Um, how do I start?

I don't usually let out how I feel to other people. Even to my close friends. I have an issue with letting out like that. But now I just need to tell someone what happened yesterday, and I don't know who to tell. So I'm just gonna write it here.

Please don't judge me. It's my worst fear. I just need some assurance and advice I guess..

I know that I've been suffering from deppression for 3 years now. It's not something I'm not aware of. But then again, I'm sure many of you are suffering from it too, so I'm not going to make a big deal out of it. 

But yesterday, I cried. And I swear, it was for something so pathetic. I couldn't believe myself. Am I crazy?

I was watching some video's on youtube. Then I thought about Jonghyun. So I started watching some 'SHINee Jonghyun funny moments' video's. And it was so adorable. He was so cute and funny. And I was just watching how dorky he is.

And suddenly I realised my whole face scrunchng up and tears pouring out of my eyes. I started to cry. :'( I paused the video and cried in my hands like an idiot. You ask me why? I don't really know. 

Maybe because I missed him. 

But that's stupid. I've never met him before. I've never spoken to him. I only see him in TV, and watching him on youtube was no different than any other day.

But for some reason, I just missed him so damn much. Watching him laugh so sincerely and doing things that make me laugh in the video, made me cry. I missed his smile, his voice, his face. I especially missed his brown hair. Ever since he coloured his hair silver, he has been so different. His personality isn't the same as before. He's so distant now. I don't know why, I just feel that way about him. He seems less human than before. 

It breaks my heart. And maybe because he never had a comeback for a whole year with SHINee. So maybe that's why.. I don't know.

I think I'm crazy. Obssessive? Maybe I'm just to imersed in my own fantasy bubble that I even cry for people who don't know I exist. It's terrible.

I don't cry a lot. Ask my friends, they'll tell you. I never cry. I watched The fault in our stars, Hachiko, Miracle in cell 7. I never cried for any of those. I just don't cry often. But yesterday....

It was wierd, because after I watched the video, I decided to watch other things so that i won't cry anymore. So I was watching some english comedy drama and stuff. Then I went to sleep.

And I had the best dream ever. :')

I hardly ever get to dream about SHINee, I don't know why. Usually people always have dreams about their biases and stuff. In three years, I only dream of SHINee twice. And both times, it was really really really short. 

Last night though, I had my FIRST real legit dream about them. Oh wow, it was amazing. :'))) 

I can't remember much, but i do remember Taemin pointing at his cheek asking me to kiss his cheek. It was so cute because when I did, he was blushing and shy cause he didn't expect me to really do it. So I laughed and gave him a big hug. I still remember the hug. He was so thin and tall, but so warm. Lol. X')

Then Minho was there doing something. I can't remember why, but he looked nervous. So I gave him an assuring pat on his shoulder and told him, 'come on, just do it.' Hahaha, he was really cute.

All of us were like at some kind of tourist place, looking around at nice places. Then the staff were handing out merchandise from the tour with SHINee photo's on it. So all the members were picking out their own photos, and when it was my turn, I wanted to take Jonghyun's photo. But Jong was there and he was like, I wan't my own photo too. Lol.

So we were kind of in a little arguement about who will get his photo. And I kept telling him that I wanted it. I never knew who got it at the end, cause I woke up.

I woke up so happy. I was like, I can't believe that I had a dream about them. Aish, I was so happpy. :')

But being so happy made me worry. Am I really that crazy over him? It's upsetting because I know I'll never have him, and I might be even more upset when reality tries to pull me out of my bubble. Will I survive? Am I really going crazy? :(

I'm sorry to be such a burden to you guys. I just need some advice. I don't know what to do, and who to tell. My mum wont take me to a psychologist cause she thinks I'm exaggerating about my depression. But when I went to one alone, they said I needed help. I even told my mum that, but she still doesn't want to help me.

But I don't like the feeling of crying. I don't want to cry anymore. Even thinking of Jonghyun makes me cry. Thinking of my life goals make me cry. I can't think of anything.

What should I do? :(