Broken   

 So since everyone else has been expressing themselves, I was like 'Why not?'

     I couldn't recall when I first decided 'I love Exo' but once I did, it was as if my world revolved around them. I would watch their videos, defend them, read their news - everything I could to know more about them. I remember my first Exo video being 'The Wolf and the Beauty' and I absolutely hated it - the music was odd and the thing that left the deepest impression was Kai's hair, it was terrifying. Then I surfed around other Kpop stuff, eventually giving 'First Snow' a chance - loved it. I was like Maybe I should give them a chance... Then I watched them on Weekly Idol, then Exo's Showtime, their interviews, their awards' stages, and eventually like any other fanboy, fell for them.

     My bias was and still is Chen, not because he shares the same name as me (indeed, I'm Chinese and my last name is Chen) and is in Exo-M, but there was something about him that attracted me. He was bold and funny and had a certain something and at that time I didn't know any of their positions, so him being Exo's best vocalist wasn't a magnet. I never told you exactly when I fell right? It was sometime this year, not last year when they were hottest. 

     I began loving A-pink only last year though I had been playing 'My My' and 'I Don't Know' after I got tired of SNSD's song. I first discovered 'Nonono' by chance, and I can't quite remember what happened except I absolutely adored them. Oh right, somehow I found and watched 'Reply 1997' and I think it was through that my interest in A-pink and who they were grew. 

     Then I found AFF. I began only reading Khuntoria fanfics, then I found the 'Exopink' ship.  That was when it started. I began shipping Surong like seriously hard at first, then I found Baekji. I discovered all the other ships, but Baekji had my attention. Baekhyun really wasn't attractive or handsome or neither did he sing the best or something, but I think I only really liked him because Eunji was there. I'll tell you this right now, I do not like Chanyeol. I don't hate him or anything, but I remember never having loved rap like I loved vocals and I also remember having to skip episode 3 of Exo's Showtime because his baritone voice drove me crazy. Not in a good way at that. That may be why I stuck to Baekji so much. I eventually grew to like Baek but there were still things I disliked about him, his blunt rudeness for one.

     Still, I began writing about them and reading up on them - so much it was almost real for me.

     When the news first broke out, honestly? I was laughing. Baekhyun and Taeyeon dating? It didn't make sense to me. It was comical at first. Then SM confirmed it. I broke down. The pictures were minimally convincing, and I don't even see how people could make out the two kissing because all I see are Baek's eyes and/or Taeyeon's hand.

     It felt like the world as I know it had been torn from my hands all at once and for the next minute or so, I still couldn't take it in. It'd hurt really bad. Even though I knew when I shipped Baekji that the two were two idols among hundreds and that it was only wishful thinking, it didn't do too much to soothe me down. First Nickhun and Tiffany went out with their relationship and that was only disappointing, then Kris - you can imagine how I feel - then now Baek and Taeyeon. And with a load of work and final projects and whatnot and final tests. I really didn't feel like doing anything.

     I'm really quite selfish for only wanting him to be with who I want him to be with and I should probably stop thinking that way, but I thought I could deal with it. They have their lives and they like who they are attracted to and fans can't do anything about it. There was a meme on Allkpop saying "Exo is Peter Pan and the fans are tinkerbell. One day they'll find Wendy but we can only hurt from the sidelines." What does it matter really? I'm not going to blame Baek for dating his all-time bias - heck, I might feel sorry if he actually upheld his promise to restrain himself until 35 (I never knew about that, but I guess it's true). If we were true fans, we'd understand him and stay a fan. I'm not going to leave because he broke a promise that was never very realistic and because he dated behind our backs, but they do not have to report to us on their everyday lives.

      I don't feel betrayed, and I sure as hell wish that he didn't feel sorry for the fans. As long as he knows how to divide his attention and time properly and not let this affect his work, I'm fine with it. I'll say this again - I support him always so long as he knows what he's doing. So SM's a big company and he should focus on work more, but he doesn't have a grudge again the female population, so why withdraw his feelings for them? That's just me because I don't see why Baekhyun's musical has to refund tickets (now, I'm not sure about this but I read it up somewhere) but if they can't handle Byun having a love life and not only vocal chord ripping performing, they shouldn't be there anyway. 

     I like how now, as I'm writing this, I can barely feel an ounce of hurt. I'll still ship Baekji while I wish Baekyeon the best of luck and happiness and we'll see what time will tell. I wish I could say I were happy for them but I'm not going to lie - I wish this weren't true. 

     Silently, I hope SM has schemed for this to take the blow of Kris's lawsuit but if not, good luck to the couple.

     I'm just editting this on, but for those who are disappointed with Baekhyun's underage drinking, you should be. It's a mistake he made years ago when he was stupid and underage but I'm pretty sure he has repented and changed. However, I think this hater should've just kept the picture to him/herself. It's not like it's going to hinder Exo's popularity in any way whatsoever but it's only going to damage their image. We'll still care for them and we know (to the best of our knowledge) that they don't have a tendency to go around drunk. Especially now Baek is main vocalist, he won't drink much alcohol because that stuff does weird crap to the voice.

Good day Xoxo,

ExoPinkFtw