Sorry for those who will read this, I just want to let all these out.

Lately I've been really down and I just cover things up with my spazzing for kpop. I mean for years I have this problem and I guess when I get into kpop it just became my comfort. Honestly speaking till now I don't know who I am, I don't know the real me I mean I'm still looking for what kind of person I am. Ever since a little I always live to what others expect me to be and don't want them to be disappointed. But still, I cannot do everything right, the college course that I'd take and some of my decisions that my parents want me to do didn't come true *sigh* let's just say that I really can't do those things because I can't. And all these years, I act as the "cool" person, I'm not popular but let's just say I'm okay with everyone I don't really have this "cliques" that you can put me in because I do everything, if the nerds/geeks would like to study with me I go with them, if the popular kids would like to go to a party and get drunk I also go with them. I guess I am social butterfly? Is that what I am? But that was in high school and in college.

And there's also a phase in my life where I've done a lot of things that probably most of you haven't done it or will not do it and I kind of regret it. Well just kind of, because I effing learned from it like got drunk like there's no tomorrow and yeah (I can't say it but I know you guys get it, I guess I'm embarrassed because in kpop everything is so clean? Lol sorry I don't know what term to use. Naive? Innocent? I know you guys think that its not really it because a lot of us read fics here -.-". But you can say that it still have this image of being adorable and innocent to others or even childish to others). BUT I CHANGED, (and mind you guys, my parents doesn't have an effing clue that I had done those things)So I'am a little bit rebelous before (I think?) But ever since I got into kpop,I feel that I belong, like it is one of the things that changed me.

Okay, here's really my problem, I don't feel that I belong to my family. At first I thought that I was just over thinking about it but when I always hear and even see how my father treat me compare to my other siblings or even cousin? You get me? I can accept that he does have favoritism between me and my siblings but with my cousin?. He treated me like a crap, what kind of father that always reminds you that you need to pay for all those things that they had done? Even all the things that I eat and get from him are need to be replaced or rather pay them once I got a job. He reminds me that I owe even my life to him and yes I'm grateful for that, he even let me study to a good university in college but isn't it he is my father? He should love me right? But why doI feel that he just let me live this life because I am just an accident? Or maybe I am just adopted? *LOL me adopted? I freaking look like him. I know I'm a bit different from my siblings because I prefer to be infront of my computer than have bonding moments with them. 

I know I've done a lot of bad things but my younger sister and cousin is much more worst than me. My cousin got pregnant while my father is helping her in her college education. My sister got drunk and get caught drinking with a bunch of guys as in she is only the female drinking there!

So why do he treats me like this? I've done nothing but just be a fan girl and locked my self up inside my room. They're close to him because they can talk casually to my father, laugh with him and talk stuffs that happens to be not my interest. We got into a big arguments but I actually don't even open my mouth he just complains to me about me being just me. And right now he even said to me that "nakikitira ka lang bakit hindi ka manlang tumulong?" to translate it in english, it means that I don'thave the rights to live in our house because I'm like a border in my own house and why can't I just help him with the expenses? Damn! I don't have a job right now so how can I help him? And for sake he is the one asking me to apply to other company and resign to my old one. 

If not for my mom, I probably just kill myself or something. *sigh* I'm not stupid to kill my self but sometimes it will just slipped into my mind and maybe it will be the answer to my problems. You know just to end everything? But I am ing coward! I can't even cut my self for gawd sake! I am just trying to be strong for her, I love her too much and I don't want her to suffer. I just hope someday I can got a job that will help me get out here and to have my own home and to show him, them that I don't deserved everything that they had done and I am strong person who does'nt need them. One day, I promise that I will get my mom out of these hell and give her everything that she deserves. 

Uhm..

so thanks for reading? *sigh* I just want to let all these out and to think that there is someone who listened. 

And sorry for letting you read my crappy grammar and ish english. :(