It hasn’t been long since I have started stanning KPOP, previously, I never had any interest to anything that involved Koreans (except the fact that I have a Korean best friend) and after she moved out, I never thought I would be this ‘attached’ with the Korean culture.

September of 2010 was when I first found KPOP, it was as if light had shined from the heavens and introduced Yonghwa to me. And at that time, he was my first bias, I preferred Shinwoo over Taekyung. But soon after, I caught myself falling for the other vocalist, as well, and soon, I found myself changing biases from Yo~ng to Jonghyun. It was tough, when you’re starting to learn to love one thing, and the people around you don’t. How do my parents react to this? How do my friends know? But they have been really supportive, thankfully.

Being a Boice for a year, my only wish would be to watch their concert for my birthday, but sadly, I didn’t have that much money to actually buy plane tickets (lol) so I end up supporting at home instead. Not that I didn’t like supporting at home, but it was still different to actually see them live – so since then, I made a promise to myself to watch CNBLUE live before I quit.

Another group, MBLAQ, meeting them from Star Golden Bell when I first found out how Yonghwa was friends with Lee Joon, eventually took most of my time.It was September of 2011 that time as well that I have learned about the most humble group of all. MBLAQ were starting small, but for me, they have moved mountains already; that although they didn’t have the biggest fanbase, the A+ babies were the toughest fans. I’m not being biased or anything, but honestly, they say fans take it from the idols – MBLAQ truly had the purest hearts, clumsiest members, and funniest gags. God knows how much I love them. MBLAQ was different, because unlike CNBLUE, they were an ‘idol’ group – they danced, they sang (they didn’t use instruments) and all in all, it was a different perception.

Seungho was my bias then, you could stay he’s still a big part of my life after two years, four idol groups and a ton of heartbreaks. He was that one idol, to which I’d go seas for, he is that bias that I’d go back for. Heck, Seungho was my ideal man, he could sing, he could play piano real well, he was a leader, and he loved gadgets. He loved gadgets a lot.

December of 2011 was when I became a VIP, coincidently, they were having a comeback at that time – and all that was running through my head was, “Why only know?” How could I have not known about these kings? Where have I been hiding? Leaders have always been my weaknesses, and so, you could guess who my bias is with BIGBANG. (This was also the time I became an appler) Jiyong is the GD, he was the epitome. BIGBANG wasn’t hard to love. By January, I had pulled my sister in KPOP, she became a VIP, like me, and it was the happiest thing in the world – having someone to spazz with. It was elating.

But things changed, and I don’t know what more that time, but downfall to liking groups started, maybe because of BIGBANG as well, but soon, it eventually happened.

By April of 2012, I have learned about Baekhyun. I didn’t want to have a new group to stan at that time, it was too time consuming, too heartbreaking, too stressful, but eventually that led me to stanning EXO, still. I was hesitant about actually liking EXO, it was that feeling of someone liking you, but you don’t know if it’s right to like them back? I was apprehensive. EXO was too big for me, too grand. It was Kai who became my bias at that time, because he danced so gracefully. Trying to break the ‘leaders’ curse, I stanned the main dancer. Luhan was my bias in EXO-M, too.

If you’ve been reading this, agh, this authornim must have had a lot of time in her hands – having a privilege to be multifandom-ed as well. But no, struggling with classes and home stress, like most of you, KPOP has been my only outlet for support.

Fast-forward to October 2012 when I got involved to the fandom I’m attached the most, Inspirit. You could say that a year with Infinite, and I seem like I’m love struck already, but truth is, I’ve never felt attached to a fandom like this after MBLAQ. It was a fandom I could cry to, could die for. Maybe because both MBLAQ and Infinite have the same history, they came out of nowhere, all a bunch of kids hoping to get known for their voices.

I already knew Myungsoo from before, who would not know that precious face? He was my bias in the start. But the bullied, no-eyed, leader eventually took his place, and took my life as well. It was one fine day when Kim Sunggyu came into my life (like a wrecking ball this bias wrecker). Sunggyu might have not been the most handsome in the group, he might not have the best body, and he might not be the best leader as well – but for me, Kim Sunggyu was enough.

