Yeah pretty self- explanatory. I'm back after my heavy schedules, exams and practise and I'm definitely back from my pathetic puddle of self-pity. I took a break over the last 3 days with my family at a resort and had a talk with my close friend; I realised I wasn't as bad, as pathetic, as cynical as I pictured myself to be. I wasn't useless. All I had done was to see the huge ugly flaw in myself just like how we see the big ugly pimple on our noses when we fail to see our true beauty.

So what that I failed to make it to top 10 although my best friend did, so what if I lost the chance of filming an MV and going back to acting, so what if I had lost a chance of winning the prize of $600. So what if I missed the chance of being trained under the dance producer of BAP and Nu'EST? So what?

I was really pathetic. I saw the bad in everything. I was really upset then. And, my family, although I knew they didn't meant it, kept telling me I couldn't do it; surrounding me in a bubble of negativity. But my friend gave me a scolding after I texted her and she said this:

You made it to top 30 among all the hundreds of people that joined. You taught yourself basically every genre of dance beside ballet and modern, how would people who actually learned hip hop feel when they know that they lost to a girl who's younger than them and taught herself it? You can do a lot of things but you're just not aware because you're focused on your flaws. You laughed and made a joke of yourself when people approached you to do modelling, not once but three to four times. Your friend was willing to pay you $25/h to model for her blogshop yet you turned her down because you said you looked like a potato and you weren't good enough. You turned down your friend's offer for a role in her theatre production because you said you weren't up to standard. And, why the hell are you so insecure about yourself when a complete stranger boy you met on the bus follows you to your stop, stalk you for a good ten minutes before asking bashfully for your number after saying ' you're pretty'. Why the hell are you so insecure Anthea?

You can play the piano, you can play the guitar, you can write, you can dance, you can skate, you can ski, you can swim, you can play bowl, you can play pool, you can play golf, you can act, you can cycle, you can bake, you can cook, you can debate, you can challenge the teachers because you have all the guts in the world,  you can do almost everything with your annoying determination and courage of yours,  you can do so many other freaking things that I can't so why the are you feeling pathetic? Do not make me come over from Malaysia and kick your to knock some sense into you.

Stop comparing yourself to your arse of a class. You are you, you are who you are. what the rest of the world thinks. You compare yourself with your own standard. 

It woke me up. I never knew I could do so many things despite being average in them. I realised I could do many things and it was me, who refused to acknowledge them. Thinking I was never good enough, measuring myself with a yardstick so long that I could see no end. The producer of the reality show also told me and my friend this: you lot have potential I can see, I've been in this field for over ten years, I know talents when I see one; work harder and develop them and never give up. You'll succeed.

Yeah, how could I compare. It was my first audition, while it was my friend's nth one - from SM audition to JYP to Kpop music festival champion in vocal category to kpop starhunt finalist. It wasn't even fair. I knew that I had to work harder because I was lacking in many areas, it was a nice experience knowing where I stood and learning from there.

I would continue writing, I won't give it up for anything in the world. But, I'm going to be changing the group that I'll be focusing for. For a year, I've been writing stories all about EXO, it's time I moved on to my other groups. I would finish up my EXO stories on hand and start writing about Infinite, VIXX, U-KISS, Beast, Teen Top; I would still write about EXO because you won't survive here if you don't but they won't be the lead. It's time for other groups to take the spotlight. I've already drafted out a rough idea for a couple of Infinite fics that I might most probably send for publishing instead because I really like the plot. It'll be in late 2015 and early 2016, definitely not anytime soon.

Next, I'll be on major hiatus from next year onwards, from 4th February onwards. That means no updates, no messages, no blogs. Absolutely nothing. Because I've got to focus on my nationals next year. 5 points for a psychology course that's crazy and there're only 2 schools offering it so wow competition, I love it. I'll still write but like 1 chapter in 4 months? I'll only allocate 2 hours to writing every week on Friday from next year onwards. When the time is up, I'll stop. I'll lose readers but hey, look who gives a ? 

That's all from me. 

PS: And MAMA awards, despite being an EXO-L, I felt that EXO didn't deserve artist of the year and Best Album awards. Super Junior really deserved artist of the year, SS6 was hilarious and perfect, they really made a huge comeback this year in every expect and Best album really should have went to Infinite, they really deserved it ( Last Romeo as best dance choreo and Infinite as fans best choice, yes I agree because it was amazing, the dance, it described the separation and desperation that they have to find their Juliet and Infinite has the best fan service besides U-KISS. But TVXQ slayed it with something, never would I have thought of strings and marionette like dance-moves.) Season 2 was an incredible album, the sound tracks were breathtaking, Overdose EP, the songs were nice but it's nothing fantastic, they didn't have the 'wow' factor like Season 2. Let's just hope the year-end awards would be more worthwile and the artist who're getting the awards are more deserving ( but that's like it's ever going to happen.)