When I surfed through my twitter's timeline, I saw my friend tweeted about Jessica, I wasn't that much of hardcore sone and I don't follow kpoppers at my twitter /bows/ So when an hour later allkpop posted something about SM official statement regarding Jessica's tweet, I clicked on it. I was devastated. SNSD is one of the groups that I am fond of during the earlier stage of my fangirl year. Although Jessica wasn't my bias, I like her and Krystal. Especially the show Jessica & Krystal on Channel M. My main point is, her leaving/forced out of SNSD pains me as much as Kris leaving EXO, X-5 being disband, BLOCK B's company issues and so on. I cried reading Indestructible. The wave of emotion hit me all at once, sadness and happinness. 

To all the SONEs out there, I'm on the same boat as you. We are strong aren't we? Strong people break down sometimes when it's too hard for them. Cry now, cry later, but always remember that we are all in this together. Don't hold it in, let it out. Don't think that you're alone cause you're not. Somewhere out there, someone is cheering for you. 

Now that I've let that out, I have a few more things to get off my chest.

I'm sitting for a major exam in less than 20 days. But I can't study if my mind is full of crap. I confessed to my crush of 8 months, and he ignored me. I feel as if I want to kill him everytime I see him. We are on different class, but on one class, we would combine class. His seat is two rows before me. But sometimes he sit behind me. I want to kill him everytime I see him. I want to know why he ignored my confession. I'm trying to move on, but for 8 months I'd been crushing on him. I know his favourite meal during recess, I know what he likes and what he don't. But after he ignored me, everything came crushing down on me. That I was never noticed by him. That  I wasn't even a tiny bit a concern to him. I was just a onetime classmate that he won't cross path with next year. I guess, this is what I got for ignoring guys that liked me. This is what they felt when I didn't reply to their text. This is what they felt when I looked away if they smiled at me. This is karma for me. 

Second, regarding my friend. I'm usually not the type of person to talk bad about my friends, but I'm too frustrated and yeah..

I'm going to refer to my friend as M. M used to be an innocent person, who doesn't know what meant, never cursed before. Although M is a bit boyish (yes M is a she). We became close friends starting 2012, I had no friends in high school, and I knew her from middle school. Last year, she had her first boyfriend, I don't like that boy. He's a playboy, a total nuisance and just not fit for her innocenceness (is this even a word?). But of course, since she's boyish, she acts really rough. When she's mad at her bf, she would headlocked me and Y. She also hated it when I talked about my boyfriend (now ex). She tried manipulating Y to unfriend me, but she failed since Y told me about it. I forgave her for that, and she doesn't know that I know about it. This year, she had broken up with her boyfriend, lets refer him as H. Eventho they had broken up, they still see each other. Everyday M will say that she hates him, but she still hang out with H. H had been caught doing not-innocent (not ) things with his gf (not M) by our discipline teacher. So M, she told me that kissing on the cheeks is a normal thing for her and H. Yesterday, she was alone in his house with him. They sat at the sofa, his hands over her shoulder and he kissed her cheeks. He tried kissing her lips. I was so mad at both of them when she told me this. At school today, I almost went up to him and kill him. I am also mad at M cause she let him do it. Kissing on the cheeks is unacceptable, even hanging out just the two of them is. Now, he does not see her as a person, but an object. How man look at e, that's how he looks at her.

My dad said, M think it's okay to act like that since she's a tomboy. He also said that I should just forget about it and focus on my studies. Even if I try to advice her, it would be no good since it's too late. She is already in the stage where she can't be help  anymore. I'm angry at myself because I couldn't do anything to prevent this change. M could have been a better person, but right now, she's just straying away from the path. Maybe for others, kissing cheeks is just normal for friends, but for us it's not. Holding hands between different gender is a sin. Despite knowing that, I even hi-fived with my boy friends. I know my limit, us girls that despite knowing it's wrong to do so, we know our limit. I was fighting with myself whether should or shouldn't I post about M, because I'm the same as her except I just hi-fived and hangs out with boy friends and girl friends at school.

I wouldn't post this if my sister is here. She's been my living diary, she's my pillar of strenght. But she's in another state studying in university. I miss her, I need my sister back. My state of stress always last till the end of the day when she's here, cause I could just tell her everything. But now that she's not here, I held it all in and it's killing me. I have problem expressing how I feel, I don't trust my friends since they aren't really what a friend are. I'm sorry if this post is long. I'm sorry if it doens't make any sense. 

I'm sorry