Hello there, my dear readers. Or are you readers already not here any more because your hearts have already been broken into a million pieces and you just can't seem to fix it back again, like what's happening to me right now? Basically, I was messed up since I woke up this morning. Wherever I am, Jessica's messages were delivered to me almost like a morning call, albeit, a really painful one. I haven't been able to do anything much, and it's been almost half a day since the news was confirmed.

Up till now, I can't remember having written any stories of other pairings except TaengSic, unless I've forgotten about it. The reason was because I love Taeyeon so much, until Jessica came along and I started to love both girls. There are a lot of things that I never noticed about Jessica until I really started to gain interest in her. In fact, don't be surprised but the only pairings that I knew of back then were JeTi and TaeNy. When I found out about TaengSic, it was like I fell into a bottomless pit. I just couldn't stop wondering what in the world had happened to them. In the midst of it, I grew so fond of the girl without knowing it.

I remember reading about rumours on Twitter that there were other things that would happen to Jessica, and one of them was leaving the group. I almost immediately brushed it aside because, obviously, how could it be even possible for such a thing to happen to our strongest girl group? Then, it happened. When I read the first few things that Jessica had written, I thought that she would continue the message with "im kidding. how r my maomaos doing? ^^". But, no. It was real. Jessica was forced out, like she said.

As much as I wanted to believe that it was the doing of a hacker, something in me told me that Jessica just wanted to tell us all the truth while she could before the authorities step in. Then it came true. Jessica became a "past member". I couldn't even cry. I was as emotionless as ever. Too taken aback, maybe? I spent the next few hours refreshing social networks, torturing myself by looking at those comments on the issue. I finally decided to put Divine on loop while I rested on my bed. Then, there came those tears. I wasn't crying. I was sobbing. I blamed myself for writing the last one-shot in the Fly, Karma Butterfly collection. I regretted writing it. Why did I write such a story when I wasn't even ready for it? I wanted to apologise to all of you who had read it. I'm sorry.

For the past few months, no matter who was revealed to be in a relationship, it never got me that badly. I only got sad that once when the backlash made our leader cry. I never stopped writing, because you and I, we are all proud of the girls' bonds. Boyfriends or not, it didn't matter. Really, it didn't matter. But now, it's killing me. I've to tell you that it's killing me. It's not a disbandment. It's not all of the girls letting the name Girls' Generation go. Jessica is the only one being abandoned. I hate to use the word abandon, but I swear I can't find a better word. Of course, you can't just view more-than-a-decade-long friendships so lightly. They probably wanted to do something about it, but they can't. All I know now is, that poor girl rushed back to Korea so that she could take the flight to China with the rest of her girls. Her girls. But, there was never a place on that plane for her. If I'm hurting like that, I can't imagine how the rest of the 8 girls are feeling, not to mention Jessica herself. We were watching them, and supporting them. But, they were the ones who went through thick and thin together. What do we know? What do we know?

I don't doubt their bond. Not at all. But it has come to a point that it's wrenching my heart just thinking of that girl's name. I am thankful for all of you readers who stayed with me and always wrote me comments. I thought I would just let you know that I don't think I will be writing for a while now. At least, the next chapter of Love Assumed and I suppose the next chapter of The Silver Guardian will probably not be up as scheduled. I'm very sorry for that. I'm telling myself not to be irresponsible and at least finish my ongoing stories and other WIP, and trust me I'm really trying hard to convince myself. Looking at how broken I am now, I really wonder how many of you will stay on to read my stories. I'm tearing up again right now, so I guess I should stop writing already. Tell me something, please.

I hope this won't be the last time I'm saying this, but, write me something?

Carmen H.
(JarOfStories)
© Sky Blue Tales ✍