Alive was my first KPOP concert. It was October 24 of 2012 when I saw them. I cried with Haru haru. It was a first, crying, in a concert. January 2013 came, and, too, I watched DKFC as well. I met him, Sunggyu. I have also met EXO at that time, to which Chen’s pure heart made me like him. Kris was handsome by the way. Really really really handsome.

It was March 31^st of 2013 when I got my heart broken for the first time. Me and my sister paid tickets to watch MBLAQ’s concert in the Philippines, it was a Sunday then, and we had to go to Manila for it – for it to eventually get cancelled hours away. I cried about it a ton of times. Strike one.

I tried forgetting MBLAQ, I tried hard; there was no explanation from the company, no news about the concert, no withdrawal of tickets, nothing. They left my heart, and a few other fangirls, shattered.

Smooth sailing, you could say. I’ve started writing fanfictions, I’ve watched all the reality shows, I bought all the albums. I defended Sunggyu’s act one time as well, with the grimace of the fans when he deleted all his tweets. You could say I’ve been living the fandom life. I have finished Dara’s EXO Fanboy, and I’ve started with Dara’s XOXO as well. I went to KPOP republic, too.

Life has been really grand.

But of course fangirl life has always been a whirlwind, so when the news of L’s dating scandal broke out, I there and then wanted to quit KPOP. It was too much, really. Opening twitter to see pictures of them, to see Myungsoo’s betrayal act, and to see him and the girl in pictures dating in grocery stores. Myungsoo, how could you?

I knew I cried about this for days, it wasn’t as easy as waking up in the morning feeling fresh – it was not because I was delusional, but because I’ve trusted too much, it was the use of twitter. Because, as a fangirl, I bet these couldn’t be avoided. They come, they go, but at that time, all you could do was cry it all out. Strike two.

Soon after, I’ve learned to accept it as well, like I could do anything about it anyway, right?

Last March of 2014, final exams have been coming, and I have told my friends as a joke, that if I pass all my subjects, I’m to quit KPOP for good; but if I don’t, then I could stan them for all I want. Of course I had none, I passed all my subjects, and I was still part of the fandom. Leaving is too hard.

But I guess some circumstances really want me to leave, it was another month when I promised, for real, that right after AONMLA, I would be leaving KPOP, they didn’t listen to me, they told me I could never fulfill the promise, anyway. But then Kris is the first one to put up the foul.

It was one fine day in May, I was having classes in the university. Lunch break came, and instinctively, I had to check my phone. I opened twitter to only find news about Kris leaving EXO. I wanted to tear up, my head went blank, and I didn’t know how to react.

What? Kris? Why Kris? Of all people why Kris? When I was starting to actually like him? When he was starting to ruin my bias list? When they had much more to do? When EXO needed a leader? Why Kris? When what the fans could see that everything was going well? Strike three on my book.

The second one this time was the most recent news. Baekhyun was dating. I’m not hurt because he is, because for all I know, he loved Taeyeon even from before. I just feel, betrayed as well? I know they don’t owe the fans any explanation, but still. It’s not the right time. Are you 35 now, Baekhyun? I left Jongin to have you as my bias, but you.. Sigh. Strike four.

They say let go of the things that hurt you, I had four strikes right in the heart, I should definitely be out right now, right? If they were a single-double-triple—well then they’re definitely a home run, now.

Tough luck for all fan girls, mine might not be as hard as your groups, I don’t have to deal with breakups of groups (hopefully not soon) and I don’t have to deal with a lot of fanwars, but how old am I? I’m turning 21 soon. I’m graduating college this year as well. I have final exams, board exams, med shool entrance exams and soon, med classes. It’s been four years since I’ve entered the KPOP fandom, and although I never thought of leaving, now I’m having doubts, already.

Priorities have been changing, and honestly, KPOP has changed differeny this time around. This isn't about the dating outbreaks; I myself wish for them to date, but the fast-pace of today's generation of idols make me.. I don't know. Maybe because I need to focus on some other things, but unlike before, it doesn't hold a big part of me anymore. Why is that so?

Tired, tired, tired. Only KSK is preventing me from quitting KPOP in general. I don't want to leave, but why is letting go suddenly so easily?

I'll be holding on.