Levi could not sleep. He was tossing in bed.

He remembered so much the 57th expedition, where they set off from Karanese district. It was a trial, but it didn't guarantee safety. If any of s of the Special Ops Squad could make it alive like they always did, they will get to see what lies in the basement in Grisha Jaeger's house in Shiganshina, south of Wall Maria.

Yet, with the recent expedition, only he survived. But that was because he went to his Commander, Erwin Smith, after the Female Titan was captured. He had instructed his squad to continue to escape further, and continue to protect Eren Jaeger until the end. And protect they did, even until their death.

All of them died bravely. Among them was Eld Jinn, who was his right hand. And then Gunther Schultz, Oluo Bozado, and the only rose in the team, Petra Ral.

Yet, he could not forget looking at the corpse of Petra, her back twisted in a grotesque shape that is not normal anatomically. Her eyes, facing above, was blank as the depths of the ocean, he could not tell. He handpicked his men, but because of the nature of the job, he knew that whatever he decided, there's no more regrets, no more turning back, just like what he had learned the first time he joined the Survey Corps under Erwin's command. There's no more crying over spilled milk. No more what if's for all the decisions made, for no one knows the outcome. All he knew was that, until the end, his hand-picked soldiers died while following orders.

Titans continued to pursue them, but the weight of the corpses could only slow the carriages down. In effect, some of these corpses were thrown out to expedite the escape. Levi could not do anything as he watched Petra's corpse being thrown out the carriage. He could not bring her home to her parents' house.

And the last straw came when Petra's father, who was among the crowd, met them as the Survey Corps arrived. The old man looked so happy, telling Levi about Petra sending letters often. He also shared to the Captain that Petra was too young to marry just yet. And Levi managed to think that Petra had special feelings for him.

Many think of Levi as someone who never showed his emotions, who puts duty first before his own emotions and desires, who was dedicated to the cause of mankind, and was humanity's strongest soldier. Those close to him knew he practices what they call "tough love." He would often inflict pain to let those under him learn, just as he had shown Eren Jaeger once in a trial. But they know that he cares deeply for them. Levi himself knew that. He wanted his soldiers to remain fit and strong, and he wanted his soldiers to trust each other. 

He never shows the least of his sad emotions, but he felt them.

When he learned that Petra was inspired by him, his heart sank in too much pain. It felt like he had stabbed his own heart with the blades of his ODM gear. Petra was special to him because she was the only girl in the pack. She would often scold Olou for imitating Levi too often. It happened many a time, but why did he never see past that? She was special to him, but as a soldier. He could only know her true worth when she could no longer say her feelings for him. Feelings for a woman to a man.

His pain and the dark of the night accompanied him. He could only dream of her. He could no longer see her. He could only reminisce of her. He could no longer talk to her.

Tears fell as he remembered cleaning his room that morning. He remembered that on the night before the expedition, Petra had given him an envelope, a note for him. But because he was pressed for time, and with matters needing immediate attention, he placed it on his table and forgot about it. Even as  he looked at her body pushed against the tree, he had forgotten about the letter.

It was just this day. He remembered his hand shaking, not wanting to open the letter, but wanting to at the same time. He did not want to know Petra's real feelings for him, but at the same time, he did. After Petra's father's confession, it was when he looked into himself and analyzed what Petra really meant to him.

Thus, the letter:

Levi-heichou,

Tomorrow will be the 57th expedition. The rookies will finally be able to try out Commander Erwin's strategy. I wonder how that will go, though. I hope we all succeed and survive. Just like the Commander, I, too, am curious regarding the secrets hidden in Eren Jaeger's home basement. What are the Titans made of? Who are they, really? How can we defeat them?

But, I am afraid, Heichou. I know I always live up to your expectations, and always manage to surpass them. I am just afraid because I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I am afraid that I will never see you again. I hope I won't die tomorrow, though, but if ever I do, I just want to express everything that I had been thinking and feeling.

I love you, Levi-heichou.

You are the reason why I succeeded in being a soldier. I joined the Survey Legion because of you. And I was happy when you pick me along with the others for your special squad. Thank you so much for your confidence in me. I owe you a lot, and won't ever forget it.

I promise you, Heichou, that I will survive. I will protect Eren with all my heart and with all my strength. I will promise to survive because when I look ahead, I see you with me in the future. I will feel sad if I won't be there with you, and I will feel sad if all I see in your future is you just having me in your memories.

I love you, Levi-heichou. I really do.

-loving you forever, Petra Ral

 

Levi remembered shedding some tears as he read the letter that morning. He finally realized that her love was just so near, but she was not being able to get it because of his priorities. He wished he had taken some moments to be with her alone, to get to know her, to know her family. Maybe if he did, he could also have fallen in love with her, just as she had fallen in love with him.

"Petra, you broke your promise," he thought as placed his arm on his head. "You broke your promise... And you just fulfilled a death wish. You are unfair. Yes, all you can see of me in the future is me reminiscing you."

More tears shed, and he sobbed. He got up and took his pillow. He bit it so as not to wake the other people in the castle. He will cry tonight so he won't have to tomorrow.

"I realize it too late, Petra. I love you... And I miss you."

 

~~

T~T I swear! My heart ached as I wrote this one-shot!

Up next, Sasha's POV!

~~