Hello, Katakatica here. Sorry sorry for the time it took me to make this but yeah, things have been going on. Anyway, hope you'll like your poster. Here it is:

                                                                                                                    

POSTER LINK STORY LINK

Please do credit me (Katakatica) and the shop after picking up.

Thank you <3

 

Ta-dah!

 

 

Your request was pretty vague, so I took it upon myself to make the poster a little darker (if that's okay)! tbh I really had no idea what I was doing but hey, it turned out alright :3 hope you like! Link us back to your story once you have it up! ^^-b

— Jenday-nim~

 

 

Title: Teacher's Pet
Author: babblebubbleteaxoxo
Reviewer:dennisse

Title 3/5

It doesn’t encourage curiosity from readers, and it doesn’t stand out, but it fits well with your story.

poster 3/10

The poster is a bit amateurish, messy and a bit all over the place. The font doesn’t work with what you’ve got going on there. Actually, it just doesn’t work. Kyungsoo’s picture looks out of place.

It also doesn’t relate to the story, save the phrases you put in.

plot 6/10

I can’t say that this plot is unique because I’ve seen this around somewhere.

There are also cliché elements that I think weren’t made use of full well.
 

Foreword 6/10
I didn’t particularly like your foreword because of the blaring bold font and the sudden change in the font color.

I think your description just doesn’t say much of a statement so it doesn’t actually capture attention.

It looks like a mess to me, so maybe you can reformat it in a way? Put the poster in the center.

Also, I disliked the character chart because it told us more than what we need to know. Those details should’ve been in the story. More on this part below…

characters 5/10

Jongin was a cliché character, and I just sort of cringed at the idea of fangirls because it wasn’t used well. In other fics, it’s a little bearable, but here…no.

I felt that the buildup in the characters (Jongin and Sehun) were done wrong, because their backgrounds were somewhat thrown in randomly.

Kyungsoo on the other hand, was a bit of a surprise because he was also interested in Kai, and I think that makes sense if there’s going to be in here.

details 8/10

I feel lacking with your details. I feel that you can do more.
 

grammar 8/10

Your grammar is pretty much on point, I don’t see much errors, just that you shouldn’t put two people’s dialogues in the same paragraph because it looks messy and confusing.

mood 11/20

I felt that this is too casual of a story. And I’m worried because the author voice sounds so young and there’d be so I can’t say I’ll be glad to hear that.

Overall:50/85=59%

Title: Abject Vicissitude
Author: esotericrose
Characters: Mostly Taengsic
Genres: Angst, Tragedy, Romance
Reviewer: Jenday

I don’t usually review (this is my first story review actually), but some people are trying to get things done around here. So here I am! Hope this will serve you well. ^^

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Title – 4/5

‘Abject Vicissitude’ is clearly original to your story, but the concept of the title itself isn’t. Using two, difficult-to-define words to title angst stories is very common. In fact they’re a little too difficult; the title looks nice, but a good number of readers would still have to look it up to figure out what it means. It’s just a fancier version of the title ‘Bad Luck’.

However, the title is original due to its complexity and it fits, in a nutshell, with the story.

 

Poster – 6/10

It’s a little around the rough edges, strictly amateur. I would have liked to see some more themes to connect it with the story. For example, maybe the meteor shower, a canvas, something that connects the characters to the plot. Black and white is definitely characteristic of angst, but color, depending on which mood you want to imply, can work well too. The quotes are important, but they’re not necessary here; the foreword/description would have been a better place for that.

But yes, it’s a lot better than some other graphics out there, and it /somewhat/ relates to the story (it is a bit of a generic Taengsic poster). Perhaps you should invest in a poster-making shop? /cOUGHheartbreak

 

Plot – 6.5/10

Very, very, very, cliché plot, at least in my opinion. The way you described it, ‘love story gone wrong’, really defines the clichés. You have the traumatic past with the ex-girlfriend, the unrequited love, the seemingly-gay best friend, the lost artist, and the beautifully perfect soul set to die dramatically because of a rare disease.

I found the past instance with Tiffany a little anti-climatic. I mean, you would expect Taeyeon to be hung up over that breakup (it was rough, yes, but it’s still expected). I hoping that when she confessed her past to Jessica, Taeyeon would also admit that she murdered Tiffany in cold blood but Jess would still accept her, showcasing her own flaw to be blinded by love (that’s just me though).

There were some instances that had me off the clichés and interested, but it really didn’t have anything to do with Taengsic’s love line, or the main plot.

 

Foreword /Description – 10/10

I really liked it, as short as it was. It gives insight into your writing and the overall theme of the story. No deductions here. Great work!

 

Characters – 7.5/10

I was particularly interested in Yoona’s character, because she seemed to display another side to her rough and sharp-tongued personality, especially when she monologued her concerns about Taeyeon and Jessica’s relationship. Her relationship with Taeyeon is strictly ‘-buddy’ status, but something between the lines implied that she did like Taeyeon past that, and I thought that was interesting. To me, she’s more significant than the other side characters because she drives the plot more than the mains do; after all, she did stand up to Jessica (in the , no less).

You’re gonna have to walk me through this one because I saw no point in Lee Sunny. Yes, she was the heartbroken unrequited heroine in her own melodrama, but what did she actually serve to the plot? Even without Sunny, Taeyeon would have still gone grocery shopping and met Jessica at the café. Sure, she drove Taeyeon to become emo out of her mind and get drunk enough to have a stand with Yoona, but she didn’t actually drive the plot in that retrospect. I’d imagine that Jess would still fall in love with Taeyeon even without Sunny bursting out the door in her dramatic wallowing. In my mind, Sunny’s pretty much a mirror of Taeyeon until the last chapters, where she literally has no presence.

Heechul was a bit illusive too. He does voice out his concerns for Taeyeon, but in the end is only there to console her (which doesn’t really work, nice job Heechul). It would be great if he had a plot of his own, but if not him, who else would save the girl from herself? Speaking of Taeyeon, I found her character to be pretty believable. She is realistically flawed to her own doom; blinded by love, driven by emotions. I found that she seemed to like Jess only for her looks, which again, is a realistic flaw. Her instant personality change from person to person was interesting as well, showing that she was only human. The only thing I would say is that her little womanizer act at the clubs is uncharacteristic of her, especially when she could barely uphold a conversation with Jess in the beginning (but hey, alcohol does things).

And finally, on Jessica; the reason why I say Taeyeon is in it for the looks is because Jess is actually so boring. Yeah, she’s perfect, a little too perfect, almost like a graceful robot. She’s totally selfless, kind, like an angel. I actually like that connection; that Taeyeon is such a flawed human and Jess is the perfect angel (albeit still boring). When she dies of disease at the end, even though its cliché, it defines her humanity and that she is the same as everyone else. But it’s still not clear why Jess is in love with Taeyeon, or why she asked to share tables in the first place.

 

Details – 7/10
Grammar – 8/10

Okay. Uh, I don’t know about you, but doesn’t 20k for a four-chaptered story sound a bit much?

I’m a er for old Victorian novels that go on and on about things, but sometimes it can get really wordy and tedious (your writing sounds like Sunny). There were some points where I really appreciate the details and wording (esp. the first paragraph, what an impression), but there were times I found it a bit ridiculous:
 

‘Today is grocery shopping day. It’s about a few minutes or so past the official standard for noon, and there’s a steady rivulet of customers entering and leaving the local E-mart.’
 

Please… Just say it’s a few minutes past noon. Or better yet, just say it’s early afternoon… Sometimes you can have too much detail, so try to filter out what you need versus what the readers should already know (we’ve been to a grocer before, we know what it’s like). Try using one adjective to describe something instead of five, like ‘silky coconut-scented locks’; why do we need to know if Yoona’s hair smells like coconuts? Even then, why do we need to know if her hair is silky?

Your words of choice are a bit difficult as well, with a dose of ‘you’re-trying-too-hard’. Try having a beta-reader. If they have the impulse to pull out a dictionary for more than half of the reading, tone down the vocab a bit. Sometimes going simpler is better.

I found some technical difficulties during my read. Ellipses should have three dots, not four or two. And try to use them sparingly. It sounds like your characters are pausing after every two words, or constantly trailing off. I’d also to advise to spare the emphasis as well (the bolding, italics, and text-aligning). I get that you want to emphasise some words, but bolding isn’t the way to go about it. Italics should be used to indicate thought, flashbacks, (some) emphasis and sometimes indirect conversations (i.e. phone calls). You tend to use italics in normal dialogue, which confuses me because I don’t know if they are speaking with their mouths or their mind.
 

“Yoona!” The urgency overflows, crackling igniting, and Taeyeon can’t summon Yoona to the world of reality. Panic-stricken, she’s done everything to wake the sleeping woman up, short of slapping her senseless. “Yoona! Wake up! Quickly!”
 

Using italics for ‘short of’ is correct and effective, but for the rest it does not. You also don’t need the bolding there because you’ve already stated Taeyeon’s urgency and panic, so the readers should know what she sounds like without the boldface.

 

Mood – 15/20

The pacing is a bit awkward at times, especially when you’re transitioning from scene to scene. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’re switching the setting because there’s a lack of end and divider; you just switch it, and sometimes I have read back to understand properly.

And then there are those times when you awkwardly switch between points of view. This happened when Jessica finally texted Taeyeon and the latter texts Yoona for her help; you switched between Taeyeon’s POV to suddenly Yoona’s, revealing some hidden character before jumping back to Taeyeon. It left me a little confused, and wanting to read a bit more into Yoona’s predicament but we went back into Taengsic’s love line like nothing happened.

At the end where Taeyeon decides to call Krystal, you suddenly addressed the reader. Since you didn’t do so at all before, it was kind of weird and made the story less personal. It yanks us out from the heat of the story, and makes us realize that this is just a piece of fiction and has no reality.

But nevertheless, you did manage to portray appropriate moods at the right times. Specifically the ‘fleeting hope’ when Taengsic were happy; I felt the darkness looming in your words, soon to come. As I’ve said, some details were absolutely beautiful in the right places, some were just really ridiculous.

