When I was angry at everything
I screamed at God
My teeth gnashed with every
hurtful word I could think of
until my throat felt raw
but in the midst of my outrage
all I heard him whisper was, "I love you."

When I saw the throbbing, crimson lines
on my arms I threw the blade away
and it slid across the bathroom floor
there was this silence
as thoughts of regret and self-condemnation
circled my mind because
if I really found Jesus why
was I hurting myself again
so I figured I could never go back
because I wasn't worthy to be
called his child
but all I heard him whisper was, "I love you."

When I stared at my reflection
I hated every piece of me
because I could never be
what they call 'beautiful'
with my double-digit dress size
and imperfect skin
Just when I thought nobody
would appreciate someone like me
all I heard him whisper was, "I love you."

And I kept on hearing God
tell those three words to me
so I asked why why why
would he love someone like me
when he knew my shortcomings
but all I heard him whisper was, "You are mine."

"It's not about what you've done
or will be doing.
It's not about your mistakes
and victories.
I love you because you are mine.
I love you because I created you.
Your deeds do not make up your worth.
Stop striving to earn the grace I have
freely given you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I know you're messed up.
I love you.
I know your faults.
I love you.
I know your pain.
I love you.
I know everything.
But I love you, so I will not let you stay there."

So I took his waiting hand
despite knowing
the sunny skies along the way
won't be constant because
surely I am not abandoned
and this is how I know
I can finally love myself and others:
God has loved me first.