Reviews Batch 4
Title: Slightly Envious
Genre: Drama
Characters: Xiumin and Luhan
Rated: No
Type:
Title: 5/5
I really liked the title and can seriously say that it perfectly fits the story.
Foreword: 9/10
It reveals the plot as much as it need to. The only thing that I can suggest is if you could use some colors (not too bright) ? There won't be anything wrong if you use some fonts as well. (Not too curly, though.)
Plot: 10/10
It's a plot that can relate to everyone. Let's face it, half of your readers might just wait for them to get together, right? You know that they don't have to.
Being envious is something serious and it shows that that person has flaws that he is not proud of and by that, he directs his anger towards the "perfect" dongsaeng.
Once you have been extremely envious of someone, you can hardly go back.
Details: 7/10
The story was really easy to read and didn't burden me at all. That doesn't mean it's perfect.
If you can add details, or just fuller sentences, I think it would be great. Just don't make the story heavy, since it's perfect like that.
Grammar: 9/10
I just saw some tense mixing on some places, but I guess that it was a typo or something.
I also saw that you keep your sentences (mostly) short. Don't do that a lot.
Mood: 17/20
Maybe because you have four chapters, but they are too short and that's why I wasn't left satisfied with your story. But I liked it.
Overall Score: 57/65 => 87.7%
I liked the plot and title the most. Maybe the thing that you should work on the most is the content, meaning sentences length and use of details. Good luck with the story and sorry for the wait ^^
Kate_Sunshine
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Title: Picture of You
Author: deedee_zelo90
Genre: Romance/Fluff
Characters:Jung Yunho, Nanami Kuda
Rated: No
Type: Straight
Title: 3/5
This wasn't the best title, not to mention that I didn't see a connection to the plot. Why don't you think of something else, shorter or longer, but attractive?
Foreword: 7/10
You didn't reveal the plot entirely, so it's ok.
Don't put the credits between the actual story related text. I was going to skip the foreword because of the distraction. The credits are placed at the bottom with the smallest visible size and font.
Plot: 6/10
I didn't really see what you wanted to do. They met, okay. They talked, yes, but wasn't it too early to talk about love? It didn't grab me. The story felt like it was just plain. Not to mention the lack of a plot twist or something at all.
Details: 9/10
You didn't lack in details, but the biggest problem was the grammar.
Grammar: 5/10
Even from the foreword, I already saw mistakes. You use too much comas and it's really distracting.
Also it is: "Wherever she goes, I will find her..." Not "whenever"
I suggest you either find a good beta reader or use websites to analyze your text, so that you see where you lack.
Mood: 10/20
The story didn't grab me, sorry. It was nothing special, no plot twist or at least some surprising action from one of the characters. You just described a meeting, nothing else.
Overall Score: 40/65 => 61,5%
You should really work on your story, especially the grammar and plot.
Kate_Sunshine
-----------
Title: Best Friend
Author: fasiha1234
Genre: Romance, Comedy, School Life
Ungraded comments:
The title doesn't catch my eye. It's really plain, tells nothing, and doesn't make me want to read the story. The description doesn't make it seem any more enticing. In fact, the description makes it sound incredibly generic. Oh, and look, the girl Kai likes is a . How ing original. The foreword also looks really...cluttered, in general, but I suppose that's a side effect of AFF supporting tons of products.
As a side note, I really dislike "subscriber-only" stories. I subbed to be able to read but unsubbed immediately after, because I would like to subscribe after reading the story and judging for myself. That's more a personal pet peeve, though.
Also, at the end of every chapter, you put up this link, which I can't access. I have no idea what it leads to, but I'd suggest not doing that.
It also looked like you hit enter in the middle of a sentence a couple of times, so the formatting looks really weird and some lines are jumpy.
Plot: 4/20
Well, it looked kind of like you took every single romcom trope you could and then smashed it all together. In love with your childhood friend? Check. Childhood friend returning and looking suddenly desirable? Check. Boy you're in love with is dating a ? Check. Being forced to live with a hot dude who was your childhood friend in the past but is now kind of a ? Check. Traumatic past? Check. (Occasionally) abusive parent(s)? Check (oh wait, that's a Mary Sue...)
I mean, I gotta give you props for the sheer number of clichés you managed to squeeze into eighteen short chapters. That's some insane amount of forcing. As a result, though, not only is your story ridiculously predictable, it also moves too fast. There are absolutely no transitions. People and plot points just jump in and out of existence. Hayoung's dead brother seems to exist entirely for the purpose of making her seem angsty before you decided that weird kidnapping thing in the past would work better. Her mother was abusive for all of five sentences before she went back to being a perfectly normal mother. Krystal only exists when it's convenient for her to exist -- the same thing with Kai, actually. The Kai point doesn't get resolved -- barely even gets started, really, before Kris jumps in. Then, that doesn't get resolved until Luhan jumps in. It's like you got bored with your own plot, ditched the original arc, and then went for a completely different one because it was new and sparkly.
There's also a severe lack of realism, like Kris' parents visiting at one in the ing morning, because apparently it was too difficult to call or email a few hours in advance and actually move in at a decent time? I don't know; you never actually answered your own question there.
My suggestion would be to write a short story first. Learn how to formulate a sound beginning, middle, and end. Have one plot, not a ton of arcs that overwrite each other, united by one central conflict. Currently, your story literally does not have a point.
Characters: 3/10
This was difficult to grade, because I think there was a huge difference between intent and actual result. Your foreword describes Hayoung as "cheerful, sarcastic, cute". I read her as "narcissistic, melodramatic, entitled". A narcissistic, melodramatic, entitled girl could actually be a very good character -- there's a lot of flaws that make her interesting and a lot of room for character development. The problem is, in order for that to be a good character, she has to be written in the light of a flawed person, not a "cheerful, sarcastic, cute" person. As a result, she just comes off remarkably unsympathetic and a general . While reading, I wrote the phrase "she's so ing melodramatic" and similar sentiments around nine times. I also started compiling a list of exactly why Hayoung was not a "cheerful, sarcastic, cute" person and a rather inconsistent character overall.
"All the other girls were just jealous of me and didn't bother to be friends with me" is a phrase most commonly heard with narcissistic teenage girls who believe they're the center of the world. It implies that Hayoung believes she's awesome enough that the only people who could hate her are people who are jealous of her -- in other words, she's so perfect people can only hate her for being perfect. "I can totally tell she's a from just one look" is ridiculously judgmental and short-sighted, especially when Krystal acts reasonably (if a little brattily) for most of the story. "The most unluckiest person that had ever existed on planet earth" just sounds childish. She's caustic and rude to Kai -- no wonder he wouldn't want to date her. I sure as hell wouldn't. I wouldn't even stay friends with her.
The whole "gangster" thing seems really unnecessary and something shoved in just to make her both tragic and "cool". She's got absolutely none of the toughness, none of the "badassery" you'd expect from a gang leader (although she does have the, uh, uncouthness). She breaks down crying every other chapter because Kai kisses Krystal. At some point, you'd think she'd get used to it. She cooks for Kris and then complains about having to do the housework. If she's so pissed about it, why doesn't she just make food for herself and let Kris starve? That's what I would do, and I'm not even a gangster. Her character development sounds like something out of a gag anime or something -- traumatic haircut makes girl unleash inner rebel! Except she doesn't actually get rebellious -- she just gets narcissistic and melodramatic.
Kai and Kris seem to be the exact same person. Their characterizations seem to be pretty much "possessive, childish at times, short-tempered, douchey at times". It's like characterization ex machina or something -- their personalities are what the plot demands of them. There was also a problem when Hayoung said that Kai acted differently with Krystal. Well, I couldn't see any difference. He seemed just as dumb, just as puppy-dog-clueless, and just as blank as he "always" was. This also brings me to the problem of "showing, not telling," but I'll touch on that later.
Her mother was also inconsistently characterized. Actually, I feel like most characters were either inconsistent or completely flat (D.O., Mei Li). Except for Hayoung, but I mean, I gave her three entire paragraphs, so I think you've got the idea on her.
Details: 1/10
A lot of little things bothered me, some of which were touched earlier on. The traumatic past seemed completely comedic and not at all dramatic -- I laughed out loud when she found herself tied to a chair. It just seemed ridiculously over the top. The people arriving at 1 in the morning crashed my suspension of disbelief. As I wrote in my notes: " no ing way. you just threw realism out the window after running it through a ing meat grinder." The dialogue sounded like something you'd hear on a kindergarten playground -- very stilted, very simple.
A bigger thing I hated was the POV changes. If you're going to write in first person ("I, me"), then write in first person and first person only. Also, if you're doing limited omniscient (which you were up until you decided to POV switch), don't change characters within a chapter. In fact, I wouldn't change characters even within the story. I know it can seem nice to get the view on Kai's perspective, for example, but it's really unnecessary and something good writers can do even without the change in perspective. Also, don't go into second ("you") person unless you're willing to commit to second person for the entirety of your story. Same goes for third ("he, her, it). I'd personally advise against second person, because it's an odd style for these kinds of stories.
Don't use excessive punctuation (e.g. ........ or ?! or !!!!). It looks amateur, and you should learn to express amusement or bewilderment in other ways. Also, the random "yup"s don't really fit in and seem juvenile.
Grammar: 6/20
Learn proper comma usage: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm would be a good start. Learn how to format dialogue correctly. Read over what you write before you publish it: there's a lot of missing letters and stupid typos that easily occur when you don't proofread. "Loose" describes something that isn't tight; "lose" is the opposite of win or gain. Your grammar isn't great, but it's not the main problem with the story.