 

Final Comments

It was a long and tedious read, not that it’s your story in particular, it’s just that I’m not much of a reader, haha. The plot is simple but you’ve managed to write it out amazingly with the correct tones. There was some good character development and some where there was no development, but nevertheless still an OK read. My final advice; sparingly, please.

 

Score: 64/85 = 75.29%

 

 

 

Konnichiwa! Taodaypanda here, and let me start off by saying I am deeply sorry your review took forever. I haven’t been in the best shape for a while. Anyways, Today we’re going to be reviewing Rain by ihatey0u. IKIMASHOO!

Title: 5/5

The title is very simplistic, and ambiguous. Rain symbolizes several feelings: Change, Depression, etc. The overall theme cannot be grasped from just reading the title; therefore, your title is adequate.

 

Foreword/Desc: 7/10

The description is slightly too graphic. The point of the description/foreword is to grab the reader’s attention, not to scare them away. That being said, it will depend on the intended audience whether they will enjoy the story or not, having read the description.

 

Plot: 10/10

The plot is dark, lustful, and does an excellent job at trying to obtain the ‘Psychological Thriller’ title. The story ended with a bang (NO SPOILERS, I SWEAR XD), which can make the reader break out into tears, and or enjoy the entire story.

 

Grammar/Diction: 10/10

Little to no grammatical errors were found. The diction in the story is suitable for any reader who can handle the genre.

 

Details: 9/10

Each little detail in the story is very graphic - the story digs into the inner psyche. The suspense added in between also keeps the audience at the edge of their seats.

 

Mood: 18/20

Dark and lustful, served with a side of blood and angst. The perfect recipe for a beautifully dark story. Excellent work.

 

Overall: 59/65 (90.8% = 91%)

 

CONGRATS! YOU GOT FEATURED! Sorry if this review was a bit short, but most of my reviews target grammar and diction. Like I said, your grammar and diction was spot on ;) I really enjoyed your story, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with next. FIGHTING!!!

 

-Taodaypanda

 

Story Here!

I hope you like it! ^^ Sorry if the poster's too simple, I'll work harder next time -bows-

Enjoy!

Poster (Hi Res)

Background (Hi Res)

-Taodaypanda-

 Title: When I'm Gone | Author: dennisse |  Kim Jongin and Do kyungsoo | Genres: Angst | Reviewer: CynicalEmpathy

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Title | 3/5

The title of the story is very commonly used and simple. Stories that have a simple title tends to attract viewers more. Though, your title was too simple. It has bascially no meaning behind it, except one. A better title would've been somewhere around: Somehwere Away, because "away" can give off a good feeling, or a bad feeling. Even though it's common and simple, your title has a great connection towards your story.

 

Poster | 0/10

There was no poster. Always remember to request for a poster/banner/background, so it can give an overall preview for your story. 

 

Plot | 8/10

I don't know if your story plot was very common or not, but it was amazing. I loved how each character had something special to contribute throughout the whole story. One thing I didn't like about the plot was that it appeared very confusing. I noticed that you wrote in first person, but whooever's thought it was, was unknown. A tip for writing in first person: Always indicate somewhere along the thoughts who is thinking. You can always naturally state who's thinking, but if you want to stay a bit more mysterious, you can always indicate it somehwere along the second sentence.

 

Foreword /Description – 9/10

Your description was short, and that's a good thing. Long descriptions are never liked because it either gives away too much of the storyline, or has no connection to the story whatsoever. I took away a point because you could've replaced some words, or added a bit more words to make it a bit more interesting.

 

Characters – 10/10

About the characters, Kyungsoo's character really interested me. He had a unique sixth sense, and I really love sixth senses. Kyungsoo was the one who can see the future (if I'm not mistaken). It's nice to know how he doesn't just avoids his vision and tells Kai about his vision. Along with Kai, I honestly don't understand his character. Does he have a sixth sense too? Sometimes adding a short bio of the characters in the foreword would really help the readers. Anyways, the way Kai stays with Kyungsoo all the way 'till death at the end is just fascinating. 

 

Details – 7/10

Your details were very minimum on the larger events, but maximum on the smaller events. Try to arrange your details more, so it doesn't give off a boring feeling or a confusing feeling. For example, don't give too much details on how the character acts, but more on how the character is feeling. Kyungsoo had enough feeling portrayed but Kai had almost no feelings portrayed.  

Grammar – 10/10

Yeah. You did a great job on your grammar and spelling. No errors!

 

Mood – 12/20

The mood? It gave off a painful feeling, trying to figure out whether or not Kyungsoo or Kai will stay together until the end. The story started off slowly at the beginning, but towards the middle it started getting funky. Everything was confusing. Towards the end, it ended abruptly. Honestly, I didn't think they'd die like that.

 

Final Comments

Your story was amazing. I really love sad, angst-like stories, and
you added a bit of sixth sense into it, which is cool.  Although, if you
made your story a three-shot,  it would've anticipated
the readers more, but that's just my opinion. 

 

Score: 59/85

Title: Abandoned Wolf

Author: TheFourLittleDevils

Characters: EXO

Reviewer: Katakatica

 

Title:7/ 10

 

Fitting but too straightforward and cliched. To be honest, when I first read the story (being a fan of wolfAU I have encountered it before), it did draw me in, but at second glance it's honestly nothing special. However, it isn't too bad either. Only, it's not as catchy as it could be.

Foreword + Description: 10/ 15

Seems okay to me, not unusual but pretty catchy. However, there are a few things that can throw off the picky readers. For example, you use the same words a bit too often. I know that it's tough not to use Kyungsoo's name over and over again, but it would really make the description a bit more catchy. Find more adjectives for him, try to describe the surroundings and so on instead of repeating the same name over and over. However, it is fine and I quite like how you have a trailer and all.

Layout (poster+fonts+appearance): 10/ 10

Flawless. Easy to read and with a cool poster. I really don't have anything to mention here.

Grammar: 7/15

Biggest putdown for me in your story. While the expressions you use are pretty good, somehow your grammar is..not. I mean, it's mainly tiny mistakes like using many different tenses (future, past and present) in the same chapter and so on. I'd recommend you to re-read your chapters and try to find a fitting tense. I like the idea of your type of narrative, but using future in it just doesn't do it for me. However, all in all it's not too bad. Since text-selections isn't allowed, I decided against copying your errors, however if you want me to show you what I found (it's not too bad by the way, I'm just picky), then just PM me.

Plot:25 / 25 (originality, believability, plot-twists)

It's somewhat original for a wolfAU, and for some reason I find it quite believable. I like how you didn't spend 10-20 chapters on describing how Kyungsoo lives...that would have made the entire story boring, but like this somehow the plot itself was exciting to me. It's probably because it flowed well. Also, I like the idea of everyone being so... 'in love' with Kyungsoo even in the beginning. It shows a great contrast to how cruel and sweet life can be.

Characters: 15/ 15

I like how they are pretty diverse in a way. Maybe a bit too 'cliche or ordinary, but I found nothing wrong with them. Kyungsoo is extra adorable by the way. I love characters like him.

Flow:9 / 10

It's good, readable and things happen at the right pace but the grammatical problems (mainly the usage of wrong tenses) can make it stagger a little. However, generally I think it's good.

 

Style: 10/ 10

I love how your vocabulary, it's pretty wide and not awkward at all. I also like how you seem to know what you want your readers to think and feel. BUT at some points the narratives gets a little odd. I can't quite grasp why but when you try to 'talk' to the reader in a way (for example in the beginning when you described Soo's personality and all, you were pretty straightforward/direct to your reader... I'm not sure if in fanfictions it's a good thing. However, there's nothing wrong with it, it's just my little thought.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/ 10

Not bad at all, I can see why you have so many readers. Grammar could use some help but it's not as bad as some fanfictions' are so...

Score:102 / 120 => 85%

 

Katakatica's Note :

Please do pick up and credit. Sorry for the delay and short review, my mind is blank and well..I had work for the majority of July, then school stuff nowadays and yeah... I was busy. But it's a good fic so...I don't think you needed another review to prove that <3

 

Ta-dah!

 

 

My excuse is that I'm in a bit of a slump, haha --" regardless, here's the background! Hope you like! ^^

Story here!

- Jenday-nim~

 

 

Title: Saudade
Author: Its_Ally
Characters: Krystal (OC), Chen, Suho
Genres: Romance, Angst
Reviewer: Jenday

Hello! I’ve decided to review again ^^ I understand this is your first story, so I’ll try to help you as much as possible! =u=

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Title – 3.5/5

Although I do find its foreign origins a little intriguing, it is a bit harder on other readers who may have to look it up to fully understand what it means. And because it’s foreign, it’s hard to pronounce (in my opinion anyway) so it’s harder to remember and leave a lasting impression on readers. A lot of popular works have titles that are really easy to say and remember! (Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Cin-der-ell-ah)

Unfortunately, there are a lot of other stories on AFF with the same title, so it may be difficult for yours to stand out. ‘Saudade’ does fit your story really well though, so points for that! ^^

 

Poster – 0/0

No points taken off since you had someone else make your poster. It is a nice graphic though!

 

Foreword/Description – 5/10

To be honest, there’s nothing remotely unique in the description that pulls me into reading. Sure, you’ve highlighted the main plot points but in a way that’s a little cliché and it’s hard to focus on what your story is about. Is it about Krystal’s accident? Her amnesia? Her attachment to two ‘fictional’ boys? Is it about Chen?  Remember, a description is not only summarizing what your story will be about, but it also shows off your writing style to potential readers. There’s no particular wow-factor, so I wouldn’t really read this on a normal day.

I guess I don’t totally mind the definition on the word ‘saudade’, but personally I think the whole thing would look better if you just put the definition there by itself. It’s still commonplace to put definitions in descriptions (like a lot of authors assume we’re too dumb or lazy to search up things), but it would look better.

 

Plot – 2/10

It’s not very original, so your story unfortunately does not serve anything new to the table. There are plenty of stories involving amnesia after an accident, and there are plenty involving hallucinations about boys you may or may not have met (and sometimes, they’re all the same story). Of course not everything has to be original, but you should make the story your own whether it’s through your writing style or other means. You can do the same thing, but try it differently!

