guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuess who is baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

why do i feel so lonely

had a longass convo with my friend just then, abot how ing lonely we are and how we always feel so stressed and how school has aded our lives since the beginning and we wasted all our time

for school, for some ass government function jobs

i miss being able to read with the sunlight pouring in

i'm ing cold

always cold now

and lonely

i've never not been lonely and reading, anime, kpop, it was everything an escape, and i hate it

i hate it because i could be so productive, i could get so much done, i could feel so satisfied

if i wasn't so busy trying to escape

but it's what it is, and i just don't want to be living through anything else, but i don't feel ready to do it on my own

i don't want to compare myself with anyone else, but i've been raised with that mindset, and it's hard to change now

just want something to happen, so that i'll have a legitimate reason to want to go on

but all that i have to look forward to is college rejections and wnter break, and break is fueling me but i'm breaking down

it's a struggle to stay above the torrents of i have coming at me everyday, internet or not, and i don't know how much longer it can go on

it's weird, i think

that when i was younger i genuinely wanted to learn and loved school so much thata my mom whenever she got mad was like why don't you just go live with your teachers since you love them so much why don't you just never come back and like why not?

but now i hate them all.

i would rather ing die than to spend a single day with my teachers outside of school events

because they're making me ing fail and lose everything i ever liked about sschool

which was learning

because no one taught me how to learn

so i keep with my terrible habits and die inside and stay up and fall asleep the next day

bebcause i was smart so no one had to teach me how to learn

and it all came crashing back down

i want to live

like, live live

i just need time

infinite amount of time

i would yeah i would hate to be all alone with no one to care about me but hey let's face it we'll all turn out that way at some point

and i'm lonely enough as it is

so

infinity?

maybe?

i want to learn how to do and how to be happy

and now worry about and go to iceland and farm sheep

because maybe that;s the only way i can be myself

a wofl in a pack of sheep

mybe

idk why i'm writing this

and it's not like i don't appreciate encouragement or compliments or anythingit's just

it feels wothless 

becase i can't take them seriously

because i'm so conditioned to push anyone away who says anything good about me

idk, is that operant or classical? i'm going to say operant because behavior

what a nerd

i don't want to post this yet until i've said all i can say

but i'll never be able to do that, you understnad?

because theres alway more to say

i reread hunger games all three of them today

never got why ppl hated mockingjay

to me, it's the perfecnt most realistic book of them all

the war and

and the whole duality of society

that's something ive been bullting about in my english essays

and at this point it's whatever goes, they'll accept me or not

colleg,e thais 

because idk where my mind goes

is thisstream of consciousness

i hate it