I don't particularly know what I'm going to accomplish with this blog, but I've noticed that I don't really talk about my self or my life that much (apart from the recent contest with my business). And maybe I'm just being big headed here, but I thought I might take you guys into my mind for a moment, so you can all see how weird of a place this is.

You see, just now, I realized - as I'm sitting in my bedroom, like any ordinary night, in front of my laptop, on tumblr, checking hulu for new episode updates and debating on taking the longest night bath in the history of forever - that it's almost 2015.

I don't know if this is as big of a deal for any of you as it is for me....But it's been 15 YEARS since Y2K....How many of you remember that crazy stuff? People buying loads of batteries and food supplies and bottled water going up to $10 or $15 a case....I remember that part of my childhood, and that was a decade and a half ago....

5 years ago....I started listening to kpop - it feels like it was last week....

10 years ago my life was ruled by rock bands and guys with black make-up with heavy guitars and screaming emotions that felt like they were bottled up inside me since birth....I remember, 10 years ago, I thought I was going to be touring the world by now, so I learned to play guitar and sing and cover songs from Green Day's American Idiot album, My Chemical Romance's Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, and most influentially In Love and Death by The Used....

I thought that I would have a steady boyfriend (HA!) who probably was going to marry me...

I thought that I would be far, far away from this house by now...

That I would never see this city again...

Isn't it amazing the things we think of when we're so touched by a song, or a lyric, or a comment from an artists, or a teacher...or a friend?

So much has changed and a most times I push forward, hoping that the future will be brighter, that there will be better times - always praying and hoping - wondering what's going to be next. But there are times when I can't think about the unknown future...When all I can think about is what has come...what has gone...what could have been...and what couldn't, no matter how much I wished for it...

It's the final hour of the year and I am here, no where I want to be (but still better off than some people and for that I am grateful). I realized today, that I do not recognize the me that stares back at my reflection. And I don't know if I like it.

Looking back, seeing the actual reality of just how much my life has changed in the last decade and a half...is mind boggling. 
There's so many things; things that I didn't expect, things that I anticipated, things that I didn't realize would happen. Decisions. Repercussions. Things that can never be undone.

I started off 2014 by leaving someone who couldn't return my love.

I will enter 2015, wondering what the point of love is at all...other than the life's cruel curse of wishing so desperately for it.
2014 has been a...dfficult year for me. It may show in my writing, but it feels as if all the good things have been underlined in poison. I'll not lie, there have been many times this year where I've wished to give up on everyone around me, on myself...on all that I've been doing. The number of tears I've cried in this year alone have been more than I have in the entire decade. I've struggled, fought both physically and mentally with people I love, I've been up every morning at 4am and worked until my bones have cracked, I've screamed at the top of my lungs into my pillows until I was light headed, I've felt hatred for everything around me and wished to disappear like I was smoke rising up into the air...But I've also laughed. I've met some friends, shared some memories that will be part of me forever. I've grown in ways that I didn't think possible. I've cut my hair. I've severed ties with my past and things that were holding me down, weighing on my heart. I've let go of old wants. I've learned how not to miss certain people so much.

All in all, 2014...though it has been a tough time in my life in general...It has been important, so important. And so I am thankful to have survived it.

Ahh, but let me not spoil your happy hours of partying and celebratory drinking and other festivities that bring smiles to your faces. I hope you're all having a fun new year...and I wish for blessings for everyone in the coming year, my Chinese zodiac said that it's supposed to be a good year for me and fellow monkey signs, so hopefully the odds will be ever in our favor!

Good luck to everyone in the new year, and please look forward to many more updates as well as new stories from me!

I love you all!
 

Clicky Click to rock out to some awesome New Year music
from one of my favorite movies!
Or you can listen to my fav song from 2014 HERE