Total: 14/60 = 23.3%
reviewed by JunglePoppy
---------"The Game Of The Maze"
by doubleabs
Reviewer: Kate_Sunshine
Title: 4/5
I like the title, because it is something different. What I don't like too much is that it's too long. If I were you, I would have probably written "The Maze" only or "Maze Game" (not saying that this was a good title, but you get my point.) I just don't really like too long titles, maybe because I know that sometimes it's hard to put them on a poster xD
Foreword: 7/10
How about kicking it up a notch a little? Add colors (not too bright) and also don't hesitate in using fonts. I am a er for Eras Light ITC (you can add it from the source in the editor), just saying.
Another thing, the introduction of the games should have been put first and not the rules. I also don't like that there are titles, so maybe you could connect them somehow without writing "Rules", "Brief introduction..."
So maybe you should keep Hyeri's scoff by reading everything in the end as it is right now.
The rules could be also aligned to the center.
Plot: 9/10
It really depends on how you will write everything. The plot is nice, maybe it screams too much Hunger Games to me, but we can't say that every idea in this world should be extremely original and totally unrelated to something. You made it interesting by the way you introduced the characters and how you made up the rules, since the girl is randomly chosen, but the boy is according to his relationship with her. I liked that since it shows that the girl would have a soft spot for him and will be crushed if something happens to him.
Characterization: 10/10
I loved how they said "I love you" before going in. It was simple, sincere and totally human since they wouldn't know if they would come back alive. You OC's character is a strong one and Tao isn't a loser as well. They match each other pretty much right.
Details: 8/10
You didn't really lack in details, although you turned the sixth chapter into some kind of a dialog, which is not a big deal. You should always bee careful in your point of views, since you have changed from third person to first in a snap in some chapters.
Grammar: 9/10
Minor mistakes from time to time.
Remember that it's three slices of bread and some butter, and not three breads and some butter, since it ruins the image of her being treated badly.
Mood 17/20
I had an easy time in reading the story since it wasn't too light or too heavy. You had no problems in grammar and by that, you made everything easy for me to understand and absorb. I liked the story, even if it's not my personally favorite genre.
Overall Score: 64/75 => 85.3%
Keep up with the good work and good luck with the story ^^
Kate_Sunshine
----------Title: Iridescent
Author: vanilla1211
Genre: Fluff, Romance, School Life
Ungraded comments:
The title is pretty. Easy to glance over, a little simple for my tastes, but it's pretty. It also fits the story in a way that's obvious but not in-your-face. I like the description, although I would have liked a period at the end even more, and the foreword is nice -- tells you all you need to know without bogging you down with extraneous details. I personally wouldn't have reposted it at the start of the one-shot, but it doesn't make a difference.
Plot: 18/20
It's cute. It's so, so cute, and it made me smile against my own volition. If I were to describe the plot, it'd sound trivially banal (Sehun falls in love with a friend, w00t w00t). But it's a short story, and it develops well, so I don't have any problems with that.
One thing I think you could have done better is the pacing of Sehun's confession. It's more than 100 words of just plain exposition, really, and it's thrown at the reader without giving him/her time to digest and understand it. I didn't even have time to register it as a confession, really.
Characters: 7/10
Well, "colors" allowed you to essentially list personalities for characters, so. It's an easy way out, maybe, but it works. It's also a short story, so it's easier to make allowances for characters that are told, not shown. I like Jongin's character, because his was one of the few personalities I could actually "see" in the story. Tao's was more subtle, but I kind of liked his as well.
(incorporated details into plot, because there was nothing for me to touch on, really)
Grammar: 6/20
There's a lot of tense confusion, mainly between present and past. Most of the story is written in past tense, I think, but some parts randomly jump into present.
ex. "Sehun picked the Persian green because the color looks cool and calming..."
should be "Sehun picked Persian green because the color looked cool and calming..."
(This sentence is actually part of a really gigantic partial run-on that's extremely hard to puzzle through at first. "Sehun picked green because it reminded him of Junmyeon's voice and how he would comfort Sehun whenever the other big mean boys bullied him" would probably function better as its own sentence. "He wanted his bedroom to be like his Junmyeon-hyung, who always carried this peaceful and comfortable air around him" could also be its own sentence. That would make it a lot less confusing, I think.)
ex2. " Sehun flashes the boy a toothy smile, “Sure!”"
should be "Sehun flashed the boy a toothy smile. "Sure!""
(note: period, because his statement isn't related to the sentence itself and is a separate idea; the "he said" is understood and would make it a proper sentence)
ex3. "Sehun keeps rambling on how Kris reminds him of black..."
should be "Sehun kept rambling on how Kris reminds him of black..."
ex4. " It was an odd event because it’s their third year and it was nearing high school entrance exam. The transferred student’s name is Kim Jongin."
should be "It was an odd event because it was their third year and it was nearing high school entrance exams. The transferred student's name was Kim Jongin."
(note: "exams" is plural because there is more than one person taking exams. I feel like it could also be a turn of phrase, though.)
Of course, if you want the entire story to be written in present tense, then you've got to change everything that's in past tense. I can definitely see the rationale for writing in present tense -- it allows a feeling of immediacy and stream-of-consciousness that past tense doesn't give. I can also see the rationale for writing in past tense -- it's more traditional, good for narratives, tells a story that allows the reader to move at his/her own pace. Either works -- you've just got to choose one and stick with it.
You use a lot of extraneous words, especially at the beginning of the story. You've also got a couple of sentences that just sound really out of place and detract from my overall enjoyment of the story.
ex. "Sehun’s bedroom walls are painted with green."
should be "Sehun's bedroom walls are painted green" or simply, "Sehun's bedroom walls are green."
ex2. "“Hey, what color am I?” Zitao inquired, his face is serious."
should be ""Hey, what color am I?" Zitao inquired, his face serious."
(Alternatively, ""Hey, what color am I? Zitao inquired. His face [was] serious." There's a problem with your sentence written the way it is because "his face is serious" is an independent clause. It has a subject and a verb -- it's a complete thought and can stand alone as a sentence. You can't join two independent clauses together with a comma; it's not "strong" enough.)
ex3. "Not only ridiculously quiet, Jongin is also studious."
This sentence is entirely useless. It serves no current purpose in the paragraph it's in because it makes no difference if Jongin is studious or not. It's jarringly out-of-place. Same thing with "Yes, that's a compliment" 4 paragraphs later. It serves no purpose and just detracts the reader from the actual meaning of the story, which is a shame, because it's in a very pretty paragraph.
ex4." It’s lovely and Jongin likes it (not in a weird way, mind you)."
The stuff in the parenthesis is unnecessary; it's understood for most people.
A lot of your extraneous comments and sentences would be fine in a crackier, longer, more "young adult"-type fic. Same with the extended vowels (“Sooooooooooooooooooooooo…?”) and some of the internal monologue. I just feel like the general tone of your story is more suited to a more tranquil, introspective fic, which is why I'm pointing them out.
There's also some little stuff that could be attributed to unfamiliarity with the English language; "man up" is commonly used to tell someone to get braver or more courageous. I think you meant it more in the sense of becoming a man.
A word of warning about point of view: I'm not sure if you meant to write it in third person omniscient (you get a peek into everyone's head), but you slip into it when Jongin starts chasing after Sehun. I've got nothing against third person omniscient -- it's a great way to give importance to multiple characters at the same time -- but it can also get hard to manage. It's also very jarring when you suddenly slip into it when you'd been only using third person limited previously.
Mood: 10/10
Your writing style is gorgeous and really sets the scene for your story. It kept everything from being overly sweet/fluffy and plays off the almost magical realism feel of the color association. The premise is interesting enough to draw me in but simple enough to produce a decent one-shot. It's not particularly original, but it doesn't need to be. I loved how you incorporated Jia and Tao's relationship, and how it didn't quite work out but it held promise for the future.
The grammar mishaps were pretty much the biggest thing that bothered me. I'd suggest getting a beta reader, one who's actually proficient at English. If you want to, I can send you a much more comprehensive list of parts with problems (warning: it might end up more like a rewrite than a list of problems, though)
It's not a big, grand thing. It's not very memorable. It didn't make me cry, it didn't make me squeal with joy -- it wouldn't even be something I'd recommend to my friends. But it's small, it's sweet, and it made me smile. If you work on the grammar and clean up your writing a little, it could become a beautiful little feel-good piece. It's definitely got potential.
Total: 41/60 = 68.3%
reviewed by JunglePoppy
---------Dangerous Love
by ShinAeChan
Title: 2/5
Too many titles like that, hun. You should really consider in changing it since, at least in my opinion, I wouldn't check out your story if I had to judge by its title.
You could think of something different and again- dramatic.
Poster: 7/10
You were THIS close in getting the poster perfect, if you just want it to be suiting the story well. The characters have different lighting, making it obvious that it's pure fanfiction. I would advise you to put a texture on top, play with brightness and contrast and around there, you will get the effect in creating a homogenous poster.
I would suggest that you take away the girl in the lower corner, since it only distracts. You have the main heroine and you don't need another random picture in the poster.
I liked the title and I think that you blend well. Good job :)
Foreword: 5/10
Just because you inserted that kind of a character introduction.
Let me tell you something, you should not have something like that at all!
You can put in the characters so that people know who to expect, but not who is who and which in a row best fighter he is. It's unnecessary and just does not look good. Trust me, the foreword's style is perfect, I love it, but I really don't think that having a character's introduction is something helpful. At least not to the serious reader.
Another thing is that I barely read their names. What I mean is that the letters are extremely close together and I still can't read the characters' names.
