3.30 am Saturday morning, my father died in his sleep after nearly 8 years of suffering from laryngeal cancer. It's only been 4 days since and it feels really weird. It feels like if I were to go home now, he'd still be there at home on his bed. It feels like nothing ever happened but you know that something is missing. It feels weird that the person I grew up with my whole life, seeing him everyday and hearing his voice, is just not there anymore. 

But my whole family and myself, although we miss him a lot, we're actually relieved that he's finally passed. The last few days before he left us, he was suffering at his worst. No one could barely take it anymore. No one knew what to do anymore, and I was sorry for my mum too because she still has to go to work and then rush back home to attend to my dad.

And I know, people tell me that it's ok to cry and I do cry, but I always thought of myself as stupid and worthless whenever I do so. As if I'm not strong enough. And I don't really like crying in front of people and most preferably do it behind closed doors. But what really is that on my first day back to school, we have clinical lectures on oncology and chemotherapy, and it didn't turn out well for me, and I have Oncology through out this whole semester and it's really hard for me to deal with this. How long will it take for me to be stronger than I already am because I just don't want to burst out crying in class anymore.