A few days ago I was so positive and stuff, thinking that I was brave enough to ask my instructor about a dance test. Now I'm just utterly sad and have been crying until there was no more tears and I don't know why, it's like the part of me where I tried so hard to suppress just comes out. Lke how I wanted to suppress my eating habits and fainting spells but I can't. I'm negative, I cry, every night, and I don't know anymore. I had been meaning to find professional help but I thought I wasn't worthy of it, because I'm afraid even the professionals would judge me for it.

I don't know if I over-reacted to a trivial mistake. It's just that I've always felt gratitude to him, how could he just suspect that I didn't feel gratitude to him just because I didn't show my gratitude? Which I know I had to express it because it's part of work ethic and others may not understand in the future (okay I don't know how to say it). Just because I didn't know how to express it, what the heck? Didn't we share a special relationship, or will that relationship not be acknowledged because I can't get into the pre-professional programme? I know that you realized it was a misunderstanding but it hurts that this even happens in the first place. Yes I really cried for hours but then it wasn't just you who was like this. It was my mom, who refused to acknowledge my work in the exams (of course I admit that I like certain subjects). It was the classmates who will alienate me for working hard. It was the team mates who wanted to dance well but didn't want to work for it and I kept giving them pointers and I'm tired of it. 

It will hurt, it always hurts even when I know you had good intentions. Because a few days ago I just realized it's okay to not have a lover in a toxic relationship because I had healthy relationships with you guys, and a special relationship that my peers would hardly get to experience. And then I realize it isn't mutual.

Can I just not go to school and just stay at home, because I'll be crying anyway and I can't focus anymore. Because I feel this way every year ever since I've entered secondary school. Because I know that my classmates wouldn't understand, but a select few is so understanding that I stay with them though we may have differences. Even though they may not be professionals in dance, or maybe they can't just be good in studies. And I told one of them that I'll give my results back to anyone who wants them, I don't want them anymore. All that doesn't matter...

It's true when they say you can't find your way out, what do I do? ing bastards and society, where do I get professional help? When for this whole year I have been griefing for a senior and have finally gotten a bit better and now it has come to this? When at this point I just keeping telling myself it wasn't really my fault, it was just a misunderstanding but then I'm just bad for causing this misunderstanding and that I was really bad, so bad. Like the whole world was right all along and it was just me. Just weeks ago I had the audacity to say that the mind has a lot of power over your body and we could be happy if we wanted to. It doesn't work in this case...