This is random and possibly out of nowhere but recently, I've been really thinking about my future. Probably because of the fact that now I'm in Form 4, and in my country, we are required to take a stream that you are interested in. However, there was a new system, in which we took a personality test and the government would decide our streams. (Before this, we can choose our own streams) Ever since Form 1, I had always getting the science stream as a result. I never minded it at first. Science was the only thing i was good at. But then, now I finally understood. Just because I was good at it, doesn't mean I love it.

At the mid year of 2014, I created a drawing account at instagram and my passion for arts grew more than I thought it would. It was strange. I finally found something i was good at. And I love it. Very very much. Still, I didn't minded. It was just a hobby, I told myself. Nothing more. 2015 came and now I'm placed in the science stream class. There are two science stream classes and I am placed in the first one. My friends were placed in the second one. 

2015 started quite unpleasantly. For the first week of school, I was so stressed that death, always seemed to lingered in my head for the whole 7 days. I didn't knew why. I also kept wondering about transferring classes. I dislike my class, I didn't have any close friends in it, the teachers were too serious and the pressure of the first class was overwhelming. I thought of changing to the second class of the science stream, or even to the 'lukisan kejuruteraan' (architect and engineer) stream. I was so confused and kept falling asleep, feeling nothing but stressed.

I thought of everything thoroughly. Even about the future of beyond my studies. Like if I pursue arts, the cost of it is expensive and I was afraid of not affording it. Or I could get a scholarship but they wouldn't accept me because I'm not in the art streams. I even thought of if I was guaranteed a job after I finished my studies. Would I have a stable monthly income? Would I have a guaranteed bright future? I didn't find an answer to that. 

I thought of pursuing science. Medicine, like my sister. Studying to become a doctor was also costly but my country priotize scholarships offers to medicine, pharmacist and dentistry. Not only that, you are practically guaranteed a job when you finished your studies. Surely enough, not a guaranteed high pay but at least it was a job. An income. But did I want to do that? Do I want to wake up everyday to that job? Would I dread until the work time is over? I didn't know.

I reached a low part of my thoughts. Sometimes, I wished I wasn't art-driven. Being in arts is hard. Music or visual art, or even dance. I know its hard. I wished I like science. Logic or chemical. Anything. Anything at all. I was good at something that I didn't want. Then the week ended just like that.

Then, second week came and strangely enough, i felt better. As if I could see and understand things clearer. I'm still in my class. The science stream. But I have a different dream now. I was going to pursue arts. As strange as it is, me and my friend are both art driven but we are both in the science streams. The only thing that is different between the two of us is that she is taking culinary arts. I still do arts at school as i join an art club and I'm determine to join all the art competitions there is. I hope to pursue arts to an overseas university. I'm still searching for a decent art university and which art course am I going to take. I decided that I rather starve and lead a difficult life than doing something I don't want. Hey, we only live once, don't we? So make it something you won't regret. Thank you reading this long- rant. You either bored or you care. Either which, I'm grateful. Wish me luck! For now I have a dream.