Whenever I felt sad, they would always tell me to approach them. Truth to be told, they would hurt me with their dismissive tone. Sometimes it really hurts, the bleeding kind of pain, sometimes I feel empty. 

I deluded myself, because a few months ago I thought I would be starting professional training around this period. I never expected myself to feel so empty, the fire in me extinguished, my connection with dance no longer there. I did not want to prepare for it. Didn't I know of something called burnout? But how was I to prepare for the events that will hurt my team, nor did I anticipate the death of a well-loved senior.

I should have found help, solved problems instead of waiting for the feelings to pass. The question is, who can I find? Who will understand that someone's death has impacted me in the weirdest ways? Who will understand that I didn't ask for this to happen, that I didn't want to lose my connection with dance? The exhilaration accompanying dance routines have gone, but I didn't want it to go. In fact I thought it was the symbol, the fire of life. Somehow it is as if I've stopped living. This will pass, but I don't know what I'm hanging on for, really.