They say that people whose parents divorce are less likely to get married. I know I am one of them. But I am not just "people", I'm also a dancer, I may not be very good, but I love it and I know I will be good.

I don't know, the recent fights and turmoil has wrecked my perception of love and romance. I had known that I was different, tried hard to be the "mature" kid because that's what everyone liked. I had started reading again, and had to go on analyzing about love, power struggle, the roles a partner plays in a relationship.

It's just so painful today, just yesterday I was fine. Nothing happened today, it's just me. And I had to think about my family. The fights and gossip ruined my perception of love, and what were depicted as healthy relationships were suddenly so scary. I had craved for strong arms and I'm scared they will push me away. In a blink of an eye things change, never the same anymore. You would wish for the one you loved to leave you, you want to go to a far, far place. I would be a clingy lover, always wanting intimacy, wanting to be secure.

I guess this is why I dance? Because everything that matters in the studio is dance skills, technique and self-expression. It's all happiness and the light in your eyes. It's about having that pleasant connection with the people you enjoy dancing with, especially my instructor. (I realize we had more in common than I thought.) There's nothing about family, since we are already family.

What is love? Are we chasing for the thrill of romance or just the simplicity of having one another? Is it intimacy? A special bond perhaps? Conviction?  

I had known that we are to depend on nothing else, no one, but ourselves. I'm just so glad that at last my instructor is one that I can trust more than I trust myself.

And you know, perhaps this will be better than having a lover. Not everyone will have such a connection with their instructors, it's really fate that I met them, and they are so nice. It's just so nice being with them, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

(I don't know, this is just me being a little sad. Being with my team mates makes me like this because I'm so different. They don't mind but I do, I'm much more disciplined, yet much younger, and sometimes it's just different. And my instructor's words always reminds me of romantic relationships, which is why I thought of my family. And I'm hungry and sad. Maybe I'm sad because I'm hungry.)