As I’ve stated before, it’s hard to find a focus. What is your story really about? You’ve mentioned the accident, but gisted over it like it really wasn’t a big part of the story (which it should be). I think Krystal should have more of an attachment towards what happened before and after the accident, rather than moving on so quickly. It’s very unlike for a trauma victim to get over it so fast. I'd imagine her conflicts between imagination and reality would have been an interesting read as well. You ghosted over it, moved onto the next arc like it was nothing.

 

Characters – 3/10

Before I go into detail, I just want to mention that your character Krystal is not an OC. Even if the personality is different, you’re using an actual person’s name and face, so it’s not original. You shouldn’t confuse people, right? :)

Speaking of Krystal, she’s an incredibly flat character. By this I mean how many times have we seen the distraught bookworm of a wallflower?  I’ve seen her type of character so much it’s literally become a cliché. I’d imagine some would get annoyed with her, because she is boring on one end and stubborn the other (she’s a brat to be honest; not far from the real thing, huh? /shot). I do see some development with the way she accepts her hallucinations and how she agrees to meet Chen’s friends, but what on earth made her change her mind? You didn’t really explain her development process.

Having flaws does make a character more interesting, but her flaws don’t move the plot in any direction. The only reason why the plot moves is because of Chen. So in way, Krystal has no point and she’s only interesting/the main character is because of her hallucinations. She’s hard to relate to as well; you want to connect your story to the readers by providing a real, relatable character.  

On the subject of Chen, I guess he’s intended to be a ‘mysterious’ character, which I guess is fine if you want to build suspense. I heavily suspect that he is the boy Krys was speaking to at the time of the accident, and that’s because you dropped a ton of hints on us. But I could be wrong!

 

Details – 4/10

I think one of your weaknesses is not knowing when to use detail where. For example, you wrote so much on the library scene. But how many people know what writers you’re talking about or actually care how at home Krys feels? The center point of the story, I believe, is on Chen and the hallucinations, not the library. I didn’t really see anything significant to that scene except for maybe meeting Chen there.

There’s also a lack of details, especially in the beginning chapters. The prologue is fine because it’s supposed to be vague and suspenseful. But Krys was in the hospital for maybe like, half a chapter. Even if you want to focus on what happened after she got discharged, don’t you think her therapy sessions and hallucinatory stays at the hospital are a little important? There’s a lack of introduction, and you didn’t allow your readers to settle and get to know the characters before jumping into the action (you didn’t even introduce Krys properly! D;)

When I read the first chapter, the first thing I assumed is that Kyrs wakes up the day after the accident and gets to know what happened from the doctor/her parents. But instead the story started from when she gets discharged and left me a little confused. When did these hallucinations start? Wasn’t someone in the car with her? Where the heck did that guy go? Are her parents hiding something from her? What kind of therapist blatantly tells their patient to forget their dreams instead of evaluating them?????? (I’m really sorry OTL)

You’ve raised a lot of questions right from the beginning, but it doesn’t seem like you’re going to answer them anytime soon with how the plot is playing out.

 

Grammar – 7/10

First-person writing is quite hard to master, especially when you’re just starting out. There can be a lot of repetitive ‘I did this, I did that’, and a common mistake to make is going overboard. First-person is strictly what that person is thinking and doing, and nothing else. So you’ll really have to put yourself in that person’s shoes; what would your character say? Would normal people use ‘anguish’, ‘elongate’, poetic lines or describe every sound and sight on any given day? Yeah, Krys does read a lot which can lead to extensive vocabulary, but it makes her sound like a drama queen in her own melodrama.

There were some little errors like punctuation mistakes and the like. There isn’t any too big to dock off points for, but I’d still suggest a beta-reader to proof your stuff!

 

Mood – 8/20

The later chapters are much better, but the beginning was especially rocky and a little difficult for me to settle into the story. There are lot of things that distract me from actually reading, especially small mistakes, awkward scene transitions and random bolding. I know you want to differ her hallucinations from reality, but wouldn’t it be cool to integrate her visions as if they were part of reality, and then snap— she suddenly wakes up? It’s just a personal opinion, but I think that’d really catch readers by surprise.

Although I only read 4-6 chapters, the pacing of the plot is incredibly slow. This is probably due to the fact that your chapters are really short (most aim for about 1, 600 to 2, 000 words per chapter). I would recommend cutting when you end a day or change scenes, instead of stretching one day over 2-3 chapters. For example, chapters five and six could be a single chapter. So honestly, it doesn’t matter how long a chapter is, you just need to know when to cut it off.

The plot pacing is too slow, but the story is too fast. There's too many events happening in one chapter, but nothing really seems to happen, do you know what I mean? You have two solutions to this 1) longer chapters and 2) the plot needs to move faster.

 

Final Comments

Overall, it was a bit of a hard read with one thing or another bothering me every paragraph. You need to pace yourself properly, explain what really needs to be explained and focus on the main points. I recommend reading other works, especially those that use first-person, and getting others to proof your story. I think you have some potential seeing as the ideas and writing techniques aren’t bad for a beginner, so good job and keep at it! ^^

 

Score – 32.5/75 = 43.33%

 

 

 

 

Ta-dah! 

 

  

I actually like how these turned out! ^^ Pick whichever one you like. Backgrounds are here: [ONE] & [TWO] Have a nice day >u< 

Story here! 

- Jenday-nim~

 

 

Gwarsh, if you didn't say that you wanted a background, I wouldn't have done one D: Anyway, here you go! I made it all dark-lightish looking so you could get the angst mixed with lovey dovey romance from the story. MUAH!I last did a poster three months ago, so I thought it would be actually worse, which would instantly make me give my request to Jenday or Kata... which means I have totally lost hope in myself :D 

You liked it? Then please leave a comment and credit the shop in your description!

[LINK] Background.

Title: Challenge Accepted
Author: Kpopismylyfe
Characters: OC + EXO-K
Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance.
Reviewer: Jenday

Title – 4/5

‘Challenge Accepted’ is a fairly easy title to remember and easy on the ears as well! It’s straight-forward and you can get a sense of what the story’s about. Unfortunately it’s not entirely original. There are plenty of other stories with the same title. It’s good, but not the best. There has to be more of a bang, you know?
 

Poster – 6.5/10

I get a melodramatic feeling from it, but with all the angst and () that’s about to come forth I wish the poster was a bit darker. The pink gives it a soft, lighter look, almost comparable to puppies and feathers. Looking at the poster one assumes the title will be something corny like ‘Tears’ or ‘Sunsets’. I honestly think the story is not a light read, so a dark graphic would have done it justice maybe?

There are some technical details I’m not going to get into since it is simple design (the fade-ins could be better and there are better type choices, for example!). Nonetheless, it is still a very beautiful and attractive poster! ^^
 

Plot – 2/10

If you’re using the word ‘kingka’, then the plot is probably already clichéd. The story’s not original and honestly, I don’t find it even remotely interesting. Have you ever considered searching up the title or the plot summary yourself? There are countless of fics with similar plots and if not, the same plot.

I’m going to assume that yes, you will put your own twists to it but the ending is already predictable. No one will read it knowing the ending already.

I think part of the reason why this certain plot is so bad is because of the characters it uses. You could have a very simple plot but with realistically flawed characters that make the story so much more alive and less predictable. So the main flaw for this story is its characters, which I will elaborate on below :)
 

Foreword – 4.5/10

The thing about using layouts and HTML is that it’s never pretty for mobile readers or users with different screen resolutions. I don’t think it’s a huge problem since those people can always enable readability, but that kind of defeats the whole purpose of the layout.

Anyway, the first thing I want to point out is that even if you make something look pretty, it doesn’t automatically make it better. ^^ The description and foreword are both very beautiful, but their contents are… To be frank, the plot is mostly explained in the summary and in a clichéd way (she is this and he is that what will happen?!)

The character profiles are okay, but I would have liked it 257% more if you didn’t add those titles. They just scream of clichés, and many people (me) disapprove of that. If you can label your characters with a single word, they’re not good characters. Any normal human being is complex enough that they cannot be defined or explained with one word. I also find some of these terms offensive, for example ‘the plastic’. What’s wrong with being plastic? Why is that relevant to your story? Is that something you should really point out?

You’ve just explained to the readers half of your entire plot and what stereotypical characters you’re going to use. This may appeal to readers on a commercial level, but if you’re seeking to improve your writing this is not the way to go. If any story was presented like this, no matter how good it is I wouldn’t read it. If you want to keep the profiles I suggest being consistent with it (color pictures for everyone and not squishing a picture if it’s not the right size; cut them out yourself!). Personally, I think having the very first quote there would do just fine.

Also, I don’t know why some people are so uptight on copyright… The general public should know by default it’s wrong to plagiarize, and those that don’t are stupid and you shouldn’t waste your time warning such stupidity. If you really wanted to stop plagiarism, you should disable text selection, right?
 

Characters – 2/10

I’ve already stressed this enough, but I’ll say it again: the characters are bad.

Let’s start with Yeonhee. She’s an introverted ‘nerd’ with a traumatic past and the inability to perceive and project emotions. How many times have we seen this character before? Her personality is so common and predictable in fan fiction, it makes her uninteresting. There’s nothing to like about her. Readers want to be able to relate to characters or at least like them. Apparently she’s also smart and drop-dead gorgeous. Other than her cold exterior (this unsurprisingly breaks under pressure), she has no flaws. Character flaws are essential because it provides realistic depth and does not make for a flat, unrealistic character (they call this a 2-D character). How many people in reality are trauma victims, unsociable, smart and beautiful?
Also, I just want to point out that putting on thick glasses does not automatically reform your face nor does it make you a nerd (I find this offensive too; so if I took off my glasses, will I become a beautiful maiden?) Make-up does do wonders, but the amount Yeonhee puts on for work shouldn’t make her unrecognizable. Yes, you’re going to argue that Yeonhee covers up at school so she’s basically a no-face, but considering she’s a top student she should be popular enough for people to know what she looks like (you never said she was not popular).
Someone pointed out that it’s illegal for minors to work in adult establishments, and Yeonhee apparently skipped two full grades (believe it or not, you cannot skip grades in Korea. They do promote special education for the gifted though), and is sixteen years old. Even if she has connections, it’s still very illegal and wouldn’t they have to pay fines if the ministry found out? (One of my stories is centered on bar life, I did my research. You should too!) And final point (I’m sorry this is getting really long), I think people should stop using Baek Sumin as the face of their characters. Undeniably she is beautiful, but she’s not a stock character.  