A character should not be introduced in the foreword, but in the story by his/her actions. Don't put an impression on the reader before he has yet read the first chapter. Some people may like or not like the characters, this is what you are aiming for. You don't want programmed readers who know that
"Jack from the Red Cross is in love with Jill from the Green Peace and that Jack is perfect, just because he is: the best volunteer, has a black belt in some random sport and is falling head over heels for Jill, while Jill digs guys in red labeled jackets."
This is what you are doing, giving an impression of how good someone is at something, before even starting the story.
Also, it's pretty obvious who stands where in the hierarchy by the way you have introduced them. OC first, second guy second...Baekhyun somewhere in the end. I just got it immediately.
Plot: 10/10
Okay, you got me. A chaebol family massacred, only one survivor who later gets involved with, obviously, the wrong company. Gangs and drugs always come together and the love in it is indeed dangerous. Gangs were always my thing so I have no doubt in liking your plot.
Characterization: 8/10
A big turnoff was that she didn't have as much as reaction about her parents dying as she should have. Her family was killed and she was close to death, these things should haunt her day and night in her nightmares even.
Another thing- if she found that Baekhyun may be related with her family's murder, well...
I would be EXTREMELY depressed, confused and pissed off if I was her.
I guess that I may have not saw that feeling in her, at least in not that level of drama that I was searching for.
Baekhyun is a twisted with his on and off mood swings. Don't get me wrong, the fact that I called him a means that I liked how you portrayed him. We always have those strange bastards that can treat girls like , but at the same time-love them.
Or does he love her?
Details: 7/10
I saw that you changed point of views in a flashing speed during the period when her brother tried to save them. I did not like this at all, since a person, who is so caught up with reading shouldn't at all be distracted by the option to adjust to a different person's point of view and on top of all, it being for only a short paragraph.
Another thing is that you skip too much. You skipped the time in the hospital, decision to go to Korea and how she even got into that club. At least put a sentence saying: Some months later... Seoul, Republic of Korea, 22:34 PM or something.
And again, after she went to Korea, everything happened so fast. It's really not a good decision to skip months two times in a single chapter.
I think that you should have placed the part where she is in the club, meeting Baekhyun as a new chapter.
Grammar: 8/10
Chapter 1: ..."The perfect daughter"... Not only daughter, should be with a "the" in front.
Chapter 2: "I seen Shinwu" I actually couldn't understand that, but I think that it was a typo? Should be either "I saw..." or "I've seen", but I don't think it's the second in your case.
You shouldn't insert stuttering in the speech, but describe it after that. Also, don't write anything with capital letters only, it's just not okay. You had also used dashes instead of comas and vice-versa, but it's not something that we could die from.
Chapter 2 EXO-K and Shinee were, because they are many people, and on top of all- two groups. Everything that is more than one is treated as second person in plural.
"I was"
"You were"
"They were"
Mood: 15/20
I noticed that when the doctor was explaining her condition, after telling her that her parents didn't make it, he used no emotion. You used so many medical conditions that you forgot to say at least a single "Sorry for your loss" from him. It was a big mistake, since I immediately thought that this doctor was either Stalin or some heartless greedy old grandpa.
I kind of lost the connection between third and fifth chapter (without the ending of the chapter) and I was somehow confused with the happenings. But I need to tell you, even so, you started off so good and somehow ended the sixth chapter nicely, meaning that you picked up your pace. Be careful with the moments and scenes since you have to be really detailed from now on.
Overall Score: 68/85 => 80.0%
I can easily say good job, but you should work on your story a little bit more. I have to give it to you, I had an easy time in reading your story and I concentrated well on everything. If you think that 80% is a low score, don't - I rarely can concentrate on reading everything on the first try ;)
Kate_Sunshine
-----Konnichiwa! Taodaypanda here and today, we're going to be reviewing 'Pull Me Under' by colorfulsky. Ikimashoo ;)
Title: 5/5
The title is definitely unique. The title can depict a feeling of submission and or curiosity. A few messages that can be derived from the title (without reading the story): 'What's below me?' and 'Take me now'. Back to the topic at hand, the title is beautiful, due to the messages that can be derived from it.
Foreword: N/A
Plot: 10/10
How the story can be viewed is up to the reader. The protagonist feels she is in tune with reality, yet everyone else around her views her as insane. She then meets a young boy who she could relate to on an emotional level, and from there, they develop an unexpected friendship. It turns out, the protagonist has been mourning over a loved one for over three years and the pieces of evidence begin to fall about the protagonist’s loved one. Each character in the story is involved in the central conflict.
Details: 8.5/10
Some might have a difficult time reading the story, because everything was clumped into one large chapter. An eye-catching element used was the significance of water. In movies, water symbolizes change. This element was omnipresent throughout the story.
Grammar/Punctuation/Paraphrasing: 9.5/10
The only critique that I can give is to paraphrase one of the sentences in the beginning with this: “I can’t help but feel caged in.”. Overall, the grammar, punctuation, etc. was en pointé
Mood: 20/20
Beautifully dark. A guilty pleasure, and a story meant not for the faint of heart. The story is realistic, relatable and subtle. The ending also finishes off the story in a high note.
Overall Score: 53/55 = (96%)
———
I’m featuring your story <3 I JUST LOVED EACH AND EVERY MOMENT OF IT! Keep up the good work ;)
-Taodaypanda
----------
Konnichiwa! Taodaypanda here and today we're going to be reviewing Under The Rain. Ikimashoo! 
Under The Rain by clasicoustic
Title: 5/5
Rain is meant to symbolize change (According to my English teacher from sophomore year).
If the characters are under the rain, change (whether it be from bad to good, or vice versa)
might be an omnipresent element throughout the story.
Foreword/Description: 6/10
Aside from certain grammatical errors, the description is cliche. No further elaboration is needed. True, the description
has great emotional appeal; however, nothing makes the description stand out in comparison to every other fan fiction.
In terms of the description, it does its job fairly well.
Plot: 8/10
The story starts of 'fifteen years ago' where Minseok meets a beautiful young lady.
Later on, Minseok and the young girl meet once again,
and the scene plays out once more. A tragic event brings them closer together, and
that's where the story ends.
The theme(s) that can be derived from the story: good things come to those who wait,
and with every good event, a bad one must come along to create equilibrium.
Cliche, but the tragic event certainly emphasizes the Pathos element in the story (which i'm a fan of!)
Details: 7/10
An interesting detail added in the story is that Minseok is a photographer (props for originality!).
The simile at the end of the story did an excellent job at wrapping up the story; however (on a side note),
Luhan and Yixing did not play major roles in the plot line.
Grammar/Punctuation/Paraphrasing: 3/10
Tense:
In the "Fifteen years ago" section of the story, each action MUST BE changed to past tense.
(e.g.: 'she wore', 'was raining', etc.)
"He kept scrolling on the page due to his impulses."
Paraphrasing/Common Corrections:
"He walks out while grabbing an umbrella. It's raining pretty hard."
"He turned to look at a girl..."
"He was walking on the rain-drenched street (take out 'making water splash everywhere')
"It was a not-so-sunny day...(take out when and replace it with a period)"
"Hours passed as Minseok was unknowingly scrolling through webpages on his laptop."
"He stopped when he realized the sun was not shining anymore (take out 'the sky is all dark')
"Being a magazine photographer is not easy, especially when the model flakes (flake is a synonym for not coming on purpose)."
"He rubbed his eyes and made his way to the kitchen."
"Because of work..."
"Seeing him like this, his friend Luhan ..."
"Of course it's not true. If he wants to lose weight, it wouldn't be through dieting."
The common error presented in this fan fiction relies solely on paraphrasing. Sometimes there is too much detail in a sentence, which is not needed.
Tense error is also an omnipresent error.
Mood: 14/20
Excellent use of Pathos. Just be sure to use the correct tense in each sentence (via paraphrasing) to provide a smoother story flow.
Total: 43/65 (66%)
I wish you the best of luck in your future stories/updates! FIGHTING!
-Taodaypanda
-------Konnichiwa! Taodaypanda here and today we’re going to be reviewing After Earth by my girl, heart_and_seoul <3 Ikimashoo! 
Title: 5/5
The title is simple and to the point (En pointé with the theme of the story).
Description/Foreword: 10/10
The description does an excellent job at summarizing the story. It is detailed enough, to the point where any reader could get the gist of the story. The preview in the foreword also emphasizes the theme of the story quite nicely. There was also the absence of character description in this section, which a lot of writers tend to do. Excellent job.
Plot: 9/10
In short, the plot revolves around our protagonist Yuna, who learns how to survive a post-apocalyptic setting with the help of Chanyeol. There are other groups of survivors as well, but by no means are they going to play nice. The plot breaks the meta in AsianFanFics (straight-forward love stories), which is a nice change of pace for the readers.
Characterization: 10/10
The first chapter revolves solely on Yuna. It is revealed that after the incident happened, she was taught survival techniques by her father, thus revealing that Yuna has the qualities of the typical storybook hero (Yeah! Gurl Power! XD). Chanyeol has the qualities of a true gentleman, as revealed through his dialogue in the second chapter. Through direct characterization, requirements have been met.
Details: 8.5/10
Diction is excellent and well-rounded. The diction ranged from simplistic (dark carroty head) to moderately high-caliber (pearlescent). In terms of the syntax, a slight adjustment could be made. In almost every story on this website, writers move the dialogue to a new line (when a new character is speaking). This slight alteration makes the story easier to read, so that each paragraph does not look so compressed.
Grammar/Punctuation/Paraphrasing: 9/10
The story, overall (in terms of this category) is en pointé. Little to no mistakes were found. One slight correction that could be made is the addition of a comma in ‘Dark, carroty head’. Also, some words were missing in this sentence: “…and wait it to turn red”. “Waited for it to turn red” would be an appropriate correction.
