I'm just going to let off some steam and baggage I've been carrying around. 

its been around two hours and I'm typing this on my phone, so I don't care if its messy and ungrammatical. I just need to get my feelings out and into a place where I can breathe. So I chose AsianFanFics. 

I experienced heartache not too Long ago. This boy I liked (and still maybe like) sent me mixed signals. We were in a sort of weird relationship, but it ended mutually, possibly because we were both too logical and too nice for our own good. I knew he didn't want to hurt my feelings, and I didn't hate him afterwards because I couldn't, but my heart had this weird soreness around him. The feeling you get when you love something that you know can't be yours but you love it stupidly anyway. And I couldn't bear it for quite a while. His presence was overwhelming, and he was basically all I really ever wanted in a guy. My biases reflect the kind of guy he is. Cool and sweet like Mark, talented like Daehyun, funny like Baekhyun and awkward like Jin. Jin. He reminded me the most of him. And sometimes when I read fanfics about Jin, I get a bit too emotional because the stories have happy endings where the OC ends up with Jin, when I didn't. And the Jin in those fictions is so similar to him that my heart hurts. And I feel sad-ish. 

The strange thing is that we are still friends. I was the first to confess to him, and I confessed to him again not too long ago. We talk about literally the weirdest topics and stuff that I don't usually talk about with even my closest girl friends. He's that chill guy who makes The Fault in Our Stars references and interrogates me about stereotyping tables and god is he amazing. Hes that guy who is afraid of watching The Fault in Our Stars movie adaptation because it might not live up to the book. And I fell For him. Over and over and over again until I didn't even know. He's that kind of guy who would stay up late talking to you even though he has to wake up at 5:40 am tomorrow, he's that guy who uses words like "misconceived" and "vintage" and "quite," which happen to be some of my favorite words. He's that naive guy who gets the girls without him knowing it. He's that introvert who is actually a crazy weirdo and has an alter ego as "Stella." And he's my friend. 

And sometimes, even though I try not to, I like him way more than I should.

My best friend liked him too. And I know she had it way worse than me, and she was rejected by him, and I feel apologetic towards her a lot. She always tells me that I'm so lucky I got accepted by him, but to tell you the truth? I'd rather get rejected straight than face the aftermath of a complicated relationship. She doesn't understand what it's like to have your hopes be brought up and then crashing back down, and what it's like to have to hallucinate yourself thinking he actually likes you the way you like him when actually he was being the nice guy and didn't show much interest in the liking department. And then she tells me that rejection is worse, but I've been rejected before. And rejection is way nicer to be honest, because at least the guy does not play around with your feelings before letting go. And it gives you time to heal and time to move on. Being in some sort of relationship gives you time to get hung up over him, so when he lets go, you fall ten times harder than if you had gotten rejected. 

Hes not a douche. He's not a jerk. He's not too sweet. He's just a guy who has yet to understand girls, and a guy who sees the world the way he wants to see it.  

And just by looking at his face, I could tell you probably a thousand more reasons why I love him, but I'm afraid that if I did, you would like him too. 

He's brought so much into my life. And I'm thankful even for those heartstring pulling moments and the tears that streamed from my face at 1 AM some nights ago. I don't know why I'm even writing this. It's all a jumble with no meaning. But I guess that kind of just is what life is. 

I don't know. 

He's just that guy you fall hopelessly into. 

And I know this is weird and cheesy, but...

He's my not-so-Augustus-like Augustus, I guess.