On our lovely group of ‘kingkas’, why do you have to incorporate EXO-K’s stereotypes into your story? Why does Kyungsoo have to be called ‘D.O’ and be motherly? Why is Suho the rich CEO? And this bothers me more than anything; why does EXO-K have to be insanely popular? It’s okay if they’re mildly popular, but it shouldn’t be to the point where everyone is blinded by their ‘good looks’ (going by Korean standards, Kai is too dark and Kyungsoo/Baek are too short to be popular) and the principal gives them a private room because apparently it’s too dangerous to let them free in the cafeteria. The entire school should not revolve around a group of boys. They’re not even idols yet. High school boys are freaking gross, having awkward times growing out of puberty and . They’re very short of being worship-material, trust me.

People see Baek as the ‘prince’ but does anyone not notice he’s a total ? Does everyone in the entire school lack a guilty conscience? Sora hired two guys to Yeonhee and stayed behind to watch. Even if you hate someone’s guts, there is a line between pranks and being responsible for . It’s the 21^st century, no one does mustard pranks and no one certainly hires anyone to (it’s mainly cyber-bullying, unfortunately). Yet Sora is not entirely to blame; was Yeonhee not smart enough to report this to a teacher or did she just not care? She could even ask a counsellor to handle it quietly as well.

Your characters definitely need work. They are stereotypical, unrealistic and have been intensely cookie-cut. By this I mean they are stuck in this mold you cut out for them, and cannot expand or develop as realistic characters. You need to throw away these stupid labels such as ‘nerd’, ‘player’, or ‘plastic’ and let them become real people.
 

Details – 4/10

There is a terrible mistake that a lot of writers do and it’s a technique called ‘showing, not telling’. What I mean by this is you tend to tell the readers a lot of things, but it’s always more effective to explain a story (especially character) by showing it and not telling it. For example, if your friend is telling you something that happened at school, but you don’t entirely understand what they’re going on about. Then she says, ‘you just had to be there’. If John is nervous, don’t tell the readers ‘John is nervous’. Show an actual scenario where he is being nervous. Say something like, ‘while fumbling with his fingers, John swallows a lump in his throat while staring at the pretty girl.’ So don’t go on and on about what a person is like, show the readers what the person is like during the actual story.

There are a lot of details in the story that are especially irrelevant and usually drive attention away from what you’re actually talking about. For example, Yeonhee had a simple egg and sausage breakfast.

Okay. And?

Honestly, you can chop down a buttload of the story because of all the unnecessary details you’ve put in. The entire prologue can be cut because prologues are supposed to be vague, introductory pieces that smooth the readers in. But you explained Yeonhee’s life story all in one chapter and now we know all about her and we don’t get to learn that much for the rest of the story. You tend to do this when introducing new characters as well. You could even get rid of most of the characters, since I don’t see any real point in them other than the fact that you wanted to squish all of EXO in there. Try to condense it as much as you can.
 

Grammar – 6/10

I don’t have a lot of problems with your writing style. Tenses are good, very few spelling and punctuation errors.  I just notice that you tend to use a lot of commas, sometimes two in the same sentence (there were three once). You also use some uncommon words like ‘albeit’ a lot, and it always distracts me. Once a reader starts noticing consistency, it’ll keep distracting them and won’t make their read any more fun.

You also go a bit overboard on the adjectives/adverbs.

“Man, I can’t believe it! We did better than expected.” D.O smiled in relief before he fist-bumped a smirking Baekhyun.

“Told you so.” Baekhyun proudly grinned as he leaned back against his chair.

--

“You guys, who’s Kim Yeonhee?” Sehun curiously wondered as he stared at the name ranked as first. 

You’ve stated that Baek smiled twice. You wrote that Sehun ‘curiously wondered’ when ‘wondered’ by itself should already imply curiosity. Try not to be redundant. Use adjectives and adverbs sparingly while writing. It’ll save up some space and unnecessary details as well. But other than that, no major problems.  :)
 

Mood – 11/20

There was one thing that really bothered me during my read, and it was when you would input links in the middle of your story. I know you want the readers to know what Yeonhee’s listening to get a better understanding, but you could always explain like you normally do or just put the links in the author’s note. Whenever I see different colored text on a page, I get really freaked out. It’s insanely distracting and pulls me out of the reading zone! TTnTT

Another thing is the awkward transitions. Sometimes you switch points-of-view randomly, and it’s confusing. Like once you jumped from Yeonhee’s view to Baekhyun’s. You should have one point of view for a whole chapter, or at least a whole scene. If you know everyone’s thoughts all the time, it kind of eliminates the suspense factor.

But the really big thing that ruined the read for me is definitely the characters.
 

Final Comments

You can keep writing the way you do because most of it flows well and it’s easy to read. The plot could definitely use some maturity and development, and the same goes for the characters if not more so. If there’s one piece of advice that you’re going to take from my review, it’s ‘don’t use cliches’. Once you have realistic, interesting characters to drive a good plot, just a bit of polishing and you’re good to go! ^^

Score – 40/85 = 47%

(Also I'm sorry for the length of this review... I ramble, but you knew that.) u_u

 

 

 

 

I know I asked you what did you want your poster to be, but since I completely forgot that our conversation wasn't face to face and I could wait your answer for hours, I decided to make a poster based on the title and somehow the idea of the plot. I hope you like it and if you want a redo or something, you can always ask for one! ^^

Thanks for requesting, please don't forget to comment and credit us!!! TT

Story here!

Made it bigger because nothing camte to my head on a smaller canvas. Please credit and comment when picking up ^^

Hope you like it.

Story here!

Title: Blindfolded

Author: Minderaser

Characters: All original characters

Reviewer: Katakatica

 

Title:9/ 10

While I don't find it very original, I quite like the title. Honestly, I had to wonder about what relation it may have to the story for a while (since it is still just one chapter, an introduction, with a 'fresh' plot, but I came to the conclusion that you have chosen that one word well. I hope that my suspicion will be confirmed in the further chapters, and your readers will see why you have decided on this title.

Foreword + Description: 10/ 15

For me, it's lacking. Especially in these parts, I can't quite feel a 'pull' to read your story. Even though the plot itself would scream interesting (albeit maybe cliche, too, which ISN'T a problem), I don't really feel like you have chosen the right words, and well, paragraphs to introduce it. My biggest concern is the description as it tells too much. 

 There she unwillingly becomes a servant for the control freak. But Lihua will discover that she is not alone when a man named Jaejoong moves in across the street. He grows fond of the distressed young lady, and makes her feel wanted but her savior has some dark secrets--secrets that connect the dots to why he and Jaehoon despise each other, but most importantly: the truth behind her brother's death.

 

Those sentences (in my opinion), give away too much. Surely, it is good to know what to expect, but there is a certain difference between having it rubbed in your face or being told slowly. While both have their good sides - I knew the basic plot and that it won't be all honey and flowers and such - I still think that the second way makes it easier for a reader to get interested in a story. If you tell too much, some people will shrug the story off at first glance, because they know what will happen. Surely, there is a big chance that you will throw in a few surprising plot-twists (I am counting on you for that), but from the description the readers know what will happen already, and well, it may not surprise them (or, in a 'worst-case scenario, they might not even read the fic until that part, there are times when that happens to me if the description gives away too much.) The part for him to commit suicide was odd seems to refer to an action that can be repeated. Yes, he didn't seem like he would kill himself any moment, your usual reader will understand that, but the sentence itself, especially with the word 'odd' sounds less serious than it should. 

(also, just a note to the 'alone, lonely, miserable' part in the foreword and on the poster. Yes, she WAS alone, but she was lonely. My grammar isn't perfect but I think that you can't quite put it in a sentence describing a person like that. Also, as it means the same as lonely, it loses its power and makes it a little overdone. Like you tried too hard to make her seem lost. (Although the words 'lost' or 'abandoned' could easily replace the word 'alone')

Layout (poster+fonts+appearance):10 / 10

Fonts are sized well, and the poster is quite pretty. I would use something black and white for the background, too, but that's only my personal reference. The foreword doesn't look cluttered luckily, but maybe you could make the banners a bit smaller so it isn't so 'long'.

Grammar:14 /15

I didn't find many mistakes, maybe a few (that I can't quite recall now, so they are insignificant, honestly). There was one time when you left out a 'he', I think (at the ...will be your guardian for the time being part), but generally, it is good and readable, which is a plus in my eyes.

Plot: 20/ 25 (originality, believability, plot-twists)

I haven't read much of the story yet but it seems somewhat enthralling, plot-wise. I hope that you will keep that up with it. Can't say much more though since well..the story has just started.

Characters: 9/ 15

It may be only me, but to me, they seem all over the place. First of all, first the girl is Lihua, then she is Hana. I suspect that sometime in the years that had passed she had changed her name (started using her third name, I suppose), but even though I understood that, it can be a bit confusing. Also, if it was me being controlled like that - for so many years, too - I wouldn't fangirl over a complete stranger. However, that is just me. So to put it simply, she feels a bit unreal to me. Jaehoon is still a mystery to me as he doesn't seem very controlling, nor as bad as you introduced him in the description. Try to think through it once more: will you give him the 'bad' personality traits in the following chapters, or will he stay like this? Does he even have a big part in the story?

Flow:10 / 10

Decent flow, I have no problems with it at all. Good job.

Style: 6/ 10

Despite your wide vocabulary, the story seemed bland. And, as I have mentioned before, not as serious as it should have been. Somehow you choose words that didn't get to me. It felt like I was skimming through some romcom (I love the genre, but this is supposed to be something else). While your style doesn't seem bad, it seems like it isn't quite good for something angsty where the heroine is lost and lonely.  However, I'm sure that as the story goes further on, this little problem will be solved.

Overall Enjoyment:10 / 10

I can't say I enjoyed the story to its fullest but it was pretty good. I'm sure that it will be even better when you finish it, so good luck.