Mood: 18/20
This story was well written, well thought out, and any reader could feel like they are right in the story. The range in diction makes the story well rounded; however, starting off the story with a side chapter was not necessary. The event in the side chapter could have just been incorporated in the beginning of the first chapter; however, this is just my opinion. Overall, the story was quite enjoyable to read, and each event flowed nicely with one another.
Total: 69.5/75 = 92.6% (App. 93%)
Congratulations! Your story just got featured! Sorry I took so long on your request ^^’ Kkaepsong. Please keep up the good work, and I look forward to your future works. FIGHTING!
-Taodaypanda
-----------
Konnichiwa! Taodaypanda here and today we’re going to be reviewing the foreword of Blind Heirs by bts_kimtaehyung (formerly christine3006) <3 Ikimashoo! 
Title: 4/5
The title sounds unique, yet some might be skeptical about it. An interpretation that can be derived from it (given only reading the title) is that heirs are blind due to their wealth. In a literal interpretation (where the reader thinks heirs are physically blind), questions could be raised amongst the reader. Depending on the targeted audience, it may or may not seem appealing.
Description/Foreword: 8/10
The description does an excellent job at summarizing the plot. Character descriptions in the foreword should be avoided. The reader should be able to interpret the character themselves as the story progresses.
Plot: 8.5/10
A girl (Kim Yoo Jung) became blind due to depression. She loves to play the piano, because she can express her true emotions. The cause of her depression was the murder of her beloved parents. Eventually, she finds a man who will only leave her in the end, and a love triangle will be created. Aside from the cliché romance, Yoo Jung is a beautifully developed character. By the way she was described, she can capture the hearts of readers instantly.
Details: 7.5/10
Addressing the topic at hand, there are too many “What if?” questions in the description. The reader will immediately be caught off guard with the questions, thus losing their focus in the story itself. Also, there were no periods in quotes such as “Love is complicated”. The transitions were slightly off when her passion for piano was mentioned, then the fact that her parents were murdered. Also there was no clear indication on how she became adopted by a rich family.
Grammar/Punctuation/Paraphrasing: 4.5/10
This section might not be the strongest suit.
“…who is rich, but blind due to depression…”
“…cruel world is to listen from both ears.” (listening and hearing are the same thing).
“The only thing she loves to do is play the piano because she can release her true emotions.”
“When her parents were still alive, she did not have to suffer from being blind.”
“…rich family, but they never treated her like their own.”
“What if one day, someone comes into her life to change it for the better?”
“Where she could smile and have good times with him?”
“What if he would leave her?”
“What if a cold hearted man were to fall in love with her?”
“You were the only one that I trusted. So why did you have to leave?”
“You’re just like the snow, gone once the seasons change.”
Mood: 17/20
Overall, the story sounds fairly interesting. Readers will fall in love with Yoo Jung and definitely feel the atmosphere being created throughout the story. The only weakness in this story is the grammar/punctuation/paraphrasing. The “What if?” questions in the description might also throw the reader off guard.
Total: 49.5/65 = 76.1% (App. 76%)
Keep up the good work! I look forward to updates on this story! Fighting!
-Taodaypanda
---------------
"Under The Cherry Blossom" by Baboboo.
Reviewed by Esotericrose.
Title – 4/5
Title is alright. Cherry blossoms are fairly provoking of the feelings of ‘love’ etc. Serves its purpose. The only negative is that it’s slightly … generic.
Plot – 3/10
When I first started reading this, to be quite frank, my curiosity hadn’t been piqued; it’s the same romance plotline with new faces.
Within the first few chapters, you’ve got Jessica falling for Kris after a mere sight? What does Kris have? How does Kris make Jessica, a girl who’s probably seen all types of guys (and rejected them), crumble into the silly obsessions of prepubescent teens. She’s being completely impeded from all natural endeavours of the day. This is a big ‘no’. Since you’re pretty much manipulating a character (with great potential, might I add), into a tool to get you your oppa (sorry this is harsh, but I honestly feel as if this is the point of “Under the Cherry Blossom”). Despite so, I wouldn’t say you should never have your characters fall in love or whatever at first sight, just make sure to explain to the reader. Why Kris stands out amongst the many other guys who’ve fawned over Jessica – and not something superficial.
The use/input of the song … is a little irrelevant, but I digress. This is personal opinion.
Really, it lacks originality. Jessica’s the best student of the class, beautiful, smart, and literally perfect in every way. Kai is her male friend, also, awesomely hot and is in love with Jessica all this time? You don’t need a lot, just something, a new twist to the same line. Hell, give Jessica a disability or something, I don’t know.
Aim: Strive to make your plot different.
Foreword -- 7/10
The foreword could be improved. To me I wouldn’t read it, not from a reviewer perspective but as a potential subscriber/reader, this screams to me that it’s a typical drama plot intended to fulfil a fangirl’s dreams. I appreciate that fanfiction is exactly that, but in terms of originality, I wouldn’t say it jumps out to me.
--- However! The voicing of your writing is unique, it’s refreshing and is reminiscent of a highschool girl – complementary of the story setting.
NB: I subtracted points for the grammar.
Character Development – 2.5/10.
Jessica: In my opinion she’s been portrayed as a semi Mary Sue. Let me give you some examples. She’s cold/standoffish but all of the guys like her. Also, Jessica suddenly changes, her entire disposition and harsh character flips; she takes a huge U-turn when by the mere sight of Kris sleeping… all because he’s a pretty boy. This is a slight insult to all adolescents out there, gives a similar ring to twilight and Bella’s silly little infatuation, but at least Meyer had/has the excuse that Edward’s heartbreakingly perfect appearance and natural magnetising (love inducing) aura is due to his vampiric abilities. A person’s character changes with time, but Jessica’s suddenly become a nosy individual with a growing tendency to involve herself with Kris… I don’t like it.
“When the admirable, elegant, gorgeous president reads an application form, even the scene will be perfect. Yet the scene was ruined by that nerdy boy beside her. It was just like having a fly on a Mona Lisa's painting and the angriest thing was that the fly used his homework questions as an excuse to disrupt her idol's work. President Jung was too kind that she got used by evil people.”
Sorry but the above sentence is a bit… meh. You are constantly praising Jessica, making her beautiful, smart, loved by all the guys. Ew. Done right it makes the reader envious, almost appreciative.
“Of course, Jessica wasn't just a dull student who only studied, her wonderful organizing skills resulted in her being elected in the council, and she managed large scale projects. That was when her reputation for being calm and kind spread throughout the entire student population.”
Just a question that you, in turn, ask yourself. Have you ever rejected a guy? Guys are usually prideful (I know I’m generalising but you pretty much said that she’s incredibly popular with the male gender), do you think, that if a guy is rejected… that they’d spread kind words? There’d be some sort of slander to her name… again, it shouts mary sue to me…
--- “Ne?" Jessica opened the can and elegantly took a sip.”
How does one ‘elegantly’ take a sip from a can? Most of us slurp, most of us make a noise or something along those lines because the carbonation within the drink is too ‘strong’/ too fizzy, so to speak.
--- “Jessica threw the can into the trash bin flawlessly, and left with a good mood.”
… sorry what? Throwing a can is not flawless; it’s precise, yes, it makes one feel good because of a small victory, of course! But not ‘flawlessly’….
Kris: He’s fairly constant, mysterious – my type, yes (give me some Kris). I like your portrayal of him, but he might be a little too companionable considering Jessica’s predictions that he’s ‘the same type of person as she is’ as in he likes to keep a distance etc.
Flow of Story – 5/10
A little too fast for me. Comfort between potential partners (in real life) is never as easy as you depict; there’s a lot of anxiety, a lot of nervousness and carefulness/worrying.
Spelling and Grammar- 6/10
There are a few issues with tensing, but it’s passable… just. For example’s sake, here:
--- “Springtime was when the cherry blossom blooms.”
Correction: “Springtime is when the cherry blossom blooms”
Since you write in past tense, you must realise that seasons, and certain places may need to be referred to in present tense (as they typically are incessant occurrences of life).
--- “What a beautiful place - to get sad at that place was indeed a waste.”
Correction: “What a beautiful place – to grow sad, here, would be a waste, indeed.”
Bear in mind, I’m being a picky er. The flow of sentence would be hampered be the repeat of the same word in a sentence (this is for general use, of course).
--- “Within a few steps, a person jumped out from behind the tree and naturally walked beside her, showing no attempts to cover up the fact that he was eavesdropping.”
Points: I wouldn’t say ‘naturally’ walked. What other type of walk is there? Everyone ‘naturally’ walks, anyway. Using a thesaurus is useful, sometimes. Also, alter the ‘was’ to a ‘had been’
--- “Jessica just flashed her signature smile,”
I wouldn’t recommend or encourage the frequent use of ‘just’ in such a context (or use a synonym). It’s not necessary, and, to be honest, turns me off from reading any further.
The use of Korean might be a ‘no’… Korean newbies wouldn’t be able to understand, after all, when I first became instigated into the Kpop fandom, my Korean simmered around ‘annyeong’, ‘unnie’, ‘oppa’ at most.
Honestly, I feel like you’re adding in your Korean words to try and ‘wow’ the readers. Sure, it might wow the newbies, but for the intermediates (or anyone who has put a little effort into learning the language, we’re left scratching our heads and wondering if you were adding those Korean words in to brag). I’d recommend just restricting yourself to the personal titles (since this (respect) is a prominent aspect of Korean and Asian culture).
Again, it’s up to personal preference. Do what you will.
“Deproved” is not a word, avoid inventing them. I highly recommend using a program like ‘Microsoft word’ etc.
There are a few paradoxes within your story: you basically introduced Kris as someone she’s noticed, but then, explicitly stated that Jessica has never met him. A bit of a ‘What?’ moment, I suggest you alter it.
