It creeps into my dreams. I crave for strong arms, ones like my seniors that would give me a sense of security. Yet I know I wouldn't achieve peace, security from these arms. I've become so pathetic, advocating about not being insecure, trying to be strong, mature. Dreams of betrayal wrecks my sleep. You can't believe how nonchalant everyone is when I tell them about my dad. Why are they nonchalant, is everyone like that? Is it normal of men to do stuff like that? Why is everyone dreaming of romance when they know it's so fallible? Why am I craving for strong arms when I know they'll push me away?

Why am I craving for a relationship when I know that I'm not going to have one as it'll interfere with my dreams? It's so ridiculous, isn't it? That I used to be able to say everything here and I finally know the meaning of "secrets" now, the kind that you'll guard fiercely. I desperately want to be the strong person like my instructors are, the brutal training that made them so strong. I don't know anymore, when it seems like whatever I do will never be enough. When your bubble bursts and you are forced to mature. When I wish to be taken care of but I wouldn't let anyone else take care of me.

It's so funny, isn't it? That during dance class I could just forget everything and once I go back everything creeps up. When I'm working so hard during the day and at night I'm so little. When I find the love I want in my dreams, and they end up failing me, I end up failing them, the relationship crumbles like my parent's marriage.

When everyone has stories that make me sympathetic, but when I tell them about mine it seems like I'm faking, like my story isn't as bad as I made it to be. Like it doesn't matter. My mother finally realises how she hurt me, oh why did it have to take 15 years, but I guess it's okay now. The fight erupted and the fight ceased. The fight will start again, like symptoms of an incurable disease that will spring up once in a while, relapse. It's funny how they think everything can be cured.

I'm insecure, never been confident, I don't know anymore. I can feel myself becoming more cynical, judgmental, scoffing at the thoughts of delusional fangirls. I can no longer fangirl about handsome guys and dream of marrying them because I know it wouldn't work out. I know a relationship wouldn't bring me out of this state, but I crave for it, aware that the relationship wouldn't work out because of my insecurities. I don't know anymore, they don't seem to know anything, they don't seem to listen, and I want them to listen.