Score:98 / 120 => 81%

 

Katakatica's Note : I'm terribly sorry for taking this long - and being so rough on you - but life has been hectic for me. You have a good plot in your hands, but it still needs some refinement, some more thoughts put into it. However after that: it will be perfect.

 

I hope you like this one! I think that I had a designer's block or something... Sorry about that ^^'

 

Title: So, it's you.
Author: blueleeyoorae
Characters: Luhan, OC, Baekhyun
Genres: Romance
Reviewer: allthatmatters

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Title – 3/5

At first sight, the title is confusing, which in my case would make me want to read it to figure out why the title is what it is. For a title it isn't the best since it's confusing and doesn't make you want to click on it. Though it isn't really bad.

 

Poster – 4/10

When you click on a story, the poster should grab your attention right away. The poster is actually pretty good, but it isn't really eye catching and doesn't make me want to continue know more about the story. The thing about posters is when someone sees it, they want to have a sense of what the story is about right away without reading the description or forward. You have characters are it, though there are only three main characters, just having those three characters on the poster would've gotten the point across. Also, the colors are a bit dark for a romance story. Having lighter colors would fit it better. Overall, it isn't so bad.

 

Plot – 5/10

Plot wise, it seems to be the "girl meets boy group because of her famous sibling. she likes one of them, but he likes her sister and there's this other guy" type of plot. That being said, It's cliche. It's hard to not be cliche when you're writing a Romance story. There's just no such thing as an entirely unique plot, but you did well. It was cute with drama like every good romance fanfiction should have.

 

Foreword /Description – 4/10

The description is pretty generic. There isn't anything that catches my attention about it. It states stuff that is common in lots of fanfictions making it cliche. For example: being the sister of someone famous. We all know it must be hard to be related to someone who is popular, but sometimes it can be a little cliche. Especially if the lead thinks her life is so hard when it must be twenty times harder when you're actually the idol. 

 

Characters – 20/25

Main protagonist, Kim Kyung Mi, could be considered Mary sue for obvious reasons. She's obviously pretty, but is too shy and is bullied by her peers. She's always a book worm, but so are lots of people. i.e me. At first, I didn't think I'd like her, but I inevitably ended up liking her. The relationship between Lu Han and her is really cute and cheesy, which I am a er for when it comes to romance stories. I liked the characters, how you portrayed Exo to be like what they seem to act like. Hyejin is an evil person. Fangirls in stories tend to be; she just irritated me more than I expected. The relationship with the Kim sisters was really adorable, too. All in all, the characters fit the story quite well.

 

Details – 7/10
Grammar – 10/10

This is my favorite part of any story. Though I am still perfecting my grammar, I love to read a story with little to no mistakes in it. Your story fit the bill. I was surprised that English isn't your first language. There were times when there were misspelled words, but every author goes through that, so I didn't feel the need to mark you down a point because of that.. You used "I" a lot, it's a first person story, so that's understandable. Being a writer myself, I tend to use it more than is needed. When starting a new paragraph, try to stay away from using "I" at the beginning.

Your story was detailed nicely. It wasn't like some romance stories where they go too into detail about the color of the sky. It felt like the OC was speaking to me herself instead of me reading it. Geez, Lu Han is adorble- random comment, but he's just one of my biases. You made him nice and cute, which was great.

 

Mood – 19/20

I liked the fact that the feel of the story came through. It's cute, like I said before. Nothing much to say here.

 

Final Comments

Sorry if it seemed I was a bit too frank, but I wanted to be as honest as possible with you in order to make this an informative review. Overall, I actually enjoyed reading it since it's a break from the usual dark, angst stuff that I usually read on the daily basis. The story was enjoyable. The characters, though not entirely unique, are actually quite nice to read about.

 

Score: 72/100 = 72%

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Review done by: Exonextdoor 

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Title: The Bridge
Author: AliyaShawol 
Characters: N and Hyori + Hongbin and Ravi 

Story title: 
3/5. This is because the title is telling me that "The Bridge" was one of the major parts of the story. I mean of course it was. Hyori commited suicide from the bridge therefore it was the concluding point, but I still feel as though the title could've explained the situation from the beginning to the end. Titles are important, important, important. They must give leverage to your story and provide short yet clever choice of words to describe what it is all about. 

Poster/Graphics/Layout:
4/10, but honey if the poster is your creation and you love it because you worked hard for it, don't take it to heart. I was a fine arts geek so I know that art is very subjective, but I also know that if you want a creation to make sense, it's gotta relate to your original intention or your fan fiction for this matter. Throughout the entire fan fiction I read about a young woman distraught over a man who wouldn't allow her to be his, yet the poster has her looking as though she was just swept off her feet. Well.. Maybe not that happy, but you get my gist. Plus, toward the end when she commits suicide I felt a sort of dreariness to the fiction. Hyori would appear more relevant to the character she plays in the story if she were frowning or hiding her face. N on the other hand has a sort of "I'm totally not dealing with the girl I love wanting to commit suicide" expression. Plus color choice could help set the mood. 
The layout is alright. Even though I prefer fancy fonts, it's not necessary that you must as well. 

Description/Forward ( if applicable ): n/a 

Character description ( if applicable ):
- Images;
6/10. I like that you posted some visuals for the character descriptions, but STILL I can't help but stress the fact that I need some visuals that apply to the description being written. Hyori's image is her smiling while the description up top states that she just got rejected. 
- Other Pointers: 
The descriptions are short, which is fine, because it's possible that you don't want to give much away before writing the story, but I still think you could've passed on some secret messages or implied hints that cleverly set the characters apart from ones we see in every fan fiction on this site. Plus, having the two characters helping N and Hyori out really sort of made it pointless to add them into the list as they really just jumped in for maybe a sentence or two and then never came back. Again, keep in mind to try and find some relatable pictures to set the mood of the overall fiction. Trust me, it will gather eager eyes if not hoards of attention. 

Plot: 
10/30. Ten points because I like suicide plots and they are just so very interesting to read, but a reduction of the rest of the points because it was not quite a plot we were working with here. As much of a plot there was, I could see nothing original and not cliché. Now, this could have plenty of potential with some other aspects included, like maybe explaining why he thought that their future together would not work out. It's a thought. 
Along with this, I really cannot stand stories with women who are emotionally weak and alter their lives for the man that they "love". It's just a plot I really cannot handle so it makes it difficult to read. Women empowerment! Yeah! 
Okay anyway, ADD more to the plot or alter it so much that it's just mind-blowingly amazing. One shots are usually difficult to write, especially for me because they need to be like a frisbee. When tossed, it's gotta come right back and hit you in the head, then giving you an idea of what just happened and how it happened and how amazing it was. Maybe a deeper background in characters could totally help a reader become emotionally attached to them so the suicide hurts the reader as well. It's a thought. 

Vocabulary/Detail:
16/20. I liked your vocabulary and word choice at times and the detail about the river, on the bridge and even about the starts not being shown really set the mood. I would love to see more of those words you'd never incorporate with a star. You used the word "innocent" to describe the star which was not a word frequently used. Two other words used were "black" and "abyss" to describe the river she was about to plunge herself into. Even though I've seen them used in comparison to the follow up word, these words are super amazing and I think if you keep adding them to the story you would be one step closer to poetic and descriptive writing. 
Also, I really enjoyed the fact that you didn't start every sentence with "I" or "me" or a similar word. You changed it up which made it more of a story than a list of instructions. Great job!
The negatives I noticed were the words used TOO frequently. Such as the word "Hurt" might've invaded the story because it was everywhere. I suggest looking up synonyms for the words you're afraid of using too many times and their definitions so you can better describe the situation, feelings and plot. 

Grammar issues/Improvement: 
12/15. I can tell that you are a fluent English so your grammar is fine. You did good on keeping It on a first person narrative so good on that. I just had a few issues with tense changes. You had quite a bit of changing between past tense and present tense. For example, one sentence would be a thought Hyori had and it would be in past tense as if she was telling the story and then just then, as you introduce an action that N does, it turns into present tense. I'm not too worried about this because I know several people, especially myself, that have issues with this and it might just be how you're thinking, but just so the reader is not confused, please try with me to fix this error. Periods and comas are fine, but there could be more usage of comas in place of periods because it may end up sounding robotic if the natural flow isn't there. Be careful though. Comas start to become a mess later on too. 

Reviewer comments: I could see so much developing potential in your writing. The similes and the word choice were my absolute favorite. I can only encourage you to keep writing and incorporate some more clever little surprises to keep the reader engaged. Please work on the plot for me. Research some great stories, read them, and experiment the characters on one you've created. Go outside and watch people ( don't let them catch you, but don't become a stalker!  ) and try and come up with a background story to their lives. Realize that everyone has a story and you do too which makes you special too. So while thinking up a plot, try and look at yourself or a sibling. Try and keep it real and original. I promise, it will all pay off in the end. When someone tells you your writing is amazing it's worth way more than a few hundred more subscribers. Keep up the great work! You're definitely on the road! Just keep going! 

Overall [ With Character Description Only ]:  51/90 = 56% 

Touch or Click for story! 

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Title: Blind Heir

Authors: bts_kimtaehyung & EXOtic-world

Characters: Kim Yoo Jung | Byun Baekhyun | Kim WooBin

Genre: Romance/Angst

Reviewer: Angel110

 

Title (4/5):

To be honest when I read the title I was anticipating a metaphorical meaning but then I read the foreword and was like 'okay, there is really a blind heir'. It's not a bad thing, it suits the story of course, but on the other hand it reminded me of k-dramas and wasn't very unique to me, though I've never read such a story before. But maybe others have a different opinion on that. Your readers seem to like it.

 

Foreword/Description (8/10): 

First of all, I like the layout of your foreword very much! It's beautiful and not messy or too long or anything that could make one turn around and not read the story, to me the layout is very important as well. In the first part of the description you give some basic information about one of the main characters already, not too much though and the reader stays curious. But something is bothering me there. Probably the chronological order because I would have put the last two sentences either at the beginning or left them out and let the story explain that she wasn't blind before and adopted. 
The second part makes me very curious about the plot. I, as an author myself, love using questions to make the readers curious and it's my most favourite stylistic device I use in my own stories. Also, you chose the right questions, because I would ask myself more questions and want to know what exactly happens that the main character finally can see again and I would be mainly curious about the mentioned betrayal. It is a nice idea to add the photos with their names above to help readers who may not be familiar with the characters to identify them on the poster and have a good picture in their mind while reading the story.