Anyway, your grammar is relatively good. Editing could be used (I can’t emphasise how useful Microsoft office is!)
The writing style is nice; it’s clearly, yours, and not an attempted imitation of others. I might sound negative but this is better than the other fics posted on AFF.
Overall Enjoyment - 8/20
Points were awarded for Kris’s character, the metaphors were nice in the right places. Lacked originality but can be easily fixed.
Total Score: 35.5/75 – 47.3%
Final comments –
- Get a good beta.
- Use a thesaurus, proofread (which you should do anyway).
- Microsoft word!!
- Try to develop your main character, first. Give her/him flaws -- and real ones.
I believe the following link would help you: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/SoYouWantTo/AvoidWritingAMarySue
Give google a try, “How to write better” can bring up a lot of good results.
I see a lot of potential in you. Don’t lost heart. Best of luck.
- esotericrose.
------------Title: Portrait
Author: Jenday
Characters: Ravi, Hongbin, N
Reviewer: Katakatica
Title: 10 / 10
At first it seemed too short, too simple, but then I read the story and realized that it was beyond perfect for it.
Foreword + Description:14.5 / 15
My only problem is that it's short. However, the short quote you have added IS quite fitting so good job on that.
Layout (poster+fonts+appearance): 10/ 10
Neat poster, readable font (aka not too big/too small), nothing of an eyesore appearance-wise. So good job.
Grammar: 15/15
Perfect. Seriously, I didn't see any mistakes in the story. I love your choice of words, too. It added on the dramatic effect (that I will explain more in 'style').
Plot: 25/ 25 (originality, believability, plot-twists)
It was definitely something unique. I loved the plot, and how it was contructed. Honestly, it was a tiny bit predictable on some points, but the ending did shock me quite a bit, so good job on that. It was honestly something I didn't expect to read something like this, so we could say that you shocked me quite a bit. The plot itself was refreshing and depressing at the same time.
Characters:15 / 15
They are all real, believable and just... real. I felt like I was reading a story that could be true despite the not so real elements on it. I also absolutely loved Ravi's character (and how he viewed art). It was something new.
Flow: 10 / 10
It wasn't rushed or too slowly, perfect for such a deep story.
Style: 10 / 10
You know, the story had quite a few 'funny' moments in it. (in the beginning, at least, for example how Ravi stuttired when spotting his muse and all that) and still, the darkness lingered in your style. I honestly admire it for that. Not one moment did I doubt that this is an angsty story, but I was still able to chuckle at the 'comedy-ish' parts, which, in my mind, is a big plus. Somehow you managed to write the entire fanfic in a way that the readers are able to feel the haunting darkness in it, even at the brighter, happier moments.
Another big big plus is your vocabulary. It's perfect (I mean, your word-choice is,) and wide, somehow tying the story together.
Overall Enjoyment:10 / 10
It was definitely something else, dark and very enjoyable. It made me think quite a bit... Anyway, I really loved it, that's all I can say. Sorry for the short and late review, first is because the story is awesome!... second is because I was lazy and some family things came up xD
Score:119.5 / 120 => 99.53%
Note: Please credit the shop and me. Oh and also, seems like you're featured xD
------
Title: Flowers and Hopes
Author: clasicoustic-
Genre: friendship, fluff, school
Reviewer: hallyuamateur
Title- 3/5
Flowers are generally associated with romance so a reader who sees this title may be expecting to read a romantic story. The title does pretty well describe the story to the reader but it’s very generic. A poetic and meaningful story should have a deeper title - maybe include one of the flowers/meanings mentioned in the story as the title. For example: “Sunshine in Your Smile” or even “A Garden of His Own”
Poster - 8/10
Your poster is pretty and well-made. It’s very bright like the tone of the story but other than that doesn’t have a lot to do with the story. Including flowers or even his friends who play such an important part in the plot would really make it effective.
Plot - 9/10
I really liked the plot, it was refreshing and not something that I see a lot on the site. You focused on the beautiful moments created between friends. Oneshots are difficult to write because you have to have all of the elements of a story in one chapter. However, you successfully answered all of the questions and wrote a satisfying end.
Foreword- 8/10
Your foreword was almost like a poem and got the reader ready for the pretty and bright tone of the story. I thought it was done very well, giving just enough to pique interest but not too much so as to give away the entire story. I did take points off for some spelling and grammatical errors that made it difficult to understand at first.
Characters- 8/10
You developed Baekhyun very well, showing him as a boy who based a lot of his joy on sports and getting to see his friends at school everyday. He’s faced with a situation where he can neither do physical activity nor go to school. Luckily for him his friends often visit him and by the end of the story he’s shown that he’s never really alone. He has his friends to give him hope.
With a story that has multiple characters, the trick is to develop all of the characters while still focusing on the main character. The main questions you have to ask yourself are: What is this character’s purpose? Why is this character important to the story? Chanyeol had a clear purpose: he is Baekhyun’s best friend and part of the reason why flowers are so important to him. Eunji also had a clear purpose: she made paper cranes for Baekhyun in order to give him more hope and acted as a go between with the class and Baekhyun. Myungsoo was the grumpy school rival who is by the end revealed to really cherish Baekhyun presence and view him as a friend. With Sehun it is more difficult to see why he is there other than as another classmate, you don’t really give him a lot of purpose in the story.
Details- 9/10
The obvious driving motif in this story is flowers. You include their meanings and even mention how his grandmother had taught him about the flowers. So basically, the readers knows that flowers are very important to Baekhyun. I think what went wrong with the flower motif is that you had all of the characters magically know each flower and its meaning. Flower meanings isn’t a normal thing for everyday people to know. A nice touch would be for Baekhyun or the narrator to internally note the significance of the flowers. You could also explain how the characters specifically searched for these flowers, knowing that Baekhyun has an interest and would know the meaning behind them.
grammar- 6/10
You switch between past and present tense so often that I’m not sure what the primary tense of the story is. This constant switching back and forth makes it difficult to read and subtracts from the otherwise nice story. When English isn’t your first language it’s pretty easy to get tenses mixed up, I know I struggled with that a lot when I started writing.
“He wasn't in a coma, he wasn't lost his memory. He was just wake up from his sleep. But strangely, he can't remember anything, his head is very dizzy. He feels like is about to collapse. He tried to stand up, but he can't.”
can be changed into -
“He wasn't in a coma, he hadn’t lost his memory. He had only woken up from his sleep. But strangely, he couldn't remember anything and his head was very dizzy. He felt as if he were about to collapse. He tried to stand up, but he couldn't.”
“He can't help everyone. Everyone doesn't need him.”
should be changed into -
“He can’t help anyone. No one needs him.”
‘Everyone’ usually addresses an entire group, while ‘anyone’ is sort of used to describe one specific member that entire group at a time. ‘No one’ is used to mean that not a single person in that group applies.
A major thing I noticed is that you use semicolons a lot. Semicolons are generally used when you want to combine two complete sentences.
“Sehun is one of his y and blunt classmates; however, he is still better than Jongin, the most impolite and arrogant student.”
This sentence demonstrates the proper use of a semicolon, though most of the semicolons in your story need to be replaced with either colons or commas.
Colons are used in a sentence when you want to explain something or when you have a list. Commas are used in a series, to separate two sentences, or where you would parenthesis.
“Yellow rose means joy; friendship.”
should be turned into -
“The yellow rose means joy, friendship.” or also “The yellow rose means joy or friendship.”
“Coreopsis; always cheerful.”
should be turned into -
“Coreopsis: always cheerful.”
“There's nothing interesting inside it (just some notebooks and novels), but something caught his eyes.”
should be turned into -
“There’s nothing interesting inside it, just some notebooks and novels, but something caught his eye.”
Mood- 20/20
I really enjoyed the overall mood of this story. Even with Baekhyun upset over his circumstance there was still a tone of happiness and joy. You did a really great job conveying a story full of friendship and hope.
Final Comments -
I’m not really familiar with the characters in this story other than Eunji but I still enjoyed reading it. There were grammatical issues but you showed a beautiful command of language and symbolism. There was a great flow from beginning to end with a satisfying finish. It was a nice, light read and the readers seem to have enjoyed it as well.
Overall -
55/85 = 65%
-------------------Title: Tell Me Goodbye
Author:Pyxsis_13
Characters: Kwon Jiyong, Park Bom, Sandara Park
Reviewer: dennisse
Title: 4/5
I like the title and Big Bang came to mind immediately. It fits the story rather well.
Foreword:7/10
You used the foreword to tell how you came up with the title, something unusual because normally, people use the foreword to give the readers a peek into the story and you didn't. You used the description, though, and that will do.
Plot: 6/10
It is cliche but you made the cliche your own by having Jiyong be the one to say goodbye instead of Bom.
Honestly speaking, 'love' felt too much of an early subject in the story because they didn't even talk, right? And the kiss, I felt it was too fast, too soon. Not to mention there were barely any details to go with.
Characters: 3/10
It is a very short fanfic, and if you ask me if I got to know a lot about the characters, the answer will be no. Say I didn't have a background of the characters, I wouldn't know how they look like. Why? Because you didn't tell me. I also didn't get to know the characters' hobbies and traits, which is pretty understandable because it is a short fic.
Details: 2/10
I felt blind reading the fic. You have to provide the details so your readers can further connect with your story, and in your story, there's barely any.
How did this character say this certain sentence? How did she sound? You can use intonations and facial expressions to make the dialogues fuller.
What time is it into the day? Is it night? And you said it was Valentine's Day, then there should be the decorations, say heart shaped balloons hang everywhere, or the smell of red roses, etc.
