myself to the bathroom and opened the cabinet. Reaching in, I grabbed the bottle of pills and popped the lid open after a bit of difficulty. Stupid bottle with a stupid lid but the contents of the bottle was all I cared about. I tapped the bottle on my palm, letting the usual amount fall into my hand. It wouldn’t be enough. I tapped it again and again until four times the usual amount was on my palm. Like usual, I grabbed the cup off of the counter and filled it with water to take the pills one by one. After the final pill, I made my way over to the bedroom again.
I didn’t make it to the bed in time.
I felt myself falling. Falling into a pit of darkness. Everything around me was dark and sinister. I felt like I was being watched, but I couldn’t be sure. I closed my eyes, thinking of him and only him. When I opened my eyes it was bright, so bright that I had to shade my eyes with my hand to see. Where was I? Am I dreaming or am I dead? A familiar voice spoke my name from behind me. I could feel a pair of arms wrap around my waist, holding me close. I was scared to look up, if it really was him I didn’t want him to disappear because I looked. If it wasn’t him I’d feel tainted. Tainted because I only want him to touch me, only him to hold me, only him to say my name.
I had to look, my head turning to look at the person behind me. It was him, the pills had worked. He was smiling down at me, his beautiful smile that I loved. I spun around, wrapping my arms around his body and burying my head in his chest. I told him I missed him and he told me the same. I told him I loved him and he smiled.
“I love you too, Happy Birthday.”
After all this time he still remembered my birthday. I cupped his face in my hands taking in everything about him. He was perfect. In my mind I cursed God for killing off such a perfect man, the man I loved. But it wouldn’t matter if I stayed with him here in this empty abyss. If I stayed here with him, it would be just the two of us together forever.
He seemed to read my thoughts, a frown distorting his perfect face. His arms left my body as he reached up and took my hands. He held them together in between his own, his eyes staring down at me, questioning my intentions. “You are not meant to be here.”
“But I want to be.”
“It’s not time yet. Live and be happy.”
“I can’t without you.”
I could feel tears welling in my eyes. This wasn’t what I expected when I saw him. I thought we’d come together and be in each other’s embrace forever. Him here telling me I don’t belong made me feel that hollow feeling again. I couldn’t leave him and go back to a world where I felt incomplete. Where I felt like I didn’t belong.
“I want to be with you again when the time is right … Not now. Live … Be happy and we’ll be together again one day.”
He leaned down slightly, pressing his lips to my forehead. My eyes fell closed, the tears falling down my cheeks. When I opened my eyes he was gone and I was awake. The room was foreign and it smelled of medicine. I steady beeping played beside me. I was in a hospital room, it was bright out and there didn’t seem to be any other patients in the room.
“You’re awake.”
My head whipped to the side, my eyes meeting another’s. He had just come in through the door with a cup of coffee for himself but when he saw me the cup slipped through his hand. The sterile white tiles of the hospital was splattered with the hot liquid as he hurried over to my bedside. He took my hand, the feeling familiar yet I wasn’t sure how to react. I looked down at our intertwined fingers for a moment, confused. I saw a drop of water fall onto my skin making me glance up to the male’s face.
“It’s been too long.” He mumbled as if he was speaking to himself but he was looking directly at me with loving eyes.
This was the man I loved. The man who has been by my side. The man I thought was dead. But … Was it me? Was I the one who was dead laying as if I was lifeless on this hospital bed for years? It must have been … So, everything that’s happened to me has been a figment of my imagination.
When this thought finally sank in, I realized I was crying. With my free hand I reached up to my face and wiped at the tears.
“I love you.”
It was the first thing I’ve said after so long. Even I could tell how frail my voice sounded. He looked at me, smiling softly. I knew I wasn’t crying prettily but he still managed to lean down and kiss my forehead, my cheek, my lips. He wrapped his arms around me carefully.
“Happy birthday, I love you too.”
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