 

Plot (7/10):

Before reading: So, there is this one girl that is a blind heiress of seemingly a company. She finds someone to trust into and who gives her back her eye-sight. She falls in love with him but he doesn't return her feelings, literally betrays her? (I'm a er for metaphors so I'm actually always happy when it's not betrayal in a ual way but in another way, lol) But then a cold man appears and he is the one to fall in love with her. So, maybe she will fall in love with him later, too. In my opinion, a cliché and drama like plot but it's a romance and as we know in most romances the girl always falls for the bad guy in the end. 

After reading: The story hasn't developed and revealed much yet, but all in all I like the plot. It leaves many questions behind but still seems cliché. The violence, a girl being taken away vielently, the foster father being vioelnt as well, characters being beaten, having to die or murder. Still, the many questions that are left behind make you curious for more.

 

Characters (8/25):

Mainly, I was bothered by the missing descriptions and characterizations, the missing emotions of the characters. I didn't really know how to imagine the characters, how they are supposed to act and how they are actually acting and reacting. Also, the descriptions of the characters sometimes leave out the part that Yoo Jung is blind. Lily nodding and smiling at her and Yoo Jung seeming to understand it despite the fact she is blind just don't go together. All the other characters beside the main cahracters are not able to be pictured in your mind as descriptions are missing here again and there are no pictures in the foreword of them. Also, I especially found a couple of scenes exaggerated, eg. the scene with Woobin suddenly crying at the end of chapter four. You could have wrote it differently and extended the scene a bit but it seemed rushed and bothered me. Some reactions didn't suit at all.

 

Details (5/10):

Your story was lacking details, that was also partly at fault for the story seeming rushed. It honestly made me lose excitement to continue reading the story. You added the pictures of the main characters but in real novels there are no pictures and you depend on the author's description and characterization as stated above to imagine the characters in your mind. Also how does the surroundings look like? Are there any sounds, what was especially important in the case of the blind Yoo Jung. Another thing that bothered me was that I didn't even know where they were. In chapter 5 I suddenly read that Mr. Kim was returning from Korea and I was like 'Huh, I thought they were living in Korea?'.

 

Grammar (5/10):

I am no native speaker myself, still I'm very picky on grammar and let my stories be prove read and edited when my own English skills are bothering me. In your case, you are misusing tenses, words in their actual meaning and many times you are leaving out letters. I don't mind people using Korean words in their stories -I do, too- but then you should get used to the romanization of the Korean words you are using and don't overuse them. I know they are pronouced the way you are spelling most of them but the romanization looks different. Despite me being very strict with grammar and spelling, I think that I gave you a nice score though. I would have given you some examples but your story disallowed text selection.

 

Mood (9/20):

I knew what kind of mood you wanted to create but due to the lacking details and emotions as well as the lacking characterization it didn't have the effect on me it was supposed to have. I think the main points have been said already, so I just leave it like that.  here.

 

Final Comment: 

I was really anticipating the first chapter after reading the foreword but I, honestly, wanted to stop reading it after the first chapter. I'm very critical with fan fictions (mostly with my own). But the flaws stated above made me lose the anticipation and excitement I had when I read the foreword. I would suggest you to extend the chapters and fill in more details and emotions and ask someone to beta-read your story because the grammar and spelling was also something that bothered me and made me wanting to stop reading the story. But it has potential. I hope I wasn't too harsh but detailed enough for you to improve. 

 

Score:  46/90= 51,1%

 

Bam bam bam bam bam.

I made this a little too quickly because I'm busy these days so don't shoot me x_x but nevertheless, I hope you like! background is here. Have a nice day! ^^ 

Story here!

- Jenday-nim~


 

Title: Can You Keep A Secret?

Author: thereforyou

Characters: You | Byun Baekhyun | Lu Han

Genre: Angst

Reviewed by: Angel110

 

Title (3/5):

The title isn't really eye-catching, but not boring either; nothing that makes you not want to read the stiry at least. I saw quite a few other fan fictions with a similar title here on aff already, so the description would need to make me curious for the story. Another point is that you put symbols into the heading. Headings usually should be kept as plain as possible. Just think of novely you read in everday-life or at school. None of them has any symbols in their title and you should think of your story as such, a novel.

 

Foreword/Description (10/10): 

First of all, I really like the layout and although the size of the font is pretty big it wasn't tiring for the eyes. The layout and the font were very well chosen and attract the attention of the reader. The description wasn't too long, not too short and to give some kind of definition -that was very well done and easily to read- of a word as simple as Love makes one curious to find out what actually happens in the story. To add what seems like a prologue or extract of your story was a very good idea and beside attracting attention once again it shows that it's definitely not a romance but an angst story. Another point I like about your foreword were the pictures with quotes beside them. So, full score although there were some grammar mistakes but I chose to ignore them as they were rather minor. They will be pointed out in the grammar section.

 

Plot (9/10):

Before reading:  I don't think I've seen a similar plot yet but I could be wrong, at least I don't remember having seen such a plot somewhere before, so to me it's no cliché plot line or something that you can find in every second or third fan fiction. There are many questions left open, as to what actually happened that the girl was in a coma and died and why the two male main characters were kind of anticipating it.

After reading: First of all, it surprised me to see that EXO were still celebrities there, as nothing in the foreword has indicated that it was a NonAU fiction. Seeing that a girl moved in with a boy band made the plot less unique immediately as many of such stories exist. Still, you managed to make it unique by adding twists to it. Because judging by the description Oh Hoseok was not dead while the girl died and when I started reading I was like 'Why is he dead before the girl dies?!'. And then he was back in Chapter 5? It kept me going with the story and I was very curious about the future happenings and how it was even possible. Chapter 10 with the sneak peek amde my heart almost stop. Sehun was dead? What happened to him? In the foreword he was still alive? Or was the girl not Sazzy but someone else? But it didn't make sense to me, the 'Phases' and all, they were all targeted on Sazzy. So, a very good job for creating so much suspense and curiosity! I will deduct one point because of the girl moving in with the band for any reason because it is seen so often already.

 

Characters (20/25):

There were a few points that bothered me about the characters. Mostly about the EXO members. If you intended on adding them to your story the way they portray themselves in real life, then I don't think that Kris would greet a strange girl like this. He is known to be shy with strangers and not talk much and rather be the 'cold city guy'. I don't think Luhan would be thee type to react like this to a girl he found pretty but saw for the first time. And Tao would be the same age with Sehun and Kai. I also don't think that the boys would react like this to finding a sasaeng fan in front of their door. They would know better than panicking. 
At first I found it strange that Sehun would open himself up so fast to a girl he only knew for a couple of days. First they would probably speak about hobbies and interests but I don't think he would blurt out that he had a brother that had died. Though later it started to make sense.
As for the girl, she told Sehun at first that it was none of his business and then she still told him about her school and why she went to Amerrica? It also didn't make much sense for Sehun to ask her what her real reason was to go there. It wasn't like he knew her for months at that time or saw something in her like pain. 
Back to the girl, this time during the almost-scene: Would a girl that had almost been really immediately hug her savious? I don't think so. It is a traumatizising experience and I think every other girl would just hug her knees to her chest, be scared and cry. Also when finding a box with the contents she did, no one would just put the knife into the sink and wash the contents. It would shock you and you would call someone or just leave it there and go to your room. Her further characterization was fine though.
As for Kangjun, his appearance was interesting, he wasn't described much and that made one curious about him, especially when he was talkling about revenge. It was also surprising taht he was a trainee. It was like suddenly some connections were tried to be made in my mind between all the characters, especially Sehun and Hoseok. So I asked myself, could he be Hoseok? That thought got stronger when Sehun and Kangjun were texting about 'Phase 2'. It definitely raised the curiosity. Towards the further chapters you improved in making realistic characterizations, so I didn't deduct too many points. I should stop babbling as I think I said enough about the characters already and move on to the other sections.
 

Details (8/10):

I will keep it short here: No too many, not too little details. The only point I was missing were more interactions with the other members and more information about them. I know, we all know how EXO look like and how their personalities are, but still you should describe them a little more, two points deducted.

 

Grammar (5/10):

Overall, your main problem seems to be the tenses. I will show you some examples in the following but I won't point every single mistake out. I would suggest you to get a native speaker or someone who's a pretty much fluent English speaker to beta read your story.

Foreword: A smirk of victory came upon his lips as he focused his eyes on the EKG machine. He just couldn't wait until the line would go straight-down. You confused the tense, you started in past tense and it wouldn't make sense to continue in present tense.
"You killed this ." 'The' is too general and since the girl is lying close to them you need a word that indicates on that one person, therefore you need to use 'this' here.
A smirk of triumph, victory and revenge tugged on their lips as they slowly watched the lines on the EKG slowly going down. Again tenses mistake.

Chapter 1: Lee Sazzy was a beautiful 17 year-old that everyone seemed to want to get a hand on but failed due to her stoic personality. But she hadn't been always like this, she was so happy, so cheerful, so glee back then that even if things went horribly wrong, 'you just couldn't wipe that stupid grin' -quote from her friends- 'off her face'. Again tenses mistakes as you started in past tense and continued in present tense. Also, if something is a quote you should set it into these two marks: ' '. 
you just want to run a hand through, 
Not when she had found one of her family's biggest secrets. You only should emphazise the 'one' and instead of capitalizing it, use italic since it's friendlier for the eyes. Secrets should be plural as it's one of more. 
As for the rest of the chapter and other chapters: Tenses mistakes.

Chapter 2: A foreign knock erupted EXO's playtime, causing a disturbance in the members' ears as they were all sprawled over the floor, some with controllers in their hands and some with popcorn. It doesn't make sense to add 'foreign' here, bacause how can a knock be foreign? Also, the ears belong to the members, so you need to indicate it by adding this '.

"Byun Baekhyun but you can call me, oppaaa~~~. 21 years old."