Since you used first person, try putting yourself into Bom's shoes. What did you see when you saw the school? How did the building look like? Did you smell anything? Use the five senses: sight, hearing, taste, scent, and touch.
Grammar: 3/10
You switched tenses. Maintain only one. When you use the present tense, maintain using the present tense throughout the story, except if you're going to recall something from months or years ago, then you can use past tense.
Also, note that periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks. You should put periods at the end of sentences, commas when you pause. Look up punctuations, and know where and how to use them.
You can also break down Jiyong's dialogue into more paragraphs because seeing one huge paragraphs is a no-no. Add details, too.
You also lack some words, for example: "For if you love somebody, you gotta him go..."
It should've been "For if you love somebody, you gotta let him go..."
You also misused she instead of he.
Mood: 3/20
You could've delved deeper into Bom's thoughts, like what did he like about Jiyong? I personally wasn't able to connect with any of the characters, or the story in general. It didn't bring me in. I didn't feel Bom's sadness.
Overall:28/65=43%
You should further study and try acquiring a beta-reader who can help you fix your grammar.
-dennisse
-----------------
Title: Reminiscing Rose
Author: VelvetLove01007
Genre: angst, romance, friendship
Reviewer: hallyuamateur
Title 4/5 -
I really like this title, it’s kind of a whimsical and reminds me of Alice in Wonderland for some reason. I don’t know why but it really gives it a romantic kind of vintage vibe. Readers will definitely expect this to be a romantic story that might not be very happy.
Foreword 9/10 -
Wow! I usually don’t like when stories have too much going on in a foreword but you definitely balanced between too much and not enough. That little excerpt in the description was beautifully written and perfectly evoked a sense of love and loss. The foreword also had some quotes from the story that gave the reader some sense of the character’s story.
Plot 18/20 -
I know you said this was more character driven than plot driven but you honestly did a pretty great job having a consistent plot that was interesting and engaging. Not necessarily unique, but definitely engaging. There were a lot of typical conventions in a melodrama - parent death, chaebols, unwanted pregnancy, miscarriage, spouse death - but your writing and storytelling abilities made it feel like a fresh read. I was very impressed by your ability to make cliches feel new. I think a lot of what made this story less cookie cutter was that you broke it up and shifted the time frames. If you hadn’t done that I doubt I would have enjoyed the story as much.
Characters 6/10 -
I don’t read a lot of OC stories and I’m super picky about them. Jangmi was great. Not rich, nice but not flawless, emotional and raw. She didn’t immediately bounce back from the great tragedies she experienced. She loved Jungkook but not so much that she would sacrifice herself or her livelihood. When she was pregnant she immediately started to work and took care of everything independently. She was likeable and lifelike, even if I didn’t agree with her actions I understood all of them.
I don’t really follow BTS and honestly I had to look up what Jungkook looked like so I knew which member he was but his character is extremely well fleshed out. Yes, he is a chaebol and a pretty boy and all the girls love him, but you only mention that when it is crucial to the story. Like seriously I love that you only mention that aspect of his life when it comes into conflict with something he’s doing. He’s hardworking and for the most part earns everything he achieves. He doesn’t shove his wealth in everyone’s face. Just like Jangmi, he’s not perfect either. He resented his son for destroying his wife but then fell in love with the baby when he saw him. That was so lifelike I just kind of nodded and cried when I read it. Unlike Jangmi, he didn’t have to experience a lot of loss, but he eventually learned and experienced what she went through and even gained a greater understanding of her. My favorite thing about their love story is not even the romance, the lovey-dovey goo, but that you present them as two people who have flaws and grow together.
The reason I deducted so many points is because I nearly found myself just scrolling past the parts with only the Bangtan members. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not really an active fan nor do I know much about them, but the parts of the story that focused on them and really had nothing to do with the plot just kind of bored me. I could see that they served as comic relief in an otherwise melodramatic and sad story but other than that I didn’t see much purpose for the boys to be such an integral part of the story. You summarized Jangmi and Jungkook’s marriage in a few sentences but just the boys’ speeches at the wedding took up hundreds of words. I feel like a lot of their little quips and jokes could stand to be edited out and the story would flow much better. I have to say, I really loved Jin, though. I hate when love stories make it so the male lead is the only man in the female lead’s world. As if she exists only for him, yuck. Jangmi had her family, then Jungkook, and then over the story we got to see that she also had Jin. And then a little bit she got closer to Taehyung which I liked a lot, too, actually.
Also, you don’t even know how happy I was that there was no typical chaebol conflict “we-don’t-want-you-dating-our-son” drama. So happy.
Grammar 16/20 -
Overall, your grammar was pretty good. Vocabulary is great, imagery is great, spelling is great. You might want to read it over to check that you’re not switching around tense but there was nothing major as far as tense issues go. You employ artistic fragments which I use a lot so that made me happy. There are really only a few ongoing issues that stood out to me and even then it wasn’t anything over the top or that detracted from the story.
First thing I noticed is that you really to use italics. I feel like that could be toned down because there are definitely times where it isn’t really needed. Italics as a general use should be used sparingly. Also, capitalized sentences should pretty much never be used while a character is speaking, that’s what exclamation marks are for!
Sometimes there were cuts in the narrative that were random and broke up the flow.
“And to a girl from a middle class family (oh, sorry. Upper middle class family)?”
The part in parenthesis isn’t necessary to the story, you could just reword it to mention she’s from a relatively well-off middle class family.
One of the biggest things that stood out to me is the overuse of ellipsis. In written dialogue, ellipsis is three periods that signals a pause in speech, usually only a few seconds. A longer pause is usually broken up by authors by describing the character’s hesitation or reason for silence. An ellipsis is only three periods (...) and never more than that. If you want to signal a longer pause, then don’t use ellipsis.
“‘Yeah……about that,’ the young boy said. ‘I’m sorry. I didn't see you there.’”
could be turned into -
“Yeah, about that…” The young boy pauses. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
Also, when a character stutters it’s not considered a pause and typically a hyphen is used to demonstrate broken speech. Never use more than one hyphen, though!
“Y……yeah.”
should turned into -
“Y-yeah…”
In a third person narrative with no specific perspective, character thoughts should be formatted inside of apostrophes instead of quotation marks. It’s fine to italicise thought in fiction, though, because it helps readers differentiate it from speech.
“Jungkook once again chuckled. Well, isn’t she straightforward? “I think so too.””
can be changed into -
“Jungkook once again chuckled. ‘Well, isn’t she straightforward?’ “I think so, too.””
Finally, when you’re writing, all numbers should be spelled out.
“6 pairs of eyes turned to him.”
should be -
“Six pairs of eyes turned to him.”
Other than that, I didn’t notice any other major errors so good job!
Mood 8/10 -
The best story is one where you know what is going to happen but you still read the story anyway. This is one of those stories. Right from the foreword we know things aren’t going to end happily but the reader still wants to find out the why, when, how, and who. I seriously grew a fondness for the characters and their struggles, I understood their actions and felt like it was realistic. I felt like it could happen to me, I wondered what I would do if it happened to me. I thought about the story. That’s the best thing you can to your readers - make them think.
I deducted points because the mood is at times disjointed due to comedic moments that don’t fit in with the flow of the story, i.e. most of the moments with the BTS guys. Finding the subtle comedy needed for a dramatic sad story is very crucial.
Final Comments -
I will admit that the first read around I got tired about half-way through chapter one and had to stop reading for the night. When I read it again, I was able to appreciate what you have done with the language and emotional clarity. This is a beautiful story with lifelike characters. I really loved it and the ending kind of killed me. I won’t go into too much in case someone reads this before reading the story, but I absolutely loved the ending. The very last few sentences give the readers hope and I swear I was cheering and smiling and then I remembered their conversation earlier and I immediately yelled OH PLEASE NO. Right in the feels. It was perfect.
I suggest looking over some sites/guides on grammar basics or getting a beta to give you a second opinion/catch things you don’t notice. A lot of time we don’t notice our own errors, especially if we’ve missed a word or written something strangely, because in our minds we know the meaning so it doesn’t stand out to our brains. Getting someone else to read over your writing, someone who isn’t familiar with your track of thinking, definitely helps to catch those mistakes.
Overall -
61/75 = 81.33%
Title: My Personal Tease
Author: jeje_bts
Genre: , romance
Reviewer: hallyuamateur
Title 3/5 -
The title is a little boring and typical but it fits with the story. Looking at the title you definitely get an idea of what you’re about to read.
Foreword 5/10 -
The foreword isn’t eye-catching at all. I’m not really a fan of doing too much in the foreword/description but even if you just want to write a short description it’s important for it to make the reader want to go onto the first chapter. For as dynamic and interesting as the story is, the foreword fails to capture that.
Plot 9/20 -
An extremely shy girl is forced by her friends to go to a strip club and then falls in love with one of the strippers. On first glance the story promises to be the typical , with y aggressive men and a quiet girl with loud friends cheering her on. And it is, but you manage to flesh out the story even more than that. Honestly I feel like this maybe could have been a oneshot but it’s at seven chapters now and I wasn’t bored once, I didn’t feel once as if it was dragging or as if someone wasn’t necessary. You did a good job taking a cliche idea to a new level.
Characters 8/10 -
You don’t even know how much I appreciate the way you handled K’s character. She’s shy and not in the way that she’ll suddenly blossom and show everyone that she has amazing abilities kind of way. Being shy is awful, it stops people from doing things and from enjoying their lives and sometimes it can cause their friends to alienate them. K’s shyness does stop her from doing things but when she’s not comfortable she expresses that which is awesome. I think Jimin is great, too, he’s understanding of limits and takes consequences for his actions. He doesn’t want people to know he’s stripping but he also doesn’t seem ashamed of it, he’s comfortable with his decisions. The only thing is that Jimin is y, he’s kind, he’s understanding, he’s a great dancer but what else? He doesn’t have to have any blaring flaws and he’s so far pretty fleshed out but I think he needs a little more to him. Why did he choose stripping instead of another job?
