Into My Life by W3ntchuuKrown

 

Title: 8/10

It's a nice title, but it was a bit too basic. Not really eye-catching.

Description/Foreword: 14/15

I was a bit confused with your description. You sorta started it with an introverted question and then never really answered it. I was expecting “When our protagonist Ahn Sunhee, Bangtan Boys and Kakaotalk are thrown in the blender, with a mix of romantic comedy, unanticipated events, surprise appearances, love mishaps, triangles, kisses and disses, they're soon brought into a world of fun!” or something along those lines.

Your foreword was short and simple and straight to the point. Perfect. Though it reads a bit cliché, it was good.

Plot: 17/20

Sorry to say, but it was a bit cliché and most of the time, it was predictable. I think the comedy was mild and the romance was okay but I did enjoy most of it. I kinda wished you didn't rely so heavily on only conversations, but explained things more. You jump around a lot with topics, maybe slow down just a bit and give sometime for the story to breathe.

I know most people want action! action! action!, but the beginning of a story, you're suppose to lay out all of the puzzle pieces on the table so we can see what we're dealing with. And with each chapter we understand how they fit together. I say this because later on in your story, you added just a tiny bit of drama/suspense and this could really help you with future stories.

Grammar and writing style: 16/20

There are some places where you mixed up past tense and present tense words, but other than that your grammar is fine. Some of your sentences could have been reworded to flow better, but practice makes perfect.

The only thing that bothers me, is occasionally when you don't start a new sentence when a new person is talking. It doesn't mess with your story but it would appear clearer if you fixed that. Plus you don't tag your dialogue with he said or she exclaimed etc. Honestly, I knew who was talking but it's always best to state who is speaking, especially when there are more than two in a conversation or if a chapter is dedicated to one character's point of view only.

To tell you the truth, I really dislike the color coded text method you used. Normally I wouldn't recommend this but maybe you could use script writing for your text messages instead.

Chapter 3 Sample

NamJJUNNie: I want to introduce you to a friend tomorrow.

ABS: Friend?

Dongseng: Hyung, you have other friends?

AlienV: Girl? Pretty?

AlienV: Does she have a lot of aegyo?

AlienV: Can she make hot chocolate?

 

It's not much but your readers won't have to wait for the pictures to load, plus great for mobile readers.

Characterization: 12/15

I'm not really a fan of character chart, but it wasn't bad. The chart kinda set your story in stone for me, that it would be your standard rom-com. I know you have the potential to take everything from your chart and blend it into your story.

I suggest that you work on show, don't tell, especially when it comes to creating characters. Most of your characters felt flat but your story is really dialogue based so I won't rant on. Though for example, you said Park Jimin strives to do his best at whatever he decides to do. Well show that by having him overworking himself at a certain task or is constantly talking or thinking about ways to improve himself.

As writers, we have to make our characters appear as more than just words on a page.

Flow: 7/10

It was the pictures and gifs that made it feel choppy. I know you want to show the readers the texts and give them a visual of how a certain scene is suppose to look, but it takes away from the story itself. Maybe practice describing the gifs in vivid detail and then use that instead of the gif itself. Detailing your character's surroundings will help you a lot and I would recommend you work a bit on that.

I know you have chapter breaks but sometimes you leave areas, where you skip time, blank. I see that you fast forward a lot throughout the story and I wasn't sure if the gifs were suppose to be chapter breaks or not. I also wish your chapters weren't so short.

Appearance: 4/5

It was bright and colorful. Everything you'd expect for a romance comedy. I think it fit the overall theme of your story. The animated poster was my favorite. The gifs and text pictures in the middle of chapters not so much.

Overall enjoyment: 3/5

Your story has the potential to become so much better. Like I said earlier, take some of the weight off the dialogue aspect of your story and describe things more. You already have plenty of readers, give them some more to read about.

Score: 81/100