So as I mentioned before, I moved the answer to this question here because it's hella long and super depressing.  It's also extremely personal and sad.  I can guarantee maybe a few tears or heart strings to be tugged.  You guys should back out if you want to.

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?

Let me tell you. Having a brother that's 11 years younger than you makes you feel old. You have to take care of them like your life. I became mommy Jr and I hate it but I like it because it's like I'm raising a kid of my own slightly, even if that sounds like I'm liking being ajust a little shy of a teenage mom I love watching my brother grow. Except for when he's being a loud pain in the . But I can't blame him since he's...autistic I guess I can say? He can't talk but he's a really smart 3 year old. And in my situation it makes you upset because if you have a sibling and you're much older it's like you're time is compromised terribly with a baby and your parents just leave you alone because you're older and you don't need their help for the most part when sometimes you're going through rough patches and you just need them when they're not there. Before my brother was born I had all these dreams and expectations that he would grow up with me and depend on me because I'm an older sister and I'd be the one to do things for him like take him to the park or take him to get ice cream or something or to the movies and we'd have our own little secrets from our parents and I'd teach him to like kpop and stuff I like.  And then he comes out and then you realize that he's disabled just crushes you...  And fact that he can't talk is just like...upsetting.  Just today I was babysitting him and he was laughing at me and staring at me like I was his loving sister and I almost started crying because it's like... I'm never going to hear him call me noona, I'm never going to hear him cry about something my paretns did and I'd never be able to hug him when he comes out of school and he would tell me who picked on him and I'd beat them up for him.  I feel like all those dreams were snatched away from me, and I might as well not have had a brother at all because life has gotten harder for all of us because of the disability.

And like question 40 about Ignorance being bliss... In this case I can't believe in that.  For the past year ever since the symptoms started showing I've tried being the optimistic one in the family because my mom's negativity... She's always saying "He's never going to talk" "He's never going to be normal" blah blah blah and I always tell her that we can't know for sure because some friends of my mom said that their sons didn'tI don't want to give up until he turns 4.  If March comes around and nothing happens... That's when I was planning on giving up, but now... I'm just not sure. I want to stay positive but I have to face the facts.  I can't just ignore the fact that it's happening and wish it to get better, but eventually this "ignorance" is going to become the first stage of grief which would be "denial."  I'm dreading the day that it happens. That will probably be the day that I give up altogether on religion.  I'm Jewish (don't judge) so we believe that people have a purpose to live, each soul is born into a human because it still has something to fulfill before it can go on.  Like there was a story about a little boy that turned around and told a man not to do something (the whole story is actually based on our customs so I can't really say), the man listened to him, and next thing that happens is that the boy gets hit by a car and he dies.  My dad has a story about his grandmother and how she died so young all of a sudden.  A baby boy was born and lived 8 days to do a Brit Millah before he died too.  We don't know what purpose we live for, what our destiny is before we die, until it happens.  So we don't know why my brother, after 11 years of begging and pleading and tears and asking for a sibling, was born without a voice.  We don't know why.  Mom goes around the house and (mind you it's not my mom that's the jewish side she was hindu but she converted) says "God has no mercy. He's punished my child, but is he punishing me? For something I did?  So why curse my poor son?"  Sometimes I yell at her and say to bite her tongue just to hide how hurt I am, other times I stay quiet and believe what she says.  According to her, after all 3 of her miscarriages I cried, but I was too young to remember.  I remember the day I heard the news. I was pissed on that day since I wanted to go to a concert on that day and they didn't let me go.  I was left home alone pouting until they came home and they wanted to talk to me seriously.  And when they told me "You're going to be a big sister" I cried so hard that it's almost like I had read Anterograde Tomrrow for the first time or I had seen Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham after a long time.  I went to all the doctor's appointments, all the sonogram scans, saw my brother grow up in pictures until he finally popped out.  March 25th 2011 at around 6:09 am.  I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my dad, taken to my grandmother's that morning.  My cousin woke up to the racket and he was groggy and he heard that the baby was coming and all he did was say "Congrats" pat my head and go back to sleep.  I remember going to the hospital to see him every day, staying late until long after visiting hours.  I still remember how to get to that hospital room to this day.  He's an exact reflection of me when I was a baby.  He clenched my finger and opened his eyes for the first time. A few days later when we brought him home, I went up to my parents' room with him alone and I just rocked him, kissed his tiny face for him to sleep, and he just scrunched his eyebrows at me like he was mad yet he held onto me.  Later months I would disappear in the dark of their room where he was sleeping in his crib and I would whisper all the plans that I had for us in the future.  I was clingy to him while he was a cute infant.  He went to my senior barbecue during school, and we took a class photo that I still have, he was on top of my friend's shoulders, the only outsider in ther picture.  I would show him off proudly to my friends at my old school and hold him on my waist like I'm his mom and I would proudly say "Yup, this is my brother!"

And then all this happens and you just want to hold onto that sliver of faith, and those memories and those dreams that you know might never come true.  I don't know why I didn't expect it, he had the chord wrapped around his neck, his arm, and a knot in it.  We thought he was a miracle baby that he came out premature and alive.  Because quite frankly guys...I'm scared.  I'm scared to have to call my brother that sort of special for the rest of my life.  My only girl cousin closest to me is the same way.  She's a year younger than me and all she does is sit around and do nothing, goes to a special needs school, and pinches people and scratches people.  Because she's frustrated that she can't express her words.  I don't want that to happen to my brother.  And he runs!  We went to a park last weekend and he took off down a hill a split second after my mom let go. If he hadn't tumbled and stopped, he would've been gone.  I'm so scared that something will happen to him and he won't know what to do and...  I'm just scared.  He has no fear, he canbe one of those kids on the news that just walk right out of school and disappears.  I'm juts worried.  There are so many problems that come with having a kid with autism, like only one of my parents have to work because my mom has to take care of the people in his home classes and then take him to a 2 hr school and then come back and more classes and then all the other mom stuff.  She can barely handle going to work every other weekend she's too worried about him and she's too tired.  It's hard being on this side of the family with autism rather than just looking at my aunt who just stopped caring about it with her daughter.   Our schedule revolves around my brother now and we have to situated everything around his classes and stuff.  It's depressing and frustrating and.... It's so much sacrificing.  I'd never wish this on my worst enemy, the stuff that goes through my head when I think about my brother.  There's so many limitations. You can't travel for too long, you can't go on vacations for too long. When you do, you have to practically pack the whole house with you.  It's terrible, you guys please be grateful.  I've done wrong so I need to pay the price.  I'll learn to live with it eventually.  It's great practice for my own kids.

This is actually the first time I've ever opened up like this to anyone. Not even my best friends know this. Hell, not even my parents know all this.  I'm not asking for sympathy or anything it's just... When I read the question I didn't expect something huge and emotional to come out like this. I guess I just needed to let it all out.  I cried while I wrote this, so I guess that was enough venting.  I love you Internet readers, you can always keep secrets. And I can say anything like this without being judged (not too hard I hope...).  Thanks just for reading this far, and listening.  This rant was really messy, but it's emotional and I don't care, I just needed to do this.  I'm not even going to bother reading through this.  Until I start getting negative/weird comments...then I need to be concerned about my mental wellbeing... Anyway, thanks again guys.  Love you all <3