I don’t know how I feel about K’s friends. They’re funny and they’re important to the story because without Mel and Sarah, K wouldn’t have been put in any of these situations. I enjoy that they’re both adventurous and are a good contrast to K but it would nice to more moments of genuine friendship because otherwise the reader easily sees them as manipulative or pushy rather than just fun.
Grammar 17/20 -
You use the single British English inverted comma instead of good ol’ American double quotation marks. Technically it’s not grammatically incorrect but I thought I’d mention that it looks strange to non-British English eyes. Other than that, which isn’t even really a problem, your grammar is good. There are only a few issues with tense here and there, but those looked like something that just got overlooked while editing.
Your syntax didn’t have a lot of variation and tended to drag. When complex and diverse sentences aren’t used it tends to make a story seem boring. Some authors do this on purpose to stylistically tell the reader ‘this event is boring, it should make you feel bored’ but personally my aim isn’t to make my readers feel bored just because my character may be. Luckily, this can be fixed just by switching things around.
“I my lips as the music blared in my ears and I witnessed tables being served by topless men.”
could be turned into -
“I my lips as the music blared in my ears, witnessing tables served by topless men.”
The word “and” can easily be replaced by a comma and a gerund, making a sentence a lot more dynamic. (I just realized that the following sentences demonstrates exactly what I mean!) It also helps move the flow along and keeps things from being too choppy.
“He had a boyish face but he had a serious gleaming and handsome look.”
could be turned into -
“He had a boyish face but a gleamingly serious, handsome look.”
“A girl had his arms around the guy and was holding a bottle on her other hand.”
should be turned into -
“The girl had her arms around the guy, holding a bottle in her other hand.”
“Having been embarrassed in front of a hundred crowd, had my house broken into, and sleeping at a stripper’s house, was not something I regularly do.”
could be turned into -
“I was embarrassed in front of a hungry crowd, had my house broken into, and slept at a stripper’s house: none of which I regularly do.”
There really weren’t many mistakes that stood out to me, I basically had to re-read the story and search for a few things to mention. I went ahead and pointed some things out that I saw occur a few times so you could see ways to fix it.
Mood 7/10 -
K’s inner dialogue kind of gives me anxiety. Instead of excitement in any of the ual situations, the language made the read feel extremely anxious. That’s perfect if K is having zero enjoyment in the situation but you’ll mention in just a few words that she hates it… but also kind of, just kind of, likes it. Hopefully in later chapters when everything progresses it’ll be more of a happy nervousness rather than a full-on panic attack inducing nervousness.
Final Comments -
The story was well-written and easy to follow. You’ve done a good job with the characters and with developing the romance. You don’t rush anything nor you take it too slow, there’s good pacing. Your seem to have a great response so keep up the good work!
Overall -
49 /75 = 65.3%
Title: Hello, Counsellor
Author: EPIONE
Characters: You, Jongup, Daehyun, Youngjae
Reviewer: dennisse
title 4/5
It's not exactly unique, as it reminds me of the KBS show with the same name. If I come across your fic somewhere, I probably wouldn't click on it since the title doesn't get to me much. It relates to the story well though, seeing as the main character helped fix everyone's problems.
plot 8/10
I haven't read something like this, and so I can say it is original (but with some cliche traits you have made your own).
The probability in which this will happen in reality is very small, like never in my life would I let a stranger in, or rummage through another person's phone, or be surrounded with your characters haha.
Again, it is unrealistic, what with the main character's family not asking questions when she let an unfamiliar boy into their house, let alone let him /sleep/ in her room (even though he was gay. I'd probably have doubts) and I wondered why the mother just sort of disappeared after cooking. She's not a main character, but a presence of a mother can be necessary.
I liked how it was later on revealed that Jongup had a secret crush on her, as we were told in the first chapter that the main character 'could be anyone and anyone could be her' implying that she doesn't stand out.
I liked how it turned out, how everything found their places (though unrealistic yet again, as everything gets fixed only ideally.)
foreword 8/10
For your description, it was very short (which fit the story well as it was a light read)
And your foreword, well I suggest you put an excerpt from the story as it would attract readers more and would encourage them to click the 'next' button.
characters 10/10
Wow, you have a corlorful bunch of characters.
I love how the main character is smart and stupid at the same time. She says the right words at the right time (without her knowing, most of the time) and it's cute how she's oblivious to basically everything that's going on around her. She's pure hearted, that's why she keeps on helping people out. She doesn't know her boundaries, at times, like her going through Uppie's phone and her humanity speech with Anjae. Boy did I love the humanity speech.
And Jongup...he's sweaty. Anyway, I like how Jongup is down to earth even though he was 'the bestest and coolest dancer in town' Daehyun's words. And how he sturggled with his relationship with Anjae and how he wasn't quick to judge and didn't drop names easily.
I love how Youngjae's a cool jaenius and Daehyun...well Daehyun is Daehyun lol. I like how Yongguk turned out to be a softie.
details 7/10
I would've preferred to see more details, like say, how did the main character's house look like, or her room, or their school, and the cafeteria and such. It didn't hinder your story much, just that I wanted to /see more/.
The main character is lacking in details, as she doesn't have a name or a face. She's just 'you'.
grammar 8/10
You weren't consistent with your tenses, how you switched to the present tense by the second chapter and went back to using past tense. This is a common mistake in AFF so it's understandable. Just be consistent. That and other little errors like:
In chapter 1
So there you were, shoving and being shoved back by all types of students alike inside this stupid hall that could only house no more than a few hundreds—there were around a thousand students in your school.
I suggest it be: So there you were, shoving and being shoved back by all types of students alike inside this stupid hall that could only house no more than a few hundred. There were around a thousand students in your school.
-From the left, you heard this sweaty boy, who was still wearing gym clothes, sniffled as if he did not find the morning good at all.
+From the left you heard this sweaty boy, who was still wearing gym clothes, sniffle as if he did not find the morning 'good' at all.
-The boy with honey brown hair and slant eyes kept his gaze steady at you
+The boy with honey brown hair and slanted eyes kept his gaze steady at you
For the second chapter, just replace the present tense verbs with past tense and you'll be fine..
In chapter 3:
-To put this in nicer terms, you were an innocent little young lady.
It's not exactly wrong, it's just a bit redundant, as 'little' and 'young' are somewhat synonymous to each other. I suggest you omit one of the two adjectives.
mood 20/20
It was an overall good read, I had a good laugh. There's really nothing more to say. You did a good job in this fic, and it will be a better read if you fix the errors
Overall score: 65/75 = 86.7% Good job!
----------------Title: Haunted
Author: sociallyawkwardandwe
Reviewer: dennisse
Title: 4/5
Your title reflects well in your story, and the word ‘haunted’ has implied that there will be ghosts though you didn’t indicate that in the description/foreword.
Description/foreword : 6/10
The description felt a little too long. I just felt like the description could’ve been the foreword, and you could’ve put in something shorter, say a sentence that would capture the readers’ attention. When you see a story the in tag list or in the feed, you would see the description after the title, and reading your description: “Yoo Youngjae wasn't anything special…” I probably wouldn’t want to check out your story. There wasn’t anything out of the ordinary in it. It wasn’t anything special, like how Youngjae was.
Also, your death character warning turned me off. I like to keep my surprises surprises, I mean let them unfold to me as the chapters come. But some readers do want such warnings. In the end, it’s all about preference.
Plot: 7/10
It was cliché in the first few chapters, and only built up in the latter part, but it’s fine, you had your own twists to put into it. The story was indeed yours. It wasn’t expected that Daehyun would die in the end and they they would be reincarnated (?).
Characters: 8/10
Your characters were similar, but it wasn’t revealed until later in the story.
Youngjae was a depressed figure of non-identity. It seemed that he was struggling more with himself than everything else. He clearly had problems, how he wasn’t able to connect with his classmates and how he wasn’t doing anything except for singing and sketching. And yes, you could blame his parents for this. He turned out to be a ball of light for Daehyun though, as though Daehyun was the energy backing the switch. At first it seemed out of character, as I deemed that Youngjae wasn’t able to connect with anyone, but then, he just had to be able to connect with Daehyun.
The development in Daehyun’s character was obvious, and a little predictable. He just transformed ideally, and ideal isn’t always good, but in your story, Daehyun was coming back to his old self. I liked that.
Details: 5/10
Details…I think you lacked in details. I don’t think I have an idea how Youngjae’s house look like, just that it has a lot of doors. How did his room look like? I had no idea, just that he had a bed, a door and probably a window. I felt blind during the dialogues. There would only be minimal details on how this certain sentence was said and how did the speaker look when he said it, or how he said it. I felt blind. The dialogues were mostly empty.
Grammar: 6/10
I wasn’t a fan of the use of past-progressive tense, and I would’ve preferred it all in past tense. It doesn’t matter what I like though, they just have to be consistent, meaning you should stick to one tense.
One of the more noticeable errors is your use of comma, or lack thereof:
In Chapter 1:
Chapter 1
That's what he thought anyway.
That’s what he thought, anyway.
Tomorrow he would pay more attention.
Tomorrow, he would pay more attention.
He didn't know about what and he really didn't want to know
He didn’t know about what, and it wasn’t like he really wanted to know.
Once he was outside he breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
Once he was outside, he breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
The sound of the bell ringing woke Youngjae up.
This sentence isn’t exactly wrong, it’s just awkward. Youngjae wasn’t sleeping, he was just inside his head so you can say:
The sound of the bell ringing brought Youngjae out of his little reverie.