"Park Chanyeol but you can call me, Nampyeon~~. 21 years old."Sazzy chuckled at two's foolishness.  Scratch the commas, because it wouldn't make sense as Baek and Yeol would call Sazzy oppa and Nampyeon.

And Sehun kept on staring at the girl, trying to remember where he had seen her before. Before makes more sense than from.

I won't go through more chapters as most mistakes were made in the usage of tenses and because I don't want to make a long review and talked so much in the Character section already.

 

Mood (20/20):

Full score on the mood as there were some small funny parts in it and overall the angst theme was very well implented. Pretty short, but I think everything else has been said already.

 

Final Comment: 

Final Comment.. I talked so much already... All in all, you managed to make the plot unique and fulfill the angst genre! The chapters had a good length as well and were not too short nor too long. What bothered me was that the characters said Luhan, you and Baekhyun. If it was a you story, you should have use the 2nd POV and not the third POV with Sazzy. Also Baekhyun and Luhan had not many interactions with her, but it was mostly Sehun. Change that and let your story be beta-read along with some minor changes and I think you could get many more subscribers as you deserve. Good luck!
PS: I really liked the layouts of your chapters! I wasn't much into the black background but it suited the chapters nevertheless.

My word count shows 1700+ words!O.O Sorry, for practically only babbling^^"

 

Score: 75/90=83,3%

 Title: not a Fairytale | Author: MyHeartStainedBlue |  Zico from Block B, You | Genres: Drama | Reviewer: CynicalEmpathy

----------

Title | 2/5

The title of the story is not unique. I believe using story titles that are not common will increase the amount of readers. The title, I really don't see how it connects to the story, to be honest. 

 

Poster | 10/10

There was a poster, so full points.

 

Plot | 7/10

The plot was really confusing. It was really common too, the girl thinking that nobody's gonna like her, she has this crush, and he likes her back. Very common. People tend to read stories that are original. If you had created a twist, like she likes him, and he likes her back, but then she stopped liking him - and he fights for her, then the plot would've been more original. 

 

Foreword /Description – 7/10

Your description was long, and it pratically gave out the whole plot. It stated that the reader and Zico were a weird pairing, so the reader can already 90% infer that they will end up dating somehow. A good part to your foreword is that you ended with a cliffhanger. 

 

Characters – 5/10

The characters' development was really weird and confsuing. It didn't seem smooth at all. The reader felt hatred towards Zico, but then her hearts soften for her? That's very rare to see. For Zico, he barely spoke to the reader, but they already started dating and were 'close' friends? I don't really see how that works. 

 

Details – 3/10

There were not enough details. A story cannot make sense without details. You mainly focused on conversations that were basically everyday-conversations with friends that every story has. 

Grammar – 10/10

No spelling mistakes. 

 

Mood – 9/20

The mood? I honestly felt emotionless while reading the fanfiction. I can relate to her wanting to feel more beautiful physically, but other than that - the story is like a kdrama that has like, a 47% of actually happening in reality.

 

Final Comments

Sorry for the short review.
I've been really busy with life
and school these days. 

 

Score: 53/85

 Title: Stupid Cupid | Author: dancingmachinejongin |  Naeun, Sehun, Kai | Genres: Romance | Reviewer: CynicalEmpathy

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Title | 2/5

The title of the story is not unique. The two points goes towards the fact that it relates to the storyline somehow.

 

Poster | 10/10

There was a poster, so full points.

 

Plot | 6/10

The plot went by really fast. For example, Sehun and Naeun were in a relationship but it would've been more interesting if you went more in depth. Also, there wasn't really anything wrong with Kai being a cupid, I mean - how is it stupid?

 

Foreword /Description – 9/10

Your description was pretty short and thorough. It gave a general view of the storyline and didn't give away much. 

Characters – 5/10

The characters' development was really weird and confsuing. Kai never liked Naeun, but then out of nowhere - Kai fell in love with Naeun. A storyline should have a mid-speed development, not too fast or too slow.

 

Details – 7/10

There was enough detail to make the reader want to continue reading the story. Nothing was over-detailed or under-detailed.

Grammar – 10/10

No spelling mistakes. 

 

Mood – 8/20

The mood? I honestly felt emotionless while reading the fanfiction. I don't know if it's just me, or is it becaseu it's one of those cheesy romance stories, but I felt nothing. Usually, when I read a story - I would think and feel a lot of emotion, but not once did my heart beat faster or was I anxious to read the whole fanfic in one day.

 

Final Comments

Sorry for the short review.
I've been really busy with life
and school these days. 

 

Score: 57/85

                                                                               

LINK

STORY

Note: so so sorry for taking such a long time, I somehow overlooked your request :/ but I hope it's scary enough. 

Please credit me (Katakatica) and the shop in your description)

Bye x3

Title: Different Destinies
Author: ghanchakkar
Characters: Suho, OC + Daehyun
Genres: Romance, drama, friendship
Reviewer: Jenday

Hello! Sorry for the wait ^^" Please keep in mind that I've only read up to chapter 10. Hope my advice will be of use!

---

 

Title – 3/5

It’s kind of catchy, but it’s not anything I find particularly memorable or impactful. It’s also redundant, because since everyone is different they’re bound to have the different destinies and fates? I would recommend getting a shorter title that’s more packed and meaningful, maybe one that’s 1-4 syllables. Stuff like Harry Potter or Divergent is memorable partially for their titles :)

It’d be great if you could find one that’s original and unique to your story as well!

 

Poster – 2/10

I’m going to assume that you made the cover poster yourself? To be honest, it is really uncut, rough, and very amateur. I could go into a lot of detail on what you can fix, but I’ll try to summarize it ^^”

Try to have clean edges of the characters, and you can do that by taking an eraser and smoothening them out. I’m going to recommend a program like Paint.NET where it’s easier to get better looking text that won’t end up pixilated. Try to have an overall color scheme, maybe a mix of purple or a mix of yellow, not both on one poster (purple and yellow don’t generally look great together). And lastly, some depth would be nice and to do that you can add shadows behind the characters ^^ we have a tutorial at SECRET that teaches you that.

The poster is a start, and you still have very much to learn ^^ I hope you’re willing to do so.

 

Foreword – 7/10

I like it, but it was a little confusing at a first read. It wasn’t clear that there were three people in the description since you just used ‘he’ and ‘she’, but it’s easier to understand towards the end. It’s a little corny and cliché, but I really like the idea of love being either selfish or selfless (it’s neat!)

I do think it’s a bit long for a description, but it’s good that it doesn’t reveal so much of the plot. What I would suggest is taking out the speech tags (he mumbled, she cuddled, she blabbered, etc.) and shortening it down to a quotation or two. I think ‘you’re hurting yourself by loving her’ is more than enough for the story ^^ you just need enough to make your point, don’t stretch it out!

Also, have someone read it over once. I spot a few typos ;)

 

Plot – 6.5/10

The story is something that has been done before; a man who loves someone who’s already taken. But I do like how you added your own thoughts into it, for example Daehyun’s constant trouble with his idol life is a good way to mix it up. But I would have preferred a plot that’s more interesting and original ^^

I do feel like the main problem with the storyline is that it progresses too quickly. It’s hard to keep up when you’re constantly going through different scenes and it feels more like a news story on TV rather than a novel; something that’s really brief and not detailed. Try to pace yourself and slow down a bit. Take the first few chapters to introduce your characters slowly, and once the readers get a sense of who they are you can then start throwing problems at them.

On the development on the plot itself, I thought it was pretty well done. Honestly I thought it would end when Daehyun would get over himself and his feelings, but you presented a whole other side of conflicts with the blackmailing and the fake publicity relationship. It doesn’t make the story flat (which is good), but every problem is presented too quickly for us to fully realize it.

 

Characters – 5/10

I don’t mind any of the characters too much, I just feel like there should be more to them. Most of their personalities are very generic, meaning they are people you might see on the street and it’s a little boring. Haeri is just a normal girl (you’ve called her that too) and being the main character she should have more interesting traits. She has reactions that any one of us would have, she’s not memorable, and she doesn’t do anything but be liked.

Daehyun is a normal angry boy whose feelings aren’t returned, and Suho is a normal jealous, overprotective boyfriend. Their personalities are similar in the way that they both get jealous and care for Haeri, so I’d wish for you to make them different, just a little bit ^^

I did like Minhee’s character for a bit, because I liked how indifferent she was to idols and how she just wanted to do the right thing and help Daehyun find his culprit. She was both interesting and different.

And also, I do think that you have too many unnecessary characters. You do not need to introduce characters when they are not needed in the story, for example Jongin and Baekhyun are both Suho’s friends and they don’t really have to do with anything. You can just say, ‘Suho’s friends’. Don’t throw out names when you haven’t introduced the characters yet, it confuses people!

 

Details – 3/10

There is an immense lack of details throughout the story, and I think that’s why the plot progresses so quickly. We need to know all about the characters first before you put up the problems. You should specify what the characters do, what they think, what they look like, and what they say. I was assuming Haeri was still a teenager until you stated that she’s a fashion designer. I thought Daehyun was just a friend who has nothing better to do but hang around his best friend until you said he was an singer. Even if we know the idols, you can’t expect us to know their characters and it’s your job to present them properly ^^

Think about the 5 W’s: who, what, where, when, and why. Where are the characters? When is this scene happening, day or night? Who is in this scene? What is happening and why is it happening?

I also want to advise that you shouldn’t jump between scenes so quickly. Daehyun was at Haeri’s house and suddenly they’re both in her car? Why don’t you just write that they both wanted coffee and she drove him to the coffee shop (you said she was driving to her office but they end up at a café so???). This makes the switch smoother and less confusing.

On the same note, try to stick to one POV during scenes. Sometimes we get Daehyun’s thoughts, sometimes Suho’s thoughts, sometimes Haeri’s thoughts, and sometimes we get all three at the same time. Try to have one person thinking in a whole chapter. Heck, try to write about one person’s day rather than switching between all three characters in one chapter. It flows better, and sometimes if we readers don’t know what the other characters are thinking, it creates good suspense :D

 

Grammar – 3/10

I get English isn’t your first language, and it’s good that you have an editor/beta to help you through that ^^ you have some punctuation problems (commas in the wrong places and you don’t use exclamation marks in places you should); tense issues, and you’re missing a word in sometimes.

