I feel like I've grown a lot, though I don't feel mature yet, I don't think I'll feel mature enough, learning will always be an ongoing journey. I know what I want to do from a young age, I'm more motivated in class than my classmates, I have more mature views about the things in life (such as romance). People always comment on how I'm lucky that I know what I want to do at such a young age, that I'm so hardworking. What they don't understand is that I have a newfound interest (not really passion, because my passion is dance) in studies, that I finally know that education is about learning things about the world. There are so many things to learn, so many things to appreciate, at times I am in awe about the interesting things in the world.

However I feel so lonely, like I can't call anyone friends even though I know many people, I'm sociable. I cannot talk to them about many things as we have different views, I often feel that I have a more mature view and I'm frustrated that no one understands it, that I'm just 15. That I'm mature but my growth was accelerated by dance, death, and my parent's failing marriage, that I'm mature but I hate the tension in the family so much that I developed a habit of looking at my phone all the time. They like to say that we are rich and spoilt and that spending time on the phone will cripple our abilities to function in the real world. I digress, because I just want to stay away from the people who keep hurting me and they don't know it.

I have different views, I feel like I have to "censor" myself to make friends -- act like I don't like to study so I can fit in with people (I do choose the people I hang out with and I hang out with them because they are nice.). I cannot talk to people about K-pop because of the differing views. Because I see people who work hard to achieve their dreams, they work so hard it seems like they are slaves. But people just see a constructed image, often criticising them for looks, personality, little petty things. Because I have different views of those lawsuits that SM artists would file, it's so hard to communicate my views without risking a fanwar.    

I used to be such people. And I've grown, learnt so much I can't fit in even if I wanted to. I know that I wouldn't have many real friends to begin with and I do not want to make any "fake friends" so I don't engage in petty drama. I know that I am different, I'm proud that I have such differences. I just want to shed some light on the people who seem to be so capable. That we have a different mindset. And that I'm seen as different and some people choose not to hang out with me, they may see me as weird. But I'm not weird, and the people who see me as weird are not normal. The only thing holding me back would be my insecurities, and I suspect depression but it's okay because I have a purpose in life. I could mention other flaws and I know I'm not perfect.

But I chose to be not normal, to do different things, to try to be myself even though that's not always possible, and to choose not to be able to have nice friends and engage in drama. I'm proud, still I'm lonely sometimes.