He stuffed everything that was on his desk in his backpack in an inhuman speed. He dashed out of the classroom while fighting with the backpack's zipper
He swung the object around his shoulder and secured it on his back.
These sentences are awkward, not exactly wrong:
He stuffed everything that was on his desk in his backpack in an inhuman speed.
I have issues with this sentence as it sounds a little too long.
You can say instead: He stuffed his notebooks and books into his backpack in superhuman speed. (because superhuman is more appropriate to serve as its adjective.)
He dashed out of the classroom while fighting with the backpack's zipper
This sentence is improper because backpack zippers don’t fight back.
Instead of ‘fighting’ you can say ‘fidgeting’ or ‘twiddling’.
He swung the object around his shoulder and secured it on his back
What object? The last subject was the backpack’s zipper. Perhaps you can state that it was the bag.
The trees were trying to regenerate the leaves they had lost months ago while the flowers were trying hard to grow bigger and bloom.
Again this sentence isn’t exactly wrong, it’s just redundant. You can try replacing the second verb ‘trying’ with another so it wouldn’t be repetitive. Note how I used redundant in the first sentence, and repetitive in the next when they both mean the same thing.
In the summer it wasn't easy to hide the bruises and scars. he didn't go anywhere for the holidays. he stayed in the safety his house could offer him. But whenever he wanted to get something from the convenience store or just take a walk in the park (in the night of course) he had to wear long sleeved shirts and jeans.
In this paragraph, just capitalize the first letters of the sentence.
"I didn't think you would be that stupid.
This lacks a parenthesis.
He laid there when he felt his backpack being torn off his shoulders. He laid there when he heard the sound of paper being torn to pieces. He laid there as he heard laughter and then footsteps become fainter and fainter.
In this paragraph, you misused ‘laid’ for ‘lied’, the difference in the two verbs is demonstrated in the following examples:
She lied down on her bed.
She laid herself to sleep.
The dog lied down near its master’s feet.
He laid the child gently, careful not to wake her from her sleep.
The difference is that when you use ‘laid’, there should be a direct object that would receive the action.
He had discovered his love for drawing from a young age, when he was in kindergarten if he remembered correctly.
He had discovered his love for drawing at a young age, when he was in kindergarten if he remembered correctly.
He let out a surprised gasp and his eyes scanned the sheet of paper.
He let out a surprised gasp as his eyes scanned the sheet of paper.
You have additional errors that I didn’t include here, but could be easily detected if you proof read your chapters.
Mood: 11/20
I wasn’t able to connect with the story until chapter 9, and all this time I just urged myself to continue reading since I had a review to do.
There wasn’t anything new (Plain, boring Youngjae gets bullied by rich kid Daehyun, yadah yada) until the latter chapters.
It was a typical bully story at first, what with Youngjae feeling like nothing because of his parents. I saw the internal struggle, but didn’t feel anything towards it, didn’t feel compassion or sympathy towards Youngjae.
Maybe it was your writing style which was a little clinical (I think) that I wasn’t able to connect much to the story, or the lack of details in general.
I had issues with chapter 8, when they really talked to each other, and they poured their stories out all of a sudden. It felt too sudden, too forced.
Overall score: 47/75=63%
You did a good job, but with a little tweaking, you can do better. I’m sorry if I was harsh in any way. And thank you for requesting :)
----------------Title: The Most Interesting Thing Tonight
Author: pegase2311
Genre: fluff, romance
Reviewer: hallyuamateur
Title 3/5 -
This is just personal preference but I generally tend to not like longer titles. Readers can be really lazy about the weirdest thing honestly and long titles is one of them. Other than that, the title is kind of generic but it definitely makes the reader what what exactly is the most interesting thing tonight?
Foreword 6/10 -
The description part was really cute with the little tidbits from the story and it was nice having the carousels and ferris wheel. That kind of lets the reader know we might be getting to read about a cute couple date to a fair or carnival. I also thought the little character graphics were cute, too. I’ve never seen anyone do that before so it was interesting. Then I got to the foreword and I had to fight the urge to just keep scrolling. It was a lot. I understand that there’s a need to credit all of the graphic shops, advertisement shops, etc. but the reader has to scroll through all of that in order to get to the chapter. Plus it was in a bunch of different colors and fonts and I was just overwhelmed. Maybe you could put in a scroll box so you could still have all of that information but make the page less long?
Plot 18/20 -
It was a cute story that showed what an evening was like for a couple in love. The first part of the story kind of confused me and I feel like you spent too much time on Krystal waiting. You could have spent a larger bulk of the story writing about their time at the fair, which was the focus of the story. It wrapped up nicely and cutely at the end with them sharing their videos and photos with each other.
Characters 6/10 -
The reader’s first impression of Krystal is that she’s a whiney brat based off of how she’s portrayed when waiting for Lay. And Lay seems like someone lazy who doesn’t really care about his commitments when he shows up so completely late. However, you do portray Krystal and Lay as a couple who have known each other for a while and because they love each other are patient toward one another’s quirks. Other than that, neither Krystal nor Lay are really given a lot of personality in the story which forces the reader to rely on their knowledge of the two characters’ personalities. I like Krystal so I know a bit about her personality but I don’t really know anything about Lay. For readers who don’t know anything about the characters it really alienates them. Outside of fanfiction writing you can’t rely on a premade personality so making sure characters have depth is really important.
Grammar 10/20 -
There are a lot of problems with tense in the story, going from past tense to present tense in one sentence and then jumping into another again. When you start writing a story it’s important to decide what tense you want the story to be in so that if you make a mistake it can be easily fixed. Stories on AFF tend to be most easily read in present tense while most works of fiction are in past tense, indicating the event has already happened. You write mostly in past tense so that’s what I’ll be correcting things to.
"Where is he…" mumbled the pretty girl with long brown hair while she sips her tea again, looking at the watch on her wrist as she lets out a deep long sigh.
could be turned into -
“Where is he?” The pretty girl with long brown hair mumbled as she sipped her tea, looking at the watch on her wrist as she let out a deep, long sigh.”
“She starts to get worried as the afternoon sky gets darker. The cafe is starting to fill up with lovey-dovey couples ready to spend time together this Saturday night. And yes, she is one of them, the only difference is that she came alone and waited for her boyfriend to come. After spending 2 years together, she turns to know all about him, including his brain which can easily forget about things. She looks at the window and waits for his car. Now, her mind splits in two different directions – out the window and the time ticking in her watch.”
This paragraph confused me a lot, which is why I’m choosing to highlight the entire thing rather than to point out an issue and pick an example.
“She started to get worried as the afternoon sky darkened.” - You don’t have to repeat ‘get’ in this because darken is a verb.
“The cafe started to fill up with lovey-dovey couples ready to spend time together that Saturday night. And yes, she was one of them. The only difference between her and those couples was that she came alone and waited for her boyfriend to join her.” - This makes more sense to me broken up, especially while still trying to convey the general mood. When you state that there’s a difference, you need to state the two things that are different. In this case: Krystal and the lovey-dovey couples.
“After spending two years together, she had come to know all about him, including his tendency to easily forget about things.” - This sentence confused me the most, it took me a while to figure out what you were trying to say. Just for future reference, numbers should always be written out.
“She looked out the window, waiting for his car. Her attention split in two different directions - out the window and toward the ticking watch on her wrist.” - I felt it made more sense to change ‘mind’ to ‘attention’ because there has to be more going on in her mind, right? Isn’t she wondering where he is, what he’s doing? Is she worried, annoyed?
“I should be in drama.” She giggled her in her mind, but her eyes still looked mad and straight at his boyfriend.
could be changed to -
“‘I should be in a drama.’ She giggled in her mind, though her eyes still reflected anger as she looked straight at her boyfriend.”
Thoughts need to be expressed in a way that the reader know it isn’t being said out loud. Most authors do this with either italics or most commonly with single quotations. Also, I noticed that you refer to Krystal as ‘he’ a lot in the story, which can quickly be fixed by going through and making sure everytime you use the pronoun ‘he’ you’re referring to Lay.
“You.Are.Sleeping.On.The.Sofa.For.An.Entire.Week.”
Instead of actually using periods to break up the sentence, you can channel the same effect by describing it. For example, you could instead write -
“ “You are sleeping on the sofa for an entire week.” Soojung ground out angrily, emphasizing each word. ”
Also, instead of “Pleaseeee?” or “Babyyyyy” you could just as easily achieve the same effect by describing it again. Writing like thissssssssss is more conversational and used for chat or texting. When used in a story it’s not very professional and can turn off a lot of readers.
“Your face looked so funny Lay! Haha!”
should be turned into -
“Your face looked so funny, Lay!” Krystal laughed.
When writing, it’s really important to describe the character’s actions as if we were actually observing her rather than if we were texting. And on that same note, using ~ in the story is unprofessional and doesn’t really serve a purpose to the dialogue.
Mood 10/10 -
There was a really childish and lighthearted mood to the story. It was very cutesy and fluffy, which is what you were going for.
Final Comments -
I’ve never seen another storyline like it so I’d say it’s pretty original and fun. Your readers in the comments seem to have enjoyed it a lot. I’m not generally a fan of fluffy stories so I didn’t personally enjoy it but you did a good job writing for the people who do enjoy cute stories. I can definitely tell that you have a lot of potential, practice and continually reading will help improve your writing. English is a really tricky language because there are so many different rules. Getting a beta can help catch some things that you miss while writing the first time around. Also, this is kind of strange advice, but reading a lot will definitely improve your writing. When you read you pick up vocabulary and new ways to express ideas which will help your writing.
Overall -
53/75 = 71 %
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