The first is your original paragraph. Stuff that should be changed or taken out is seen in the second.

"Hmm... Its okay, then. But next time, you better come in." She stood up and went to her closet, checking out if there was any dress which suit her on that day. "Anyways, return back to work, oppa. I need to get ready too."

--

"Hmm... It’s okay then. But next time, you better come in," she stood up and went to her closet, checking to see if there was any dress that would suit her. "Anyway, go back to work oppa. I need to get ready too."

If you read some books or even popular works on Asianfanfics, you’ll develop your sense of the English language more easily! The next time you read, study on how the writers write and try to develop your own style from them.

 

Mood – 11/20

It was a bit difficult for me to get into because of the typos and mistakes, but that’s just me as a reader. There were times when things weren’t clear and I had to read paragraphs again to understand. This is something you don’t want the reader to do. Write clearly, so they can understand it the first time.

I didn’t hate the story, but at the same time I didn’t love it either. It was way too quick, and you can easily solve this problem by adding a bit more details and adding some more scenes that will help ease our minds ^^ for example, funny scenes that demonstrate the characters are nice. You were definitely only focused on the conflict but remember, it’s not always the problems that make the story.

 

Score: 40.5/85 = 47.64%

 

---

Title: Her Choice
Author: KpopotakuXD
Characters: Eunji, Suho, Taemin, Seohyun, Sehun, Kai and classmates

Story title: 3/5 
So far, I've only read a total of 8 chapters and a majority of the way I haven't seen any relevance from what "her choice" may mean and the plot and characters. I wonder if the conundrum she's gotten herself into is her choice at all. I mean I get that in the beginning, it was her choice that she coincidentally stayed with suho's mother which might've sparked this love interest from him, but it's a very minimal scene with not much to arouse the fact that it sparked his love for her. I'm assuming that suho being in love with her and all these times that she met him coincidentally were not her choice. Seohyun asked to take her to the concert, suho grabbed her wrist and decided to help her and Seohyun home and suho screaming about him being in love with Eunji and saying that she was his girlfriend were all not her choice. I feel as though, since this is a very usual plot, Eunji will begin to like suho and then she'll say yes and then I guess the title makes sense then. 
I suggest you try something more overall relative to the plot. 

Poster/Graphics: 8/10
Nice nice, I like both posters. The one on the front page has little to no issues with it and it's very appealing and an eye catcher. I have some cons about the second one which is being used for the chapter poster. It's wonderful, but the edges were choppy and not well blended. The color scheme was fine, but the Suho and Eunji pictures in the front and center were really blurry and suho's hair in particular bothered me. The words at the bottom were cool as you were trying to make it seem like a movie poster, but the words were very light and you could rarely read them. Maybe pushing up the opacity of those letters would do the trick. 

Description/Forward (If applicable): 10/10
N/A [please let me know if you'd like a forward. I will be willing to incorporate it for you next time!] 

Character description: (If applicable): 10/10
There wasn't much in the character descriptions which I like so I'll give you full points for just pointing out minimal information and pictures. Sometimes it's good to have a visual, at least for a visual learner like myself :3 

Plot: 13/30
The plot was a very typical plot. The girl who lives miserably (and has a very grumpy and unpleasant personality) and the boy who lives less miserably meet up and fall in love. The girl has a friend who is sort of like her personal pup who she sees everywhere and doesn't quite have many occurrences of her own and an older male who is stubborn and keeps her protected from her love interest. All of these seem to occur, if not only once, throughout almost every fanfiction on the site. Though, who doesn't love a little bit of silliness every now and then?
What I challenge you to engage in next time is take notes of people around you and the plots going on around you. Look at everyone and try to create a story for them about the life you think they lead. Try to find what they might like and dislike and how many family members they might have. Notice two friends who are close to each other and check to see if one friend has different problems in her life and try to add those. 
Happy character and plot hunting! 

Vocabulary/Detail: 16/20
Vocabulary needs a ton of work. I understand that English is not your first language, but just trying to look up synonyms of words that you may commonly or frequently uses would change the picture in a positive way dramatically. Please, please, please try your best not to create excuses on that issue because no matter where you're from you can always improve and trying will get you farther than not doing anything about it. Even thinking about changing really changes you drastically. Imagine what a little more effort would have effect on! 
Also when you're writing a paragraph, refrain from using too many of the same words in the paragraph. 
For example: 

"Eunji ran across the street. She was crying because suho had just insulted her. She wished she'd never said yes to him. She was distraught and wanted to run away from him forever. She needed Seohyun to be by her side so she could have a shoulder to cry on." 

Now, this is not an excerpt from your writing or your fanfiction, but it's similar to what I had seen continuously popping up. The word "she" was being used too much and I hope you can see why it gets repetitive and sort of like you're reading off of a grocery list. Maybe something like this can help. Try using a  [Subject name], [after], [then], [subject gender/characteristic], [finally] method. 
For example: 

"Eunji [subject name] ran across the street. After [after] she safely got to the other side, she thought about how suho had just insulted her. Then [then] she realized how distraught she was and wanted to run away from him forever. She [subject gender/characteristic] needed Seohyun to be by her side so she could finally [finally] have a shoulder to cry on." 

It's not an official method, but I hope it shows you what I mean by this. Other than these two issues, you are well on your way! Try reading your sentences out loud to an English speaker so you can have some good criticism or even just try reading it out loud to yourself! It helps! 

Grammer Issues/Improvements: 9/15
This part I really shouldn't tackle you down with, but I think you need some extra help with the grammar and the suffixes specifically. I'll be lenient on you though. 
The English sentence structure is different from others and many Asian structure are Subject-Object-Verb which an English sentence in that sentence structure would be:

"Eunji on the bed jumped." 

English is Subject-Verb-Object which is: 

"Eunji jumped on the bed." 

I see that you miss the verb in each sentence quite a bit, but it's no biggie. After much practice you will begin to write nicer. Try reading English books such as any large chapter books. Try not to read other fanfiction for your source of correct grammar because they won't help at all. 
Another issue I see is suffixes. You seem to add past tense suffixes to words that shouldn't be there. For example: 

"But Eunji didn't cared about that." (Beginning of chapter 5).

This really should be: 

"But Eunji didn't care about that." 

It's hard to explain why because I haven't done my research (what a slacker I am!) but if you have any questions, please inbox me and I will be willing to answer any of them! 

Reviewer Comments: 
-- if intention is to mirror non-au suho, please do not use the word "giggled" it's primarily a word that describes a female or a homoual male or a young male. Pertaining to suho, the word "giggle" does not have the correct connotation in accordance to his non-au true character. 
-- one instance where Chen asked suho about his mother, Kai seemed to want to play ball instead of speak about what problems suho had. Considering, in the real world, a son should be pretty worried about his mother, he shouldn't have agreed to this. 
-- I guess based on culture, the bathroom has a different word for each, but try to use words like "Restroom" "washroom" "locker room" so that it seems a bit more relative to the reason as to why the character is going to what place. 
"She is going to the toilet to relieve her bladder." Makes sense while "She is going to the toilet to wash her makeup." Seems a bit indirect. "She is going to the washroom or restroom to wash her makeup" would do. 
-- you're spelling "tree" instead of "three" ? 
-- At times, soohyun character and sehuns character makes me laugh. 

 

Overall [ With Character Description Only ]:59/90

Check the story out here! 

Review done by: Exonextdoor 

Title: Mother!

Author: KpopotakuXD & iinvalidx

Characters: Woohyun | Myungsoo | Sulli | Kai | Hwangbo

Genre: Comedy | Romance | Thriller | Action

Reviewed by: Angel110

 

Title (5/5):

I like the title, it makes the reader curious as to what the story is about and doesn't sound cliché. I think many people would click to read the foreword of the story and after what I've read the title suits the story well, as the main focus is on Woohyun's mother.

 

Foreword/Description (9/10): 

I deducted one point because I think that you could have used the last question only and leave out the questions in the beginning. The foreword doesn't give away too much information and the reader stays curious, well done. Especially the last question would make me want to read the story because I would ask myself a lot of questions as well. Also the foreword is very clean, the layout it well done and the character pictures and small information are also not too much and not too little. Messy forewords would 'scare' a reader off.

 

Plot (10/10):

The plot is very interesting and the twists you set, e.g. Kai suddenly knowing about Woohyun's situation or Woohyun finding a puddle of blood and his mother kidnapped were at the right parts of the story and I was very surprised when everyone in this story seemed to know something except for Woohyun. However I probably would have set the kidnapping scene a little farther to the back and focus some more on the situation between Woohyun and his mother and how Woohyun interacts with his friends. I have not read a story like yours before, only action/thriller fan gictions were the main characters were directly involved and not any family member. To me it's a unique plot, so full score.

 

Characters (18/25):

You manage to characterize most of your characters well by only describing the way they act, well done. However some reactions and characterizations are missing. If you mention so many people you should give them at least a brief characterization (appearance, emotions, etc; especially if the characters are going to appear more often and probably take over a more important role- your focus must still lay on your main characters though) and I really would have loved to see more reactions to Kris' sudden death, his murder. 
 

Details (5/10):

Although one day goes about five chapters (which is way too much if you want to keep the reader's attention; just put some chapters together in one) I feel as if the story is lacking details. You extended the wrong moments and I understand that you wanted to give as little information as possible to your readers but you need to give some more detailed baits to them once in a while. 

 

Grammar (8/10):

You are doing a few tenses mistakes here and there, I can't give you any examples as you disallowed text selection, so I'm sorry. Just go through the chapters again or ask someone else to beta read your story.

 

Mood (13/20):

Due to the very slow progress of your story and the lacking details, your intention on the mood you want to create suffers. At some points I really got slight chills but other than that I don't really feel as excited and angsty as I am supposed to feel when reading/watching a thriller/action. Read or watch some action/thriller dramas/novels and get some inspiration and help on how to create the right mood for your story.

 

Final Comment: 

With some work on the parts I pointed out you can make your story a hit for sure! I hope I could help you!

 

Score:  68/90=75,5%

 

As to 20.11.2014

Heartbreak Shop receives only requests for posters.